London Witches Demand Pay Parity With Treasury Economists
Psychics offer to replace Westminster forecasters at half the cost, with better hats
LONDON, October 19, 2026 — Britain’s professional witches are demanding recognition as legitimate economic forecasters after discovering that people who predict the future with crystal balls are considered eccentric, while people who predict it with spreadsheets collect government pensions, knighthoods and £200,000 consulting contracts.
The controversy follows an extraordinary account published by HuffPost. American author Mat Auryn explained that being a professional psychic witch involves writing books, teaching classes, conducting research and answering endless questions from people who assume he spends his afternoons turning former boyfriends into amphibians.
British officials were reportedly astonished.
“A witch who actually works?” asked one Westminster consultant. “That could set a very dangerous precedent.”
Treasury Economists Fear Competition From London Witches With Crystal Balls
The British Treasury has raised concerns that professional witches could undermine public confidence in government economic forecasts by making predictions that occasionally come true.
For decades, Treasury economists have enjoyed an almost supernatural ability to predict economic growth immediately before the economy contracts, falling inflation immediately before prices rise and increased tax revenues immediately before the government discovers a £40 billion hole. The Office for Budget Responsibility even publishes a regular forecast evaluation report on how its own predictions turned out, a courtesy no crystal ball has ever been asked to extend.
Professional witch Gwendolyn Tealeaf, who works from a small shop in Camden, believes the arrangement is discriminatory.
“I can look into a crystal ball and tell you Britain will have higher taxes, more expensive housing and another railway strike,” she said. “I charge £35.”
“The Treasury spends millions arriving at exactly the same conclusions, except six months late.”
Government economists have defended their profession, explaining that economic forecasting requires complex mathematical models, detailed statistical analysis and the ability to blame international events when everything goes wrong.
Witches, by comparison, merely require candles.
A preliminary cost-benefit assessment suggests replacing Treasury forecasting software with a crystal ball could save taxpayers several million pounds a year, although officials insist any savings would immediately require the establishment of a Crystal Ball Regulatory Authority.
Westminster Rejects Witchcraft Because Promising Without Evidence Is Already Its Job
Parliamentary authorities are considering restrictions on professional witches operating within two miles of Westminster.
Officials are concerned that letting people promise prosperity, predict economic recovery and manipulate unseen forces could create unfair competition for elected representatives.
One MP described the witchcraft industry as dangerous because practitioners frequently promise outcomes they cannot scientifically demonstrate.
Asked how this differed from an election manifesto, he asked for the interview to be terminated.
The Advertising Standards Authority already publishes official guidance on psychic readings and supernatural advertising claims, warning marketers against misleading promises about health, wealth and other personal circumstances.
Westminster politicians were relieved to discover the guidance concerns advertising rather than parliamentary debate.
“If these standards applied to election campaigns,” said political philosopher Professor Nigel Pendulum, “half the House of Commons would be required to issue refunds.”
Pendulum defines political clairvoyance as the ability to predict that someone else’s money will solve a problem, particularly when there is no evidence that it will.
London Housing Market Defeats Supernatural Powers, Estate Agents Win
Professional witches trying to set up businesses in London have run into a force considerably more powerful than ancient sorcery.
Estate agents.
Camden witch Morgana Nightshade attempted to turn a one-bedroom flat into a two-bedroom apartment through an elaborate moonlight ritual.
The spell failed.
The landlord nevertheless put the rent up by £400 after discovering the property could now be marketed as spiritually enhanced.
In Kensington, another witch advertised a cleansing ritual designed to remove negative energy from homes. Local estate agents added the service to their property descriptions within the week.
“Charming Victorian studio, excellent transport links, spiritually purified, £2,850 per month. Toilet shared with three dimensions.”
One prospective tenant reported that the agent wanted six months’ rent in advance, two guarantors and evidence of income from at least three previous reincarnations.
A landlord explained that supernatural powers were not acceptable proof of income.
“We’re perfectly willing to accept money from the future,” he said. “We simply require it six months before the tenant moves in.”
NHS Waiting Times: Psychics Could Predict Illness Before the 18-Week Clock Starts
Health officials have examined whether professional psychics could help cut NHS waiting times by predicting illnesses before patients develop symptoms.
The proposal ran into difficulties when administrators discovered that predicting an illness does not mean a patient can get treatment.
Under the NHS guidance on waiting times for consultant-led treatment, patients generally have a right to begin non-urgent consultant-led treatment within 18 weeks, subject to specified exceptions.
A professional psychic could, in theory, tell a patient in January that they would develop knee problems in June, leaving ample time to receive an appointment in November.
Officials celebrated the potential efficiency improvements.
One proposed pilot scheme would let patients telephone a psychic, receive a diagnosis of their future condition and be placed on a waiting list before becoming ill.
The service would be called NHS Tomorrow.
Patients would receive a text message confirming that their supernatural referral had been received, although no appointment would be available.
A hospital receptionist in Croydon welcomed the initiative.
“At the moment, patients ring us to ask when they’ll be seen. With psychics, they’ll already know the answer.”
Transport for London Discovers Commuters Have Been Psychic for Years
Transport for London is investigating whether clairvoyants could anticipate signal failures, service disruptions and overcrowded platforms, the kind of thing currently announced on its live Tube status page after it has already happened.
Unfortunately, officials discovered that London commuters already possess remarkable predictive abilities.
A passenger entering Bank station at 8:30 on a Monday morning can accurately predict that the Northern line will be unpleasant, the escalator will be broken and somebody will stop dead in front of the ticket barriers.
This requires no supernatural training whatsoever.
A commuter named Derek from Clapham claims to have predicted a delayed train every morning for eleven consecutive years.
“I’ve never been wrong,” he said. “I don’t even need to check the timetable anymore.”
Transport officials first dismissed his abilities as coincidence.
They reconsidered after learning Derek had correctly predicted the phrase “minor delays” before the train operators themselves knew what was wrong.
Professional witches have suggested replacing live service announcements with tarot readings.
The Tower card would signify a major signal failure.
The Hanged Man would represent a passenger stuck outside Balham.
The Fool would signify anybody who believes their season ticket represents value for money.
HMRC Demands Tax Returns From the Spirit World
Perhaps the most serious obstacle facing London’s supernatural workforce is HM Revenue and Customs.
A professional witch can communicate with the dead, manipulate mystical energy and consult the movement of celestial bodies.
But she still has to keep receipts.
HMRC has expressed concern that some practitioners may be receiving payment in crystals, enchanted herbs or promises of eternal happiness.
Tax officials insist that eternal happiness must be properly valued for accounting purposes.
The agency has also been asked whether witches can claim business expenses for broomsticks, cauldrons, ceremonial robes and travel to alternative dimensions. HMRC’s guidance on allowable expenses for the self-employed does not mention any of them.
A tax adviser in Holborn said the difficulty is working out which expenses are exclusively business-related.
“A broomstick used to visit clients might be allowable,” he said. “But if you’re also flying to Tesco for milk, we need a detailed mileage record.”
The Department for Transport has separately asked for confirmation that broomsticks carry valid insurance.
One witch complained that running a spiritual business in Britain involves considerably more paperwork than summoning an ancient deity.
“At least when I summon a demon, he tells me what he wants,” she said.
Management Consultants Demand Protection From Clairvoyant Competition
Professional witches have also drawn hostility from Britain’s flourishing management consultancy industry.
Consultants argue that predicting the future requires years of training, expensive presentations and highly specialised vocabulary.
Witches counter that their methods are equally mysterious but do not require PowerPoint.
The National Audit Office has examined central government’s use of consultants on more than one occasion. It has yet to examine the use of consultants who own a cauldron.
A London consulting firm reportedly charged a government department £180,000 for a report concluding that the future was uncertain.
A Camden psychic offered to deliver precisely the same finding for £25.
The consultant justified the price difference by pointing out that his report ran to 147 pages, twelve charts and a diagram explaining that uncertainty increases when people do not know what will happen.
The witch responded by holding up a card showing a man falling from a tower.
“That’s the British economy,” she said.
The consultant immediately offered her a partnership.
British Association of Professional Witches Demands Equal Treatment
The British Association of Professional Witches has demanded equal treatment with economists, political advisers and public-sector consultants.
Its proposed professional standards include accurate recordkeeping, transparent fees and an obligation not to promise clients outcomes that cannot reasonably be guaranteed.
The demands have caused considerable alarm among government advisers.
One official called the proposal radical.
“You’re suggesting people should be held accountable for their predictions? That’s simply not how economic policy works.”
The association also wants recognition that professional witchcraft involves genuine administrative work.
Writing books, managing websites, organising retreats, teaching students and dealing with customers are ordinary business responsibilities, whether or not the proprietor owns a cauldron.
This is consistent with Auryn’s account of his career. He describes writing and research as major elements of his working life and says his three books have sold more than half a million copies.
Westminster was particularly struck by that last detail.
Half a million people voluntarily buying something was immediately treated as suspicious evidence of private-sector success.
Soho Medium Charges Less to Contact the Dead Than Estate Agents Charge to Reach a Landlord
Perhaps the most persuasive argument for recognising witches came from Soho, where a professional medium advertised a £150 consultation to contact deceased relatives.
A nearby letting agency charged a tenant £450 in assorted administrative fees while taking three weeks to get a reply from a living landlord.
The medium arranged an emotional reunion with somebody who died in 1978.
The estate agent could not arrange a telephone conversation with somebody who lived upstairs.
Asked to explain the discrepancy, the agent insisted that communicating with the living involves complex procedures.
“The landlord is extremely busy,” he said.
“So are the dead,” replied the medium. “They’ve got eternity to organise.”
Parliamentary Committee Recommends Licensing for Britain’s Professional Witches
A special parliamentary committee has concluded that professional witches should be welcomed into the British economy, provided they complete the appropriate licensing applications, environmental assessments, diversity questionnaires and supernatural-risk evaluations.
The committee further recommended creating a National Institute for Responsible Mysticism, funded by taxpayers and administered by people with no experience of mysticism.
Professional witches objected.
One complained that Britain’s regulatory apparatus was turning the simple act of predicting the future into an expensive, six-year bureaucratic process.
A government spokesman rejected the accusation.
“The public must have confidence that tomorrow is being delivered according to nationally approved standards.”
Camden’s Gwendolyn Tealeaf offered the final assessment.
“I’ve studied ancient rituals, consulted the stars and spent twenty years learning to interpret the unseen forces of the universe. I can tell you your relationship is doomed, your house is overpriced and your government will spend more than it collects.”
“Can you tell us when Britain will finally get its finances under control?” a reporter asked.
She studied her crystal ball.
She turned over three tarot cards.
She consulted the stars.
Then she put everything back into her handbag.
“Sorry,” she said. “I don’t do miracles.”
15 Humorous Observations About What Happens When Professional Witches Come to London
Inspired by Mat Auryn’s October 18, 2026, HuffPost essay, in which the professional psychic and witch explains that his career involves writing, teaching, research and considerably more paperwork than the public expects.
- Britain already employs thousands of people who claim to predict the future. We call them Treasury economists. Same crystal ball, except theirs comes with a pension and a knighthood.
- A London witch can turn a prince into a frog. She cannot turn a £2,800 bedsit into something a human being can afford. And the frog gets a pond rent-free.
- Westminster says witchcraft is dangerous because it makes promises with no evidence. That’s the whole job description in there. They’re not scared of the witches. They’re scared of a union.
- The NHS says it could hire clairvoyants to predict your illness. Brilliant. Book 18 weeks ahead. So now I know I’m sick, and I still can’t get seen. That’s not a diagnosis, that’s a marriage.
- Transport for London wants psychics to predict train delays. Mate, I’m in Clapham. I’ve had that gift since birth. It’s called “it’s a Monday.”
- Witches have to register with HMRC. You can talk to the dead, and the dead still have to wait for the form. Death and taxes, and only one of them has a helpline.
- If a psychic predicts the next election correctly, she’s arrested for insider trading. If she gets it wrong, she’s a pollster.
- A witch applies for a mortgage and the bank says it takes future earnings, just not earnings from seeing the future. So which future? They’re very particular about the future.
- The Advertising Standards Authority wants evidence for supernatural claims. Apply that standard to an election manifesto and you’d wipe out Parliament by lunchtime.
- Government consultants make six figures predicting things less accurately than a damp cat. A damp cat! And the cat’s honest about it. It’s miserable and it tells you.
- Witches don’t ride broomsticks anymore. Congestion charge. Nothing kills magic like a £15 daily fee. Merlin had a staff. Merlin did not have to pay Transport for London.
- A clairvoyant predicts another rubbish British summer and gets offered a senior job at the Met Office. No supercomputer. Just a coat.
- The government spends £40 million on a study into witchcraft, and the finding is that spells work best with £60 million more. That’s not a conclusion. That’s an invoice.
- A Soho witch charges £150 to contact the dead. A London letting agent charges £450 to contact a landlord. The dead call back.
- Britain’s first witchcraft trade association wants the same treatment as economists, consultants and politicians. All four predict the future. Only the witches are expected to be right. I’d pick the one who owns a hat.
Disclaimer
This article uses parody, exaggeration and satirical commentary to examine British government, economic forecasting, bureaucracy and public attitudes toward professional witchcraft. The Westminster statements, interviews and government initiatives are satirical constructions. The original HuffPost account by Mat Auryn concerns his actual work as an author, teacher and practitioner. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
SOURCE: Mat Auryn, HuffPost, October 18, 2026, I’m a Professional Psychic Witch. Explaining My Job Is a Job in Itself.
