Rugby Super League Expands to 15 Clubs; Officials Introduce Competitive Bye Week After Discovering Odd Numbers Have Consequences
Super League grows to 15 clubs for 2027, then discovers the fixture computer never learned to divide odd numbers.
Category: Sports
England Cricketer Ruled Out of Australia Tour Before First Ball; Team Physio Named Early Favourite for Player of the Series
England lose Jacob Bethell before the Australia tour begins, leaving the physio with the strongest early performance.
Independent Panel Discovers Liverpool Were Denied Obvious Penalty Against Arsenal; VAR Requests Another 47 Camera Angles and Six Months to Think About It
Liverpool’s denied penalty against Arsenal is confirmed by a review panel. VAR could not have been more correct, or less useful.
Manchester City and Westminster Agree Financial Rules Are Essential, Particularly for People Too Poor to Hire Lawyers
British Small Businesses Discover That Regulatory Fairness Apparently Improves in Direct Proportion to the Size of Your Legal Department LONDON – Britain’s political and financial establishment has reached an important understanding about regulation. Rules must be enforced rigorously against ordinary citizens, while sufficiently wealthy institutions deserve the chance to explain why the rules need further philosophical examination. The principle is now a subject of national debate following Manchester City’s financial…
Prince William vs a Real Man
Prince William Tried to Crop Out Travis Kelce Royal photo etiquette meets an NFL champion who wouldn’t budge LONDON, October 24, 2026 — Prince William has revealed that he repeatedly tried to remove American football star Travis Kelce from a photograph with Taylor Swift and his children, offering a glimpse into life in a family where people have been stepping aside for you since infancy. According to the October 23…
Manchester City Scandal Unites Supporters, Westminster Announces £900 Million Programme to Discover Whether Government Corruption Can Achieve Same Results
Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s government studies Manchester City’s remarkable ability to convert financial controversy into public solidarity, raising hopes that scandals could replace economic growth as Britain’s principal source of national unity. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026. Westminster has identified a potential solution to Britain’s declining trust in political institutions after Manchester City manager Enzo Maresca reported that the football club had become more united following an independent commission’s findings…
Opinion Polling 101: Eight Angry Residents Aren’t a City
Interviewing everyone who is angry becomes a substitute for finding out how many people agree WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump’s proposal to renovate East Potomac Golf Links has produced a remarkable achievement in contemporary journalism: a newspaper has located people in Washington who dislike something the president is doing. The breakthrough follows years of intensive research into the relationship between Donald Trump and public dissatisfaction, a field so thoroughly…
East Potomac Golf Links: Trump Probes Course Found in Park
Investigators examine century-old conspiracy involving sand traps hiding in plain sight WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has become the central figure in a remarkable Washington mystery involving a 106-year-old golf course that apparently existed for more than a century without every member of the metropolitan press fully appreciating its presence. East Potomac Golf Links Investigation Begins With a Geography Problem The investigation began after public discussion of the president’s…
Federal Judge, Studies and Squirrels Stall Trump Golf Plan
Rebuilding a sand trap may take more legal prep than Normandy, officials learn WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump’s plans to renovate East Potomac Golf Links have run into an obstacle familiar to anyone who has tried to build anything in the nation’s capital: the American federal government. The project involves redesigning a century-old public golf facility, improving playing conditions and possibly attracting major championship tournaments. Unfortunately, the undertaking also…
British Voters Declare Corruption Unacceptable Unless Their Own Party Is Responsible, In Which Case It Becomes Complicated
Manchester City Financial Case Inspires Westminster to Replace Political Principles With Team Loyalty and Selective Outrage LONDON – British political parties have reached an unprecedented agreement on corruption. It is completely unacceptable when committed by their opponents, and requires considerable historical context, legal interpretation and emotional sensitivity when it turns up on their own side. The agreement follows renewed debate over Manchester City’s financial case. An independent commission ruled against…
Manchester City Theory of Politics Sweeps Westminster: Winning Now More Important Than Following Rules, Telling Truth or Knowing What Competition Is For
British political parties adopt football’s tribal philosophy, allowing governments to declare victory regardless of results, while voters discover that defeating opponents is considerably more satisfying than improving the country. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026. Britain’s political establishment has reportedly embraced the Manchester City theory of government after discovering that modern democracy increasingly resembles professional football, with one important exception: unsuccessful football managers are eventually dismissed, while unsuccessful politicians are frequently…
Manchester City Discover Financial Rules Apply to Everyone Equally, Except Those Who Can Afford Enough Lawyers to Argue About What Equality Means
Britain’s wealthy football clubs celebrate the principle that everybody is equal before the law, although some organisations can afford to employ an entire legal department to establish what the word “everybody” means. MANCHESTER, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026. Manchester City have presented British political scientists with a fascinating question about the meaning of equality after appealing an independent commission’s findings that the club seriously breached financial regulations over nine seasons. According…
Marxist Golf Committee Demands Equal Birdies for All
Revolutionary golf plan would redistribute handicaps and nationalize the putting green WASHINGTON, D.C. – A Marxist golf committee has entered the controversy over President Donald Trump’s proposed renovation of East Potomac Golf Links, demanding an immediate suspension of improvements until the government can establish that no American will get better at golf than any other American. The committee’s intervention adds a revolutionary economic dimension to an already complicated debate involving…
East Potomac Park: Trump Brings Golf to a Golf Course
Washington Post readers brace for fairways on land that already has fairways WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has set off another national emergency by announcing plans to renovate an existing golf course, and a good many residents are now worried he means to build a golf course on land that already has a golf course on it. Washington Post Report Sparks East Potomac Golf Course Alarm The trouble started…
Britain Discovers Manchester City Can Account for £900 Million More Successfully Than Westminster Can Account for a Pothole
Football Financial Scandal Sparks Treasury Envy as Government Admits Huge Sums of Money Still Fail to Produce Reliable Trains, Roads or Hospitals MANCHESTER – British taxpayers have demanded that the government explain how Manchester City became one of the world’s most successful football clubs while Westminster struggles to fix the road outside their local supermarket. The row follows the Premier League commission’s findings on City’s finances between 2009 and 2018,…
Manchester City Supporters Prove Loyalty Is Stronger Than Mathematics, Treasury Announces British Economy Now Operates on Feelings
Government Economists Ordered to Stop Presenting Distressing Numbers and Begin Measuring How Proud Ministers Feel About Them LONDON – The Treasury has expressed interest in replacing conventional economic statistics with emotional measurements after British political analysts concluded that supporters increasingly judge institutions on loyalty rather than evidence. The finding follows Manchester City’s financial case, in which the independent commission upheld 114 of 115 charges and the club lodged an appeal.…
Manchester City Supporters Celebrate Being Cleared of One Charge, Labour Government Announces 114 Failures Now Count as Success
Downing Street Discovers That If You Get Enough Things Wrong, Getting One Thing Right Looks Like a Landslide Victory MANCHESTER – Britain’s governing class has adopted a new way of measuring performance after Manchester City were found to have breached Premier League financial rules on 114 of 115 charges, with the club appealing the decision. The news that one charge was not upheld has pushed Westminster to rethink success, failure…
Manchester City Scandal Unites Supporters, Labour Government Considers Launching Financial Controversy to Restore National Unity
Prime Minister Andy Burnham Urged to Study Football’s Remarkable Ability to Turn Bad News Into Greater Loyalty LONDON – Downing Street has become fascinated by Manchester City’s discovery that a damaging financial verdict can produce an unexpected benefit: more united supporters. City manager Enzo Maresca said on October 16 that supporters, players and club officials had grown closer since the Premier League commission’s decision. The remark electrified Westminster. For years…
Manchester City Cleared of One Financial Charge, Supporters Declare Remaining 114 a Statistical Rounding Error and Demand Victory Parade
Club supporters insist 99.1 per cent guilt is practically innocence, while Westminster politicians begin studying how to convert overwhelming evidence of wrongdoing into overwhelming public support. MANCHESTER, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026. The Manchester City theory of politics has entered a remarkable new chapter after an independent Premier League commission upheld 114 of the 115 charges commonly associated with the club’s financial case, prompting supporters to celebrate the one allegation that…
British Politicians Discover Football Managers Get Sacked for Failure, Demand Parliament Be Exempt From Dangerous Sporting Standards
Government Rejects Proposal to Introduce Relegation for Underperforming Ministers, Warning That Entire Cabinet Could End Up Playing Accrington Stanley LONDON – A proposal to bring football-style promotion and relegation into British politics has caused panic across Westminster after constitutional experts warned that government ministers could become personally accountable for the performance of the departments they supervise. The suggestion follows growing interest in how professional football differs from British government. Manchester…
Scientists Discover British Voters Will Defend Absolutely Anything Once They’ve Bought the Matching Political Shirt
Manchester City Supporters Provide Final Evidence That Britain’s Economic Future Depends on Whether the Person Explaining It Wears Red or Blue LONDON – British psychologists have confirmed that the country’s political debate increasingly resembles a football derby in which neither team understands the economic statistics but both are absolutely certain the referee is corrupt. The finding follows renewed interest in social identity theory, which suggests that people can form strong…
Political Scientists Discover Football Fans and Voters Use Same Moral Code: Corruption Is Unforgivable Unless Committed by Someone Wearing the Correct Shirt
Groundbreaking research reveals British voters possess two moral compasses, one for their own political party and another for everybody else, while football supporters insist that wearing sky blue automatically establishes reasonable doubt. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026. Political scientists investigating the relationship between football loyalty and democratic behaviour have reached a disturbing conclusion: the average British citizen possesses an exceptionally sophisticated understanding of ethics, provided no member of his preferred…
Manchester City Discover First Rule of British Politics: Never Admit Defeat When You Can Afford an Appeal
Westminster Hails Football Club’s Legal Strategy as Blueprint for Governing Britain Without Ever Accepting Responsibility LONDON – Britain’s political establishment has found a new way to run the country. It comes courtesy of Manchester City’s decision to appeal an independent commission’s findings on 114 of 115 Premier League financial charges. The method is simple: when the evidence goes against you, dispute the evidence, challenge the referee and keep celebrating the…
British Dinner Parties and Sky Sports
British Dinner Party Study Finds Wives Attend to Advance Their Careers and Husbands to Check Whether the Host Has Sky Sports Researchers say the average British guest arrives with a bottle of supermarket Rioja and a departure time already fixed in his head LONDON — A new report on the British dinner party has found that the average British man accepts an invitation for three reasons. The food is free,…
Six Bramblewick Rovers Players Suspended
Six Bramblewick Rovers Players Suspended After Teammate Arrives Seven Minutes Late, Two Arrested Manager insists discipline is essential despite eight consecutive defeats, while supporters ask why players who can beat their own teammates cannot beat anyone in the league. BRAMBLEWICK-UPON-SOOT, ENGLAND — Six footballers from Bramblewick Rovers FC have been suspended and two arrested after a dressing-room fight over a teammate who arrived seven minutes late for training. The club…
Premier League Divorce
Divorced Premier League Footballer Warns Young Players to Find Love Before Getting Rich, After Discovering Wife’s Favourite Position Was Joint Account Former striker says young footballers must learn to tell genuine affection from financial ambition, warning that a woman who loves you when you’re broke is considerably cheaper than one who discovers your personality after you sign for Manchester City. LONDON, England | A recently divorced former Premier League footballer…
Manchester City FC
This is FREE to my friends and readers of The London Prat. FREE DOWNLOAD: Manchester City FC — The Cityad: The Wrath of the Hundred and Fifteen Yes, completely free. No subscription, no paywall, no financial regulations to navigate, and certainly no 115 charges to explain. Consider it my gift to readers who appreciate satire, football, literature, and the glorious British tradition of taking something ridiculous and treating it with…
Fulham, Tottenham and Bournemouth Compete
Fulham, Tottenham and Bournemouth Compete to Become Worst Premier League Team in History, With Players and Coaches Determined Not to Let Success Ruin Their Season Three winless clubs launch historic assault on Derby County’s legendary 11-point record as supporters urge players to remain focused, avoid unnecessary victories and remember that greatness comes in many forms, including finishing twentieth. LONDON. Three English Premier League clubs have emerged as serious contenders for…
To Hell With Economic Diversity
To Hell With Economic Diversity, We’re a Football Nation! Britain Bets Christmas on a £77 Replica Shirt UK retail footfall falls 2.9% and shopping centres empty out, as Treasury advisers confirm that Britain’s last line of economic defence is a Premier League shirt made in a factory overseas. LONDON, 12 October 2026 — A Treasury spokesman stood in front of a room of reporters this morning and set out Britain’s…
Girlfriend Vetoes Football Calendar: Equality Stops at the Wall
British men demand representation in shared homes after discovering their decorating rights extend to choosing which drawer contains their socks LONDON, ENGLAND. A domestic dispute over a football calendar has exposed a fundamental constitutional weakness in modern British relationships: men are expected to contribute financially to shared accommodation while possessing virtually no authority over what appears on the walls. A Liverpool Football Calendar Raises Questions About Control of Shared Living…