England Face Spain at Wembley, Nation Begins Traditional Journey From ‘We Can Beat Anyone’ to ‘Nations League Doesn’t Matter Anyway’ | World champions Spain visit Wembley as England begin the annual journey from title contenders to glorified friendly
Manchester City Found Guilty on 114 Financial Charges, Club Relieved There’s Still One Rule in English Football It Apparently Followed | Premier League commission finds City guilty on all but one of 115 charges after a legal saga stretching back to 2023
Ireland Holds Emergency Meeting to Decide Whether Israel Is Still Allowed to Play Football Irish football enters exciting new era in which midfielders are expected to understand international law before understanding the offside trap DEBRECEN, HUNGARY — The Republic of Ireland’s preparations to face Israel descended into meetings, delayed training and political deliberation Saturday after Irish players discovered that international football apparently now requires a supplementary degree in geopolitics. Ireland’s…
Manchester City Announces New Strategy: Continue Being Manchester City Until Everyone Else Apologises Club’s history, tactics and personnel department now so efficient that even its transition periods arrive with silverware instructions MANCHESTER — Manchester City have once again reminded English football that history is not merely something to be respected, but something to be updated, monetised, tactically inverted and occasionally passed sideways until the opposition begins questioning its childhood. There was…
Türkiye vs France Ends in a Nil-Nil Draw That Somehow Still Managed to Insult Everyone Involved Kocaeli hosts a Nations League clash so tense that even the corner flags looked nervous KOCAELİ — Türkiye vs France kicked off this evening at the Kocaeli stadium with the kind of atmosphere usually reserved for a cup final, a royal wedding, or a landlord inspection. Ninety minutes later, the scoreboard read nil-nil, the crowd…
Burnham Backs Beer in the Stands, Police Ask Whether Anyone Has Actually Met a Football Supporter After Three Pints Prime Minister eyes reform of the football alcohol ban as Britain readies its boldest social experiment since somebody looked at beans and thought, right, those go on toast LONDON — Britain has embarked on perhaps its most ambitious social experiment since central heating. Prime Minister Andy Burnham has questioned the rules preventing…
London Tourist Misreads Instructions, Joins Half Marathon by Accident | Visitor says “follow the crowd” was not specific enough
Andy Burnham Considers Letting Football Fans Drink Within Sight of Pitch, Ending Britain’s 40-Year War Against Lager Looking at Grass | Government investigates extraordinary possibility that a pint can observe football without becoming radicalised
Betting Giant Reports Strong Operating Profit, Takes Enormous Gamble on Employing Fewer People Corporate bookmakers discover most attractive odds are apparently against payroll LONDON — A major betting business has demonstrated confidence in probability by combining strong financial performance with job reductions, placing what analysts describe as a sizeable corporate wager that fewer employees can continue producing plenty of money. The strategy is common enough to have its own unwritten equation:…
London Expands 20mph Roads Until Joggers Begin Receiving Speed Awareness Letters Capital moves closer to transport utopia where nobody dies in traffic because nobody reaches the destination LONDON. More than 61% of borough-managed roads across London now operate at 20 mph, raising the possibility that the capital’s fastest legal form of transport will soon be a frightened pedestrian carrying takeaway coffee. Greenwich is considering expanding 20 mph limits across almost…
London Loses 2029 World Athletics Championships to Nairobi; Officials Admit Nobody Could Afford to Run 100 Metres in London Kenya wins historic first African championships while London discovers even international athletics can escape the capital’s cost of living LONDON — London has lost its bid to host the 2029 World Athletics Championships, with Nairobi selected instead in a landmark decision that will take athletics’ largest event outside the Olympics to Africa…
Sydney Sweeney’s Novig Ad Scandal: Outrage as Advertising How America’s Angriest Critics Became Novig’s Best Unpaid Marketing Team The internet has reportedly delivered a devastating blow to sports prediction company Novig by ensuring that millions of additional people who had never heard of Novig, had never visited Novig and previously thought “Novig” might be a Scandinavian kitchen appliance are now fully acquainted with the company, its celebrity spokesperson and approximately…
England Finds Someone Willing to Fight for It, Immediately Considers Jude Bellingham for Defence Secretary Bellingham’s Halftime Scuffle With Barco, Otamendi, De Paul and Messi Convinces Nation That Courage May Still Be Available Without a Government Consultation ATLANTA, Georgia, USA Bellingham’s One-Man Campaign Against the Entire Argentine Midfield Jude Bellingham’s confrontations lasted only a few seconds each, but that was apparently long enough for England to identify its newest national…
Tuchel Unveils Bold New Formation: The 11-Man Car Park By Staff Correspondent, The London Prat — est. 1961 Atlanta, Where England’s World Cup Dreams Went to Park Responsibly In a stunning display of defensive alliteration — bunkered, blocked, and thoroughly bewildered — Thomas Tuchel has revealed the tactical innovation that will define his England reign: the moment a team goes 1-0 up, remove every single player capable of scoring a goal and…
Milei’s Economic Reforms Accidentally Create World’s Most Efficient Counterattack Argentina Cuts Government Spending, England Immediately Loses Possession BUENOS AIRES. Argentina’s government claimed Thursday that President Javier Milei’s economic reforms have now achieved what decades of football coaching could not, producing a national side so ruthlessly efficient, deficit-shy, spreadsheet-driven it scored twice in the closing minutes to eliminate England from the World Cup while barely increasing public expenditure. Officials described the victory as…
England Loses Semi-Final, Parliament Immediately Opens Inquiry Into the Rules of Football MPs Demand Answers From a Sport That Has Existed, Unchanged, Since 1863 Following England’s exit from the semi-final on penalties — a phrase now legally required by tradition to appear in every national headline — Parliament has convened an emergency inquiry into the laws of football itself, on the grounds that a game England did not invent the…
England Defeats Itself. Again. Nation Proudly Eliminates Only Team It Can Reliably Beat: England LONDON. England has once again demonstrated its unmatched ability to lose a football match that had already begun looking comfortably winnable. Historians confirmed the performance was not so much a defeat by Argentina as another successful installment in Britain’s longest-running sporting tradition: constructing hope with engineering-grade precision before immediately knocking it down. For an hour, everything…
England Did the Unthinkable Again — And You Won’t Believe Who Actually Beat Them Nation Proudly Eliminates Only Team It Can Reliably Beat: England LONDON. England has once again demonstrated its unmatched ability to lose a football match that had already begun looking comfortably winnable. Historians confirmed the performance was not so much a defeat by Argentina as another successful installment in Britain’s longest-running sporting tradition: constructing hope with engineering-grade precision…
England Loses the Match, Argentina Re-Invades the Falklands With a Bedsheet By The London Prat Sports Desk In a stunning geopolitical own-goal that nobody at FIFA saw coming despite it being entirely predictable — a phrase that is doing some serious heavy lifting this week — Argentina’s players celebrated their World Cup semi-final win over England by unfurling a banner reading “Las Malvinas Son Argentinas,” reigniting a 200-year-old territorial dispute that England had, until…
Britain Demands FIFA Investigate Banner, Hopes VAR Can Also Review the Falklands War FA Requests Formal Review, FIFA Requests Everyone Please Calm Down Britain has formally asked FIFA to investigate a controversial banner displayed during a recent match, while simultaneously floating — mostly in jest, though nobody in Whitehall will fully confirm this — whether the Video Assistant Referee system might also be repurposed to settle certain unresolved matters of…
England Defeat France in Match So Entertaining FIFA May Accidentally Schedule It Again As the comedian Michael McIntyre once observed of English sporting hope, “We don’t get excited, we get cautiously optimistic in a way that’s indistinguishable from dread.” Nobody in Miami Gardens, Florida looked cautiously optimistic on Saturday night. They looked like people who had accidentally wandered into the wrong kind of theme park. Third-Place Playoff Turns Into Accidental Box Office…
Football’s Ideological Civil War Begins as Socialist UEFA Tries to Nationalise the Ball and Capitalist FIFA Attempts to Sell It European football bureaucrats invoke collective ownership while FIFA’s global capitalists attempt to turn the World Cup into an asset class with shin guards. By Annika Steinmann ZURICH, SWITZERLAND — World football officially divides along ideological lines after UEFA accused FIFA of attempting to privatise the World Cup, while FIFA accused…
British Economy Saved by Desk Fans, Football Shirts and National Inability to Dress for Warm Weather Retail Sales Rise 1% After Citizens Discover Last Summer’s Shorts No Longer Fit June’s Surprise Retail Sales Growth LONDON, England — Britain’s economy received an unexpected lift in June after consumers purchased fans, air-conditioning units, sports merchandise and emergency summer clothing during hot weather and the football World Cup. Retail sales volumes rose by 1%…
Retail Sales Rise as Heatwave Forces Britons to Purchase Shorts They Will Wear Twice Garments Expected to Return to Wardrobes Immediately After August Rain Arrives Sideways A Heatwave-Driven Rise in Retail Sales LONDON, England — British retail sales unexpectedly rose in June after a heatwave forced millions of citizens to purchase shorts for two afternoons, one barbecue and an optimistic weekend booking in Bournemouth. Official estimates show retail sales volumes…
Spain World Cup Win Exposes a Debt-Fuelled Economic Miracle When a Heavily Indebted Nation Wins the World Cup, Economists Must Ask Whether Bankruptcy Is the Ultimate Performance-Enhancing Drug Spain won the 2026 World Cup after defeating Argentina 1–0, leaving international football facing its deepest philosophical crisis since FIFA discovered that a hydration break could also contain six advertisements, a tactical lecture, and a sponsored reminder to gamble responsibly. The tournament…
America Gets Hold of the World Cup Final and Immediately Invents a £9,500 Members’ Bar NEW JERSEY — There is a very old and very British tradition of standing on a cold terrace, eating a pie of uncertain provenance, and paying a perfectly reasonable sum to watch football. Naturally, the moment the World Cup Final landed on American soil, this tradition was taken out back and shot. According to Britannica Money’s…
Kevin Keegan Dies at 75, Leaving Modern Football Without Its Last Working Human Emotion Liverpool, Newcastle and England mourn “King Kev,” the football legend who believed supporters deserved goals, excitement and occasional evidence that managers possessed a pulse NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE — Kevin Keegan, the former Liverpool forward, Newcastle United manager, England captain and twice-crowned European Footballer of the Year, has died at the age of 75 after being diagnosed…
Scaloni’s World Cup Final Reaction Was So Emotional, Even The Fireworks Got Quiet For A Second EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY — Argentina’s bid to become the first team since Brazil in 1962 to win back-to-back World Cups ended the way most great American entertainment products end: in extra time, with a 1-0 loss, a red card, and a grown man crying in front of several hundred international journalists while, somewhere…
Spain Files for Bankruptcy: Soccer Team Asking for Donations to Get Home Socialist Government Leaves Spanish Men’s Team Stranded in New Jersey EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY — Spain’s men’s national soccer team remained stranded Monday in a New Jersey hotel after the Spanish government filed for bankruptcy, cancelled the squad’s return flight and suggested the newly crowned champions “explore community-based transportation solutions.” The announcement came less than twenty-four hours after…
Spain Wins World Cup With 256 Dives, 89 Miracle Injuries and One Actual Shot Argentina loses the final after the referee awards Spain the trophy for outstanding achievement in falling over. EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY — Spain won the World Cup on Sunday after defeating Argentina in a final that needed the full 120 minutes to settle, largely because ninety of them weren’t enough time for either side to finish…
