Marx, Lenin, Mao and Castro Charge Paris Revolution to French Taxpayers Elderly communists fuel Sorbonne uprising with government credit card PARIS, FRANCE, October 23, 2026 — French taxpayers have discovered that the latest revolution against capitalism is being financed by the very economic system its supporters are attempting to destroy, following the appearance of four elderly communist revolutionaries at a petrol station near the Sorbonne carrying a government expense account, several dozen petrol containers and a shopping trolley full of revolutionary ambition. Karl Marx, Vladimir Lenin, Mao Zedong and Fidel Castro were observed purchasing enough petrol to maintain a respectable Parisian uprising, presenting the astonished cashier with an oversized gold credit card bearing the inscription French Taxpayers: Government Expense Account. Marx, whose Communist Manifesto helped inspire generations of revolutionaries to abolish private ownership, demanded that the transaction be completed immediately. “Workers of the world, unite!” he announced. “And would somebody please validate my parking?” The cashier initially refused the card, explaining that the petrol station did not accept government accounts belonging to deceased political philosophers. Marx reportedly threatened to nationalise the establishment. The cashier approved the transaction. Revolutionary Rolex: Marx Charges Capitalism to the Taxpayer The incident highlights an important development in contemporary revolutionary economics: capitalism is oppressive when ordinary people participate in it but remarkably convenient when elderly Marxists…
Britain once powered the factories of the world. Today, its greatest industrial achievement is asking Paris whether it has a spare electricity socket. LONDON, 17 October 2026 - Britain, the country that helped launch the Industrial Revolution, has achieved another historic milestone by seeking emergency electricity assistance from France while spending nearly £50 million in a single day stabilising its domestic power system. From Industrial Revolution to Importing Electricity Historians describe the development as Britain's most remarkable reversal of industrial fortune since somebody decided manufacturing was less important than financial services and converted the factory into luxury flats. During the nineteenth century, British engineers built steam engines, locomotives, factories and electrical infrastructure that helped transform modern civilisation. The Industrial Revolution started here, and nobody was asked to phone abroad about it. In the twenty-first century, their descendants have developed a sophisticated system for asking France to help keep the lights on. "We used to export industrial technology," complained one retired Sheffield steelworker. "Now we import electricity and call it progress. At this rate, we'll be buying coal from Belgium and instructions for operating a kettle from Germany." NESO Asks France for Emergency Electricity Twice in One Week The National Energy System Operator sought emergency assistance from its French counterpart twice in the week preceding the latest balancing-cost surge, although it…
Revolutionary Committee Promises Details After Seizing Power PARIS, October 22, 2026 - France's militant Marxist fringe has proposed sweeping constitutional…
Green Party discovers universal human rights may require geographical exceptions, prompting calls for an international committee to determine whether Israelis…
America's political establishment confronts the terrifying possibility that supporting women, protecting defendants, respecting consent and demanding evidence are not mutually…
Men Declare Themselves Experts on Female Anatomy Institute Tells Women to Stop Contradicting Them LONDON, October 22, 2026 — The…
Russell Brand Wants Evidence, Britain Offers a Grin The defence asks questions. The comment section asks why. LONDON — Russell…
Queen Elizabeth II's Ghost Haunts Harry and Meghan Palace Furious Late Monarch Skipped William MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA, October 23, 2026 — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle got an unexpected royal visitor shortly after midnight, when the ghost of Queen Elizabeth II materialised in their country house bedroom with two translucent corgis…
Government Urged to Seek Professional Help After Displaying Classic Symptoms of Taxation Dependency, Including Compulsive Revenue Collection and Denial of Spending Problems WESTMINSTER, LONDON - Britain's Treasury has become the subject of an unprecedented economic intervention following growing concerns that government ministers may have developed an uncontrollable dependency on collecting…
Human applicant rejected for failing to show three years of professional experience as a chatbot, a qualification now apparently essential to modern employment. LEEDS - A recruitment experiment at a Yorkshire software company has ended with two artificial intelligence systems receiving the full benefits of employment while the only human…
A German supermarket beats Northern Ireland's licensing rules by hiring a bartender. BELFAST, 19 October 2026. Northern Ireland's licensing system has scored a victory for regulatory complexity after German supermarket chain Lidl found that the most practical way to sell alcohol near Belfast was to open an actual pub. The…
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Treasury officials struggle to determine whether royal security protects Prince Harry from the public, the public from Prince Harry, or newspaper photographers from unemployment. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026 | British taxpayers have demanded clarification of the country’s royal security arrangements after Prince Harry continued pursuing official protection while demonstrating an impressive willingness to approach members of the public in Nottingham. The Duke of Sussex greeted well-wishers, shook hands and…
MPs conclude after hearing from forty-one witnesses that two freedoms can coexist, then ask for a further report on how. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – A House of Commons select committee published an interim finding on Friday that adults in Britain are free to choose their gym clothing and that comedians are free to tell jokes, and that these two liberties do not appear to interfere with each other in…
Booking departments across London say two women responding differently to the same comedian has left them without a plan for the second guest chair. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Television producers responsible for the casting of British comedy panel shows said on Friday that they were reviewing their booking procedures after two women responded to the same American comedian in two entirely different ways and both of them appeared to…
Britain’s Backup Payment System Is Plastic and Has the King on It THREADNEEDLE STREET, LONDON – The Bank of England has answered American fears of an AI-driven financial collapse with a contingency plan built on one of the most controversial technologies in modern banking: banknotes. The announcement stunned economists who believed the future of finance belonged to digital currencies, automation, blockchain and computer networks processing billions of instructions a second.…
Evening cleaner asks organisers to leave a route to his wages MILAN – A worker attempting to travel between two jobs has expressed gratitude to demonstrators highlighting the difficulties faced by working people, while asking whether the campaign might briefly stop making those difficulties worse. The man finished an early shift unloading deliveries and set out for an evening cleaning job, only to discover that his usual route had been…
Revolutionary Committee Promises Details After Seizing Power PARIS, October 22, 2026 – France’s militant Marxist fringe has proposed sweeping constitutional changes meant to turn the country into a model socialist republic, although preliminary discussions suggest several members of the revolutionary committee have yet to establish exactly how the present republic works. The proposed uprising comes as France approaches its 2027 presidential election amid serious public dissatisfaction, protests over living costs…
Corporate executives celebrate the possibility of identifying disloyal thoughts before workers can disguise them as professional development opportunities. NEW YORK – Corporate human resources departments have expressed enormous enthusiasm for emerging mind-reading technology, explaining that businesses could finally monitor what employees are thinking instead of wasting time evaluating what they actually accomplish. The announcement came Monday during a webinar titled “Alignment Starts Between the Ears,” which 3,400 employees were required…
New philosophy board game teaches students that capitalism is oppression, private property is violence and university fees are apparently neither. OXFORD, ENGLAND – Oxford academics have unveiled a revolutionary edition of Monopoly inspired by French philosopher Michel Foucault, in which players are permanently monitored, private property is abolished and everybody eventually goes to prison. Unlike traditional Monopoly, the new game features no winners, no individual liberty and no possibility of…
The Mayor of Saint-Denis Discovers That Protecting Immigrant Students From Riot Police Also Provides Excellent Television Coverage and Unexpected Presidential Branding SAINT-DENIS, FRANCE. The mayor of Saint-Denis, Bally Bagayoko, has become one of France’s most recognisable political figures after discovering that appearing at a demonstration by French students in a business suit offers considerably more publicity than attending municipal budget meetings. Bagayoko, 53, entered the national spotlight after standing between…
Queen Elizabeth II’s Ghost Haunts Harry and Meghan Palace Furious Late Monarch Skipped William MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA, October 23, 2026 — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle got an unexpected royal visitor shortly after midnight, when the ghost of Queen Elizabeth II materialised in their country house bedroom with two translucent corgis in tow and a distinctly unimpressed expression. The disturbance reportedly began with a sudden drop in temperature, the appearance of…
Marx, Lenin, Mao and Castro Charge Paris Revolution to French Taxpayers Elderly communists fuel Sorbonne uprising with government credit card PARIS, FRANCE, October 23, 2026 — French taxpayers have discovered that the latest revolution against capitalism is being financed by the very economic system its supporters are attempting to destroy, following the appearance of four elderly communist revolutionaries at a petrol station near the Sorbonne carrying a government expense account,…
Government Urged to Seek Professional Help After Displaying Classic Symptoms of Taxation Dependency, Including Compulsive Revenue Collection and Denial of Spending Problems WESTMINSTER, LONDON – Britain’s Treasury has become the subject of an unprecedented economic intervention following growing concerns that government ministers may have developed an uncontrollable dependency on collecting other people’s money. The concern emerged as Labour MPs pressed for higher gambling taxes, following research from the Social Market…
Human applicant rejected for failing to show three years of professional experience as a chatbot, a qualification now apparently essential to modern employment. LEEDS – A recruitment experiment at a Yorkshire software company has ended with two artificial intelligence systems receiving the full benefits of employment while the only human involved was told his background did not meet the company’s requirements. The company has described the outcome as “broadly in…
Britain Discovers the Perfect Economic Regeneration Strategy: Close Profitable Businesses and Replace Them With Empty Windows, Charity Shops and Government-Funded Artwork BLACKPOOL, ENGLAND – Britain’s struggling high streets face another exciting opportunity to become even less economically active as Labour MPs push for higher gambling-machine taxes and betting operators warn that thousands of jobs could disappear. The Betting and Gaming Council’s analysis of potential gambling tax increases cites EY modelling…
Harry’s Christmas Plan Needs More Talks Than Brexit Returning to Britain Was Easier Than Returning to Dinner LONDON — Prince Harry’s reported hopes of spending Christmas with his father have run into a formidable British institution: the administrative machinery that grows up around a family disagreement. The latest reports, including this Yahoo Entertainment account of a “heartbroken” Harry, suggest the Duke of Sussex is deeply disappointed at the prospect of…
European officials insist Britain’s application must include proof of income, political stability and written confirmation that Nigel Farage will not organise another farewell party. BRUSSELS, 17 October 2026 – The European Union has responded to renewed British interest in membership by introducing an extensive psychological screening programme designed to determine whether the United Kingdom genuinely wants to rejoin or is simply experiencing another of its periodic constitutional episodes. European officials…
Authors Argue No Machine Would Choose Pay This Bad LONDON, October 19, 2026 – British novelists are preparing to demonstrate that they are genuine human beings following a Washington Post warning about AI detection in publishing, with struggling authors submitting bankruptcy notices, psychiatric bills, divorce settlements and decades of humiliating correspondence as evidence that no intelligent machine would deliberately pursue a literary career. Rejection Letters Become Proof of Human Authorship…
A German supermarket beats Northern Ireland’s licensing rules by hiring a bartender. BELFAST, 19 October 2026. Northern Ireland’s licensing system has scored a victory for regulatory complexity after German supermarket chain Lidl found that the most practical way to sell alcohol near Belfast was to open an actual pub. The Middle Ale Opens in Dundonald The establishment, called The Middle Ale, opened in Dundonald in June following Lidl’s difficulties obtaining…
Singles can’t afford dinner, conversation or somewhere private LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain has declared a national romantic emergency after economic researchers found that millions of citizens can no longer afford the traditional activities associated with finding a partner, including restaurants, cinema tickets, nice clothes and occasionally leaving the house. The announcement follows further evidence of declining romantic competence, which has raised questions about whether Britain’s remaining singles have either the…
America’s political establishment confronts the terrifying possibility that supporting women, protecting defendants, respecting consent and demanding evidence are not mutually exclusive activities, threatening the nation’s entire outrage-based economy. WASHINGTON, D.C., October 17, 2026 – America’s political and media institutions entered an unprecedented intellectual emergency Friday after researchers confirmed that two competing moral principles might both be correct. The crisis broke out amid coverage of the Cornell controversy, including The New…
Men Declare Themselves Experts on Female Anatomy Institute Tells Women to Stop Contradicting Them LONDON, October 22, 2026 — The international medical community was thrown into confusion this week after an online collection revealed that numerous men had developed a thorough understanding of the female reproductive system without studying medicine, consulting a gynaecologist or, apparently, paying attention during secondary school biology. The evidence emerged in a Bored Panda collection of…
Ministers Discover Private Enterprise Is Dangerous Until It Produces Tax Revenue, at Which Point It Becomes Essential Public Infrastructure LONDON, ENGLAND – Labour’s proposed increase in gambling-machine taxation has produced an important philosophical breakthrough: capitalism is apparently unacceptable when businesses retain their profits but becomes an instrument of social justice when government collects a sufficiently large percentage. Under HM Revenue and Customs’ published gambling duty rates, the standard Machine Games…
Britain’s husbands demand protection from technology that threatens their traditional responsibility for occasionally asking whether the children have eaten. LONDON, ENGLAND. Fathers across Britain have expressed growing alarm over artificial intelligence assistants capable of remembering children’s appointments, coordinating household activities and identifying which parent has failed to complete an assigned task. The technology represents the greatest threat to British fatherhood since the invention of the dishwasher, which briefly forced millions…
Engineers Who Built Machines That Write Computer Code Struggle to Open a Tin of Baked Beans Without Wi-Fi PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA – The world’s most sophisticated technology companies have taken a heavy intellectual blow after discovering that the most important invention of the coming artificial intelligence apocalypse may be a manual can opener. The discovery follows warnings that AI-assisted cyberattacks could disrupt power grids, banks, internet service and water systems,…
Kate Rich, Katty West Outdraw the Kremlin Moscow Demands to Know Why Voluntary Applause Works MOSCOW — Russian authorities are facing a national embarrassment after entertainers Kate Rich and Katty West showed that two attractive women with cameras, professional ambition and a working internet connection can draw international audiences without government subsidies, compulsory attendance, state television propaganda or the arrest of political opponents. The discovery has set off an emergency…
Katty West and Kate Rich Refuse to Finish Second United Nations Offers to Mediate Over Coffee MOSCOW — Russian officials have reportedly expressed concern after an entirely unofficial comparison between entertainers Kate Rich and Katty West showed that two women working in the private entertainment industry can attract international audiences without government subsidies, compulsory attendance, state television coverage or the arrest of political opponents. Kate reportedly leads in documented film…
Petrol Costs More Than the Revolution PARIS – A revolutionary collective has postponed the destruction of the established order after arriving at the Eiffel Tower with matches and discovering that France’s ruling classes had anticipated the uprising by building their landmark out of iron. The Committee for Immediate Structural Change described the setback as “a troubling example of infrastructure refusing to engage with legitimate grievances.” Its emergency statement demanded a…
Subtraction Reclassified as Austerity PARIS – A gathering of French socialist policy strategists has concluded that the welfare state can expand indefinitely, provided discussion remains focused on what people deserve and never deteriorates into how payments clear. The finding emerged from a three-day conference on universal provision, funded by an organisation whose treasurer spent most of the event looking for someone willing to approve the catering bill. “Every additional promise…
Canary Wharf Wants Protection From Machines That Wreck Finance for Free CANARY WHARF, LONDON – Britain’s banking industry has declared artificial intelligence a threat to the global financial system after American researchers warned that advanced computers could be used in cyberattacks on banks. Executives are especially worried that machines might soon move enormous sums of money without human supervision. For an industry that has spent centuries perfecting the process, the…
Parliament fears politicians might remember facts without government assistance. CARDIFF, 19 October 2026. Westminster has been thrown into an intellectual emergency following controversy over a Reform UK politician’s smart glasses, prompting demands for tighter parliamentary rules before British voters start expecting elected representatives to know what they are talking about. The Jason O’Connell Speech in the Welsh Senedd The controversy followed a statistics-heavy speech by Reform’s Jason O’Connell in the…
