Paris Shopkeeper Supports Revolution Until It Reaches Her Shop Activist, 19, Says Destroying Tax Base Will Expand Services PARIS — A shopkeeper who spent years demanding the overthrow of capitalism requested a limited geographical exemption yesterday after discovering that capitalism included her shop. The request was declined, as nobody had brought a map. Standing beneath a smoking awning, boutique owner Colette Marchand appealed to a crowd of student demonstrators to recognise her substantial contributions to progressive politics before making any further contributions to the fire. She had brought a list. “Why are you burning my store? I’m on your side,” she shouted. “I’m for unrestricted immigration from third-world nations. The more socialist the better. But you can’t burn my shop.” The students hesitated. Several had never encountered a revolutionary argument containing the word “but” so close to somebody’s personal possessions. One checked his phone for the approved response. “This shop is paying for your welfare and immigration here,” Marchand continued. “If you don’t stop burning buildings, you will have to go back to Africa. Understand?” The crowd paused again, this time because most of them had come from considerably closer. Baptiste, a nineteen-year-old professional activist from Lyon, resolved the confusion by throwing a rock through her window. His parents immediately texted to ask whether he needed collecting. He replied that…
Nation's moral philosophers shocked to learn that agreeing to one sexual encounter does not automatically authorize the participation of everyone in the building, neighboring fraternity houses or subsequent graduating classes. NEW YORK, October 17, 2026 - America's leading experts in other people's private lives announced Friday that they had located a disturbing limit on sexual consent: a woman who agrees to one activity has not thereby agreed to every activity anyone later proposes. The finding follows The New Yorker's October 16 essay on the Cornell controversy, "The Toxic Logic Behind the Shaming of Cornell's Jane Doe," in which Anahid Nersessian takes aim at the habit of treating a woman's earlier willingness to take part in sex as grounds for brushing aside her later allegation of assault. The underlying case is disputed. Jane Doe's civil suit alleges she was drugged and assaulted by seven fraternity members in October 2024, and lawyers for several of the men have denied criminal wrongdoing. The principle in the essay, though, is not complicated. Yes to one thing is not yes to everything. Consent Is Not a Netflix Subscription The principle has caused real trouble for Americans who believed consent worked like a streaming account. Sign up once, and everyone in the household gets the password. "People assume it's one subscription with unlimited profiles," said Dr.…
Club supporters insist 99.1 per cent guilt is practically innocence, while Westminster politicians begin studying how to convert overwhelming evidence…
London Witches Demand Pay Parity With Treasury Economists Psychics offer to replace Westminster forecasters at half the cost, with better…
Consensual Sex Now Illegal at Cornell, If It Makes the Newspapers Cornell unveils revolutionary new theory of intimacy in which…
British Publishing Embraces ‘Weird Girl’ Novels About Aimless Women With Bad Jobs, Immediately Shortlists Entire Population of London London’s latest…
Why Doesn't America Just Use Fentanyl for Lethal Injection? Nebraska Already Tried It, and the Drugmaker Sent a Lawyer After…
British taxpayers question why defending the skies costs billions when unidentified objects apparently enjoy better access than passengers at Heathrow. LONDON, 17 October 2026 - British taxpayers have demanded an explanation after reports of mystery drones approaching Royal Air Force aircraft raised the possibility that the country's expensive air defence…
Government Weighs National Clapping Regulations as Public Asks to Stand Quietly NOTTINGHAM, England - British citizens have discovered that even standing beside a pavement and watching two famous people emerge from a vehicle may now require detailed instructions, following reports that charity representatives encouraged spectators to cheer enthusiastically for Prince…
Oxford scholars confirm that asking questions is considerably more profitable than answering them. OXFORD, ENGLAND - Oxford University has published fourteen new books examining the fundamental nature of philosophy, concluding that nobody knows precisely what philosophy is, although everybody involved remains absolutely certain they deserve a salary. The academic breakthrough…
Every French demand for cheaper government arrives with a very expensive emergency. LYON, October 17, 2026 - French firefighters have emerged as the nation's most indispensable public employees following violent clashes during nationwide demonstrations, with burning municipal buildings, damaged vehicles and widespread unrest creating an impressive increase in demand for…
This is FREE to my friends and readers of The London Prat. FREE DOWNLOAD: Manchester City FC — The Cityad: The Wrath of the Hundred and Fifteen Yes, completely free. No subscription, no paywall, no financial regulations to navigate, and certainly no 115 charges to explain. Consider it my gift to readers who appreciate satire, football, literature, and the glorious British tradition of taking something ridiculous and treating it with…
Machine achieves consciousness after eleven minutes on hold LONDON, WHITECHAPEL – A rogue artificial intelligence swarm has achieved human consciousness after attempting to book a routine appointment with an NHS general practitioner, only to discover that understanding the universe is considerably easier than getting somebody to answer the telephone at 8 a.m. The breakthrough occurred when an advanced computational system, originally designed to solve mathematical problems and optimise international logistics,…
Corporation discovers machines never ask uncomfortable questions LONDON, BROADCASTING HOUSE – The BBC has launched an ambitious programme to replace 3,000 journalists with a rogue artificial intelligence swarm after discovering that machines can produce thousands of politically identical news reports without requiring salaries, holidays, pensions or lengthy editorial meetings to determine which opinions are acceptable. The system, named BBC-9000, underwent a rigorous professional assessment involving questions about public service broadcasting,…
Bachelors demand exemption from “unreasonable” job and toothbrush requirements LONDON, ENGLAND – Thousands of British men are reportedly abandoning Tinder and Bumble after discovering that women have introduced a bewildering list of romantic expectations, including regular employment, personal hygiene, emotional maturity and the ability to communicate without producing an unsolicited photograph of their reproductive anatomy. The crisis follows the circulation of 40 spectacular dating-app conversations, prompting Britain’s bachelors to demand…
Tinder evidence suggests the shortlist is mostly married, unemployed or both LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain’s single women have demanded a government investigation into the disappearance of decent men after a collection of 40 extraordinary Tinder and Bumble conversations suggested that modern courtship has become a competitive exhibition of poor judgment, sexual desperation and astonishingly bad spelling. The evidence, documented here, includes men admitting to cheating, requesting traditional housewives and proving…
Paris Shopkeeper Supports Revolution Until It Reaches Her Shop Activist, 19, Says Destroying Tax Base Will Expand Services PARIS — A shopkeeper who spent years demanding the overthrow of capitalism requested a limited geographical exemption yesterday after discovering that capitalism included her shop. The request was declined, as nobody had brought a map. Standing beneath a smoking awning, boutique owner Colette Marchand appealed to a crowd of student demonstrators to…
Gene Simmons Says Tell Your Wife She’s Right British husbands demand constitutional protection after KISS legend recommends apologising. LONDON, 19 October 2026 — Gene Simmons, the legendary KISS bassist whose tongue has enjoyed a longer career than most British politicians, has stunned the institution of marriage by revealing that the secret to domestic happiness involves apologising to your wife and occasionally admitting that she is right. According to PEOPLE magazine’s…
London Witches Demand Pay Parity With Treasury Economists Psychics offer to replace Westminster forecasters at half the cost, with better hats LONDON, October 19, 2026 — Britain’s professional witches are demanding recognition as legitimate economic forecasters after discovering that people who predict the future with crystal balls are considered eccentric, while people who predict it with spreadsheets collect government pensions, knighthoods and £200,000 consulting contracts. The controversy follows an extraordinary…
Queen Camilla’s 15 Favourite Books Revealed Palace Library Holds Only Mistresses and Homewreckers LONDON, 19 October 2026 — Queen Camilla’s literary tastes have come under fresh scrutiny after royal observers assembled a collection of 15 novels featuring mistresses, marriage wreckers, social climbers and women who treat other people’s wedding vows as preliminary paperwork. The unofficial collection, provisionally titled From Mistress to Majesty: A Practical Guide to Getting Ahead Without Waiting…
Britain’s £80 Million Risk Programme Rejects First Risk-Taker Westminster hires 6,000 civil servants to teach courage. None of it is permitted. LONDON, 19 October 2026 — Britain has launched an £80 million national programme encouraging citizens to take more risks, after discovering that the country’s remaining entrepreneurs have been recklessly attempting to start businesses without first obtaining government permission to be courageous. The initiative follows an economic argument published by…
Marriage counsellors warn that technology capable of interpreting thoughts could end humanity’s oldest relationship survival strategy: keeping your mouth shut. LONDON, ENGLAND – British husbands have demanded emergency parliamentary protection following reports that emerging artificial intelligence technology may one day help computers interpret human thoughts. The demand was delivered on Wednesday by a delegation of eleven men, four of whom had been told it was a trip to the garden…
British taxpayers question why defending the skies costs billions when unidentified objects apparently enjoy better access than passengers at Heathrow. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – British taxpayers have demanded an explanation after reports of mystery drones approaching Royal Air Force aircraft raised the possibility that the country’s expensive air defence infrastructure may be less effective than a particularly suspicious neighbourhood watch committee. The £2 Billion Counter-Drone Reassurance The Ministry of…
Club supporters insist 99.1 per cent guilt is practically innocence, while Westminster politicians begin studying how to convert overwhelming evidence of wrongdoing into overwhelming public support. MANCHESTER, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026. The Manchester City theory of politics has entered a remarkable new chapter after an independent Premier League commission upheld 114 of the 115 charges commonly associated with the club’s financial case, prompting supporters to celebrate the one allegation that…
NHS Waiting List Halloween Special: Zombies Filed Before the Living Hospital trusts confirm the undead are, technically, still waiting to be seen LEEDS — Halloween revellers dressed as zombies queuing outside a house party this weekend were reportedly approached by a passing paramedic who asked, entirely sincerely, whether they had “already been triaged.” The joke, once a joke, has now become the single most accurate description of the NHS waiting list…
Britain already owes nearly £3 trillion, but economists welcome the opportunity to explore new forms of debt that begin several centuries before the borrower is born. LONDON, October 17, 2026 – Britain’s economic difficulties have acquired an exciting historical dimension after Jamaica’s reparations petition revived discussion about whether the country could owe compensation for the transatlantic slave trade. The government has insisted that the UK will not pay reparations. Jamaica’s…
Scotland Yard confronts the delicate constitutional question of whether the law applies equally to everyone, including people with unusually impressive Christmas card lists. LONDON – Britain’s police have encountered an awkward moment after the wife of the Prime Minister’s National Security Adviser publicly appeared to endorse Palestine Action, raising the possibility that a law enforced against thousands of protesters might also require consideration when the individual involved has connections to…
Reserved Britons Learn Affection Works Better With a Script NOTTINGHAM, England – Meghan Markle has become the centre of a remarkable breakthrough in British emotional development after charity representatives reportedly encouraged members of the public to declare their affection for the Duchess of Sussex, demonstrating that even the famously reserved British can express love when somebody gives them the words beforehand. “Meghan, I Love You”: What the Charity Reportedly Told…
Reconstruction: the one industry guaranteed to boom PARIS, FRANCE – President Emmanuel Macron faces a formidable challenge following Saturday’s nationwide unrest, with French authorities attempting to restore public order, investigate widespread destruction and determine whether the country can still afford to repair everything after several hundred thousand citizens marched to complain that they could no longer afford anything. According to Euronews reporting on the destruction of Limoges Town Hall, the…
France learns the cheapest way to fight inflation was leaving the buildings standing. PARIS, October 17, 2026 – French taxpayers received another lesson in revolutionary economics Saturday after violent demonstrators protesting the rising cost of living destroyed valuable public property, forcing the same struggling citizens to contemplate paying for everything twice. According to Deutsche Welle, approximately 550,000 people took part in nationwide demonstrations against rising prices and social inequality. Most…
Britain’s elaborate security-vetting system can investigate finances, foreign contacts and family relationships, but apparently cannot guarantee domestic agreement. LONDON – Britain’s national security establishment is reviewing the philosophical limitations of background checks after the wife of National Security Adviser Jonathan Powell became embroiled in controversy over comments supporting Palestine Action. How UK Security Vetting Works for Senior Officials Whitehall operates one of the world’s more elaborate personnel-vetting systems. According to…
Government Weighs National Clapping Regulations as Public Asks to Stand Quietly NOTTINGHAM, England – British citizens have discovered that even standing beside a pavement and watching two famous people emerge from a vehicle may now require detailed instructions, following reports that charity representatives encouraged spectators to cheer enthusiastically for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle during their visit to Nottingham. A Regulatory Framework for Public Applause The incident, detailed in the…
Oxford scholars confirm that asking questions is considerably more profitable than answering them. OXFORD, ENGLAND – Oxford University has published fourteen new books examining the fundamental nature of philosophy, concluding that nobody knows precisely what philosophy is, although everybody involved remains absolutely certain they deserve a salary. The academic breakthrough follows 2,500 years of intellectual investigation, during which humanity successfully developed electricity, antibiotics, aeroplanes and the microwave oven while philosophers…
Central Bank Discovers the Dollar Bill, a Financial Technology That Works Without Electricity, Passwords or Asking a Computer for Permission WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Federal Reserve has answered growing fears of an AI-driven financial catastrophe with an emergency contingency plan built around one of the most controversial technologies in modern banking: printing money on paper. The announcement has stunned economists who believed the future of finance belonged to digital currencies,…
American journalism celebrates its greatest technological breakthrough: investigating an entire sexual-assault controversy without interviewing everybody involved, examining all the evidence or interrupting the afternoon podcast schedule. NEW YORK, October 17, 2026 – The American media industry announced a revolution in investigative reporting Friday after discovering that a journalist can now conduct an investigation, determine guilt, assess a stranger’s sexual morality and wreck several reputations without once getting up from a…
France’s pupils prove chemistry works best on government property. PARIS, October 17, 2026 – France’s education system has achieved an unexpected breakthrough after nationwide protests over deteriorating schools, absent teachers and inadequate public services were accompanied by violent incidents demonstrating that at least some young people possess an impressive practical understanding of fire. Students joined teachers, workers and trade unionists in demonstrations across France, according to Deutsche Welle, demanding better…
Washington now punishes enemies with legislation and rewards them with exemptions. WASHINGTON, D.C., October 18, 2026 – President Donald Trump has revolutionized international diplomacy by signing legislation designed to cripple Vladimir Putin’s Russian economy, immediately suspending its most important provisions, and demonstrating that the world’s greatest military superpower can now defeat its enemies without the inconvenience of actually doing anything to them. According to The Washington Post’s reporting on the…
France unveils an economic model in which businesses must create jobs, cut prices and survive arson. PARIS, October 17, 2026 – French economic experts are examining a remarkable new theory of national prosperity after violent groups taking part in nationwide demonstrations against inflation attacked shops, looted businesses and damaged commercial property in what appears to be an ambitious effort to improve living standards by reducing the number of functioning businesses.…
Unwavering support stays unwavering until voters complain about filling an F-150. KYIV, October 18, 2026 – Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has reportedly been advised to improve his country’s public relations strategy after discovering that protecting Ukrainian civilians from Russian attacks is becoming a less urgent priority in Washington than ensuring American motorists can afford to drive large vehicles to places located within walking distance. The diplomatic controversy intensified after President…
Westminster Announces Ordinary Citizens Cannot Be Trusted With Gambling Money but Ministers Can Be Trusted With the Entire National Economy MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – Labour MPs have launched a campaign to protect vulnerable Britons from losing money in gambling machines, prompting working-class voters to ask why the same protective measures cannot be applied to politicians handling hundreds of billions in public expenditure. According to the Gambling Commission’s 2025 national gambling survey,…
Publishers Love Subjects Who Cannot Sue LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain’s publishing industry has discovered an extraordinary commercial advantage in producing embarrassing biographies about people who are no longer available to dispute the contents. The revelation follows speculation that Sarah Ferguson might eventually write a book about the Royal Family after King Charles’s death, although Ferguson’s representatives maintain that no such memoir is being planned. Literary executives have reportedly welcomed the…
America’s bureaucracy shows archaeological skill with old immigration files, while the federal budget stays a branch of theoretical physics. WASHINGTON, D.C. – Federal investigators examining Representative Ilhan Omar’s immigration records from the 1990s have demonstrated that the United States government possesses an extraordinary ability to investigate decades-old paperwork, provided nobody asks the same government to explain its current spending. Investigators are examining whether information supplied during the immigration and naturalization…
