BRUSSELS — Meghan Markle will no longer share a European Parliament address on online safety with Prince Harry, leaving Brussels to confront an unfamiliar spectacle: a Sussex engagement involving one speaker, one microphone and, in theory, one ending. The Duchess is still expected to attend, according to ABC News's report on the revised programme. Organisers had prepared for the couple to divide a 15-to-20-minute keynote between them. With Harry now handling the address alone, a promising opportunity has arisen for the European Union to discover whether removing one speaker reduces the number of committees required to supervise a speech. A civil servant who had already ordered two lecterns was reportedly unable to process the information without forming a working group. The second lectern will be retained as a precaution, in case anyone from the European Commission wishes to deliver a statement explaining why it is no longer needed. Brussels Declares a Productivity Breakthrough The Parliament has spent years explaining that European efficiency requires consultation, coordination and a document translated into 24 languages. Then a royal speaking arrangement changed and officials glimpsed an alternative: simply have fewer people talking. Several staff members reportedly had to sit down. An internal efficiency exercise, conducted for the purposes of this newspaper, found that a keynote delivered by one person requires fifty per cent fewer…
Silicon Valley Discovers Artificial Intelligence Runs on Fossil Fuels, Not Moral Superiority LONDON — British households have been urged to switch off their kettles between cups of tea after American artificial intelligence company Anthropic reportedly agreed to spend $3.4 billion on natural gas generators, establishing that fossil fuels are environmentally unacceptable unless they are being used to produce chatbots with excellent manners. According to the Financial Times, Anthropic secured commitments for 1.7 gigawatts of gas-fired generating equipment originally ordered by a Texas supplier. The generators will provide power for artificial intelligence, which promises to solve humanity’s greatest problems, several of which are being created by the generators. The equipment remains on order. So does the salvation of mankind. Fossil Fuels Become Sustainable After Silicon Valley Buys Them For years, Britons have been encouraged to reduce their carbon footprints by insulating their homes, replacing boilers, avoiding unnecessary journeys and feeling personally responsible whenever somebody in China opens a factory. Meanwhile, Silicon Valley has discovered that artificial intelligence requires electricity rather than the moral satisfaction of having attended a climate conference. “We attempted to power our servers using corporate values,” explained an entirely unofficial technology spokesman. “Unfortunately, ethical leadership produces almost no voltage. We even tried diversity training, but the cooling fans stopped.” Burning natural gas is bad. Burning natural gas to…
WESTMINSTER: Labour's Brexit red lines have applied for dignified retirement after years of strenuous service preventing politicians from discussing their…
LONDON: Prime Minister Andy Burnham faces an NHS doctors' strike and a fresh question from patients: which two days of…
Westminster Socialists Toast America's War on Profit WESTMINSTER, London — British left-wing politicians have reacted with astonishment to Sean Hannity's…
America's political establishment confronts the terrifying possibility that supporting women, protecting defendants, respecting consent and demanding evidence are not mutually…
Men Declare Themselves Experts on Female Anatomy Institute Tells Women to Stop Contradicting Them LONDON, October 22, 2026 — The…
LONDON: A relationship between residents of Zones 2 and 4 has been officially upgraded, by the couple themselves, to long-distance dating in London. The pair, who live just a few miles apart, now communicate primarily through apologetic voice notes, carefully timed travel plans and the phrase "Let's do next weekend…
LONDON: The London dating cost crisis has entered a new stage after single people discovered they could afford either a romantic evening or a place to live, but not both in the same calendar month. Estate agents have responded with an attractive couples' discount for anyone prepared to share a…
CAMDEN: Camden has been named London's best borough for single people, a victory celebrated by residents who returned from a vibrant evening out to a bedroom shared with six flatmates, two mice and a deposit that could have purchased a small country elsewhere. The ranking, reported by the Evening Standard,…
British House Prices Fall, Government Assures Young People Homes Remain Completely Unaffordable Property Market Suffers Worst Monthly Fall in Three Years, First-Time Buyers Asked Not to Get Excited LONDON (The London Prat) - British house prices have recorded their sharpest monthly decline in more than three years, raising hopes among…
James Bond Casting Goes Live in Russia First actor to bring back the Spanish princess gets the job LONDON, England — Hollywood’s search for the next James Bond has reportedly entered its final stages, with Jack Lowden, Callum Turner and Josh O’Connor among the actors linked to upcoming auditions. According to TheWrap’s October 22 report on the next James Bond screen tests, four candidates have received offers to test for…
This is FREE to my friends and readers of The London Prat. FREE DOWNLOAD: Manchester City FC — The Cityad: The Wrath of the Hundred and Fifteen Yes, completely free. No subscription, no paywall, no financial regulations to navigate, and certainly no 115 charges to explain. Consider it my gift to readers who appreciate satire, football, literature, and the glorious British tradition of taking something ridiculous and treating it with…
Hackney Council rejects seven flats beside the Moth Club, stunning developers who thought every square metre of London was a future apartment.
Twelve midwife-led birth centres in England close and NHS planners suggest booking before conceiving. Yorkshire mothers get exciting travel opportunities.
Education Secretary Lucy Powell warns London schools against starting GCSE teaching too early. Children ask for a normal school day.
Andy Burnham wants a root-and-branch review of childhood as a million young people sit outside work or training. Westminster appoints adults to find out why.
Chancellor John Healey scraps the gas standing charge for 23 million homes and shifts it to the unit rate. Yorkshire pensioners reach for a second cardigan.
The3million sues the Home Office after almost 1,500 EU citizens see residence rights challenged over earlier decisions. Whitehall reviews the meaning of here.
UK house prices fell 0.6% in October to £296,285, says Lloyds. A Croydon first-time buyer does the maths and finds he is only £57,000 short.
DataVita’s Chapelhall AI data centre swaps big renewable plans for the National Grid. Lanarkshire locals ask what it makes. Intelligence, apparently.
Brent Council collects £1.15 million in school street fines outside Manor School in Kensal Rise. Maths is no longer the most profitable subject.
Andy Burnham heads to the UK-EU summit in Brussels seeking closer ties. Westminster wants the perks, Kent wants its carrots back and Brussels keeps the receipt.
Councils from Westminster to Milton Keynes drown in AI-generated complaints. One man’s bin collection grievance becomes an 82-page constitution.
The Home Office faces legal action over settled status reversals hitting nearly 1,500 EU citizens. Westminster introduces retroactive incorrectness.
The Burnham government in Westminster relaxes electric car targets. Britain finds the planet can wait until car dealers clear their forecourts.
Britain spends £100 million on Brexit border posts in Dover, Kent and beyond that never opened. Whitehall finds borders do not require buildings.
Thames Water asks for more time to repay £20 billion of debt. London customers ask for the same arrangement on their water bills.
Andy Burnham plans a say-what-you-pay law putting salaries in job adverts. Recruiters warn the phrase competitive salary may not survive contact with numbers.
Westminster corrects business rates guidance and finds £33 million more relief for high street shops, who ask officials to keep counting.
British councils in London and beyond are overwhelmed by AI-generated complaints, including 200 pages about one missed bin collection.
A Bridgwater, Somerset resident gets Royal Mail letters twice in three months. Ofcom investigates as the village treats the postman as a re-enactor.
London Cycling Now a Daily Battle Between Bike, Bus and Belief | Commuters report cycling to work is faster, fitter and faintly terrifying
The Ordinary Londoner’s Perspective: The Eye of the Needle Has a Better Housing Policy Than SW7 KENSINGTON, LONDON: Residents of a luxury London street have discovered that a full-grown camel can comfortably occupy a £20 million townhouse while a nurse earning an ordinary salary has little realistic chance of purchasing one. A neighbourhood Bible study prompted the discovery. A retired financier offered his newly renovated mansion as a venue. When…
Almost half of NHS trusts in England have no maternity cover budget. Birmingham managers express surprise that staff occasionally have babies.
Sir Mark Rowley wants England and Wales’s 43 police forces merged into ten. London, Kent and Birmingham criminals worry about the longer commute.
Andy Burnham wants homeless veterans housed by Christmas. Councils from Westminster to Lancashire promise a working group by Easter.
Cornell controversy exposes a shocking weakness in American justice: the Constitution still expects people to establish guilt before imposing punishment, while social media has already completed the trial, sentencing and commemorative documentary. ITHACA, NEW YORK, October 17, 2026 – Legal scholars at three separate universities confirmed Friday that the United States still observes the presumption of innocence, a courtroom custom that predates the telephone and that the Cornell Seven controversy…
Freshways cuts its milk price 7p to 29.4p a litre from December. A Somerset dairy farmer and his Holstein, Margaret, ask whether economics still applies.
Brussels assured it will be fully consulted when the bill arrives BRUSSELS – European officials have been reassured that exclusion from a proposed summit on Ukraine will not diminish their importance, since somebody must remain available to finance whatever the participants describe as a breakthrough. The arrangement gives the principal leaders room to discuss peace while Europe prepares spreadsheets explaining how peace will be housed, repaired, insured and connected to…
Sir Mark Rowley wants 43 police forces cut to eight or ten. A stolen Somerset lawnmower puts the new regional customer experience centre to the test.
The Government plans to extend the £330m NHS Palantir deal while building a British replacement. Officials explain the road to independence starts with renewal.
British employers stop hiring but raise starting salaries. London jobseekers discover the best-paid position is the one nobody can get.
