LONDON — Britain has responded to a warning that artificial intelligence could kill large numbers of people by asking whether the proposed catastrophe has completed a risk assessment, consulted the neighbours and secured permission to operate on a bank holiday. The concern follows a Newsweek report on OpenAI board member Paul Christiano, who told an audience in Toronto that an AI accident could become their most likely cause of death. That was a warning about a possible future, not an established mortality statistic. Whitehall has nevertheless ordered additional clipboards. The Robot Apocalypse Must Book an Appointment Under the proposed emergency procedure, an incoming superintelligence must provide photographic identification, proof of address and a signed declaration that it has not previously exterminated a civilisation. Officials are confident the application will be rejected for using American spellings. "It is all very well announcing the end of humanity," said fictional compliance officer Nigel Stapler, "but you cannot simply turn up at a counter and expect to destroy everybody without a reference number." British pensioners have welcomed the scheme. One grandmother in Kent explained that she had been waiting eleven months for someone to repair a pavement and saw no reason why a murderous robot should receive preferential treatment. The machine will also be required to telephone the council between 9.07am and 9.12am on…
LEEDS — Rugby league's Super League has voted to expand to 15 clubs for 2027, boldly creating a competition in which one team can win every weekend without touching a rugby ball. League executives were reportedly astonished to learn that fifteen cannot be divided into pairs without someone being left over, an inconvenient piece of mathematics previously confined to primary school. Super League Expansion to 15 Clubs Creates an Immediate New Rival: Arithmetic The official Super League shareholders' announcement confirms that clubs have supported a move from 14 to 15 teams and referred the decision to the Rugby Football League, which will set criteria for the extra place. London Broncos are among the leading candidates, but the selection process has not yet formally named a fifteenth club. A fictional fixtures official, Colin Bracket, explained the challenge. “We normally schedule seven matches from fourteen teams. Now we've got fifteen. I've tried moving the numbers around, but there's always one of them left sitting on my desk.” The Bye Week Is Unveiled as Rugby's Most Relaxed Franchise Officials have begun considering how to handle the inevitable byes. In a theoretical marketing exercise, the Bye Week was offered its own mascot, hospitality suite and season ticket. Early sales were excellent among supporters who particularly enjoyed not travelling to Hull on a rainy Thursday.…
OXFORDSHIRE: Residents of Piddington have conducted Britain's most ambitious independence referendum since Brexit, voting symbolically to leave the United Kingdom…
UK: A review led by Alan Milburn is reportedly considering major changes to sickness and disability support for young people…
Westminster Socialists Toast America's War on Profit WESTMINSTER, London — British left-wing politicians have reacted with astonishment to Sean Hannity's…
America's political establishment confronts the terrifying possibility that supporting women, protecting defendants, respecting consent and demanding evidence are not mutually…
Men Declare Themselves Experts on Female Anatomy Institute Tells Women to Stop Contradicting Them LONDON, October 22, 2026 — The…
The Council Leadership's Perspective: Matthew 7:3 Is Excellent Advice for Everyone Except the People Delivering It WESTMINSTER, LONDON: Council leaders across Britain have welcomed a new interpretation of Matthew 7:3 that allows public officials to identify moral failings in other people without first examining their own conduct. The breakthrough followed…
LONDON — Britain has responded to a warning that artificial intelligence could kill large numbers of people by asking whether the proposed catastrophe has completed a risk assessment, consulted the neighbours and secured permission to operate on a bank holiday. The concern follows a Newsweek report on OpenAI board member…
LONDON: Discount chain Poundland has secured another ten working days of protection from creditors while efforts continue to find a rescue deal. Sky News reports that thousands of jobs are at stake. The government has not announced the £400 million rescue plan imagined in this headline, but Britain's political class…
Pavements remain the network's most reliable line LONDON, England - London's Underground drivers have announced eight days of strike action over proposals for a four-day working week, leaving millions of commuters wondering whether anybody involved in running the capital has considered the radical possibility of operating a train. According to…
James Bond Casting Goes Live in Russia First actor to bring back the Spanish princess gets the job LONDON, England — Hollywood’s search for the next James Bond has reportedly entered its final stages, with Jack Lowden, Callum Turner and Josh O’Connor among the actors linked to upcoming auditions. According to TheWrap’s October 22 report on the next James Bond screen tests, four candidates have received offers to test for…
This is FREE to my friends and readers of The London Prat. FREE DOWNLOAD: Manchester City FC — The Cityad: The Wrath of the Hundred and Fifteen Yes, completely free. No subscription, no paywall, no financial regulations to navigate, and certainly no 115 charges to explain. Consider it my gift to readers who appreciate satire, football, literature, and the glorious British tradition of taking something ridiculous and treating it with…
An OpenAI board member warns of a possible AI accident. Britain responds by requiring the apocalypse to complete a risk assessment, join the queue and file Form B-47.
Super League grows to 15 clubs for 2027, then discovers the fixture computer never learned to divide odd numbers.
England lose Jacob Bethell before the Australia tour begins, leaving the physio with the strongest early performance.
UK hiring falls even as starting salaries rise, inspiring employers to invent the world’s best-paid job nobody receives.
Liverpool’s denied penalty against Arsenal is confirmed by a review panel. VAR could not have been more correct, or less useful.
The Treasury investigates a potential bank tax Budget leak, with Westminster preparing to commission an inquiry into how inquiries work.
Aldi head-office job cuts spark a seven-hour satirical management meeting on how to stop wasting time.
British councillors reinvent the seven Nolan Principles before lunch, turning public accountability into a committee devoted to everyone else’s mistakes.
An Ombudsman report finds long NHS wheelchair delays while Whitehall’s imaginary solution is another committee upstairs.
Police target 500 repeat shoplifters in a retail crime crackdown, while supermarkets wonder why thieves get a more reliable service than shoppers.
AI coursework leaves British universities wondering who wrote the essays and whether anybody read them.
The triple lock pension debate has Westminster wondering whether retirement at 70 is a luxury Britain can no longer afford.
Labour MPs fear Andy Burnham’s ten-year industrial plan lacks ambition, and Westminster attempts to rebuild Britain’s factories using meetings.
Andy Burnham hails a £12 billion offshore wind deal, as Whitehall discovers renewable paperwork grows faster than energy bills fall.
Hackney Council rejects seven flats beside the Moth Club, stunning developers who thought every square metre of London was a future apartment.
Twelve midwife-led birth centres in England close and NHS planners suggest booking before conceiving. Yorkshire mothers get exciting travel opportunities.
Education Secretary Lucy Powell warns London schools against starting GCSE teaching too early. Children ask for a normal school day.
The Taxpayer’s Perspective: One Kensington Purchase, Two Surcharges and a Camel Looking for a Refund WESTMINSTER, LONDON: A new theological dispute has erupted at HM Revenue and Customs after an overseas investor purchasing a Kensington property complained that stamp duty presented a greater challenge than the camel-and-needle test in Matthew 19:24. The purchaser, Alexander Sterling, offered £12 million for a house with seven bedrooms, two kitchens and a reception room…
Andy Burnham wants a root-and-branch review of childhood as a million young people sit outside work or training. Westminster appoints adults to find out why.
Chancellor John Healey scraps the gas standing charge for 23 million homes and shifts it to the unit rate. Yorkshire pensioners reach for a second cardigan.
The3million sues the Home Office after almost 1,500 EU citizens see residence rights challenged over earlier decisions. Whitehall reviews the meaning of here.
UK house prices fell 0.6% in October to £296,285, says Lloyds. A Croydon first-time buyer does the maths and finds he is only £57,000 short.
DataVita’s Chapelhall AI data centre swaps big renewable plans for the National Grid. Lanarkshire locals ask what it makes. Intelligence, apparently.
Brent Council collects £1.15 million in school street fines outside Manor School in Kensal Rise. Maths is no longer the most profitable subject.
Andy Burnham heads to the UK-EU summit in Brussels seeking closer ties. Westminster wants the perks, Kent wants its carrots back and Brussels keeps the receipt.
The Civil Servant’s Perspective: The Last Shall Be First, Especially if They Have a Reserved Parking Space WHITEHALL, LONDON: Senior civil servants have welcomed an innovative interpretation of Matthew 20:1-16 under which employees arriving at five o’clock may receive the same reward as those who have worked since dawn. The discovery emerged during a departmental seminar on fairness, productivity and the importance of delivering more public services with fewer resources.…
The Investigator’s Perspective: Britain’s Political Standards Crisis Meets the World’s Most Exhausting Biblical Background Check WESTMINSTER, LONDON: Parliamentary officials have received an extraordinary proposal requiring every MP to certify personal moral perfection before publicly criticising another politician. The proposal follows renewed interest in John 8:7, which warns against people condemning others while ignoring their own wrongdoing. Sir Geoffrey Bellamy, chairman of the newly established Parliamentary Stone Allocation Working Group, described…
The British Taxpayer’s Perspective: Genesis 6-9 Meets Thames Water and Britain’s Most Expensive Relationship With Rain GREENWICH, LONDON: A London pensioner has demanded clarification from Thames Water after discovering that she may not use her garden hose during a hosepipe ban, even when standing in the rain. Margaret Wilkins, 78, was tending her begonias when she received another reminder about conserving water. She looked at the clouds, examined her damp…
The Burnham government in Westminster relaxes electric car targets. Britain finds the planet can wait until car dealers clear their forecourts.
Britain spends £100 million on Brexit border posts in Dover, Kent and beyond that never opened. Whitehall finds borders do not require buildings.
