Tube Strike Sends London Commuters Walking
London Tube strikes over a four-day week leave commuters walking from Walthamstow to work. Pavements become the network’s most reliable line.
Category: Today
Tube Strike Christmas: Londoners Start Walking Now
RMT Tube drivers plan eight 24-hour strikes over 16 days from 26 November. Londoners are advised to set off for their Christmas shopping now, on foot.
Burnham Pledges Rough Sleepers a Route Off the Streets
Andy Burnham pledges rough sleepers a route off the streets by Christmas. London councils ask whether Father Christmas has any spare properties.
Burnham Blames Politicians for Youth Unemployment
Prime minister seeks urgent meeting with whoever runs the country LONDON – Andy Burnham has identified politicians as the principal cause of Britain’s youth employment difficulties and is understood to be seeking urgent access to somebody with enough political authority to do something about them. In his LADbible interview, reported by POLITICO’s London Playbook, the prime minister said: “I blame politicians first and foremost.” Downing Street immediately began establishing whether…
Californians Flee Texas to Escape California, Discover California Has Followed Them; Oklahoma Opens Emergency Political Asylum Desk
Californians who fled liberal politics discover Texas can elect Democrats, as Oklahoma becomes the latest destination for political movers.
Thomas Markle Arrested; British Tabloids Declare National Emergency After Discovering Meghan’s PR Department May Need Overtime
Thomas Markle’s arrest prompts British tabloids to declare a royal publicity crisis. Meghan and Harry attend Brussels as the PR industry loses its favourite emergency.
Danish Man Assured by Chatbot That Eviction Was Impossible; Bailiffs Rudely Proceed Without Consulting It
A Danish tenant allegedly trusted a chatbot over his landlord. The bailiffs were tragically unimpressed by the software’s confidence.
Megyn Kelly Calls Russell Brand Sentence a Witch Hunt; Texas Farmer Offers Britain a Seven-Day Legal Warranty
Megyn Kelly disputes Russell Brand’s sentence while a Texas farmer arrives in Britain with a seven-day legal warranty and questions about due process.
NATO Discovers the Cold War Never Ended; It Just Acquired Human Resources and Direct Deposit
NATO Russian espionage allegations inspire a Cold War satire about staff entrances, security clearances and direct deposit.
Meghan Markle Withdraws From EU Parliament Speech; Brussels Officials Discover Royal Couple Can Occasionally Appear Without Both Giving a Lecture
Meghan Markle steps back from the joint EU speech. Brussels discovers an unprecedented efficiency gain: one Sussex at the microphone.
Britain Told to Switch Off Kettles as Anthropic Spends $3.4 Billion on Gas Generators to Save Humanity
Britain is urged to save electricity while Anthropic reportedly secures $3.4 billion worth of natural gas generators to power AI. The planet has been invited to survive the rescue.
Andy Burnham Vows to Break 40 Years of Political Consensus
Andy Burnham Vows to Break 40 Years of Political Consensus, Replaces It With Policies From 40 Years Ago Prime minister declares himself a Westminster outsider from inside Downing Street, unveils revolutionary programme historians identify as “quite a lot of Labour” LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised to smash four decades of British political orthodoxy by unveiling a daring new programme involving public ownership, council housing, government-directed infrastructure, social care and electoral…
Prince William Learns to Live Without Harry; Palace Confirms Future King Somehow Surviving With a Palace, a Loving Wife and an Entire Kingdom
Prince William learns to live without Prince Harry, somehow surviving with Catherine, three children, royal palaces and an entire kingdom.
Ed Davey Survives Challenge Nobody Launched
Rebels agree something should happen, preferably after somebody else organises it LONDON – Ed Davey’s position as Liberal Democrat leader has survived an anticipated confrontation after colleagues found out a leadership challenge needs somebody to challenge the leadership. The party’s internal temperature briefly rose to the level of a moderately disappointing cup of tea before returning to its usual setting of concerned room temperature. Lib Dem leadership crisis: what happened…
Londoners Declare Dating Across Two Travel Zones a Long-Distance Relationship; TfL Asked to Provide Couples’ Counselling and Emergency Romantic Replacement Buses
London couples separated by two Tube zones demand relationship counselling, emergency romantic replacement buses and an affordable return fare.
London Singles Cancel Romantic Dates to Afford Their Rent; Estate Agents Introduce Couples’ Discount for Anyone Willing to Share a Bedroom With Three Strangers
London singles are cancelling dates to afford rent while satirical estate agents offer a couples’ discount on a bedroom already occupied by strangers.
Camden Named London’s Best Borough for Single People; Residents Celebrate by Returning Home to Six Flatmates, Two Mice and a Landlord Who Lives in Dubai
Camden is crowned London’s best borough for singles thanks to its dating pool and pubs. Local renters celebrate by returning to a flat shared with six humans and two mice.
Thames Water Requests More Time to Repay £20 Billion Debt; Customers Informed Their Own Bills Must Still Be Paid Before the Kettle Finishes Boiling
Thames Water seeks more time over a roughly £20bn debt burden while customers discover their bills enjoy significantly stricter repayment terms.
Bank of England Raises Interest Rates to Cool Overheating Economy; British Families Explain They Already Turned Off the Heating and Sold the Thermostat
The Bank of England raises interest rates to 4%, and families are baffled by claims their economy needs cooling when their radiators are already cold.
British Retail Sales Rise 1.5%; Economists Declare Recovery After Discovering Shoppers Are Still Buying Toothpaste, Toilet Paper and Things They Cannot Stop Needing
UK retail sales rose 1.5% year-on-year in the third quarter, prompting economists to celebrate Britain’s continued purchase of toothpaste and loo roll.
Labour’s Brexit Red Lines Apply for Dignified Retirement; Government Discovers Its Political Promises Can Retire Years Before the People Who Believed Them
Labour’s Brexit red lines are offered dignified retirement as Britain discovers its promises have a shorter working life than most people.
Andy Burnham Warns NHS Cannot Survive Two-Day Doctors’ Strike; Patients Ask Which Two Days of the Year the Health Service Was Previously Working
With consultants due to strike on 25 and 26 November, NHS patients ask whether there are any days left on which waiting counts as treatment.
Ofsted Introduces Less Stressful School Inspections; Half of Headteachers Respond by Planning to Leave Teaching Before Inspectors Return
Ofsted’s supposedly less stressful inspections leave headteachers eyeing early retirement, while the paperwork earns excellent marks for multiplication.
Conservatives Discover £36 Billion in Welfare Savings; Kemi Badenoch Suggests Britain’s Economic Problems Could Be Solved if Everyone Simply Ran a Marathon
Kemi Badenoch’s £36bn welfare savings plan inspires Westminster’s least affordable fitness challenge: running the national debt into a better postcode.
Government Tells Britons to Stockpile Food for War, Cyberattacks and Natural Disasters; Families Ask Whether Emergency Rations Can Be Bought on Klarna
Britain’s three-day emergency stockpile campaign collides with family finances, offline card machines and the rising cost of tinned beans.
Government Orders Truly Phone-Free Schools; Teenagers Warn They May Have to Develop Personalities and Speak to Each Other Between Lessons
Phone-free schools in England force teenagers to rediscover talking, eye contact and the terrifying absence of a mute button. Britain’s funniest school phone ban.
Russell Brand Gets Ten and a Half Years in Prison; Famous Sister-in-Law Takes Day Off Radio as Britain Discovers Some Family Emergencies Cannot Be Solved With a Commercial Break
Kirsty Gallacher misses one Gold Radio programme as Britain’s celebrity press investigates the terrifying possibility that a broadcaster has a private life.
Coworking Space Introduces Tiered Desk System, Ground-Floor Desk Now Aspirational
Coworking Space Introduces Tiered Desk System, Ground-Floor Desk Now Aspirational | Workers discover capitalism can recreate feudalism using ergonomic chairs and unlimited kombucha