Britain Unveils First Super-University, Combining 50,000 Students, Four Campuses and One Functioning Photocopier
The newly merged Kent-Greenwich super-university has released its official launch figures, and they are, in the words of one internal briefing document, “genuinely impressive”: 50,000 students, four campuses, thirty-one academic schools, and — after a full infrastructure audit — precisely one functioning photocopier.
The photocopier, located in a corridor administrators have declined to name “for security reasons,” is now reportedly the single most heavily used piece of equipment across the entire institution, with usage logs showing queues that outlast the average seminar.
Scale Without Precedent, Toner Without Supply
University leadership has repeatedly stressed the scale of the new institution, describing it as one of the largest in the country by student numbers, a claim supported by the sort of figures the Higher Education Statistics Agency tracks annually across the sector. What the official announcement did not stress, but a leaked Estates memo did, is that the merger’s IT and facilities integration has been, in the memo’s own words, “ongoing,” a term British institutions use the way weather forecasters use “unsettled.”
Of the four campuses’ combined 200-plus printers, administrators say 199 are currently “awaiting parts,” a phrase now printed, ironically, on a sign taped to most of them — a sign which, staff note, had to be photocopied at the one remaining working machine.
The Photocopier Heard Round Both Campuses
Staff have taken to referring to the sole working unit by name — “Doris” — a nod, several insisted, to the fact that Doris has now outlasted two IT contracts, one Vice-Chancellor’s tenure, and at least four separate “digital transformation” strategies. According to Times Higher Education, UK universities have spent heavily on digital transformation initiatives in recent years, spending that, on this evidence, appears to have transformed almost everything except the actual printers.
A Greenwich-based comedian, riffing on the story at a recent riverside gig near the Cutty Sark, put it simply: “Fifty thousand students and one photocopier — that’s not a university, that’s a very ambitious library queue with lecture halls attached.”
Booking Slots for Doris Now Required
Staff wishing to use the working photocopier must now book a fifteen-minute slot via an online system that itself crashed twice during testing, prompting one administrator to suggest, apparently seriously, printing out the booking form. The irony was reportedly “noted but not actioned.”
Departments have begun rationing print quotas, with some reduced to hand-copying exam papers, a practice one lecturer described as “surprisingly medieval for an institution that keeps calling itself forward-looking.” The Office for Students has flagged infrastructure investment as a growing concern across the sector in its published guidance on financial sustainability, though it is unclear whether the regulator anticipated photocopiers specifically becoming a load-bearing part of the argument.
Four Campuses, One Shared Sense of Dread
The four campuses, spread across Kent and Greenwich, were promised “seamless integration” under the merger. In practice, students report seamless integration has so far meant a shared login portal that logs everyone out every twenty minutes, and a shared shuttle bus service that has, on three occasions, driven the wrong route between the wrong campuses.
Students, for their part, have adapted with the dark humour that is, at this point, practically a compulsory module. “We’ve started a petition to get Doris a statue,” said one final-year student, “which, admittedly, we’ll need to print.”
Leadership Remains Upbeat
Despite the equipment shortfall, university leadership insists the merger is proceeding “exactly to plan,” a phrase that has aged, in the words of one exasperated department head, “like milk left next to a broken printer for six weeks.” A full facilities upgrade has been promised “in due course,” a timeframe familiar to anyone who has ever waited for British rail engineering works to finish.
Ten Humorous Observations on Britain’s One Working Photocopier
- Doris the photocopier has reportedly been offered, unofficially, an honorary staff parking space.
- The booking system for Doris crashed twice during a single fifteen-minute demo.
- One department has resorted to photographing exam papers on a phone as a backup plan.
- Doris’s toner cartridge is now tracked on a shared spreadsheet with more edit history than most dissertations.
- A student society has proposed “Doris Appreciation Day,” pending printed flyers.
- The four-campus shuttle bus has, so far, visited three of the four campuses correctly.
- IT support tickets for the 199 broken printers have been merged into a single ticket titled simply “everything.”
- Doris has outlasted two Vice-Chancellors, one merger announcement, and a full rebrand.
- The university’s new crest reportedly includes a subtle nod to Doris, though officials deny this.
- Staff now measure institutional stress levels in “Doris queue length.”
For more British satirical news, English satirical news and UK satirical journalism, visit Prat.uk, and for its American cousin in satire and satirical journalism, see Bohiney.com.
This article is satire. Doris the photocopier is a fictional composite created for British satire and satirical news purposes, though several UK institutions may recognise her regardless.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. He currently lives in Holloway, North London. Contact: [email protected]
