Category: Family

Entertainment Family Lifestyle News Royals

Charles Magnussen Offers to Settle the Princess Diana Argument

Alan Nafzger

Charles Magnussen Offers to Settle the Princess Diana Argument for £50 Million, British Public Starts GoFundMe Before Asking Whether Evidence Exists Media Baron Claims Secret Appledore Archive Can Prove King Charles Right, Charles Spencer Right, Everybody Wrong, or Whichever Combination Reaches the Reserve Price LONDON — Charles Augustus Magnussen has offered to end Britain’s apparently immortal argument over Princess Diana by opening what he describes as “the complete Diana archive”…

Family Culture News Royals

William Considers Royal Title Shake-Up

Bethan Morgan

William Reportedly Considers Royal Title Shake-Up, Family Christmas Expected to Require Name Tags Harry Worries Archie and Lilibet Could Become Ordinary Citizens, Millions of Ordinary Citizens Send Thoughts and Prayers Britain’s continuing royal-title discussion entered its natural final stage this week: grown adults debating whether two children should someday be forced to endure the humiliating social condition currently suffered by almost everybody on Earth. Prince Harry is reportedly concerned about…

Culture Family Lifestyle Royals Social

Fergie’s Tell-All TV Deal

Alan Nafzger

Fergie’s Tell-All TV Deal: Britain’s Last Secret Was Never Filmed Sarah Ferguson Weighs Editorial Control as the Nation Discovers It Has No Secrets Left, Only Episodes That Haven’t Dropped Yet Sarah Ferguson is reportedly considering television interview and documentary offers after returning to Britain, raising the disturbing possibility that somewhere inside the Royal Family there remains information that has not yet been converted into episodic content. According to HELLO! magazine, Ferguson…

Culture Family Governance Social

State Pension Set to Top £13,000

Fiona MacLeod

State Pension Set to Top £13,000 as Private Wages Stall; Britain Unveils New Economic Strategy: Be Old Triple lock prepares another pension increase as younger workers begin checking whether 67 can be moved to Thursday LONDON — Britain’s most reliable career advice has received fresh economic backing: get older. The full new state pension is on course to rise to around £250.70 a week, or roughly £13,000 a year, after wage…

Culture America Family Royals

Charles Tells Harry He’s a Private Citizen

Alan Nafzger

Charles Tells Harry He’s a Private Citizen, Then Discovers Private Citizens Can Also Hang Up Buckingham Palace discovers a private citizen comes with an off switch, after a father-son reconciliation gets quietly converted into an administrative procedure LONDON — King Charles III has reportedly discovered an obscure constitutional loophole in his decision to classify Prince Harry as a private citizen: private citizens are apparently allowed to hang up the telephone. The…

Culture Family Lifestyle Royals

Billionaire Helps Harry Move Home

Alan Nafzger

Billionaire Helps Harry Move Home, British Press Furious Financial Assistance Didn’t Come From Taxpayers Prince Harry billionaire backing lets the Sussexes privately finance a private life, leaving royal commentators dangerously short of public outrage LONDON — Britain wakes this week to the horrifying discovery that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle may have accepted financial assistance from a billionaire friend, an arrangement so alien to the monarchy that Buckingham Palace historians…

Bad Taste Family Royals Social

British Press Reopens Prince Harry Paternity Case

Alan Nafzger

Moronic British Press Reopens Prince Harry Paternity Case After Discovering Calendar Has Never Been DNA-Tested King Charles sends a routine clarification on Harry’s royal status, and the internet responds by reopening a 42-year-old maternity investigation using photographs, red hair, and advanced cheekbone analysis Britain’s hereditary monarchy was plunged into its approximately 4,700th constitutional emergency of the week after King Charles III issued a letter clarifying Prince Harry’s status as a…

Culture Family News Royals Social

Prince William Reportedly Fuming

Alan Nafzger

Prince William Reportedly Fuming as Harry Violates Ancient Royal Rule Against Helping People Without Permission Palace moves to protect Britain’s centuries-old royal monopoly on charity after discovering former working prince continues working Reports that Prince William is “fuming” because Prince Harry appears to be behaving too much like a working royal have exposed one of Britain’s least understood constitutional principles: once you leave official royal service, you may continue being…

Culture Family Royals Social

Royal Household Denies Kate-Camilla Civil War

Alan Nafzger

Royal Household Denies Kate-Camilla Civil War, Confirms 14 Barristers Arrived at Windsor Purely for Afternoon Tea Royal feud reportedly turns legal as Britain discovers the Crown can survive invasion, abdication and civil war but may finally be defeated by two women sharing a calendar Before the satire, one useful reality check: reports about Catherine and Camilla have been contradictory, making it difficult to know how much of the alleged feud is genuine…

Culture Family Governance Health Social

Britain Unveils Revolutionary Mental Health Strategy

Mei Lin Chen

Britain Unveils Revolutionary Mental Health Strategy: Patients Asked to Remain Mentally Healthy Until Appointment Becomes Available Former health minister suggests radical experiment involving treating distressed people like human beings Britain may finally have identified an unconventional solution to its mental-health crisis: helping people before everything goes completely to hell. The startling proposal comes from former health minister Sir Norman Lamb, whose argument in the Financial Times is that Britain needs to move…

Relationships Culture Family Health Social

London Relationship Experts Recommend Flirting

Alan Nafzger

London Relationship Experts Recommend Flirting With Your Partner Daily, Preferably Before Either of You Opens Rightmove New relationship advice urges couples to rediscover romance through compliments, kisses and briefly discussing something other than rent Relationship experts are encouraging long-term couples to flirt with each other every day, advice that has caused widespread concern across London, where many established relationships are currently based on sending one another photographs of supermarket items…

Current Absurdities Culture Entertainment Family

Meghan Protects Archie From Media

Alan Nafzger

Royal Privacy Watch: Meghan Protects Archie From Media Attention by Giving the Media Something New to Write About Archie The Duchess continues a revolutionary royal privacy strategy in which the public learns slightly more about the children every time it is reminded to stop looking at them HOLA! reports that Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, shared a previously unseen photograph of Prince Archie in a tribute to the late Gloria Steinem. Archie’s face…

Education Culture Current Absurdities Family Royals

Traditional British Schooling

Chelsea Bloom

Harry and Meghan Leave California for Traditional British Schooling, Accidentally Discover Britain Invented Expensive Elitism Centuries Before Montecito Sussex children reportedly enter $35,000-a-year prep-school world where swimming, theatre, gourmet dining and kayaking ensure nobody suffers the indignity of merely attending school Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have reportedly enrolled Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet in an exclusive British prep school costing roughly $35,000 per child per year, finally accomplishing the…

Current Absurdities Family Relationships

Britons Finally Allowed to Get Married

Siobhan O’Donnell

Britons Finally Allowed to Get Married Somewhere Other Than a Venue That Charges £9 for Mineral Water After nearly two centuries of insisting that true love could only legally occur inside a building with a licence, a function suite, and a corkage fee, the government has launched a consultation that could finally let British couples get married wherever they actually like. Fields. Gardens. Beaches. Woodland clearings. Anywhere, in short, that…

Technology Culture Current Absurdities Family Social

Midnight Social Media Curfew

Junglepussy

Britain’s Midnight Social Media Curfew: Freedom, Scheduled and Fully Regulated Britain’s Default Setting Is Cradle to Grave Regulation LONDON — Fresh from banning social media for under-16s, the British government has unveiled the next chapter in its national hobby of regulating ordinary life: a default midnight social media curfew for 16 and 17-year-olds. Officials say the feature can be switched off, proving once again that nothing screams liberty quite like a…

Relationships Culture Family

London Dating Experts Confirm

Emily Cartwright

London Dating Experts Confirm Friend’s Ex Is Only Available After Three WhatsApp Group Consultations Capital Introduces Strict Social Protocols for Romantic Recycling LONDON. Dating a friend’s ex has officially become London’s most complicated logistical exercise, narrowly beating booking a GP appointment and finding a Zone 1 flat under £3,000 a month. The debate has resurfaced after people shared wildly different experiences of dating a friend’s former partner, proving that romance…

Culture Entertainment Family International Relationships Tourism

Zendaya Weds Tom Holland at 400-Acre Estate

Chelsea Bloom

Zendaya Weds Tom Holland at 400-Acre Estate After Wedding Planner Concludes a Normal Hotel Might Make the Groom Too Easy to Find Secret Surrey do requires five-star manor, private cinema, golf course and enough countryside to ensure Spider-Man can attend without being spotted behind the floral arrangements SURREY — Zendaya and Tom Holland reportedly celebrated their marriage at Beaverbrook, the spectacular five-star Surrey country estate where privacy isn’t measured in curtains…

Culture Current Absurdities Family Lifestyle Royals

Royal Funeral for Andrew

Alan Nafzger

Royal Funeral for Andrew, Proving Cancel Culture Ends at the Cemetery Gates Andrew Stripped of Royal Titles but Apparently Keeps the Funeral Loyalty Points LONDON — Britain has apparently discovered the precise constitutional boundary of cancel culture: it stops approximately six feet underground. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, stripped of prominent royal roles and pushed firmly toward the ornamental shrubbery of public life, reportedly remains included in long-standing funeral planning arrangements capable of producing…

America Culture Family News Royals

Prince Harry Searching for Something He’ll Never Find

Harper Thames

Prince Harry Searching for Something He’ll Never Find, Palace Checks Lost-and-Found for Accountability Royal experts say the Duke may be looking for happiness, identity, reconciliation or the receipt for Spare Royal Correspondence Desk LONDON — A royal commentator claims Prince Harry is “searching for something he’s not going to find” and may therefore never be happy, according to a recent report. The observation follows six years in which the Duke of…

Culture Family Food International News

Jerusalem Café Protest

Julie de Burgh

Jerusalem Café Protest Enters Seventh Week, Raising Suspicion Everyone Is Secretly Working for the Marketing Department Haredim demand that Basimta close on Shabbat, secular activists demand the sacred right to cappuccino, and one suspiciously useful vandal ensures television cameras arrive before the croissants. Seven Weeks, Two Camps and One Extremely Famous Door JERUSALEM — A modest café in central Jerusalem has become the latest battlefield in humanity’s long struggle to…

Culture Environment Family Lifestyle Royals

King Charles Demands to Know Where Every Carrot Came From

Roper Penberthy

King Charles Demands to Know Where Every Carrot Came From, Says Nothing About Where the Crown Jewels Came From Monarch traces every parsnip to its ancestral soil while palace officials discourage similar inquiries into titles, fortunes and a certain absent prince LONDON — King Charles III wants to know exactly where every ingredient on his plate originated, according to his former head chef, Visen Anenden. The King favours seasonal produce…

Culture Education Family Health Social

Your Child’s Final Year of Nanny Care

Alan Nafzger

Top 10 Lessons From Your Child’s Final Year of Nanny Care, Daycare or Preschool 1. Your Child Is Ready for Kindergarten; You Still Need a Gradual Transition Your child marches confidently toward school carrying a backpack. You remain in the daycare parking lot clutching an emergency juice box and whispering, “But who will remind her that Wednesday is purple?” 2. Preschool Graduation Requires More Ceremony Than Most State Funerals The…

Current Absurdities Education Family Health Lifestyle

Parents Emotionally Unprepared for Kindergarten

Alan Nafzger

Child Completes Final Year of Daycare, Parents Declared Emotionally Unprepared for Kindergarten Preschool graduate masters letters, numbers and independent toileting while mother and father continue failing basic separation skills LONDO — A five-year-old Massachusetts child has successfully completed her final year of nanny care, daycare and preschool, prompting educators to confirm that she is ready for kindergarten while her parents may require another year at home. According to caregivers, little…

Culture Family Health Relationships Social

London Woman Decentres Men for Six Months

Lowri Griffiths

London Woman Decentres Men for Six Months, Accidentally Discovers Entire Northern Line Still Revolves Around Them Dating-app refugee redirects romantic energy into friendships, personal growth and judging couples arguing inside IKEA By The London Prat Relationship Desk LONDON — A London woman has completed six months of “decentring men,” a fashionable practice defined by Psychology Today as rejecting the cultural script that says a woman’s worth is tied to being chosen, and…

Culture Family Royals Tourism

Home Office Interrogates Newborn Royal

Tinsel Vandergraph

Home Office Interrogates Newborn Royal Over Suspected Loyalty to Portuguese Sunshine Leaked Transcript Reveals Infant Repeatedly Refused to Confirm Allegiance to Rain, Queuing or the Shipping Forecast Officials say baby noises were translated using a certified infant-linguistics contractor and a great deal of professional guesswork. LONDON — The Home Office has confirmed that Princess Eugenie’s newborn daughter underwent a standard citizenship-loyalty interview within 48 hours of her birth in Lisbon,…

Current Absurdities Family International Royals Social Today

Eugenie’s Daughter Arrived Somewhere Pleasant

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

Buckingham Palace Confirms Eugenie’s Daughter Is British Despite Arriving Somewhere Pleasant Princess Eugenie Gives Birth in Lisbon After Royal Baby Refuses to Enter Britain Without a Weather Guarantee New royal becomes fifteenth in line to the throne, first in line for sunshine and immediate subject of an official inquiry into unauthorised happiness abroad. LISBON, PORTUGAL — Buckingham Palace has confirmed that the newborn daughter of Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank…