Californians who fled liberal politics discover Texas can elect Democrats, as Oklahoma becomes the latest destination for political movers.
Cornell controversy exposes a shocking weakness in American justice: the Constitution still expects people to establish guilt before imposing punishment, while social media has already completed the trial, sentencing and commemorative documentary. ITHACA, NEW YORK, October 17, 2026 – Legal scholars at three separate universities confirmed Friday that the United States still observes the presumption of innocence, a courtroom custom that predates the telephone and that the Cornell Seven controversy…
Spectacular battlefield success meets spectacular credit card balances. DALLAS, TEXAS, October 19, 2026 – Americans celebrating another month of overwhelming military victory against Iran have formally asked the Pentagon to set up a reward program that would let destroyed Iranian missile launchers be exchanged for $2-a-gallon gasoline at participating service stations. The proposal came after motorists reviewed the latest AAA national gasoline price statistics, which show regular gasoline averaging about…
Iran loses missiles. Kansas loses its toilet paper budget. DALLAS, TEXAS, October 19, 2026 – American truck drivers have requested an emergency meeting with military planners after discovering that the United States can dominate Iranian airspace, damage enemy naval forces and deploy billion-dollar weapons systems without apparently having the technology to make a gallon of diesel affordable. The trucking industry greeted reports of continued military success with guarded enthusiasm. Destroying…
Negotiators name the people affected as a leading obstacle WASHINGTON – The proposed summit has revealed a major opportunity for Donald Trump: a deal about Ukraine in which nobody from Ukraine needs to spend valuable negotiating time explaining Ukraine. Veterans of complicated agreements say this could speed things up considerably. Actual stakeholders often arrive carrying maps, objections and memories. They insist on discussing the difference between a desirable announcement and…
Cebu Estate Agents Demand Character References From Pensioners Sandals now count as evidence, say Home Counties retirees CEBU CITY — Geoffrey Pargeter, 71, retired from Reigate to the Philippines in the spring, and this week he was asked to supply two referees, a utility bill and a letter from his vicar before a woman in a lanyard would let him look at a bathroom. “Two bedrooms, sea view, and apparently…
South Carolina elects Democrat Annie Andrews over Darline Graham, and Columbia Republicans demand an inquiry into what voters meant.
Sean Hannity finds hatred wins elections, and the British left in Westminster demands to know why nobody told them sooner.
America rejects Trump by electing the student union committee. British observers in London are astonished at the economics.
Trump backs Ken Paxton and Austin, Texas voters pick somebody else. The endorsement is not accepted at the polls.
London economists watch Americans vote for Marxism to punish Trump, then ask why everything costs more. Labour sends congratulations.
Voters elect Democrats and Wall Street starts losing money. New York markets sell first and read the results later.
Texas Cows Demand Recount Democrats take Austin as cattle question the franchise AUSTIN, Texas — Texas has survived hurricanes, droughts, oil busts, rattlesnakes and several decades of politicians who couldn’t explain a property-tax appraisal without a lie-down. It was not ready for James Talarico and Gina Hinojosa. Talarico beat Republican Ken Paxton for the US Senate. Hinojosa beat Governor Greg Abbott. Democrats called it historic, Republicans called for a lie-down…
Harry’s Christmas Plan Needs More Talks Than Brexit Returning to Britain Was Easier Than Returning to Dinner LONDON — Prince Harry’s reported hopes of spending Christmas with his father have run into a formidable British institution: the administrative machinery that grows up around a family disagreement. The latest reports, including this Yahoo Entertainment account of a “heartbroken” Harry, suggest the Duke of Sussex is deeply disappointed at the prospect of…
Interviewing everyone who is angry becomes a substitute for finding out how many people agree WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump’s proposal to renovate East Potomac Golf Links has produced a remarkable achievement in contemporary journalism: a newspaper has located people in Washington who dislike something the president is doing. The breakthrough follows years of intensive research into the relationship between Donald Trump and public dissatisfaction, a field so thoroughly…
Investigators examine century-old conspiracy involving sand traps hiding in plain sight WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has become the central figure in a remarkable Washington mystery involving a 106-year-old golf course that apparently existed for more than a century without every member of the metropolitan press fully appreciating its presence. East Potomac Golf Links Investigation Begins With a Geography Problem The investigation began after public discussion of the president’s…
Rebuilding a sand trap may take more legal prep than Normandy, officials learn WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump’s plans to renovate East Potomac Golf Links have run into an obstacle familiar to anyone who has tried to build anything in the nation’s capital: the American federal government. The project involves redesigning a century-old public golf facility, improving playing conditions and possibly attracting major championship tournaments. Unfortunately, the undertaking also…
The White House suspects a postal error. WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has ordered an emergency investigation into whether Iran has been properly notified of its overwhelming military defeat, after the disturbing discovery that the Iranian regime keeps fighting despite months of American victories, destroyed military equipment and White House announcements enthusiastic enough to convince nearly everyone except Iran. The confusion follows an October 16 Christian Science Monitor investigation into…
As long as one ayatollah has a microphone, the war is going splendidly. TEHRAN, IRAN, October 19, 2026 – Iran’s ruling clerics have declared an unprecedented military triumph over the United States, explaining that the continued existence of even one senior religious official able to issue threats is overwhelming proof that the Islamic Republic has defeated the world’s most powerful conventional military. The remarkable reading of military success comes as…
The premium package finally offers a peace agreement. Batteries sold separately. NEW YORK, October 19, 2026 – America’s defense industry has introduced a new approach to national security in which the United States can rack up virtually unlimited military victories without necessarily suffering the inconvenience of ending a war. The breakthrough follows months of American operations against Iran and growing interest in what it costs to replenish expensive weapons inventories.…
Seven months in, the receipt is still missing. WASHINGTON, D.C., October 19, 2026 – The American taxpayer has emerged as the most reliable weapon in the continuing conflict with Iran, absorbing financial damage without surrendering, negotiating, or receiving so much as a complimentary Pentagon baseball cap. Military planners have spent months counting Iranian missile inventories, naval capabilities and defensive infrastructure. Economists have studied the fallout for global energy markets. Politicians…
America’s political establishment confronts the terrifying possibility that supporting women, protecting defendants, respecting consent and demanding evidence are not mutually exclusive activities, threatening the nation’s entire outrage-based economy. WASHINGTON, D.C., October 17, 2026 – America’s political and media institutions entered an unprecedented intellectual emergency Friday after researchers confirmed that two competing moral principles might both be correct. The crisis broke out amid coverage of the Cornell controversy, including The New…
Kremlin promises impartiality, provided the referee arrives in a tank MOSCOW – The Kremlin has unveiled a streamlined model of dispute resolution in which the person responsible for the dispute also chairs the meeting, drafts the settlement and explains why the injured party is making everything unnecessarily personal. Under the arrangement, Vladimir Putin would bring a uniquely comprehensive understanding of the problem, having taken part extensively in creating it. Officials…
Silicon Valley Flies to Britain to Ask How the Tin Opener Works STOKE-ON-TRENT – A delegation of American technology executives landed in Britain on Thursday seeking urgent guidance on the most important invention of the coming artificial intelligence emergency, which several of them described as “a thing for the beans.” The trip followed warnings that AI-assisted cyberattacks could disrupt power, banking, internet access and water. According to reporting on AI…
Tech Industry That Promised to Eliminate Human Error Discovers Human Error Was the Only Thing Keeping Civilization Alive SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA – After pouring roughly $800 billion into machines designed to remake civilization, America’s artificial intelligence industry is now advising ordinary people to keep emergency cash in the house in case the remaking goes through. The advice traces back to an October 16 Futurism report on AI researcher Andreas Stuhlmüller,…
Hollywood Finds the Perfect Celebrity: One Who Doesn’t Show Up LONDON, October 19, 2026 | Meghan Markle has reportedly achieved the ultimate Hollywood career milestone by becoming the most talked-about actress in a television series in which she has never appeared. According to People’s reporting on Meghan’s collapsed talks with Netflix’s The Gentlemen, sources close to the Duchess believe her name was used to promote the show. Negotiations never resulted…
Victory arrives. So does the pump receipt. WASHINGTON, D.C., October 19, 2026 – Americans celebrating another month of military success against Iran have contacted the Pentagon to ask whether destroyed Iranian missile launchers can be exchanged for discounted gasoline, free groceries, or enough cash to fill a Ford F-150 without involving a mortgage broker. The question follows months of operations that have shown the nation can destroy very expensive foreign…
Management fees are forever. NEW YORK, October 19, 2026 – Wall Street analysts studying the prolonged American conflict with Iran have identified a remarkable theoretical investment: a country powerful enough to win almost every conventional engagement against an adversary stubborn enough to keep the conflict going. At first glance, the arrangement looks like an attractive commercial proposition. The United States has extraordinary military technology. Iran keeps looking for ways to…
Explosives, it turns out, are easier to manufacture than peace. WASHINGTON, D.C., October 19, 2026 – Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s push for overwhelming American military victory has entered a new technological chapter, following reports that the Pentagon prepared options involving the GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast bomb, widely known as the Mother of All Bombs. According to CBS News reporting on the Pentagon’s plans for possible MOAB strikes against Iran,…
Peace sold separately. WASHINGTON, D.C., October 19, 2026 – America’s defense industry has unveiled a new approach to modern warfare in which the United States has enough technological superiority to defeat almost any conventional enemy while keeping the option to purchase additional victories indefinitely. The breakthrough emerged at the annual Association of the United States Army conference, where advanced weapons, drones, radar systems and missile interceptors showed off the ingenuity…
