Prince William learns to live without Prince Harry, somehow surviving with Catherine, three children, royal palaces and an entire kingdom.
London couples separated by two Tube zones demand relationship counselling, emergency romantic replacement buses and an affordable return fare.
London singles are cancelling dates to afford rent while satirical estate agents offer a couples’ discount on a bedroom already occupied by strangers.
Camden is crowned London’s best borough for singles thanks to its dating pool and pubs. Local renters celebrate by returning to a flat shared with six humans and two mice.
London Women Embrace Winter Layering Trend; Boyfriends Complain It Now Takes 45 Minutes to Find Something Worth Kissing London Romance Crisis: Women Spend £900 Looking Effortless, Wear Seven Layers to Dinner and Still Tell Boyfriends They’re Freezing LONDON, England — Romance in London has entered its most heavily insulated period since the Blitz, with frustrated boyfriends reporting that modern winter fashion has turned kissing, cuddling and spontaneous affection into complicated…
Bachelors demand exemption from “unreasonable” job and toothbrush requirements LONDON, ENGLAND – Thousands of British men are reportedly abandoning Tinder and Bumble after discovering that women have introduced a bewildering list of romantic expectations, including regular employment, personal hygiene, emotional maturity and the ability to communicate without producing an unsolicited photograph of their reproductive anatomy. The crisis follows the circulation of 40 spectacular dating-app conversations, prompting Britain’s bachelors to demand…
London men regret marriage but cannot afford divorce. With a Croydon bedsit at 1,800 pounds a month, property prices now hold marriages together.
California recognises throuples and London asks about Universal Credit, as the Treasury panics over three people sharing one toaster.
Cheaper Than Divorce, With Less Conversation LONDON – Britain has enthusiastically embraced the international phenomenon of quiet quitting marriage, discovering that couples can stop loving one another without the expense, inconvenience or unpleasant emotional openness associated with divorce. Under the increasingly discussed arrangement, husbands and wives remain legally married while conducting separate emotional lives, occasionally gathering in the kitchen to negotiate access to the kettle. The development has been welcomed…
Late Husbands Now Vetting Widows’ Dates LONDON – A Hampstead widow says her late husband has started recruiting her next husband from beyond the grave, and that heaven now runs an agency to handle the paperwork. Pamela Threlfall-Hughes, 61, said she booked a sitting with a medium above a vape shop on Coldharbour Lane in Brixton to find out where her husband Derek had left the loft insurance documents. Derek,…
The Marriage Is Dead. The Direct Debits Live On. LONDON – A Walthamstow couple who spent six years discussing divorce have called it off after discovering that the only thing more expensive than living together in London is living apart. The development follows renewed public discussion of divorce and relationships, including a Yahoo lifestyle article on divorce that no longer makes financial sense. Oliver and Patricia Whitmore, both in their…
Singles can’t afford dinner, conversation or somewhere private LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain has declared a national romantic emergency after economic researchers found that millions of citizens can no longer afford the traditional activities associated with finding a partner, including restaurants, cinema tickets, nice clothes and occasionally leaving the house. The announcement follows further evidence of declining romantic competence, which has raised questions about whether Britain’s remaining singles have either the…
Men Declare Themselves Experts on Female Anatomy Institute Tells Women to Stop Contradicting Them LONDON, October 22, 2026 — The international medical community was thrown into confusion this week after an online collection revealed that numerous men had developed a thorough understanding of the female reproductive system without studying medicine, consulting a gynaecologist or, apparently, paying attention during secondary school biology. The evidence emerged in a Bored Panda collection of…
Counsellors declare man’s best friend the last emotionally available male LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain’s relationship experts have concluded that modern dating may have reached its final stage after finding that growing numbers of singles would rather spend Saturday evening with a dog than another adult human being. The findings follow the latest collection of Tinder and Bumble horrors, where romantic hopefuls show that technology has let mankind communicate instantly across…
Tinder evidence suggests the shortlist is mostly married, unemployed or both LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain’s single women have demanded a government investigation into the disappearance of decent men after a collection of 40 extraordinary Tinder and Bumble conversations suggested that modern courtship has become a competitive exhibition of poor judgment, sexual desperation and astonishingly bad spelling. The evidence, documented here, includes men admitting to cheating, requesting traditional housewives and proving…
Tinder evidence suggests the shortlist is mostly married, unemployed or both LONDON, ENGLAND – Britain’s single women have demanded a government investigation into the disappearance of decent men after a collection of 40 extraordinary Tinder and Bumble conversations suggested that modern courtship has become a competitive exhibition of poor judgment, sexual desperation and astonishingly bad spelling. The evidence, documented here, includes men admitting to cheating, requesting traditional housewives and proving…
Bachelors demand exemption from “unreasonable” job and toothbrush requirements LONDON, ENGLAND – Thousands of British men are reportedly abandoning Tinder and Bumble after discovering that women have introduced a bewildering list of romantic expectations, including regular employment, personal hygiene, emotional maturity and the ability to communicate without producing an unsolicited photograph of their reproductive anatomy. The crisis follows the circulation of 40 spectacular dating-app conversations, prompting Britain’s bachelors to demand…
Gene Simmons Says Tell Your Wife She’s Right British husbands demand constitutional protection after KISS legend recommends apologising. LONDON, 19 October 2026 — Gene Simmons, the legendary KISS bassist whose tongue has enjoyed a longer career than most British politicians, has stunned the institution of marriage by revealing that the secret to domestic happiness involves apologising to your wife and occasionally admitting that she is right. According to PEOPLE magazine’s…
Croydon Husband Discovers His Most Intimate Relationship Is Now With a Parliamentary Committee CROYDON, ENGLAND | A 63-year-old married man has expressed profound emotional confusion after discovering that the British government has devoted considerable parliamentary attention to online pornography, a subject his wife last raised during an argument about their telephone bill in 1997. Gerald Puddington, a retired refrigerator salesman and husband of thirty-six years, said he had never expected…
Chelsea marriage enters crisis after wife discovers that a computer can manage the entire household without asking where the ketchup is. LONDON, ENGLAND. A Chelsea woman has described artificial intelligence as the most dependable domestic partner of her adult life after replacing her husband’s household responsibilities with a digital assistant that remembers birthdays, organises school collections and never leaves wet towels on the bedroom floor. The arrangement comes as The…
Marriage counsellors warn that technology capable of interpreting thoughts could end humanity’s oldest relationship survival strategy: keeping your mouth shut. LONDON, ENGLAND – British husbands have demanded emergency parliamentary protection following reports that emerging artificial intelligence technology may one day help computers interpret human thoughts. The demand was delivered on Wednesday by a delegation of eleven men, four of whom had been told it was a trip to the garden…
Scientists Say 75% of Londoners Have Been Ghosted Ghosters Report Distress, Demand Sympathy LONDON, 18 October 2026 – Britain is confronting an unprecedented romantic emergency after a widely reported survey figure suggested that 75% of people have experienced ghosting, the modern dating practice in which one romantic partner vanishes without warning, explanation or the basic courtesy traditionally extended to someone delivering a fridge-freezer. According to recent reporting on the ghosting…
Harry and Meghan Insist They’re Private Citizens, Arrive With Photographers, Royal Titles and Enough Publicity to Make Buckingham Palace Look Like a Witness Protection Programme Sussexes celebrate independence from royal duties by recreating royal duties, complete with photographers, security, carefully arranged engagements and a publicity operation that would make the BBC’s royal correspondent demand overtime. NOTTINGHAM, ENGLAND, 15 October 2026: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle made their return to British…
Ealing Man Would Rather Lose a Son Than a Surname Shared With Three Plumbing Companies Retired insurance manager boycotts son’s wedding after groom agrees to take bride’s surname, insists 400 years of Pritchards cannot be lost, genealogist traces the family to a Birmingham button maker in 1892 EALING, LONDON — A London father has threatened to boycott his son’s wedding, withdraw financial support and possibly disinherit the family Labrador after…
London Wife Discovers Husband Can Have Sex While Asleep, Demands Scientists Explain Why He Still Can’t Load Dishwasher While Awake Doctors identify sexsomnia as a genuine sleep disorder, while British wives demand urgent investigation into the mysterious paralysis that strikes husbands whenever housework is mentioned. LONDON, ENGLAND, 15 October 2026 — A London marriage has become the latest battleground in medical science after a letter in Slate’s How to Do…
Divorced Premier League Footballer Warns Young Players to Find Love Before Getting Rich, After Discovering Wife’s Favourite Position Was Joint Account Former striker says young footballers must learn to tell genuine affection from financial ambition, warning that a woman who loves you when you’re broke is considerably cheaper than one who discovers your personality after you sign for Manchester City. LONDON, England | A recently divorced former Premier League footballer…
London Divorcee Says Ex-Husband’s Death Finally Lets Her Insult Him Without Being Interrupted Grieving daughter asks mother to pause a 30-year grudge for the funeral. Mother cites her constitutional right to the last word, in a country with no written constitution, and requests a longer service. LONDON, ENGLAND — A divorced London mother has announced that her former husband’s death has given her something 23 years of marriage, seven years…
British men defend the right to remain silent, particularly when wives ask questions about their mothers, former girlfriends and whether they look fat in something LONDON, ENGLAND – Marriage counsellors have warned that prolonged silence can destroy relationships, and British husbands have rushed to defend what they call the last institution left protecting domestic peace, personal dignity and the occasional uninterrupted football match. The warning follows concern that couples who…
Romantic experiment leaves 100 men exhausted, 17 confused and one still explaining why his ex-girlfriend was entirely responsible for the breakup LONDON, ENGLAND. A London woman has revolutionised modern courtship by attempting to experience an entire decade of romantic disappointment in a single day, demonstrating that the traditional British approach of meeting one unsuitable man every three months is unnecessarily inefficient. Inspired by the Harriet Richardson 100 Dates Project The…
Dating organisers struggle to attract British men who would rather spend Friday evenings being ignored in the comfort of their own homes LONDON, ENGLAND. London’s dating industry is facing a potentially catastrophic shortage of men willing to attend organised singles events, with prospective male participants explaining that paying £35 to be rejected by strangers is an unnecessary luxury when the same service is available free of charge throughout the capital.…
