Category: Food

Relationships Culture Food

100 Dates in One Day, and None of the Men Know Where to Eat

Mei Lin Chen

Romantic experiment leaves 100 men exhausted, 17 confused and one still explaining why his ex-girlfriend was entirely responsible for the breakup LONDON, ENGLAND. A London woman has revolutionised modern courtship by attempting to experience an entire decade of romantic disappointment in a single day, demonstrating that the traditional British approach of meeting one unsuitable man every three months is unnecessarily inefficient. Inspired by the Harriet Richardson 100 Dates Project The…

Food Locations

London Coffee Shop Replaces Small, Medium and Large With ‘Artisan,’ ‘Heritage’ and ‘Mortgage Application’

Astrid Holgersson

Ordering coffee now requires financial advice, a working knowledge of Italian and a deposit LONDON — A London coffee shop has replaced the traditional small, medium and large cup sizes with three new categories called Artisan, Heritage and Mortgage Application, simplifying the ordering process for customers who felt that buying coffee previously involved insufficient socioeconomic symbolism. The Artisan is approximately small. The Heritage is medium. The Mortgage Application is large…

Food Locations Tourism

Shoreditch Coffee Shop Introduces £7 Flat White Made From Beans Personally Reassured About Their Carbon Footprint

AMW

Coffee now comes with emotional support, an ethics briefing and a price that sits 55% above the London average LONDON — A Shoreditch coffee shop has unveiled a £7 flat white made from beans that management says have been ethically sourced, sustainably transported and personally reassured throughout the roasting process that they are making a positive contribution to society. The café calls the new drink the future of responsible coffee.…

Food Business Culture

London Café Charges £8.50 for Avocado Toast, Includes Complimentary Opportunity to Reflect on Home Ownership

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Breakfast finally enters the property market, and diners discover that their deposit has been quietly converted into brunch since 2017 LONDON — A fashionable London café has begun charging £8.50 for avocado toast, offering diners what management calls “a complete metropolitan breakfast experience”: one slice of bread, some mashed avocado and several minutes of wondering whether home ownership was ever genuinely necessary. The dish has proved especially popular with younger…

Food Locations

Soho Café Bans Laptops to Encourage Human Conversation, Customers Immediately Begin Staring Silently at Phones

Junglepussy

Civilisation is restored for nearly eleven seconds, until the smaller screens come out LONDON — A Soho café has banned laptops in an effort to revive traditional human conversation, prompting customers to close their computers, take out their phones and carry on avoiding one another on significantly smaller screens. Management introduced the policy after noticing that dozens of customers were buying a single coffee and then occupying tables for six…

Food

Borough Market Vendor Sells £14 Sausage Roll, Explains It Has Been ‘Curated’ Rather Than Cooked

Harriet Collins

Britain’s humblest snack receives venture capital, a provenance card and a price almost eleven times that of Greggs LONDON — A Borough Market food stall has begun selling a £14 sausage roll after explaining that the product is not technically cooked but “curated”, instantly turning one of Britain’s cheapest snacks into something that requires disposable income. The roll contains pork, pastry and enough descriptive language to fill an estate agent’s…

Food Locations

Chelsea Brunch Spot Launches £26 Eggs Benedict, Includes Two Eggs, Half a Muffin and Full Financial Regret

Hannah Miller

Hollandaise reaches wealth-management status as breakfast quietly becomes dinner in softer trousers LONDON — A Chelsea brunch restaurant has introduced £26 eggs Benedict, allowing customers to enjoy two poached eggs, half a muffin and the unmistakable sensation that somebody has just accessed their current account. The restaurant describes the dish as “a refined interpretation of the brunch classic”. Customers describe it by taking photographs and quietly checking the bill again.…

Food Locations

London Restaurant Serves Three Peas on a Slate, Waiter Confirms Fourth Pea Available With Tasting Menu Upgrade

Siobhan O’Donnell

Fine dining discovers portion control, and diners discover that imagination is calorie-free LONDON — A fashionable London restaurant has attracted attention after serving customers three peas on a rectangular piece of slate and describing the creation as “a seasonal exploration of British greenness”. A fourth pea is available as part of the premium tasting menu. The restaurant insists diners are not paying for quantity. They are paying for imagination, which…

Business Culture Food Technology

Farmer Loses Seedlings Following AI Advice

Alan Nafzger

Farmer Loses 10 Hectares of Seedlings Following AI Advice, Chatbot Recommends He Try Turning the Farm Off and Back On Again Chinese agriculture enters exciting new era in which computer can destroy crops without ever having to leave air conditioning ANHUI, CHINA — A farmer who reportedly lost 10.1 hectares of sesame seedlings after following pesticide advice supplied by artificial intelligence has become an unexpected pioneer in the newest field…

Business Culture Food International News

The Brussels Café

Astrid Holgersson

The Brussels Café: Where the Government Writes the Menu, Regulates the Stove, and Then Investigates Why Dinner Costs More Europe’s agricultural policy finally achieves what decades of Michelin inspectors never could: a restaurant where the customer, the chef, and the vegetables are all technically under investigation The European agricultural model increasingly resembles a restaurant where the government writes the menu, limits the ingredients, regulates the stove, taxes the chef, and…

Current Absurdities Education Food Social

School Lunchbox Rules

Yasmina Khan

Schools Ordered to Police Children’s Lunchboxes; Teachers Relieved Maths, Literacy and Discipline Have Apparently Been Solved New school food standards turn classroom staff into carbohydrate customs officers LONDON — British schools are preparing to expand their educational mission from reading, writing and arithmetic to the increasingly urgent national curriculum subject of inspecting Dylan’s crisps. New Department for Education food standards, the first overhaul in more than a decade, include tighter restrictions…

Culture Food News Relationships Social

Food Divorce

Morag Sinclair

London Husband Orders Pizza, Wife Makes Salad, Relationship Experts Declare Kitchen Officially Separated ‘Food Divorce’ Lets Couples Stay Married While Maintaining Separate Relationships With Dinner Britain has discovered a new threat to marriage that requires neither adultery, gambling nor discovering your husband has secretly invested the pension in cryptocurrency. It is dinner. The emerging practice has been dubbed “food divorce,” describing couples who deliberately cook, order or eat different meals…

Business Culture Food Lifestyle

London’s Oldest Restaurant

Alan Nafzger

London’s Oldest Restaurant Survives 228 Years by Revolutionary Strategy of Serving Food People Actually Want to Eat Rules endures Napoleon, two world wars and 14,000 London food trends involving foam by refusing to become an immersive beetroot experience Economists, hospitality consultants and men with tiny spectacles who describe themselves as “food creatives” were struggling this week to explain how Rules Restaurant has survived since 1798 despite apparently ignoring nearly every principle of…

Culture Education Food Lifestyle Social

Dachshund Scientists Build World’s Tastiest Rocket

Alan Nafzger

Dachshund Scientists Build World’s Tastiest Rocket, Accidentally Launch Sausage Into Headmaster’s Office Historic school experiment proves even a very small rocket can cause an absolutely enormous detention WINDSOR, ENGLAND— Dachshund scientists have successfully launched the world’s shortest rocket, although the experiment ended unexpectedly when its sausage-shaped payload flew through an open window and landed in the headmaster’s cup of tea. The rocket, named S.S. Barely Spaceworthy, measured just 28 centimetres…

Food Entertainment Social

Government’s War Against Vertical Drinking

Asha Mwangi

20 Humorous Observations on the Government’s War Against Vertical Drinking The premise is almost too cooperative with satire: Westminster City Council has floated licensing guidance that would discourage “vertical drinking,” meaning drinking while standing, in favor of more seating and table service. The council says this is about crowding, noise, and disorder rather than literally outlawing standing with a pint. Better still, politicians including Mayor Sadiq Khan have attacked the idea, while pub operators…

Culture Family Food International News

Jerusalem Café Protest

Julie de Burgh

Jerusalem Café Protest Enters Seventh Week, Raising Suspicion Everyone Is Secretly Working for the Marketing Department Haredim demand that Basimta close on Shabbat, secular activists demand the sacred right to cappuccino, and one suspiciously useful vandal ensures television cameras arrive before the croissants. Seven Weeks, Two Camps and One Extremely Famous Door JERUSALEM — A modest café in central Jerusalem has become the latest battlefield in humanity’s long struggle to…

Food Culture Health Social

New Foundayo Weight-Loss Pill

Alan Nafzger

New Foundayo Weight-Loss Pill Launches in UK as Britain Finally Discovers a Tablet Easier to Swallow Than NHS Reform Daily diabetes medicine offers non-injectable treatment while counterfeiters begin misspelling the packaging. LONDON — Foundayo, a once-daily pill for type 2 diabetes that can also support weight loss, is now available through UK pharmacies on private prescription, according to reporting on the Foundayo UK launch. Britain is the first European country to approve…

America Entertainment Food Lifestyle

Meghan Markle Hits 22% Approval in Britain

Roper Penberthy

Meghan Markle Hits 22% Approval in Britain, Immediately Announces 78% of Country Simply Hasn’t Heard Her Side Yet Netflix reportedly standing by with enough cameras to make absolutely certain they hear it LONDON — Meghan Markle has reportedly responded to a British favourability rating of just 22% by concluding that the remaining 78% of the population must simply require additional Meghan Markle. It is a strategy familiar to anyone who…

Entertainment America Culture Food Royals

Meghan’s Netflix Cookery Show

Asha Mwangi

Martha Stewart Torches Meghan’s Netflix Cookery Show, Fire Brigade Finds Only Scented Candles and a Slightly Singed Union Jack Tea Towel With Love, Meghan teaches ordinary Britons how to prepare a simple family breakfast using imported flowers, artisanal butter and a household budget roughly equal to the GDP of a mid-sized Commonwealth nation MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA — America’s own domestic goddess Martha Stewart has delivered the most devastating review yet of…

Entertainment Food Health

Britain Discovers Temporal Hollowing

Alan Nafzger

Britain Discovers Temporal Hollowing, Immediately Gives Its Temples Their Own PR Firm GLP-1 Weight Loss Sparks Fleet Street Panic as Celebrities Discover Even Their Foreheads Are Expected to Maintain Volume LONDON Britain’s Latest Medical Emergency Has Arrived Above the Cheekbones A report making the rounds on British breakfast telly has drawn attention to temporal hollowing, a reduction in volume around the temples that can become noticeable after rapid weight loss.…

Culture Food History News

Henry VIII Finds a Proper London Pub

Alan Nafzger

Henry VIII Finally Finds a Proper London Pub Former King Declares Britain May Have Lost an Empire, Six Colonies, and the Ability to Build Railways on Time, But Thank Heaven It Never Misplaced the Local History Takes a Tea Break in a London Boozer LONDON — History took a brief tea break yesterday after Henry VIII reportedly wandered into a traditional London pub, ordered a pint without downloading an app, and…

Food Governance Health

Gatwick Runs Out of Water

Camden Rose

Gatwick Runs Out of Water, Passengers Told £6 Bottles Remain Fully Operational Airport Successfully Preserves Its Most Important Utility: Retail Pricing GATWICK, England — Gatwick Airport briefly lost running water across both terminals after a power failure at a regional treatment facility, leaving toilets unusable and closing bars and restaurants while bottled beverages reportedly retained full commercial pressure. What Actually Caused the Gatwick Water Outage The disruption began after a power outage…

Current Absurdities Food Governance Health Social

Airport Water Failure Leaves Travellers Unable to Flush Toilets

Siobhan O’Donnell

Airport Water Failure Leaves Travellers Unable to Flush Toilets Before Airlines Flush Their Savings Passengers Discover Only One Kind of Liquidity Is Guaranteed at Gatwick GATWICK, England — A water-supply failure at Gatwick Airport left passengers unable to flush toilets, wash normally or purchase drinks from many bars, but airlines continued successfully removing money from customers with no detectable reduction in pressure. The Bough Beech Failure That Started It All The…

Business Culture Food

Top London Cafes

Harper Thames

The Top London Cafes: Where Coffee Costs More Than Lunch and the Chair Has Its Own Booking Fee A comprehensive guide to the capital’s finest cafés, smallest sandwiches, most judgmental baristas and beverages requiring preliminary approval from a financial adviser By Harper Thames and Amara Okafor | LONDON LONDON has more cafés than reasonable explanations for why a croissant now costs £7.50. Official Britain includes restaurants and cafés in its…