London removes the vehicles so pedestrians can finally inconvenience one another without professional assistance
LONDON | Christmas shopping on Oxford Street is about to become safer, calmer and considerably more democratic.
From 26 October, buses, taxis, private vehicles and bicycles will be removed from almost a kilometre of Oxford Street during the day as London’s best-known retail corridor begins its transformation into a pedestrian-focused space, according to Time Out’s guide to the scheme.
This means Christmas shoppers will no longer need to worry about being obstructed by vehicles.
They can be obstructed entirely by Christmas shoppers.
At last, locally sourced congestion.
Oxford Street at Christmas: Pedestrians Have Never Needed Vehicles to Create Gridlock
Anyone who has visited Oxford Street in December knows pedestrians have never required machinery to create gridlock.
Give London shoppers one pavement, three department stores, a festive window display and a man who suddenly stops walking because WhatsApp made a noise, and they will reproduce the M25 using only coats.
The phrase “pedestrian plaza” suggests something serene.
Perhaps Vienna.
People stroll.
Children laugh.
Chestnuts roast.
Oxford Street has different traditions.
A family of six stops outside Selfridges and forms a NATO checkpoint.
Someone drags two suitcases perpendicular to human movement.
A tourist decides the ideal place to examine a Tube map is directly at the top of the escalator.
Three teenagers occupy the width of Belgium.
A man carrying eleven Primark bags performs what physicists call uncontrolled retail fission.
Sadiq Khan’s Oxford Street Pedestrian Plaza: Culture, Sport and Festive Events
Traffic removal may create substantial extra space, which is one of City Hall’s stated goals. The Mayor has argued that the project can create a safer and more welcoming shopping and leisure destination, with room for cultural, sporting and festive activities. Londonist’s explainer sets out what is planned and where.
Excellent.
Because nothing says “cultural event” quite like trying to get from John Lewis to Zara while 60,000 people independently decide they need socks.
Why the Timing Matters: Oxford Street Pedestrianisation Before Black Friday
The genius of the timing is launching shortly before Christmas.
October 26 leaves approximately enough time for Londoners to become familiar with the new arrangements before Black Friday arrives carrying a flamethrower.
By December, the new plaza should reach its natural operating capacity of approximately fourteen humans per paving slab.
Oxford Street’s great historical misunderstanding has always been that vehicles caused congestion.
Vehicles merely added horsepower.
Human beings are perfectly capable of creating traffic using shoulders.
The Christmas Shopper Who Stops Dead in the Middle of Oxford Street
Consider the standard Christmas shopper.
He leaves home promising to buy three presents.
Within forty minutes he is carrying a scented candle, novelty slippers, an electronic device he does not understand and something from Lush emitting enough fragrance to be detected from France.
He then stops in the middle of Oxford Street.
Why?
To check the list.
Not beside the street.
Not against a wall.
Dead centre.
People flow around him like the Thames around an abandoned refrigerator.
Without buses, this man becomes infrastructure.
London Families on Oxford Street: The Mobile Road Closure
Meanwhile families will have additional pedestrian room, which they will immediately use to walk horizontally.
The traditional London family formation is simple.
Father on left.
Mother on right.
Children deployed between them at inconsistent speeds.
Pushchair positioned diagonally.
Entire formation moving 0.7 miles per hour.
It is less a family than a mobile road closure.
Tourists at Oxford Circus: The World’s Largest Open-Air Seminar
There will also be tourists.
London should treasure tourists. They bring enormous economic value.
They also possess a supernatural ability to discover places Londoners are attempting to walk through and stand there.
Oxford Circus will become the world’s largest open-air seminar titled Where Are We?
One person will point north.
Another will insist Marble Arch is east.
A third will rotate their phone.
Google Maps will quietly reconsider its career.
Cyclists Banned From Oxford Street: Promoted Alongside Buses and Taxis
The pedestrian scheme also bans bicycles from the section during traffic-free hours, removing another source of conflict.
Cyclists may initially feel singled out.
They should instead appreciate the historic distinction.
For the first time in London, bicycles have been promoted into the same category as taxis and buses.
Congratulations.
You have arrived.
Overnight Deliveries on Oxford Street: The Midnight-to-7 a.m. Christmas Miracle
Deliveries, meanwhile, shift largely into the midnight-to-7 a.m. servicing window, ensuring shops can still receive goods without daytime delivery traffic.
Thus the Christmas miracle continues overnight.
While shoppers sleep, vans arrive.
Shelves refill.
Bins disappear.
At dawn Oxford Street awakens pristine and ready for another 14-hour experiment demonstrating that humans can generate congestion without internal combustion.
A Safer Oxford Street, Still Full of Christmas Shoppers
The project may indeed make Oxford Street safer and more pleasant.
But anyone expecting serenity should remember where this is happening.
This is central London at Christmas.
Removing vehicles does not create empty space.
It merely gives shoppers more territory.
By December, Oxford Street may contain no buses, no taxis and no bicycles.
Just pedestrians.
Hundreds of thousands of them.
Standing perfectly still outside Selfridges.
Humorous Observations on Christmas Shopping on a Traffic-Free Oxford Street
- Oxford Street will become wonderfully peaceful, except for several hundred thousand pedestrians trying to occupy the same square metre outside Selfridges.
- Pedestrianisation shortly before Christmas combines two peaceful phenomena: London shoppers and December.
- A traffic-free Oxford Street may finally permit tourists to stop suddenly in groups of eight without inconveniencing anything except civilization.
- Oxford Street will become cleaner, calmer and safer, assuming absolutely nobody needs to cross Regent Street ever again.
Disclaimer
This satire exaggerates transportation planning, Christmas shopping, London pedestrians, buses, taxis, cyclists, consultants, satnavs and the metaphysical properties of congestion for comic purposes. The underlying Oxford Street dates, boundaries and transport arrangements are grounded in published TfL and City Hall material. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No traffic consultant was harmed, although several may have been rerouted.
For authoritative background, see TfL’s Oxford Street area works and travel guidance and Oxford Street delivery and servicing arrangements. For further reporting, see Time Out’s guide to the Oxford Street pedestrianisation.
Oeko Angebot ([email protected])
