Greek Gods Applaud The Odyssey

Greek Gods Applaud Visual Effects, Ask Whether Anyone Remembered the Tragedy

Olympus Hosts Advance Screening of The Odyssey at Leicester Square, Immediately Starts Queueing to Complain

LEICESTER SQUARE, LONDON. The Greek gods emerged from a press screening of The Odyssey looking impressed, faintly damp, and quietly furious that Hollywood had spent several hundred million pounds recreating their family drama without so much as a courtesy email. Anyone who has studied Greek mythology at even O-level knew this was coming.

“It looked magnificent,” conceded Zeus, generating a spot of polite thunder over Leicester Square, to the visible irritation of a nearby pigeon. “Every lightning bolt was very well produced indeed. Unfortunately, I couldn’t for the life of me recall why anyone was being struck by one.”

He awarded the film four stars out of five, docking one for “insufficient divine ego, which is rather like criticising the Thames for being a bit wet.” Scholars at Theoi.com confirmed that “insufficient ego” has never previously been used in the same sentence as Zeus.

Zeus: “More Me Next Time, Frankly”

“As King of the Gods, I expected at least forty percent more Zeus,” he complained, in the manner of a man who has just discovered his seat reservation has been given to someone else. “Whenever mortals adapt Greek mythology, they behave as though the story is about them. Sweet, really.”

He added that the storm sequences were “accurate enough,” although his own storms “usually run to a stricter timetable and considerably more paperwork” — a god filing a formal complaint about the weather, which is either irony or simply British.

Athena Gives the Film Full Marks for Intelligence, Then Withdraws Them Politely

Athena praised the strategy scenes. “Finally, a hero who occasionally thinks before swinging a sword,” she said. Then she frowned. “On the other hand, every time the audience began reflecting on the moral cost of war, someone unveiled another sweeping panoramic shot, rather like changing the subject at a dinner party.”

Her verdict: “Five stars for wisdom. Three stars for remembering to use it.” Critics called it a review that was more Athena than the film itself, which tracks, since she also invented critics and, allegedly, the concept of the polite one-star Amazon review.

Poseidon Still Cross After Three Thousand Years

Poseidon refused to clap.

“I spent a full decade making Odysseus’s journey utterly impossible,” he grumbled. “Hollywood condensed my life’s work into a three-minute montage set to strings.”

The sea god insisted the oceans in the film looked “handsome, but emotionally under-salted, like chips at a seaside chippy that’s forgotten its purpose.”

“My waves used to hold grudges for generations. These waves look positively unionised.” Dockworkers along the Thames reportedly enquired about joining, citing a generous swell-and-tide package with excellent overtime.

Hades Gives a Surprisingly Cheerful Review

The ruler of the Underworld smiled throughout the screening.

“I enjoyed every scene involving death,” he admitted. “Business has always been steady, recession-proof if you will.”

He did wonder why modern audiences found the film “dark.”

“You clearly haven’t queued at a London bus stop in February.”

His review simply read: “Would haunt again.” As one British comedian is fond of saying about the Northern Line at rush hour, “Hell has better signage and shorter queues” — a compliment Hades apparently took as intended.

Aphrodite Thinks Everyone Needed Better Hair, and Possibly an Umbrella

“The romance is perfectly respectable,” Aphrodite sighed. “But after crossing the Mediterranean for ten years in open boats, everyone still has the cheekbones of a Chelsea catalogue model.”

She paused. “I’ve seen actual sailors. This is not what sailors look like, particularly not in this weather.”

Her official score: “Needs forty percent more irresistible longing and considerably less flattering lighting.” Beauty editors called it a face-lit franchise with a plot-shaped problem.

Ares Wanted Fewer Feelings, Rather More Fighting

Ares crossed his arms. “The battles were excellent.” Then he looked put out. “Unfortunately, people kept stopping to discuss consequences, like a football match interrupted by VAR.”

He proposed a director’s cut containing “an additional ninety minutes of glorious, entirely unnecessary violence.” Critics gave the proposal decidedly mixed reviews, proving even the God of War can get panned in his own genre.

Hermes Loved the Pace, Naturally

Hermes practically sprinted out of the cinema. “Finally! A story where somebody actually goes somewhere, unlike most British train services.”

He did object to one detail. “Nobody delivers a message faster than I do. That messenger bird took an absolute age — slower than first-class post.”

He rated the film “fast enough for mortals” — swift praise from the swiftest god, which is either alliteration or simply a job requirement.

Dionysus Found the Runtime Easier With a Decent Claret

Dionysus hosted the after-party before the credits had finished rolling.

“The first hour pairs beautifully with a bold red.” “The second hour benefits enormously from olives.” “The third hour absolutely requires another bottle, possibly two.”

He declared the film “astonishing after the fourth glass” — proof that every runtime is a good runtime with the right wine to see it through, a pairing note the god insists upon regardless of postcode.

Artemis Wanted More Wildlife, Frankly

“I counted wolves, birds, horses and goats,” Artemis noted. “Acceptable, if unambitious.” She deducted points because “not one deer received meaningful character development,” a complaint the RSPB declined to comment on, citing jurisdictional issues with Mount Olympus.

Hephaestus Approved of the Craftsmanship

The blacksmith god slowly nodded. “Outstanding engineering, genuinely.” He admired the armour, the ships, the weapons. Then he scratched his beard. “I’ve made better.” Nobody could tell if he was joking, which is the highest compliment a blacksmith can pay without technically paying one.

Hera Lodges Yet Another Formal Complaint

Hera objected on principle. “I rather assumed Zeus would embarrass himself more thoroughly.” When informed the story concerned Odysseus, not her husband, she replied: “Then clearly the screenplay lacked ambition, and possibly a solicitor.”

The Cyclops Delivers the Shortest Review in Fleet Street History

Polyphemus emerged wearing an eye patch. “One star.” Asked why, he replied: “They never show my good side” — a line so clean even Rotten Tomatoes reportedly considered a sympathy Certified Fresh badge.

Homer Quietly Raises One Finger From the Back Row

The ancient poet sat silently through the entire debate. Finally, he spoke.

“I wrote a story about grief, pride, loyalty, temptation, home, forgiveness, and mankind’s extraordinary talent for catastrophically bad decisions.”

He looked toward the filmmakers. “You certainly remembered the ships.” Then he smiled, faintly. “To be fair, they are very good ships.” A rare instance of an epic poet out-punning his own epic.

Olympus Declares the Film Worth the Ticket Price

The gods ultimately agreed the film deserved to exist.

“It is spectacular,” announced Zeus.
“It is beautiful,” added Athena.
“It is loud,” muttered Poseidon.
“It is profitable,” observed Hades.
“It is almost tragic enough,” Homer concluded, over the noise of the exit doors.

BAFTA is reportedly considering a new category: Best Achievement in Spending Enough Money That Even the Greek Gods Feel Obliged to Leave a Trip Advisor Review.

Readers after the brasher, sun-drenched American cut of this story — with rather less queueing and considerably more thunder — can find it over at our sister publication Bohiney.com.

Ancient Greece has survived earthquakes, invasions, and several millennia of British tourists asking whether the Parthenon does a Sunday roast. It will likely survive one more visual-effects budget. The gods, for their part, have already requested a sequel, plus full script approval and, this being Britain, a formal apology about the weather in Act Two.

Disclaimer: This satirical article is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual divine film criticism, Olympian review embargoes, or BAFTA voting procedures is purely coincidental.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!

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