WESTMINSTER: Prime Minister Andy Burnham has suggested that his proposed UK–EU reset could resemble the Brexit people believed they voted for, causing immediate concern among officials who have spent a decade trying to establish what those people believed they voted for.
Downing Street is reportedly considering a revolutionary approach to negotiations: asking Britons what they wanted before explaining why Brussels will charge extra for it. The European Commission has welcomed the exercise and is understood to have prepared a catalogue of British sovereignty in twelve convenient monthly instalments, with interest payable in euros.
Andy Burnham’s Brexit Deal Comes With Assembly Instructions
The Prime Minister’s proposed arrangement has been likened to buying a wardrobe that arrives without the doors. Britain may keep its independence, provided it employs a small team of European technicians to inspect the hinges. A civil servant described the plan as ‘taking back control, then agreeing a mutually acceptable timetable for returning the remote’.
According to a wholly unscientific Prat survey conducted among commuters who were trapped on the same train, 42% wanted freedom of movement, 38% wanted lower prices and 20% wanted somebody to stop mentioning Brexit at weddings. A further passenger demanded a refund on the referendum itself.
Brussels Introduces Sovereignty on Subscription
European negotiators have allegedly unveiled a subscription plan called Sovereignty Plus. The basic package includes passport queues, ceremonial flags and permission to complain about France. A premium tier restores agricultural cooperation, educational exchanges and the right to order a sandwich without explaining the Northern Ireland protocol to the waiter.
One imagined Brussels official praised the arrangement: ‘Britain can absolutely have its cake and eat it. The cake is manufactured in Belgium, however, and delivery incurs customs administration.’ A British negotiator reportedly responded by setting up a working group on the definition of cake.
Ten Years of Brexit, Still No Instruction Manual
The latest talks come ahead of another UK–EU summit, where the two sides hope to settle questions that have outlived several governments, countless newspaper columns and at least one generation of children who now regard Brussels as a place adults go to argue about cheese.
A retired electrician in Kent offered a more efficient trade deal: ‘Let people sell things to each other and stop asking for forty-seven documents to prove a sausage is a sausage.’ His proposal was immediately rejected because it contained fewer than three subcommittees.
What Happens Next for the UK–EU Reset?
Ministers insist that any agreement must respect the referendum result, the national interest and the Prime Minister’s ability to describe it as historic. Opposition parties have demanded complete details before announcing that the details are unacceptable.
The most promising development is Britain’s discovery that a relationship can be improved without staging a second wedding. Brussels says negotiations remain constructive; Westminster says they remain delicate. The public says it would settle for a passport queue moving at the same speed as the biscuit aisle in Tesco.
More from The London Prat: Read about Piddington’s independence protest and London’s electric-car charging debate.
