Funding Mechanism Due After the Election
PARIS – French socialist organisers unveiled a comprehensive immigration utopia on Monday, opening the presentation by asking anyone with an accounting qualification to leave the room and take their negative little machines with them.
“We want an atmosphere where people feel safe to dream,” said conference chairman Étienne Beaumont, watching security escort a woman outside for opening a spreadsheet. “You cannot build a compassionate society while somebody keeps asking what column it goes in.”
The woman was allowed to keep her coat. The spreadsheet was not.
French Socialist Immigration Policy Promises Unlimited Compassion
The programme promises immediate accommodation, generous public services and a welcoming community for every arrival. Its financial appendix consists of a photograph of a billionaire looking insufficiently sorry.
Beaumont said the photograph would be updated annually to reflect inflation. It has already been laminated, he added, as a precaution against evidence.
Accountant Ejected for Asking How Many School Places the Plan Requires
Trouble began when municipal accountant Claire Morel asked how many additional school places the programme required. Organisers initially welcomed her contribution, believing “places” referred to seats at the next conference. Once she mentioned teachers, classrooms and operating costs, the moderator reminded her that children were more than numbers.
“Absolutely,” Morel replied. “That is why I have budgeted for chairs.”
Her microphone stopped working shortly afterwards, apparently overwhelmed by the weight of administrative hostility. A technician said the battery was fine. The moderator said he would rather not get into the battery.
Immigration and Economic Growth: The Large Arrow Theory
The keynote presentation featured a diagram in which immigration produced economic growth, growth produced revenue, and revenue produced everything else. Between each stage was a large arrow. Asked what the arrows represented, the policy director said they represented progress.
Work Permits, Qualifications and the Poster Solution
An electrician in the audience offered to explain the qualifications process that prevented him from taking available work. Officials thanked him for his powerful testimony and assigned three communications consultants to turn it into a poster.
He said a permit would be useful. They said the poster would have excellent reach.
The electrician later pointed out that INSEE already publishes figures on immigrant employment in France, free, online, no poster required. Officials said a poster was more accessible.
What the OECD Actually Reports on Migration
The conference research desk briefly consulted the OECD’s migration policy research, then decided that separate questions about employment, integration and public services would make the keynote considerably longer. The latest edition reports that permanent migration to OECD countries fell by four percent in 2024, a finding the keynote handled by not mentioning it. The chairman requested one slide saying “Everyone Benefits,” preferably without footnotes.
Why a Moral Commitment Beats an Implementation Plan
“An implementation plan creates unnecessary opportunities for implementation to be assessed,” explained policy adviser Luc Bresson. “A moral commitment can remain successful for decades without inconveniencing a single contractor.”
The Sandwich Experiment: A Lesson in Immigration Policy Costs
Outside, Morel conducted an unauthorised demonstration using ten euros, three sandwiches and eleven hungry delegates. Delegates unanimously supported sandwiches for everyone. They then accused her of introducing scarcity by bringing only three.
One suggested nationalising the lunch table. Another proposed taxing the sandwiches before distribution. A third demanded that she stop platforming hunger through arithmetic.
The catering manager eventually offered to supply more food if somebody approved the invoice. Organisers praised this breakthrough as proof that collective pressure worked, then asked whether he could invoice the outgoing government.
A New Secretariat for the Identification of Unnecessary Bureaucracy
Further savings will come from abolishing “unnecessary bureaucracy,” a reform to be administered by a new Secretariat for the Identification of Unnecessary Bureaucracy. Recruitment begins with a director, four deputies and an external adviser on reducing headcount compassionately.
A visiting nurse asked whether the same determination might be applied to staffing her clinic. She was invited to join a listening session scheduled during her next shift.
Delegates Approve the Utopia by Acclamation as the Lights Go Out
By evening, delegates had approved the utopia by acclamation. The vote was recorded as unanimous after abstentions were reclassified as quiet enthusiasm and objections as evidence of the urgent need for education.
Beaumont called it a historic victory over the politics of limitation.
The venue then switched off the lights because the deposit had not cleared. Organisers immediately announced that darkness was a shared resource, while Morel used her calculator screen to find the exit.
Five Humorous Observations
- You know the plan has no budget when the first thing they do is throw out the one person who owns a calculator. That’s not a conference, that’s a magic show where the magician fires the guy who knows how the trick works.
- A photograph of a billionaire as your financial appendix. Sir, that’s not a funding model, that’s a mugshot with hope.
- Three sandwiches, eleven people, and they blame the woman holding the sandwiches. Every office has her. She brought food, and somehow she’s the villain of the lunch.
- They hired a whole department to find unnecessary bureaucracy. Four deputies, a director, and a consultant. I’d say the bureaucracy found them.
- The venue turned off the lights because the deposit bounced, and the organisers called darkness a shared resource. That’s the most honest thing anybody said all day. Everyone really was sharing it.
The accountant ejected from this article has asked us to confirm that he is fine, though nobody has told him where the funding is coming from. The delegates, sandwiches and secretariats are comic scenarios rather than reported events, signed off by the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. More satire news can be found just beyond the large arrow.
Caitlin Moran is a 20-year-old satirical journalist at prat.uk, where she writes with a sharp eye for British absurdity, media nonsense, and the small national humiliations that somehow become public policy. Her experience comes from producing consistently funny, readable satire tailored to the outlet’s house style, with a focus on cultural commentary, deadpan reporting, and believable comic detail. She brings a young writer’s energy to stories about modern Britain while keeping the discipline of newsroom structure, topical relevance, and audience engagement. Her expertise lies in turning everyday frustrations, elite pretensions, and institutional silliness into clean, publishable satire. As a bylined writer for prat.uk, she contributes to the site’s editorial voice with originality, consistency, and a strong sense of what makes readers laugh, wince, and keep scrolling.
