Tag: satire

Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle Social

Street Fiction

Alan Nafzger

Literary Establishment Discovers Street Fiction, Immediately Asks Whether the Street Has an MFA Publishers announce exciting new literary genre involving cities, money, danger and people who occasionally have actual problems NEW YORK — American publishing has discovered an exciting new literary genre called street fiction, in which characters live in cities, encounter crime, pursue money, fall in love, make terrible decisions and occasionally experience consequences without first spending 240 pages remembering a…

Culture Lifestyle Political Social

Spontaneous Protest Works Best When Scheduled

Alan Nafzger

London Left Discovers Spontaneous Protest Works Best When Scheduled a Fortnight in Advance Socialist Groups Reportedly Coordinate “Spontaneous” Demonstration, Finally Bringing Central Planning to Spontaneity LONDON — Political activists in the capital have reportedly achieved something economists once considered impossible: centrally planned spontaneity. Following a controversial police operation in East London, a coalition of socialist organisations promoted what was billed as an “Emergency Demonstration/Vigil.” The event carried a start time,…

International Governance Social

Red Lipstick and Expropriation

Margaret Colley

Red Lipstick and Expropriation: Berlin Discovers Socialism Has Excellent Branding Anti-capitalist mayoral candidate promises cheaper rents, €3 lunches and a bold new economic principle: your landlord may soon discover he was merely holding the building for the people Capitalism has survived depressions, revolutions, inflation, financial crises, TikTok financial advisers and approximately 47,000 podcasts explaining passive income. Now it faces something considerably more dangerous. Red lipstick. Elif Eralp, the Die Linke…

America Culture Entertainment International Social

Ed Sheeran Bends the Knee

Harriet Collins

Ed Sheeran Bends the Knee, Mob Complains He Didn’t Kneel Enthusiastically Enough The Mob Never Gives You Credit for Being a Nice Guy PHILADELPHIA — Ed Sheeran has discovered the oldest rule of dealing with an ideological mob: the first concession is never recorded as generosity. It is entered into evidence as proof that you can be persuaded to make another one. The latest installment arrived after Macklemore was removed from…

Culture Bad Taste Business Governance Health

Britain Gives Disabled People Independence

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

Britain Gives Disabled People Independence, Provided They Don’t Attempt Anything Reckless Like Leaving Britain Disabled Britons discover that freedom of movement remains fully available, subject to postcode, paperwork and somebody called Martin approving Tenerife The British social-care system has apparently developed an exciting new definition of independence: you may live independently, choose independently and make adult decisions independently, provided none of those decisions involves an airport. A Guardian investigation by Frances…

Culture Current Absurdities Relationships

London Men Shown ‘Bare Minimum’ Dating Rules

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

London Men Shown ‘Bare Minimum’ Dating Rules, Demand Treasury Costings Before Agreeing to Romance Woman Says Men Should Plan the Date, Book the Restaurant and Arrange Transport; Capital’s Bachelors Ask Whether the 73 Bus Counts as a Chauffeur London’s single men were placed on heightened financial alert Friday after discovering that the modern definition of the “bare minimum” in dating apparently includes choosing a restaurant, making a reservation, arranging transportation,…

Royals Current Absurdities History Lifestyle Social

Diana’s HRH Title Restored By Buckingham Palace

Oeko Angebot

Diana’s HRH Title Restored By Buckingham Palace, Roughly One Funeral Too Late Buckingham Palace Unveils Its Boldest Bereavement Offer Yet, Delivering Diana’s HRH Title Two Decades Behind Every Reasonable Schedule LONDON — Buckingham Palace has apparently pioneered an entirely new category of customer service: the sympathy upgrade, delivered exclusively to people who can no longer benefit from it. According to a new memoir by Earl Spencer, Queen Elizabeth II offered to…

Royals Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Britain Prepares for Horrifying Possibility

Siobhan O’Donnell

Britain Prepares for Horrifying Possibility of Children Becoming People William Could Strip Sussex Titles as King, Monarchy Announces Revolutionary New Concept: Benefits May Depend on Showing Up for Work Buckingham Palace confirmed this week that senior royal aides are quietly bracing the nation for an outcome so unsettling that grief counselors have reportedly been placed on standby: Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet may, one day, simply become people. Ordinary ones.…

Culture Bad Taste Current Absurdities Governance Lifestyle

Trans Woman Follows Men’s-Toilet Policy

Charlotte Whitmore

Trans Woman Follows Men’s-Toilet Policy Guidance, Britain Discovers Policy Also Comes With Eyewitness Demonstration Bathroom Culture War Reaches Logical Conclusion: Everyone Uncomfortable, Nobody Allowed to Wash Their Hands in Peace Britain’s long-running national effort to make absolutely everything more complicated has finally reached the public toilet, transforming what was once a three-minute biological errand into a seminar on statutory interpretation, personal dignity, privacy, architecture and whether anybody remembers where the…

Culture Lifestyle Relationships Technology

London Tech Executive Launches Search for Husband

Siobhan O’Donnell

London Tech Executive Launches Search for Husband, Accidentally Publishes Job Vacancy for Duke of Westminster Woman Seeks Emotionally Available, Financially Independent, Fit, Sober London Man Who Lives Nearby; Metropolitan Police Ask Public Not to Approach Extremely Rare Specimen A 29-year-old London technology executive has launched a nationwide search for a husband after publishing a list of romantic “non-negotiables” so detailed that several recruitment agencies reportedly tried to invoice her. The…

Culture News Royals Social

Harry’s New Royal Package

Vivienne Pratfall

Harry’s New Royal Package: All Crown, No Commute Prince Harry wants Archie and Lilibet to know their royal heritage, just not the rota LONDON — Prince Harry apparently wants Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet to understand their British roots, their royal heritage and the extraordinary family history into which they were born, while continuing the revolutionary parental experiment of exposing children to monarchy without requiring anybody to actually work at it.…

Culture Entertainment Social Technology

AI Industry Begins Building Arasaka

Alan Nafzger

AI Industry Promises It Won’t Create Cyberpunk 2077, Immediately Begins Building Arasaka DeepSeek Engineer Warns AI Could Produce a Cyberpunk 2077 Society, Prompting Tech Industry to Ask Whether Night City Offers Tax Incentives A DeepSeek engineer has warned that artificial intelligence could eventually produce something resembling the corporate dystopia of Cyberpunk 2077, apparently unaware that the technology industry already heard the phrase “Cyberpunk 2077 society” and immediately asked whether there…

Culture Lifestyle Political Social

Andy Burnham: Perfect Catholic Politician

Vivienne Pratfall

New York Times Discovers Perfect Catholic Politician: One Who Rarely Goes to Mass Britain finally produces a Catholic prime minister acceptable to modern political theology by cleverly minimizing the inconvenient churchgoing The New York Times has discovered what may be the perfect modern Catholic politician: British Prime Minister Andy Burnham, a man whose Catholic upbringing helped shape his political philosophy despite the minor theological inconvenience that he rarely attends Mass.…

Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle Royals

King Charles Valet Scandal

Mei Lin Chen

King Charles Valet Scandal Forces Palace To Redeploy Prince Andrew As Emergency Distraction As Charles Spencer’s memoir reopens a decades old royal scandal, Buckingham Palace goes looking for its old friend Prince Andrew Buckingham Palace communications officials were reportedly staring thoughtfully at old photographs of Prince Andrew this week after Princess Diana’s brother revived an extraordinary decades old allegation concerning King Charles and a royal valet, leaving Britain’s monarchy facing…

Culture Current Absurdities Royals

Princess Diana Asked for Mozart

Hannah Miller

Princess Diana Asked for Mozart at Her Funeral, Palace Apparently Preferred the Sound of Everyone Falling Into Line Buckingham Palace Rejects Diana’s Funeral Wish, Proving Even Your Final Request May Be Subject to Terms, Conditions and Availability Nearly three decades after Princess Diana’s funeral, Britain has discovered that even being dead may not be sufficient grounds for getting your own way at Buckingham Palace. According to Charles Spencer’s account in…

Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle Royals Social

Memory Becomes Unreliable Precisely When Memoirs Become Profitable

Roper Penberthy

King Charles Responds to Earl Spencer’s Diana Claim by Reminding Britain Memory Becomes Unreliable Precisely When Memoirs Become Profitable British Scientists Confirm Recollections Become Sharper Near Publication Date Buckingham Palace has entered Britain’s most dangerous intellectual territory — the reliability of human memory — after Earl Spencer’s forthcoming memoir, Swan Song: Diana, My Sister, revived allegations concerning King Charles and the chaotic days following Princess Diana’s death. Spencer alleges that Charles…

Family Culture News Royals

William Considers Royal Title Shake-Up

Bethan Morgan

William Reportedly Considers Royal Title Shake-Up, Family Christmas Expected to Require Name Tags Harry Worries Archie and Lilibet Could Become Ordinary Citizens, Millions of Ordinary Citizens Send Thoughts and Prayers Britain’s continuing royal-title discussion entered its natural final stage this week: grown adults debating whether two children should someday be forced to endure the humiliating social condition currently suffered by almost everybody on Earth. Prince Harry is reportedly concerned about…

Culture Political Social

Minimum Intelligence Required to Vote for ANY British Political Party

Alan Nafzger

Scientists Discover Minimum Intelligence Required to Vote for Every British Political Party Laboratory Mouse Given Increasing Quantities of Human Brain Tissue Eventually Spoils Ballot, Moves to Spain and Refuses to Discuss Politics Over Dinner Cambridge Scientists Begin Historic Political Intelligence Experiment LONDON – British scientists have announced a breakthrough in political neuroscience after determining exactly how many functioning human brain cells are required before a laboratory mouse becomes dissatisfied with…

America International News

Saudi Arabia Asks Trump for Help

Alan Nafzger

Saudi Arabia Asks Trump for Airstrikes, Gets a Limited Warranty Instead Riyadh phones Trump for military help and receives a lot of fine print Saudi Arabia and Trump have just had one of the more instructive phone calls in recent Gulf diplomacy — the kind where one side asks for airstrikes and the other side offers a very detailed apology. Somewhere between the crown prince’s second call to Trump and…

Culture Education Royals

Prince George Begins Eton

Alan Nafzger

Prince George Begins Eton, Discovers Future King Still Has to Find His Own Locker Future Monarch Reportedly Survives Latin, School Forms, and the Shocking Discovery That “Because I’m Heir to the Throne” Is Not an Accepted Excuse for Missing Geography Prince George began life at Eton College this week and reportedly encountered an institution capable of accomplishing something centuries of Parliament, constitutional lawyers, and republican campaigners have failed to achieve: treating a…

Culture Family News Royals Social

Prince William Reportedly Fuming

Alan Nafzger

Prince William Reportedly Fuming as Harry Violates Ancient Royal Rule Against Helping People Without Permission Palace moves to protect Britain’s centuries-old royal monopoly on charity after discovering former working prince continues working Reports that Prince William is “fuming” because Prince Harry appears to be behaving too much like a working royal have exposed one of Britain’s least understood constitutional principles: once you leave official royal service, you may continue being…

America Current Absurdities International

America’s Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for 2028

Alan Nafzger

America’s Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for 2028: A Very British Guide to the Yanks’ Latest Constitutional Loophole Every four years our American cousins promise the electorate a candidate who is “finally different,” and every four years he turns out to be exactly the same fellow with a new haircut and a fresh grievance. This cycle, however, Washington has genuinely surpassed itself, and it falls to us here at The London Prat…

Political Current Absurdities Social

Britain Welcomes New Prime Minister

Tinsel Vandergraph

Britain Welcomes New Prime Minister, Keeps Old Collection of National Problems Britain has a new Prime Minister arriving Monday, and with him comes the traditional national ritual: everyone agrees things will now be different, while the in-tray on the Downing Street desk remains, structurally, exactly the same in-tray it has been since roughly 2016. Only the nameplate changes. The problems, like a particularly stubborn houseguest, simply move to the next…

Political Current Absurdities Social

Unashamedly Labour

Paige Shiver

Burnham Promises “Unashamedly Labour,” Britain Quietly Hides Its Wallet Andy Burnham stood before the nation on Friday and did the single bravest thing any incoming Prime Minister can do: he admitted, out loud, in public, without a lawyer present, that he is in fact a member of the Labour Party. Britain gasped. Then Britain checked its bank balance, sighed the specific sigh of a country that has seen this film…

America Current Absurdities International

Trump Declares War on His Own Spies

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Trump Declares War on His Own Spies After Discovering the CIA Gave His Briefing a “Deep Tissue,” Demands Full Refund By The London Prat’s Man in Washington — Filing From a Bar Near the White House With a Suspiciously Good View WASHINGTON — Donald Trump has accused his own intelligence services of “deliberately massaging” his daily briefing, which is either the gravest constitutional crisis America has faced in years or…

Entertainment Culture History

Greek Gods Applaud The Odyssey

Alan Nafzger

Greek Gods Applaud Visual Effects, Ask Whether Anyone Remembered the Tragedy Olympus Hosts Advance Screening of The Odyssey at Leicester Square, Immediately Starts Queueing to Complain LEICESTER SQUARE, LONDON. The Greek gods emerged from a press screening of The Odyssey looking impressed, faintly damp, and quietly furious that Hollywood had spent several hundred million pounds recreating their family drama without so much as a courtesy email. Anyone who has studied Greek mythology at even…

Business News Technology

Google Unveils Machine That Turns Electricity Into Debt

Alan Nafzger

Google Unveils Machine That Turns Electricity Into Debt, Politely Declines to Mention This on the Balance Sheet Silicon Valley’s latest innovation converts natural gas, silicon chips and investor optimism into monthly repayments that will outlast the Second Elizabethan Age. MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA — Google has unveiled a machine so advanced it can take ordinary electricity in one end and produce investment-grade debt out the other, with no intelligence required at…

Royals Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Royal Marriage Declared Dead

Caitlin Moran

Royal Marriage Declared Dead After Princess Fails to Submit Mandatory Anniversary Emoji Celebrity Media Converts Silence Into Testimony, Privacy Into Suspicion and Personal Distress Into a Quarterly Growth Strategy LONDON — Princess Beatrice has reportedly “finally sent a message” concerning rumours about her marriage, according to a StyleCaster headline syndicated via Yahoo asking whether her relationship with Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi is “hanging by a thread.” The evidence appears to consist largely of…

Current Absurdities Relationships Social

Too Much Affection Is a Sign of Abuse

Alan Nafzger

Too Much Affection Is a Sign of Abuse Relationship Experts Warn That Flowers, Compliments and Replying Promptly May Be Early Symptoms of Having a Boyfriend LONDON — Miserable people have successfully completed their long campaign to remove the final traces of pleasure from modern romance, announcing this week that excessive affection may be a warning sign of emotional abuse and that anyone enjoying a new relationship should immediately stop, step…

International Governance News

Reform UK Plans Largest Channel Operation Since D-Day

Alan Nafzger

Reform UK Plans Largest Channel Operation Since D-Day, Labour Responds With Largest Excuse Since Last Tuesday No boats within a fortnight, forcing Labour ministers to defend the ancient constitutional principle that nothing useful should happen before the consultation ends LONDON — Reform UK has proposed launching the largest British military operation in the English Channel since the Second World War, prompting the Labour government to mobilise three cabinet committees, seven…