Tag: satire

Governance News Social Today

Burnham Blames Politicians for Youth Unemployment

Violet Woolf

Prime minister seeks urgent meeting with whoever runs the country LONDON – Andy Burnham has identified politicians as the principal cause of Britain’s youth employment difficulties and is understood to be seeking urgent access to somebody with enough political authority to do something about them. In his LADbible interview, reported by POLITICO’s London Playbook, the prime minister said: “I blame politicians first and foremost.” Downing Street immediately began establishing whether…

Political Today

Ed Davey Survives Challenge Nobody Launched

Julie de Burgh

Rebels agree something should happen, preferably after somebody else organises it LONDON – Ed Davey’s position as Liberal Democrat leader has survived an anticipated confrontation after colleagues found out a leadership challenge needs somebody to challenge the leadership. The party’s internal temperature briefly rose to the level of a moderately disappointing cup of tea before returning to its usual setting of concerned room temperature. Lib Dem leadership crisis: what happened…

Governance

Stamp Duty Harder Than Heaven, Kensington Buyer Tells HMRC

Fiona MacLeod

The Taxpayer’s Perspective: One Kensington Purchase, Two Surcharges and a Camel Looking for a Refund WESTMINSTER, LONDON: A new theological dispute has erupted at HM Revenue and Customs after an overseas investor purchasing a Kensington property complained that stamp duty presented a greater challenge than the camel-and-needle test in Matthew 19:24. The purchaser, Alexander Sterling, offered £12 million for a house with seven bedrooms, two kitchens and a reception room…

Governance

Civil Service Pay: Boss Who Arrived at 4:48 Wins Same Award

Harriet Collins

The Civil Servant’s Perspective: The Last Shall Be First, Especially if They Have a Reserved Parking Space WHITEHALL, LONDON: Senior civil servants have welcomed an innovative interpretation of Matthew 20:1-16 under which employees arriving at five o’clock may receive the same reward as those who have worked since dawn. The discovery emerged during a departmental seminar on fairness, productivity and the importance of delivering more public services with fewer resources.…

Governance

First Stone Permits Could Close Parliament Until 2097

Carys Evans

The Investigator’s Perspective: Britain’s Political Standards Crisis Meets the World’s Most Exhausting Biblical Background Check WESTMINSTER, LONDON: Parliamentary officials have received an extraordinary proposal requiring every MP to certify personal moral perfection before publicly criticising another politician. The proposal follows renewed interest in John 8:7, which warns against people condemning others while ignoring their own wrongdoing. Sir Geoffrey Bellamy, chairman of the newly established Parliamentary Stone Allocation Working Group, described…

Environment

Hosepipe Ban Reaches a Greenwich Pensioner in the Rain

Yasmina Khan

The British Taxpayer’s Perspective: Genesis 6-9 Meets Thames Water and Britain’s Most Expensive Relationship With Rain GREENWICH, LONDON: A London pensioner has demanded clarification from Thames Water after discovering that she may not use her garden hose during a hosepipe ban, even when standing in the rain. Margaret Wilkins, 78, was tending her begonias when she received another reminder about conserving water. She looked at the clouds, examined her damp…

Business

Luxury Developer Unveils a £40 Million Camel Needle

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

The Property Developer’s Perspective: Matthew 19:24 Meets the London Luxury Market MAYFAIR, LONDON: A luxury developer has announced plans to construct the world’s first camel-accessible needle after being informed that Jesus considered it easier for a camel to pass through a needle’s eye than for a rich person to enter heaven. The project, on a site behind Berkeley Square, promises a stainless-steel needle 80 feet high, a landscaped camel approach…