Men Declare Themselves Experts on Female Anatomy
Institute Tells Women to Stop Contradicting Them
LONDON, October 22, 2026 — The international medical community was thrown into confusion this week after an online collection revealed that numerous men had developed a thorough understanding of the female reproductive system without studying medicine, consulting a gynaecologist or, apparently, paying attention during secondary school biology.
The evidence emerged in a Bored Panda collection of 62 confidently incorrect statements about female anatomy, featuring gentlemen who explained menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, hormones and women’s body hair with the certainty normally associated with an airline pilot announcing that the plane has landed. Most of these men were still somewhere over the Atlantic.
The revelations have prompted widespread calls for an International Institute of Male Biological Certainty, where men would be encouraged to explain the female body using nothing but personal opinions, automotive analogies and information acquired from a friend at the pub. The institute held its first conference this week in the function room of a pub in Clapham, between a quiz night and a retirement do.
Male Scientists Declare Women’s Body Hair an Abnormality
The controversy began when one online contributor compared women’s leg hair to cancer, establishing a medical connection overlooked by roughly 2,000 years of physicians. According to the gentleman’s reasoning, female body hair is not a natural characteristic of human beings but a serious violation of the visual standards set by shaving advertisements.
Medical professionals were surprised by the discovery. The Cleveland Clinic’s explanation of body hair says it is healthy, protects the skin and helps regulate temperature, whether or not anyone finds it attractive. The institute dismissed this on the grounds that none of its members remembered seeing arm hair on a woman in a swimsuit commercial.
“Women have hair on their heads,” explained Professor Nigel Certainty, the institute’s chairman and a man whose medical qualifications consist of owning a thermometer. “Anything else represents a failure of maintenance.”
Asked about the considerable amount of hair growing from his own ears, Certainty said male ear hair performs an essential biological function.
“It prevents us from hearing criticism.”
The Cleveland Clinic lists a different function, noting that ear and nose hair help keep germs and foreign objects out. The institute has asked the clinic to stop publishing. Researchers have since established that women have roughly the same right to grow body hair as men, although they remain considerably less likely to describe a hairy back as evidence of rugged masculinity.
Menstrual Pain Abolished by Man Who Has Never Had It
In perhaps the most significant medical breakthrough of the century, another gentleman announced that menstrual pain does not exist. The discovery is expected to save health services enormous sums by eliminating the need to treat symptoms that a man on the internet has personally decided are unnecessary.
Doctors had previously believed that menstrual cramps were associated with uterine contractions. The NHS explanation of period pain says the womb tightens during a period, that the cramps can spread to the back and thighs, and that the pain can affect daily activities. The NHS did not consult the gentleman who had already settled the matter.
“We have thousands of women reporting pain,” explained a weary female physician attending the conference.
“Yes,” replied the chairman, “but have you considered that they’re all mistaken?”
Proceedings then paused for 45 minutes after a male delegate developed a headache and required a darkened room, three painkillers and a reassuring phone call from his mother.
One comedian attending the conference wondered whether the medical profession had misunderstood male suffering. “A man catches a cold and starts discussing his funeral arrangements. His wife has severe menstrual cramps and he asks whether she couldn’t be a little more cheerful.” The institute rejected the comparison, explaining that male colds are different because men actually experience them.
Men Propose Letting Women Schedule Their Periods
Another contributor expressed confusion about the frequency of menstruation, prompting a proposal that women organise their biological functions using a calendar approved by their husbands. The system would permit menstruation only during periods of minimal inconvenience to male partners. Football matches, weddings, romantic holidays and major sporting events would automatically qualify as menstrual exclusion zones. Women wishing to menstruate over Christmas would have to apply six weeks in advance.
The institute was particularly disappointed to learn that menstrual cycles are not controlled by a switch. NHS guidance on the menstrual cycle says the average is about every 28 days, and that regular cycles of 21 to 35 days are normal.
The figures were received with considerable scepticism.
“Twenty-one to 35 days?” demanded one delegate. “Why can’t they simply agree on a number?”
A woman at the meeting explained that human biology was not negotiated by committee. This produced several minutes of stunned silence.
“If women could schedule their periods,” observed a London comedian, “there wouldn’t be one happening on a honeymoon. They’d all be booked for Monday mornings, preferably during a staff meeting nobody wanted to attend anyway.”
The institute has nevertheless proposed a mobile app through which husbands could request a postponement. It will be called Not Tonight, Biology.
Epidurals Ruled an Unfair Advantage in Childbirth
The next breakthrough concerned childbirth, where certain male commentators expressed concern that women might be receiving an unreasonable amount of medical assistance. An epidural, they argued, was an unfair advantage. The institute compared childbirth to an endurance competition and concluded that women receiving pain relief were effectively cheating. One delegate suggested medals should be awarded according to the amount of suffering involved. Another proposed that women should deliver babies without medication because previous generations had managed it.
When asked whether he would accept the same reasoning before dental surgery, the delegate became defensive.
“That’s different,” he said. “Dental surgery hurts.”
The NHS guide to pain relief in labour describes the epidural as a local anaesthetic that numbs the nerves carrying pain signals to the brain. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists states in its guidance on pain relief during labour and delivery that patients can choose their pain relief and change their minds as labour goes on. Committee members who had never given birth regarded this policy as dangerously permissive.
A male delegate suggested childbirth should be approached with greater determination and less complaining. His proposal was temporarily withdrawn after he caught his finger in a folding chair. Witnesses reported that he demanded immediate medical assistance.
Baking Bread Now Classed as a Gynaecological Risk
The institute also examined an online claim involving baker’s yeast and vaginal infections. One account described a teacher who apparently believed that handling yeast could cause a vaginal yeast infection. The claim raised serious concerns for women working in bakeries, pizza restaurants and the sourdough industry.
Under the proposed biological regulations, women would be required to wear protective clothing when approaching French bread. Female pastry chefs would need annual medical examinations. Pizza dough would be classified as a reproductive hazard, and women would be advised to avoid standing near supermarkets during bread deliveries.
The NHS page on thrush says the infection is caused by a fungus called candida, which is normally harmless, and lists antibiotics, pregnancy and a weakened immune system among the triggers. The CDC’s guidance on vulvovaginal candidiasis likewise points to Candida albicans. Neither names a loaf of bread.
“The great danger,” explained one committee member, “is that women have been baking bread for centuries without realising the consequences.”
A female baker from Walthamstow asked whether the same theory applied to men who make pizza. The committee declined to answer, citing insufficient information about men.
Tampons Moved to the Automotive Accessories Department
Perhaps the greatest source of confusion involved tampons. Several examples suggested that some men remain uncertain about their purpose, correct use and relationship to the reproductive system.
The institute’s initial report described tampons as a type of internal plumbing equipment. A second draft compared them to bottle stoppers. A third proposed that women might save money by buying them in bulk from motor factors. None of the recommendations survived consultation with a woman who had actually used one.
A committee member expressed particular confusion about why women could not simply control menstrual flow voluntarily.
“Why can’t they hold it?” he asked.
A female physician explained that menstruation is not the same as urination. The delegate appeared unconvinced.
“Can they not just push everything out in the morning?”
The physician invited him to explain why he had been unable to postpone his previous attack of diarrhoea until a more convenient occasion. The meeting was suspended.
One observer described the exchange as the first recorded occasion on which a man tried to explain the female reproductive system and accidentally made a compelling case for comprehensive sex education.
Women Compared to Used Cars as Romance Meets the Motor Trade
The institute’s relationship division then considered claims comparing women to automobiles. According to one popular argument, a woman’s romantic history can be assessed using mileage, depreciation and maintenance records. The theory assumes that women and used motor vehicles operate under similar economic principles. Its supporters have so far been unable to explain why women keep refusing to attend annual vehicle inspections.
One relationship commentator suggested that gentlemen using the automotive comparison should be required to submit their own inspection histories.
“Some of these fellows describe themselves as high-performance luxury vehicles,” she said, “when their actual relationship record resembles a 1997 Ford Escort with three failed inspections, a missing exhaust pipe and an engine that only starts when somebody else pays for the petrol.”
The institute responded that such comparisons were offensive when applied to men. Women, however, were advised to take it as a compliment to be compared to a reliable family saloon.
A proposed dating app based on vehicle history was abandoned after testers found that almost every male participant described himself as a Ferrari. Most had the emotional reliability of a lawnmower left outside in November.
Testosterone Ruled Not a Hormone Because Men Prefer It That Way
Another biological revelation came from a gentleman who reportedly asserted that women have hormones while men have testosterone. The statement showed a level of scientific confidence rarely achieved without deliberately avoiding a science textbook.
Testosterone is a hormone. The Cleveland Clinic’s testosterone guide says so in its opening sentence, adding that both the testicles and the ovaries produce it. This presented the institute with a classification problem.
The chairman proposed that male hormones be known as Strength Chemicals, while female hormones would keep their traditional designation. Under the proposal, men would never again be accused of behaving hormonally. Their emotional outbursts would instead be classed as justified expressions of masculine authority.
A woman crying during a difficult conversation would be considered emotional. A man shouting at a television because his football team missed a penalty would be considered passionate. A woman becoming irritated during menstruation would be suffering from hormonal instability. A man throwing a remote control through a window would be demonstrating leadership.
“Male hormones aren’t hormones,” declared the chairman. “They’re performance-enhancing opinions.”
Delegates enthusiastically accepted the distinction. Several became emotionally distressed when a woman pointed out that their definition was nonsense.
Women’s Breasts Allegedly Work as Dairy Dispensers
The institute also considered an internet theory suggesting that women could not remove their shirts without breast milk leaking out. This caused particular excitement among the delegates, several of whom appeared to believe that female breasts operate on the same principles as the milk dispensers in a Wetherspoons.
One asked whether removing a bra automatically activated milk production. Another wondered whether women required refrigeration overnight. A third suggested that breastfeeding mothers might benefit from small taps.
A former dairy farmer attending the meeting was invited to give an expert opinion. He explained that milk production is a physiological process associated with lactation, not an automatic consequence of exposing the chest. The delegates found this explanation suspiciously complicated.
“Perhaps,” suggested one, “women should simply keep their shirts on.”
The dairy farmer asked whether a cow stops producing milk when somebody puts a blanket over it. The question was referred to a specialist committee, which has not yet reported back.
Scientists Discover Women Can Be Fascinated With Cheese
The conference closed on its most encouraging discovery. One example in the online collection concerned advice suggesting that women could be fascinated by cheese. After an afternoon of biological confusion, romantic misunderstanding and discussion of female body hair, delegates finally met a theory that offered a practical opportunity for research.
“Cheese,” declared the chairman, “is something we understand.”
The institute immediately commissioned a study of whether cheddar, brie or mature Stilton produced the strongest romantic response. A survey of one woman found that she enjoyed cheese but was considerably less enthusiastic about the man conducting the survey. A second woman explained that being offered cheese did not amount to consent to a romantic relationship. The delegates considered this an unnecessary complication.
A third woman accepted a piece of cheddar, thanked the researcher and went home to watch television. The institute recorded this as a promising result.
Its annual report now recommends that men seeking meaningful relationships begin by offering cheese rather than unsolicited explanations of female anatomy.
Medical Profession Announces New Policy: Ask Women
Following the conference, medical authorities proposed a radical approach to understanding women’s bodies. Men would be encouraged to consult reliable medical information, ask respectful questions and accept that personal confidence does not amount to professional expertise. The proposal was considered controversial because it would require certain men to acknowledge that they might occasionally be mistaken.
The International Institute of Male Biological Certainty rejected the recommendations immediately. It announced instead an annual conference entitled Everything Women Have Been Doing Wrong With Their Bodies. Topics will include whether pregnancy can be shortened to six months, why women insist on monthly periods rather than quarterly ones, and whether shaving advertisements should replace human biology textbooks.
A final motion proposed that every woman undergo a mandatory educational course delivered by a man who had watched three online videos. The motion passed unanimously among the male delegates.
A woman then asked whether any of them knew the difference between the uterus and the urethra.
There was a long silence. Finally, the chairman cleared his throat.
“That,” he declared, “is precisely the sort of technical detail women keep introducing to make men look foolish.”
The institute subsequently issued a statement warning that female participation in discussions of female anatomy was becoming a serious obstacle to male expertise. In a closing address, the chairman offered one final piece of advice to the medical profession.
“Never let a lack of information prevent you from having a strong opinion.”
He received a standing ovation. Most of the attendees were standing because they had been sitting for six hours and their backs hurt. They immediately requested painkillers.
Twelve Observations on Men and Female Anatomy
- A woman grows three hairs on her leg and this guy wants chemotherapy. Meanwhile, he’s got enough hair growing out of his ears to knit a winter coat.
- If women could schedule their periods, there wouldn’t be a single one happening during a honeymoon, a beach holiday or a wedding. They’d all land on Monday morning, when the office is already miserable.
- A man gets a temperature of 99 degrees and starts distributing his possessions. A woman gets menstrual cramps and he tells her the pain is psychological.
- A man asks for anaesthetic to have a wisdom tooth out, then tells his wife she ought to deliver an eight-pound baby naturally. Buddy, you couldn’t deliver a pizza without complaining about the tip.
- These fellows have been dating women for twenty years and still think their girlfriends came out of the factory with a lifetime waxing guarantee.
- According to this theory, every woman who makes sourdough is one baguette away from an emergency gynaecology appointment.
- Some men think tampons work like corks in wine bottles. I’m surprised nobody’s suggested a corkscrew and letting the problem breathe for twenty minutes.
- A fellow compares women to used cars because he believes mileage determines value. His own relationship history looks like a 1997 Ford Escort with three failed inspections and a warning light that never goes off.
- Testosterone is a hormone, buddy. That’s like saying women drink beverages but men drink beer. You haven’t discovered a scientific exception. You’ve discovered a category.
- He tells his girlfriend to get her entire period over with before dinner. Next he’ll ask a pregnant woman to have the baby on Thursday because he’s got football tickets on Saturday.
- This man thinks a woman takes off her top and immediately starts producing milk. What is she, a Tesco Express? Does the bra come with a best-before date?
- We’ve spent billions developing dating apps, personality tests and compatibility algorithms. Turns out the answer was a nice piece of cheddar. Dating has finally returned to the dairy aisle, where at least you can inspect the product before committing.
Disclaimer
This article satirises online misinformation about women’s anatomy and the extraordinary confidence sometimes displayed by people who know very little about the subject. The institute, its proceedings, delegates and reported conversations are comic devices, not accounts of actual official proceedings. Medical facts are drawn from the linked healthcare authorities.
Within the newsroom legend, this story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Their greatest professional disagreement concerns whether a woman can be fascinated with cheese or whether that depends entirely on the quality of the cheese.
Source: Bored Panda, 62 Laughable Misconceptions About Female Anatomy That Men Swear By, October 2026.
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. He currently lives in Holloway, North London. Contact: [email protected]
