Dachshund Researchers Discover Garden Hole Leading Directly to Australia, Immediately Bark at Kangaroo
Sausage-shaped scientists confirm Australia really is “Down Under” and demand funding for a much larger shovel
BRISTOL, ENGLAND — A team of dachshund researchers has discovered that a hole beneath a suburban garden leads directly to Australia, finally proving that geography teachers have been keeping the exciting parts of geography secret.
The discovery was made by Professor Pickles Longbottom, a seven-year-old dachshund employed by the University of Barkshire’s Department of Advanced Sniffing. Professor Longbottom had been investigating the disappearance of a tennis ball when he located a suspicious patch of earth beside a garden shed.
According to eyewitnesses, the professor sniffed the hole, sneezed twice and began digging with the scientific determination normally associated with dogs attempting to destroy newly planted flowers.
“He disappeared at 9:14 in the morning,” said homeowner Malcolm Pudding. “At 9:17, we heard barking coming from somewhere beneath the barbecue. At 9:19, a kangaroo shouted, ‘Keep the noise down, mate.’ That’s when we realised this was bigger than a missing tennis ball.”
Report Concludes “Down Under” Is a Scientific Direction
The dachshunds published their findings in a 643-page report titled Australia: Apparently It Is Actually Down There.
The report contains paw prints, several diagrams and an important coffee stain shaped like New Zealand. Researchers concluded that Britain and Australia are connected by a narrow tunnel passing through soil, rock, lava, two underground gift shops and what appeared to be the lost property department of the planet.
To test the tunnel, the team dropped a dog biscuit into the hole. Twelve minutes later, it returned wearing a tiny cork hat and calling everyone “mate.”
“This is decisive evidence,” said Dr Sausage McWiggle, senior lecturer in Hole Studies. “Normal biscuits do not develop Australian accents unless exposed to extreme levels of Australia.”
A second experiment involved shouting, “Is anybody down there?”
Researchers received the reply: “Yes, but from our point of view, you’re down there.”
This caused a six-hour argument between the dachshunds and an Australian kangaroo named Bruce over which country was upside down. Neither side changed its opinion, although Bruce won after threatening to involve a kangaroo court.
Geographers not involved in the study would point out that the true antipode of the British Isles actually sits in the Pacific Ocean south of New Zealand rather than under Australia proper — a technicality Professor Longbottom’s team has dismissed as “the kind of thing cats worry about.”
Scientists Immediately Bark at Local Wildlife
Upon reaching the Australian end of the tunnel, Professor Longbottom encountered a kangaroo standing approximately ten feet away and minding its own business.
Longbottom immediately barked at it for seventeen straight minutes.
Researchers described this as “standard international scientific communication,” noting that the breed’s documented instincts for digging and vocal alerting date back roughly three centuries to their original job hunting badgers underground — a résumé the team considers more than sufficient preparation for confronting marsupials.
The kangaroo responded by staring at the dachshund with the expression of somebody who had just discovered a furious sausage underneath his lawn. It then hopped away, which the research team interpreted as a complete surrender.
A public-opinion survey conducted among 100 local dogs found that 94 percent supported barking at Australia, 5 percent wanted to sniff it first and 1 percent was a golden retriever who had misunderstood the question but remained extremely enthusiastic.
Government Warns Children Not to Dig Without Snacks
The British government has asked children not to begin digging their own tunnels to Australia without adult supervision, a packed lunch and permission to miss school for approximately nine years.
Officials are particularly concerned that thousands of thirteen-year-old boys may attempt to reach Sydney using garden trowels, spoons or their father’s expensive power tools.
“If you discover a tunnel beneath your garden, do not enter it,” advised government spokesman Nigel Clipboard. “Australia contains spiders large enough to attend secondary school and crocodiles that have never once respected a Keep Off the Grass sign.”
The government initially attempted to close the tunnel by placing a traffic cone over it. The cone vanished overnight and later appeared in Melbourne, where three teenagers were wearing it as a hat.
What Happens Next
Professor Longbottom has now applied for £14 million in research funding, six shovels and unlimited sausages. His next project will investigate whether flushing a rubber duck down a British toilet causes rain in New Zealand.
The missing tennis ball has still not been found.
No dachshunds were awarded university tenure during this investigation, although several are better qualified than the average committee member. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any tunnel discovered beneath your garden should be treated cautiously, especially if it starts shouting about cricket.
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. He currently lives in Holloway, North London. Contact: [email protected]
