Britain Keeps Complaining About Eton While Continuously Hiring Its Alumni
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LONDON — Britain has once again expressed deep concern about the influence of Eton College VIP on national life before checking its diary to see whether any Etonians are free to run the country next Thursday.
It is an extraordinary relationship. Britain treats Eton the way a man treats a restaurant that has poisoned him repeatedly since the Middle Ages: furious Yelp review, lengthy complaint to management, then back again for Christmas because “the dining room has tremendous history.”
There is certainly history. Eton College says it was founded by Henry VI in 1440, originally with an educational mission aimed at poor scholars. Nearly six centuries later, records show the school has produced 20 of Britain’s 58 prime ministers.
Twenty.
At some point a school stops having an alumni association and starts having a foreign policy.
Britain Demands Equality, Preferably Managed by Sebastian
The British political ritual is now well established.
First, everyone announces that the country is too dominated by privilege. Then television documentaries investigate privilege. Newspapers publish special supplements entitled “IS BRITAIN STILL RUN BY AN ELITE?” Politicians promise to smash the old-boy network. Universities hold conferences examining it. Government commissions publish 430-page reports explaining that powerful people often know other powerful people.
Then Britain needs somebody to become Foreign Secretary and a civil servant quietly asks: “Do we have Sebastian’s number?”
This is less social mobility than social boomerang. Throw the establishment away as hard as you like and eventually it comes flying back wearing cufflinks.
Eton Has Perfected Britain’s Most Valuable Qualification: Looking Like You Know
Eton’s real product may not be education at all. It may be confidence delivered at industrial scale.
An ordinary teenager asked about monetary policy says, “I don’t know anything about monetary policy.” An elite teenager has learned the more useful British response: “There are clearly significant structural questions surrounding the present monetary framework.”
Nobody knows what that means. That’s why it works. The interviewer immediately writes down LEADERSHIP MATERIAL.
It is possible that the nation’s ruling class has survived for centuries because Britain confuses certainty with competence.
A plumber who says, “I’m not sure what’s causing that leak,” loses the job. A politician who says, “Clearly, we must examine the wider strategic context,” can become Chancellor.
Same leak. Better vocabulary.
The Country Keeps Returning the Same Product
Britain’s hostility towards Eton therefore contains an exquisite contradiction.
The public complains that too many people at the top went to one extraordinarily prestigious school, while the political system keeps rewarding exactly the traits such institutions traditionally cultivate: polish, connections, institutional familiarity, confidence and the ability to say “quite” in a way that ends a conversation.
The Sutton Trust’s Elitist Britain 2019 study, produced with the Social Mobility Commission, examined how disproportionately Britain’s most influential professions were populated by people with privileged educational backgrounds, finding 39% of the elite group as a whole had been privately educated — more than five times the national rate.
Britain responded to this discovery with the traditional national emergency procedure.
Tea was made. Concern was expressed. Nothing was moved.
Eton’s Career Day Must Be Terrifying
One imagines career counselling at Eton is different from everywhere else.
At an ordinary comprehensive: “What would you like to do when you grow up?” “Maybe engineering.” “Excellent. Here are some apprenticeships.”
At Eton: “What would you like to do?” “I’m not sure.” “Prime Minister?” “Sounds exhausting.” “Foreign Secretary?” “Too much flying.” “Banking?” “Grandfather already has one.” “Journalism?” “Which newspaper?” “All of them eventually.”
There must be one boy every generation who whispers, “Actually, I’d quite like to repair refrigerators.” Three masters immediately close the curtains. “Your parents know about this?”
Even Failure Can Look Strangely Impressive
Elite Britain has also developed a magnificent trick unavailable to ordinary citizens: transforming failure into experience.
If Derek from Wolverhampton wrecks the accounts at a plumbing company, Derek may find future employment opportunities somewhat restricted. If an establishment figure wrecks something sufficiently enormous, however, the biography changes.
He didn’t fail. He “served during a challenging period.” He didn’t get something disastrously wrong. He “oversaw a complex transition.” He wasn’t thrown out. He “stepped aside to allow new leadership.”
Six months later he’s chairing a commission investigating why Britain keeps rewarding failure. The commission concludes that Britain must attract more leaders with experience.
Welcome back, Derek’s boss.
The Amazing Eton Paradox
To be fair, attending Eton obviously does not automatically make someone incompetent, villainous or destined for government. That would be as absurd as assuming everyone who attends drama school becomes Benedict Cumberbatch.
The joke is not that Etonians enter public life. The joke is Britain’s astonishment every single time they do.
After almost six centuries, Britain still behaves like a homeowner who discovers pigeons in the attic every morning. “Good heavens. How did they get there?”
There’s a hole in the roof, Britain. It’s called the recruitment system.
The Restaurant Is Taking Christmas Reservations
And so the ancient national cycle continues.
Britain will complain about privilege. Britain will denounce entrenched networks. Britain will demand leaders who understand ordinary working people. Britain will insist that politics desperately needs outsiders.
Then somebody will appear on television with perfect posture and say: “What ordinary families fundamentally require is long-term economic certainty.”
Millions of viewers will nod. Nobody will ask whether he has ever met an ordinary family without an appointment.
Somewhere near Windsor, another school year begins. The tailcoats are pressed. The Latin is conjugated. The networks quietly network.
And Britain stands outside the restaurant where it claims to have been poisoned repeatedly since 1440, studying the menu.
“This place is absolutely outrageous,” the nation says.
“Table for four?”
“Yes, please.”
“Same table?”
“Naturally.”
After all, the dining room has tremendous history.
Disclaimer: This is British satire. No Etonians were deprived of a cabinet position during its preparation, although several may already be networking for one. The founding date, the 20-prime-ministers figure and the Elitist Britain 2019 findings cited above are real; the Sebastian, Derek and refrigerator-repair material is satirical journalism, published here as satirical news for entertainment purposes only.
This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to Britain’s recurring political recruitment habits is an unfortunate triumph of observation.
Source reporting: Eton College, List of UK Prime Ministers by Education, The Sutton Trust — Elitist Britain 2019
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. He currently lives in Holloway, North London. Contact: [email protected]
