Tag: satire

Technology Business

Humans Create Intelligence Superior to Their Own, Give It Access to Email, Banking and Nuclear Research Because Convenience

Alan Nafzger

Species that hides spare key under flowerpot surprised by emerging cybersecurity concerns WASHINGTON – Humanity’s ongoing effort to create intelligence more capable than itself reached another milestone this week when society responded to warnings about powerful A.I. systems by giving them access to absolutely everything because typing passwords is annoying. The current discussion of A.I. dangers can be found here. Researchers have urged caution about connecting increasingly capable systems to…

Food

Borough Market Vendor Sells £14 Sausage Roll, Explains It Has Been ‘Curated’ Rather Than Cooked

Harriet Collins

Britain’s humblest snack receives venture capital, a provenance card and a price almost eleven times that of Greggs LONDON — A Borough Market food stall has begun selling a £14 sausage roll after explaining that the product is not technically cooked but “curated”, instantly turning one of Britain’s cheapest snacks into something that requires disposable income. The roll contains pork, pastry and enough descriptive language to fill an estate agent’s…

Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle Social

Street Fiction

Alan Nafzger

Literary Establishment Discovers Street Fiction, Immediately Asks Whether the Street Has an MFA Publishers announce exciting new literary genre involving cities, money, danger and people who occasionally have actual problems NEW YORK — American publishing has discovered an exciting new literary genre called street fiction, in which characters live in cities, encounter crime, pursue money, fall in love, make terrible decisions and occasionally experience consequences without first spending 240 pages remembering a…

Royals Culture Family News

Prince William, Heir, Left Near Too Many Metaphors

Alan Nafzger

Prince William Calls Harry a ‘Rotten Apple,’ Palace Immediately Launches Inquiry Into Who Keeps Leaving the Heir Near Metaphors William Brands Harry a ‘Rotten Apple,’ Apparently Forgets They Grew on the Same Royal Family Tree LONDON — Buckingham Palace has reportedly launched an emergency review of all metaphors within fifty yards of Prince William after the Prince of Wales was linked through an unnamed source to the description of his…

Culture News Royals Social

Britain Perfects Conflict Resolution

Alan Nafzger

Britain Perfects Conflict Resolution by Standing at Opposite Ends of the Same Room Charles Spencer Explains Ancient British Technique of Making Eye Contact, Nodding Once and Immediately Becoming Fascinated by a Lamp LONDON — Britain received a badly needed reminder this week that while Americans resolve disagreements through lawsuits, podcasts and six-part documentaries, the British remain capable of settling virtually any interpersonal conflict by not going anywhere near the other person.…

Food Locations

Chelsea Brunch Spot Launches £26 Eggs Benedict, Includes Two Eggs, Half a Muffin and Full Financial Regret

Hannah Miller

Hollandaise reaches wealth-management status as breakfast quietly becomes dinner in softer trousers LONDON — A Chelsea brunch restaurant has introduced £26 eggs Benedict, allowing customers to enjoy two poached eggs, half a muffin and the unmistakable sensation that somebody has just accessed their current account. The restaurant describes the dish as “a refined interpretation of the brunch classic”. Customers describe it by taking photographs and quietly checking the bill again.…

Food Locations

London Restaurant Serves Three Peas on a Slate, Waiter Confirms Fourth Pea Available With Tasting Menu Upgrade

Siobhan O’Donnell

Fine dining discovers portion control, and diners discover that imagination is calorie-free LONDON — A fashionable London restaurant has attracted attention after serving customers three peas on a rectangular piece of slate and describing the creation as “a seasonal exploration of British greenness”. A fourth pea is available as part of the premium tasting menu. The restaurant insists diners are not paying for quantity. They are paying for imagination, which…

Culture Education Governance Lifestyle Social

French Socialism Finally Delivers Equality

Oeko Angebot

Macron Promises Students “Dialogue,” Immediately Fires Tear Gas to Open the Conversation French Socialism Finally Delivers Equality: Every Lycée Now Equally Broke, Equally Flammable PARIS — France’s classrooms have been burning, blockaded and besieged for more than a week, and the nation’s ruling class has responded with the same swift, decisive action it applies to every crisis: a meeting. Several meetings. Possibly a meeting about the meetings. Since the unrest began…

Business News Tourism

Burnham Won’t Back Heathrow Third Runway

Vivienne Pratfall

Burnham Won’t Back Heathrow Third Runway, Britain Advised to Take a Train or Bus to Singapore Prime Minister says Heathrow expansion is principally a matter for London, accidentally inspires Britain’s first intercontinental replacement-bus service LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has declined to endorse Heathrow’s proposed third runway, telling the BBC that the issue is “principally” one for London and that local voices should be heard before he takes a position. Reuters…

Culture History News Social

Drumcree Garvaghy Road Standoff

Charlotte Whitmore

Drumcree Standoff Returns After 28 Years, Northern Ireland Furious to Discover Someone Rebooted the 1990s Orange Order Parade on Garvaghy Road Reopens a 1998 Peace Process Argument, and It Only Needs 35 Marchers PORTADOWN, NORTHERN IRELAND — Residents of Northern Ireland awoke this weekend to discover somebody had apparently restored the country from a backup file dated 1998, complete with Drumcree, disputed marching routes, emergency court hearings, politicians appealing for calm…

Business Governance Social Tourism

Cure for Government-Controlled Buses

Alan Nafzger

London Discovers the Cure for Government-Controlled Buses Is More Government-Controlled Buses Sadiq Khan Creates Public Bus Company After City Hall Concludes Eight Contractors Are Seven Too Many LONDON — Mayor Sadiq Khan has unveiled Buses for London, a publicly owned operator expected to begin running Route 6 between Willesden and Victoria in late 2027. About 100 zero-emission buses are initially planned, with four more routes due to follow from 2028 before TfL evaluates whether the experiment…

Business Governance

Hillingdon Council Doubles Shop Rents

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Hillingdon Council Doubles Shop Rents, Unveils Bold Economic Plan to Replace Local Businesses With Empty Windows West Drayton discovers exciting new economic theory in which thriving shops become even more valuable once nobody can afford to operate them WEST DRAYTON, LONDON — Hillingdon Council has unveiled what appears to be Britain’s most advanced high-street regeneration strategy: spend hundreds of thousands of pounds making a shopping parade attractive, raise some rents by more…

Business Culture Governance International

More Government From Belgium

Alan Nafzger

Britain Complains Government Controls Everything, Poll Finds Solution May Be More Government From Belgium Voters Apparently Look at Britain’s Regulation, Taxes and State Intervention and Ask Whether Brussels Has Anything Available in a Larger Size LIVERPOOL, England — Britain has reportedly discovered a revolutionary cure for people who believe the country already suffers from excessive government intervention: additional government intervention, but continental. A new POLITICO/Public First poll found that 70 percent of…

Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Nationwide Queue Shortage

Alan Nafzger

Britain Announces Nationwide Queue Shortage, Forms Queue to Complain About It National Crisis Deepens After Citizens Forced to Approach Counters Immediately LONDON — Britain entered unfamiliar constitutional territory Tuesday after officials confirmed that several public buildings had temporarily run out of queues, forcing shocked citizens to walk directly to service counters without first spending 35 minutes staring at the back of another person’s coat. The Department for Public Waiting described the…

Culture Lifestyle Political Social

Spontaneous Protest Works Best When Scheduled

Alan Nafzger

London Left Discovers Spontaneous Protest Works Best When Scheduled a Fortnight in Advance Socialist Groups Reportedly Coordinate “Spontaneous” Demonstration, Finally Bringing Central Planning to Spontaneity LONDON — Political activists in the capital have reportedly achieved something economists once considered impossible: centrally planned spontaneity. Following a controversial police operation in East London, a coalition of socialist organisations promoted what was billed as an “Emergency Demonstration/Vigil.” The event carried a start time,…

International Governance Social

Red Lipstick and Expropriation

Margaret Colley

Red Lipstick and Expropriation: Berlin Discovers Socialism Has Excellent Branding Anti-capitalist mayoral candidate promises cheaper rents, €3 lunches and a bold new economic principle: your landlord may soon discover he was merely holding the building for the people Capitalism has survived depressions, revolutions, inflation, financial crises, TikTok financial advisers and approximately 47,000 podcasts explaining passive income. Now it faces something considerably more dangerous. Red lipstick. Elif Eralp, the Die Linke…

America Culture Entertainment International Social

Ed Sheeran Bends the Knee

Harriet Collins

Ed Sheeran Bends the Knee, Mob Complains He Didn’t Kneel Enthusiastically Enough The Mob Never Gives You Credit for Being a Nice Guy PHILADELPHIA — Ed Sheeran has discovered the oldest rule of dealing with an ideological mob: the first concession is never recorded as generosity. It is entered into evidence as proof that you can be persuaded to make another one. The latest installment arrived after Macklemore was removed from…

Culture Bad Taste Business Governance Health

Britain Gives Disabled People Independence

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

Britain Gives Disabled People Independence, Provided They Don’t Attempt Anything Reckless Like Leaving Britain Disabled Britons discover that freedom of movement remains fully available, subject to postcode, paperwork and somebody called Martin approving Tenerife The British social-care system has apparently developed an exciting new definition of independence: you may live independently, choose independently and make adult decisions independently, provided none of those decisions involves an airport. A Guardian investigation by Frances…

Culture Current Absurdities Relationships

London Men Shown ‘Bare Minimum’ Dating Rules

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

London Men Shown ‘Bare Minimum’ Dating Rules, Demand Treasury Costings Before Agreeing to Romance Woman Says Men Should Plan the Date, Book the Restaurant and Arrange Transport; Capital’s Bachelors Ask Whether the 73 Bus Counts as a Chauffeur London’s single men were placed on heightened financial alert Friday after discovering that the modern definition of the “bare minimum” in dating apparently includes choosing a restaurant, making a reservation, arranging transportation,…

Royals Current Absurdities History Lifestyle Social

Diana’s HRH Title Restored By Buckingham Palace

Oeko Angebot

Diana’s HRH Title Restored By Buckingham Palace, Roughly One Funeral Too Late Buckingham Palace Unveils Its Boldest Bereavement Offer Yet, Delivering Diana’s HRH Title Two Decades Behind Every Reasonable Schedule LONDON — Buckingham Palace has apparently pioneered an entirely new category of customer service: the sympathy upgrade, delivered exclusively to people who can no longer benefit from it. According to a new memoir by Earl Spencer, Queen Elizabeth II offered to…

Royals Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Britain Prepares for Horrifying Possibility

Siobhan O’Donnell

Britain Prepares for Horrifying Possibility of Children Becoming People William Could Strip Sussex Titles as King, Monarchy Announces Revolutionary New Concept: Benefits May Depend on Showing Up for Work Buckingham Palace confirmed this week that senior royal aides are quietly bracing the nation for an outcome so unsettling that grief counselors have reportedly been placed on standby: Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet may, one day, simply become people. Ordinary ones.…

Culture Bad Taste Current Absurdities Governance Lifestyle

Trans Woman Follows Men’s-Toilet Policy

Charlotte Whitmore

Trans Woman Follows Men’s-Toilet Policy Guidance, Britain Discovers Policy Also Comes With Eyewitness Demonstration Bathroom Culture War Reaches Logical Conclusion: Everyone Uncomfortable, Nobody Allowed to Wash Their Hands in Peace Britain’s long-running national effort to make absolutely everything more complicated has finally reached the public toilet, transforming what was once a three-minute biological errand into a seminar on statutory interpretation, personal dignity, privacy, architecture and whether anybody remembers where the…

Culture Lifestyle Relationships Technology

London Tech Executive Launches Search for Husband

Siobhan O’Donnell

London Tech Executive Launches Search for Husband, Accidentally Publishes Job Vacancy for Duke of Westminster Woman Seeks Emotionally Available, Financially Independent, Fit, Sober London Man Who Lives Nearby; Metropolitan Police Ask Public Not to Approach Extremely Rare Specimen A 29-year-old London technology executive has launched a nationwide search for a husband after publishing a list of romantic “non-negotiables” so detailed that several recruitment agencies reportedly tried to invoice her. The…

Culture News Royals Social

Harry’s New Royal Package

Vivienne Pratfall

Harry’s New Royal Package: All Crown, No Commute Prince Harry wants Archie and Lilibet to know their royal heritage, just not the rota LONDON — Prince Harry apparently wants Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet to understand their British roots, their royal heritage and the extraordinary family history into which they were born, while continuing the revolutionary parental experiment of exposing children to monarchy without requiring anybody to actually work at it.…

Culture Entertainment Social Technology

AI Industry Begins Building Arasaka

Alan Nafzger

AI Industry Promises It Won’t Create Cyberpunk 2077, Immediately Begins Building Arasaka DeepSeek Engineer Warns AI Could Produce a Cyberpunk 2077 Society, Prompting Tech Industry to Ask Whether Night City Offers Tax Incentives A DeepSeek engineer has warned that artificial intelligence could eventually produce something resembling the corporate dystopia of Cyberpunk 2077, apparently unaware that the technology industry already heard the phrase “Cyberpunk 2077 society” and immediately asked whether there…

Culture Lifestyle Political Social

Andy Burnham: Perfect Catholic Politician

Vivienne Pratfall

New York Times Discovers Perfect Catholic Politician: One Who Rarely Goes to Mass Britain finally produces a Catholic prime minister acceptable to modern political theology by cleverly minimizing the inconvenient churchgoing The New York Times has discovered what may be the perfect modern Catholic politician: British Prime Minister Andy Burnham, a man whose Catholic upbringing helped shape his political philosophy despite the minor theological inconvenience that he rarely attends Mass.…

Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle Royals

King Charles Valet Scandal

Mei Lin Chen

King Charles Valet Scandal Forces Palace To Redeploy Prince Andrew As Emergency Distraction As Charles Spencer’s memoir reopens a decades old royal scandal, Buckingham Palace goes looking for its old friend Prince Andrew Buckingham Palace communications officials were reportedly staring thoughtfully at old photographs of Prince Andrew this week after Princess Diana’s brother revived an extraordinary decades old allegation concerning King Charles and a royal valet, leaving Britain’s monarchy facing…

Culture Current Absurdities Royals

Princess Diana Asked for Mozart

Hannah Miller

Princess Diana Asked for Mozart at Her Funeral, Palace Apparently Preferred the Sound of Everyone Falling Into Line Buckingham Palace Rejects Diana’s Funeral Wish, Proving Even Your Final Request May Be Subject to Terms, Conditions and Availability Nearly three decades after Princess Diana’s funeral, Britain has discovered that even being dead may not be sufficient grounds for getting your own way at Buckingham Palace. According to Charles Spencer’s account in…

Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle Royals Social

Memory Becomes Unreliable Precisely When Memoirs Become Profitable

Roper Penberthy

King Charles Responds to Earl Spencer’s Diana Claim by Reminding Britain Memory Becomes Unreliable Precisely When Memoirs Become Profitable British Scientists Confirm Recollections Become Sharper Near Publication Date Buckingham Palace has entered Britain’s most dangerous intellectual territory — the reliability of human memory — after Earl Spencer’s forthcoming memoir, Swan Song: Diana, My Sister, revived allegations concerning King Charles and the chaotic days following Princess Diana’s death. Spencer alleges that Charles…

Family Culture News Royals

William Considers Royal Title Shake-Up

Bethan Morgan

William Reportedly Considers Royal Title Shake-Up, Family Christmas Expected to Require Name Tags Harry Worries Archie and Lilibet Could Become Ordinary Citizens, Millions of Ordinary Citizens Send Thoughts and Prayers Britain’s continuing royal-title discussion entered its natural final stage this week: grown adults debating whether two children should someday be forced to endure the humiliating social condition currently suffered by almost everybody on Earth. Prince Harry is reportedly concerned about…