Tag: satire

Culture Political Social

Minimum Intelligence Required to Vote for ANY British Political Party

Alan Nafzger

Scientists Discover Minimum Intelligence Required to Vote for Every British Political Party Laboratory Mouse Given Increasing Quantities of Human Brain Tissue Eventually Spoils Ballot, Moves to Spain and Refuses to Discuss Politics Over Dinner Cambridge Scientists Begin Historic Political Intelligence Experiment LONDON – British scientists have announced a breakthrough in political neuroscience after determining exactly how many functioning human brain cells are required before a laboratory mouse becomes dissatisfied with…

America International News

Saudi Arabia Asks Trump for Help

Alan Nafzger

Saudi Arabia Asks Trump for Airstrikes, Gets a Limited Warranty Instead Riyadh phones Trump for military help and receives a lot of fine print Saudi Arabia and Trump have just had one of the more instructive phone calls in recent Gulf diplomacy — the kind where one side asks for airstrikes and the other side offers a very detailed apology. Somewhere between the crown prince’s second call to Trump and…

Culture Education Royals

Prince George Begins Eton

Alan Nafzger

Prince George Begins Eton, Discovers Future King Still Has to Find His Own Locker Future Monarch Reportedly Survives Latin, School Forms, and the Shocking Discovery That “Because I’m Heir to the Throne” Is Not an Accepted Excuse for Missing Geography Prince George began life at Eton College this week and reportedly encountered an institution capable of accomplishing something centuries of Parliament, constitutional lawyers, and republican campaigners have failed to achieve: treating a…

Culture Family News Royals Social

Prince William Reportedly Fuming

Alan Nafzger

Prince William Reportedly Fuming as Harry Violates Ancient Royal Rule Against Helping People Without Permission Palace moves to protect Britain’s centuries-old royal monopoly on charity after discovering former working prince continues working Reports that Prince William is “fuming” because Prince Harry appears to be behaving too much like a working royal have exposed one of Britain’s least understood constitutional principles: once you leave official royal service, you may continue being…

America Current Absurdities International

America’s Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for 2028

Alan Nafzger

America’s Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for 2028: A Very British Guide to the Yanks’ Latest Constitutional Loophole Every four years our American cousins promise the electorate a candidate who is “finally different,” and every four years he turns out to be exactly the same fellow with a new haircut and a fresh grievance. This cycle, however, Washington has genuinely surpassed itself, and it falls to us here at The London Prat…

Political Current Absurdities Social

Britain Welcomes New Prime Minister

Tinsel Vandergraph

Britain Welcomes New Prime Minister, Keeps Old Collection of National Problems Britain has a new Prime Minister arriving Monday, and with him comes the traditional national ritual: everyone agrees things will now be different, while the in-tray on the Downing Street desk remains, structurally, exactly the same in-tray it has been since roughly 2016. Only the nameplate changes. The problems, like a particularly stubborn houseguest, simply move to the next…

Political Current Absurdities Social

Unashamedly Labour

Paige Shiver

Burnham Promises “Unashamedly Labour,” Britain Quietly Hides Its Wallet Andy Burnham stood before the nation on Friday and did the single bravest thing any incoming Prime Minister can do: he admitted, out loud, in public, without a lawyer present, that he is in fact a member of the Labour Party. Britain gasped. Then Britain checked its bank balance, sighed the specific sigh of a country that has seen this film…

America Current Absurdities International

Trump Declares War on His Own Spies

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Trump Declares War on His Own Spies After Discovering the CIA Gave His Briefing a “Deep Tissue,” Demands Full Refund By The London Prat’s Man in Washington — Filing From a Bar Near the White House With a Suspiciously Good View WASHINGTON — Donald Trump has accused his own intelligence services of “deliberately massaging” his daily briefing, which is either the gravest constitutional crisis America has faced in years or…

Entertainment Culture History

Greek Gods Applaud The Odyssey

Alan Nafzger

Greek Gods Applaud Visual Effects, Ask Whether Anyone Remembered the Tragedy Olympus Hosts Advance Screening of The Odyssey at Leicester Square, Immediately Starts Queueing to Complain LEICESTER SQUARE, LONDON. The Greek gods emerged from a press screening of The Odyssey looking impressed, faintly damp, and quietly furious that Hollywood had spent several hundred million pounds recreating their family drama without so much as a courtesy email. Anyone who has studied Greek mythology at even…

Royals Culture Family

Andrew and Fergie Finally Move Out, 30 Years After Divorce

Bethan Morgan

Couple Demonstrates That Divorce Is Not Necessarily the End of a Marriage, Particularly When Neither Party Wants to Give Up a 30-Room Mansion LONDON, ENGLAND | Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and Sarah Ferguson have finally set up separate homes three decades after their divorce, bringing an extraordinary chapter of British matrimonial history towards its natural conclusion. Divorced in 1996, Still Sharing Royal Lodge The couple divorced in 1996 but kept an unusually…

Business News Technology

Google Unveils Machine That Turns Electricity Into Debt

Alan Nafzger

Google Unveils Machine That Turns Electricity Into Debt, Politely Declines to Mention This on the Balance Sheet Silicon Valley’s latest innovation converts natural gas, silicon chips and investor optimism into monthly repayments that will outlast the Second Elizabethan Age. MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA — Google has unveiled a machine so advanced it can take ordinary electricity in one end and produce investment-grade debt out the other, with no intelligence required at…

Royals Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Royal Marriage Declared Dead

Caitlin Moran

Royal Marriage Declared Dead After Princess Fails to Submit Mandatory Anniversary Emoji Celebrity Media Converts Silence Into Testimony, Privacy Into Suspicion and Personal Distress Into a Quarterly Growth Strategy LONDON — Princess Beatrice has reportedly “finally sent a message” concerning rumours about her marriage, according to a StyleCaster headline syndicated via Yahoo asking whether her relationship with Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi is “hanging by a thread.” The evidence appears to consist largely of…

Current Absurdities Relationships Social

Too Much Affection Is a Sign of Abuse

Alan Nafzger

Too Much Affection Is a Sign of Abuse Relationship Experts Warn That Flowers, Compliments and Replying Promptly May Be Early Symptoms of Having a Boyfriend LONDON — Miserable people have successfully completed their long campaign to remove the final traces of pleasure from modern romance, announcing this week that excessive affection may be a warning sign of emotional abuse and that anyone enjoying a new relationship should immediately stop, step…

International Governance News

Reform UK Plans Largest Channel Operation Since D-Day

Alan Nafzger

Reform UK Plans Largest Channel Operation Since D-Day, Labour Responds With Largest Excuse Since Last Tuesday No boats within a fortnight, forcing Labour ministers to defend the ancient constitutional principle that nothing useful should happen before the consultation ends LONDON — Reform UK has proposed launching the largest British military operation in the English Channel since the Second World War, prompting the Labour government to mobilise three cabinet committees, seven…

Entertainment Food Health

Britain Discovers Temporal Hollowing

Alan Nafzger

Britain Discovers Temporal Hollowing, Immediately Gives Its Temples Their Own PR Firm GLP-1 Weight Loss Sparks Fleet Street Panic as Celebrities Discover Even Their Foreheads Are Expected to Maintain Volume LONDON Britain’s Latest Medical Emergency Has Arrived Above the Cheekbones A report making the rounds on British breakfast telly has drawn attention to temporal hollowing, a reduction in volume around the temples that can become noticeable after rapid weight loss.…

America Family Lifestyle

Wisconsin Socialist Cancels Thanksgiving

Alan Nafzger

Wisconsin Socialist Cancels Thanksgiving, Replaces Turkey With State-Distributed Tofu Francesca Hong Seeks to Govern Wisconsin Despite Reportedly Being Frightened by Wisconsin MADISON, Wisconsin — Wisconsin gubernatorial candidate Francesca Hong is facing criticism after a deleted 2020 social-media post resurfaced in which she called for Thanksgiving to be cancelled, described the holiday as a celebration of colonialism, and connected it to historical harm against Indigenous people. Other resurfaced remarks reportedly included…

Technology America Business

Meta Shares Tumble After Zuckerberg Promises AI Agents

Fiona MacLeod

Meta Shares Tumble After Zuckerberg Promises AI Agents Will Eventually Explain Where All the Money Went Social-media giant introduces personalised digital assistants capable of booking appointments, running businesses and reassuring investors sometime after 2034 MENLO PARK, California — According to the Financial Times report on Meta’s falling shares and Mark Zuckerberg’s vision for AI agents, investors reacted negatively after the company reported soaring costs, weaker profits and another enormously expensive technological…

Culture International News

Spain Unveils New Migration Strategy

Emily Cartwright

Spain Unveils New Migration Strategy: Return Everyone Before Brussels Has to Write Their Names Down Madrid discovers that the fastest asylum procedure is the one completed before anybody can locate the application form MADRID, SPAIN — Spain unveils an ambitious new migration policy Friday after the crisis reported by the New York Times brings roughly 60,000 migrants across the Moroccan border into Ceuta, a Spanish city of approximately 85,000 residents. The new…

Culture International

Spain Offers Amnesty to One Million Undocumented Migrants

Isabel Navarro

Spain Offers Amnesty to One Million Undocumented Migrants, Discovers the Waiting Room Has a Border Sánchez government insists Spain has not been overrun, merely become extremely popular without reservations MADRID, SPAIN — Spain’s government has rejected suggestions that the country’s migration system is overwhelmed after more than one million undocumented migrants and asylum seekers applied for regularisation, shortly before 50,000 to 60,000 people crossed from Morocco into the Spanish enclave…

America International

Iran Threatens Melania Trump

Alan Nafzger

Iran Threatens Melania Trump After Discovering Fighting the U.S. Military Is Considerably More Difficult IRGC-linked propagandists unveil a daring new battlefield doctrine: avoid aircraft carriers, ignore generals and declare war on department-store footwear WASHINGTON, D.C. — Iran’s Tasnim News Agency, an outlet widely described as affiliated with the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, has reportedly circulated a video threatening First Lady Melania Trump and her son Barron. The production discusses locations Melania allegedly…

America International Tourism

International Donors Prepare to Rebuild Gaza After Receiving Solemn Assurance the Money Is Definitely for Hotels

Alan Nafzger

International Donors Prepare to Rebuild Gaza After Receiving Solemn Assurance the Money Is Definitely for Hotels Hamas discovers that “armed resistance” has terrible reviews on TripAdvisor and may interfere with the infinity pool CAIRO, Egypt — International donors began warming up their cheque-signing hands Thursday after reports that Hamas and other Palestinian factions had accepted a framework for disarmament, or at least something that stands near disarmament at diplomatic receptions…

America International

Kamala Harris Moves to $8 Million Diversity-Free Zone

Fiona MacLeod

Kamala Harris Buys $8 Million Diversity-Free Zone, Britain Watches Politely From Across the Pond Former Vice President Discovers Inclusion Works Best With a Gate Attached By Jasmine Carter | Malibu, California, via London MALIBU, California — Former US Vice President Kamala Harris and her husband, Doug Emhoff, have purchased an $8.15 million mansion in Point Dume, according to reporting from the New York Post, prompting a great deal of very British…

America News Royals

Prince William Offers Harry Reconciliation

Lowri Griffiths

Prince William Offers Harry Reconciliation, Provided He Signs the Magna Carta of Family Group Chats Public apology, legally binding silence and restrictions on imitation royal tours reportedly form the Prince of Wales’s exciting new “Brotherhood Premium” package William’s Three Conditions for Reconciliation LONDON | A report circulating on Yahoo claims Prince William has established three conditions for reconciliation with Prince Harry: a public apology from Harry and Meghan, a legally binding agreement…

Culture Food History News

Henry VIII Finds a Proper London Pub

Alan Nafzger

Henry VIII Finally Finds a Proper London Pub Former King Declares Britain May Have Lost an Empire, Six Colonies, and the Ability to Build Railways on Time, But Thank Heaven It Never Misplaced the Local History Takes a Tea Break in a London Boozer LONDON — History took a brief tea break yesterday after Henry VIII reportedly wandered into a traditional London pub, ordered a pint without downloading an app, and…

America Governance International News

Trump Explains the Special Relationship

Hannah Miller

The Smaller Dog May Bark: Trump Explains the Special Relationship Using Furniture Bohiney.com — World Desk President Trump has once again reduced 250 years of transatlantic diplomacy to something you’d hear at a dog park, informing new British Prime Minister Andy Burnham that “the smaller dog may bark, but the larger dog controls the sofa.” Foreign policy analysts immediately began arguing about whether this counts as a threat, a compliment,…

Culture Current Absurdities Governance News

Five Officers Injured During High-Speed Pursuit

Camden Rose

Five Officers Injured During High-Speed Pursuit of Stationary London Landmark Westminster Bridge Escapes After Remaining Exactly Where Authorities Last Saw It LONDON, England — A Metropolitan Police river patrol ended dramatically after five officers were injured during what authorities have described as an unsuccessful attempt to overtake Westminster Bridge. The police vessel struck the central London landmark, throwing officers into the River Thames. Emergency services attended, and the injured officers were…

America Governance International Political

Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump

AMW

Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump Following Full Impact Assessment of Tough Words Britain Will Issue Strong Statement Once Treasury Calculates Effect on Exports, Sterling and Canapé Supply LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised to use tough words against President Donald Trump whenever necessary, but only after Whitehall completes a comprehensive assessment of whether each adjective could affect trade, defence contracts or the availability of miniature sausage…

America International Political

Burnham Vows to Stand Up to Trump

Caitlin Moran

Burnham Vows to Stand Up to Trump Whenever Britain’s Trade Agreement Permits Sitting Down Prime Minister Promises Independence Within the Approved Bilateral Seating Arrangement LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has pledged to challenge US President Donald Trump whenever Britain’s national interest requires it, provided the confrontation does not disrupt trade negotiations, defence cooperation, intelligence sharing or the special relationship’s scheduled afternoon tea. Burnham said national leaders must defend their…

Culture Health Lifestyle

Britain Issues Emergency Heat Alert

Siobhan O’Donnell

Britain Issues Emergency Heat Alert After Thermometer Reaches Temperature Known Elsewhere as Tuesday Nation Responds to 30°C by Removing Shirts, Purchasing Fans and Forgetting Vulnerable Neighbours LONDON, England — Health authorities issued yellow heat-health alerts across several English regions after temperatures threatened to reach 30°C, a reading that caused Britain to activate emergency procedures normally reserved for invasion, royal funerals and supermarket shortages of ice lollies. Officials warned that prolonged heat…

Culture Family Locations Social

Ultimate Puppy Kit Arrives in London

Caitlin Moran

The Ultimate Puppy Kit Arrives in London, Promising Everything New Owners Need Except Sleep, Skirting Boards and a Marriage That Survives Pet-industry survival bundle offers bowls, toys and training aids while quietly omitting the emergency joiner, the marriage counsellor and an industrial-strength carpet shampooer By Caitlin Moran AND Nigel Cheddington-Vole | Solihull, West Midlands The pet industry has this week unveiled the Ultimate Puppy Kit to the British market, a…