Tag: satire

Technology Science

Tech Leaders Promise A.I. Is Safe, Then Quietly Hire 4,000 People to Figure Out Whether A.I. Is Safe

AMW

Industry reassures public there is absolutely nothing to worry about, provided thousands of specialists continue worrying about it full-time SAN FRANCISCO – Technology executives assured the public this week that advanced artificial intelligence remains safe, manageable and beneficial, while simultaneously posting enough A.I. safety jobs to repopulate a medium-sized Midwestern town. The continuing debate over A.I. risks can be found here. “We are extremely confident in our systems,” said one…

Governance News

Socialism Promises Free Electricity, Power Station Requests Actual Fuel

Vivienne Pratfall

Energy minister announces electricity is now a human right, but engineers warn that turbines remain stubbornly dependent on physics rather than political enthusiasm LONDON – Britain’s theoretical socialist government has announced that electricity will become free for every household, prompting celebrations across the country and considerable confusion among the engineers responsible for generating it. Under the Universal Energy Equality Programme, every citizen will be entitled to unlimited affordable electricity, although…

Governance News

Socialist Government Makes Groceries Affordable by Making Groceries Unavailable

Alan Nafzger

Ministers celebrate historic reductions in the official price of bread, meat and milk, while supermarkets report a minor technical problem involving the continued existence of food LONDON – The government has announced a historic victory over food inflation after introducing price controls that have successfully reduced the cost of groceries consumers can no longer find. Bread is affordable. Milk is affordable. Meat is affordable. Fresh vegetables are remarkably affordable. The…

Governance News

Government Guarantees Free Healthcare, Patients Guaranteed Something to Do While Waiting

Alan Nafzger

Ministers celebrate the moral triumph of universal treatment while an elderly London patient requests the minor additional benefit of receiving treatment before his next birthday LONDON – Britain’s theoretical healthcare revolution has achieved the remarkable distinction of guaranteeing every citizen the right to medical attention while leaving millions of treatment pathways on a waiting list. Ministers insist the existence of a waiting list should not obscure the achievement of providing…

Governance News

Socialist Governments Keep Promising Paradise, Economists Keep Finding the Receipts

Alan Nafzger

From Soviet shortages to East German automobiles and Venezuela’s collapse, history repeatedly confronts central planners with the inconvenient difference between ideological ambition and economic results LONDON – An international committee of theoretical socialist officials has announced that previous economic failures should not be used to judge socialism, because genuine socialism has apparently never been attempted by anyone whose economy collapsed. The committee described this as a major breakthrough in political…

Governance News Social

Theoretical Socialism Promises Everyone Free Breakfast, Then Discovers Nobody Grew the Wheat

Alan Nafzger

Government guarantees toast, butter, eggs and coffee for every citizen, but Ministry of Breakfast admits production remains an unfortunate capitalist technicality LONDON – Theoretical socialism has solved world hunger by declaring breakfast a fundamental human right, although government officials concede that the country’s remaining farmers, bakers and chickens have not yet been told what their obligations are. Under the new Universal Breakfast Guarantee, every citizen is entitled to two slices…

Education Governance News

Socialism Guarantees Free Education, Graduates Discover Nobody Is Hiring

Alan Nafzger

Government celebrates record university enrolment while employers explain that collecting qualifications is not quite the same as creating economic opportunities LONDON – Britain’s theoretical socialist government has announced that higher education will be guaranteed to every citizen, ensuring the nation develops the world’s most highly qualified population of unemployed people. Under the Universal Academic Opportunity Programme, the government will expand university enrolment, subsidise additional qualifications and encourage citizens to stay…

Business Governance Social

Royal Mail to Cut 2,500 Jobs, Letter Explaining the Cuts Expected in Three to Five Working Days

Morag Sinclair

Royal Mail’s proposed cut of up to 2,500 head office and support roles by the end of 2027 follows a 70 per cent slump in letter volumes and a very expensive new owner LONDON – Royal Mail is cutting up to 2,500 jobs, head office and support roles, because letters have fallen over and the company would like to fall a bit less. What’s the deal with a postal service…

Business Governance Tourism

Heathrow Third Runway Slips to 2039, Ministers Hire Bankers to Explain Why the Sky Is Running Late

Lowri Griffiths

Ministers want bankers to check whether Heathrow’s £49 billion expansion is affordable, as opening day drifts from 2035 to 2039 and the paperwork asks for another moment LONDON – Ministers are lining up bankers to see if Heathrow’s £49 billion third runway is affordable, amid the suspicion that 2035 has become 2039. What’s the deal with a runway that has been late since before the people waiting for it were…

Political Governance News

Badenoch Denies Plan for a British Iron Dome After the Press Release Announces a British Iron Dome

Paige Shiver

Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch backs away from the Iron Dome label on the £10 billion Britannia Shield air defence pledge, hours after her party used it LONDON – Kemi Badenoch has denied a British Iron Dome after a Conservative press release used the words British Iron Dome. What’s the deal with denying a sentence your own people have already posted. The sentence has a URL. You can’t beckon a URL…

Political Governance

Reform Inquiry Clears Reform Advisers, Recommends Reform Look Into This Again Once Reform Has a Moment

Roper Penberthy

Reform UK’s internal investigation finds two advisers filmed in a Channel 4 undercover donations sting did nothing wrong, as the Metropolitan Police carry on with their own criminal inquiry LONDON – Reform UK inquired into Reform UK advisers caught in an undercover donations sting, and cleared them. What’s the deal with investigating yourself. You already know where you were. You were at the inquiry. What the Undercover Donations Sting Actually…

Governance Business Political

Healey Finds £1bn for Energy Bills, Bill Arrives With the Other Four and a Note About Standing Charges

Margaret Colley

Chancellor John Healey’s £1 billion energy bills package meets the standing charge, the wholesale gas market and a household balance that has never attended a lobby briefing LONDON – John Healey has found a billion to bring energy bills down, which is arriving at a restaurant with a tenner and calling it dinner. The bill is bigger than a billion. The billion is a gesture. Gestures heat a press release.…

News Governance Social

Five Arrested at the October 7 March, Chant Sheet Entered Into Evidence, Megaphone Released on Bail

Megan Amram

Arrests on suspicion of inciting racial hatred at a London pro-Palestine march held on the third anniversary of October 7, after the Metropolitan Police asked organisers to move the date LONDON – Five people were arrested at a pro-Palestine protest on the anniversary of October 7, on suspicion of inciting racial hatred, after the demonstrations went ahead despite requests to move the date. What’s the deal with holding it on…

News International Political

Burnham Says We Stand With You, Schedule Says the Counter-March Is at One, Policing Minister Says Both Are Very British

Tinsel Vandergraph

Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s October 7 anniversary statement to Britain’s Jewish community meets a London afternoon of marches, counter-marches and police cordons LONDON – Andy Burnham marked three years since October 7 by saying the country stands with its Jewish citizens, that antisemitism will be met, and that two states remain the policy. At one o’clock the schedule had a march and a counter-march. What’s the deal with standing with…

Political Culture Governance Social

Badenoch Pledges to Scrap Inheritance Tax on the Family Home, Home Asks Whether It Counts If the Children Already Live in It

Chelsea Bloom

Tory leader’s inheritance tax pledge meets the two-bed in Zone 3 where three adults already live, and nobody is brave enough to mention the spare room LONDON – Kemi Badenoch has pledged to scrap inheritance tax on the family home, and to slash levies generally, while accusing Andy Burnham of spending money we don’t have. What’s the deal with a tax you only meet when you’re dead and a politician…

Business Governance

Companies House Demands a Photo, Tens of Thousands of Directors Suddenly Remember They Left the Camera at Home

Violet Woolf

Companies House identity verification for company directors has made confirmation statements pile up overdue, and some directors have discovered they are not keen on being seen CARDIFF – Companies House asked directors for photo ID, confirmation statements went overdue, and somewhere between the camera and the form there may be tens of thousands of companies whose directors do not enjoy being seen. What’s the deal with a directorship that works…

Technology

HSBC Replaces Wealth Advisers With AI, AI Asks What a Wealth Is and Whether It Can See Some ID

Margaret Colley

HSBC’s reported plan to cut nearly 70 per cent of UK financial advisers and half its wealth management and specialist roles puts a chatbot where the relationship manager used to be LONDON – HSBC is consulting on sweeping cuts in its UK wealth business, because a model can now do the nodding. What’s the deal with replacing the person who explains your money with a program that has never had…

Governance News

Socialism Promises Higher Wages, Inflation Arrives to Collect the Difference

Alan Nafzger

Government celebrates historic pay increases while workers discover their money has gained twenty percent in quantity and lost thirty percent in purchasing power LONDON – Britain’s theoretical socialist government has announced that every worker will receive a substantial pay increase, prompting celebrations across the country and considerable enthusiasm among people who have not yet visited a supermarket. Under the National Prosperity Through Higher Numbers Programme, wages will rise, pensions will…

Food Locations

Soho Café Bans Laptops to Encourage Human Conversation, Customers Immediately Begin Staring Silently at Phones

Junglepussy

Civilisation is restored for nearly eleven seconds, until the smaller screens come out LONDON — A Soho café has banned laptops in an effort to revive traditional human conversation, prompting customers to close their computers, take out their phones and carry on avoiding one another on significantly smaller screens. Management introduced the policy after noticing that dozens of customers were buying a single coffee and then occupying tables for six…

Science Technology

Scientists Fear Superintelligence Could Manipulate Humanity, Advertising Industry Files Copyright Complaint

Alan Nafzger

Madison Avenue insists emotionally exploiting humans has been proprietary technology since somebody first sold soap NEW YORK – Researchers warning that superintelligent artificial intelligence might someday manipulate human beliefs and behavior encountered unexpected opposition this week when the advertising industry accused machines of stealing a business model perfected by humans more than a century ago. The current discussion of A.I. risks appears here. “We invented manipulating people at scale,” declared…

History Science

Could Modern Doctors Have Saved Vincent van Gogh? A Country Inn Isn’t a Trauma Unit

Cyndi Himmelstiere

A bullet no surgeon could reach, a loyal brother at the bedside and a doctor best remembered for sitting for a portrait AUVERS-SUR-OISE, FRANCE, 29 July 1890 – Vincent van Gogh died in a small attic room at the Ravoux Inn, about half past one in the morning, with his brother Theo beside him. He was thirty-seven. In just over a decade as an artist he had painted some 850…

Technology Culture

Researchers Demand Guardrails for A.I., Silicon Valley Installs Small Sign Reading ‘Please Don’t Destroy Humanity’

Roper Penberthy

Industry unveils comprehensive safety framework consisting of polite request, tasteful font and checkbox confirming machine has read community guidelines SAN FRANCISCO – Technology companies responding to calls for stronger artificial-intelligence safeguards announced a major breakthrough Tuesday: a small sign reminding advanced systems not to destroy humanity. The continuing debate over A.I. dangers appears here. The laminated sign reads: PLEASE DO NOT CAUSE CATASTROPHIC HARM. THANK YOU. Below it appears a…

Political Governance

Andy Burnham Adopts Corporate Strategy: First Prepare the Ground, Then Nationalise Whatever Is Standing on It

Vivienne Pratfall

Labour discovers nationalisation becomes considerably less alarming when introduced through phrases containing “partnership,” “strategic” and “public” LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has embraced an innovative corporate strategy in which the government first prepares the political ground, smooths it carefully, consults stakeholders, produces several diagrams and then announces that whatever happens to be standing on the ground would operate better under public control. Water, Care, Transport: Burnham’s Public Control Agenda…

Political Governance

Labour Government Perfects Pitch-Rolling: First Explain the Tax, Then Explain Why Opposing It Means You Hate Nurses

Margaret Colley

Britain enters the exciting new era of compassionate taxation, where every objection to government arithmetic can eventually be diagnosed as insufficient affection for the caring professions LONDON – The Labour government has reportedly perfected a revolutionary approach to taxation under which ministers first explain why Britain desperately needs more money, then wait several months before suggesting that anyone reluctant to provide it has developed a troubling personal hostility toward nurses.…

Political Governance

Andy Burnham Warns Britain of Difficult Choices Years in Advance, Hopes Exhaustion Will Eventually Resemble Consent

Siobhan O’Donnell

Government launches marathon national conversation in which voters may eventually agree simply because everyone would like to discuss something else LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has warned Britain that difficult choices lie ahead, launching what officials describe as an ambitious multiyear programme to determine exactly how long voters must hear about an unpopular policy before opposition becomes medically indistinguishable from fatigue. The Five Stages of Government Pitch-Rolling Researchers have…

Political Governance

Burnham Unveils Bold 2030 Reforms, Confident Someone Else Can Be Blamed by Then

Bethan Morgan

Prime Minister discovers the safest political deadline is one located comfortably beyond the point where everybody can remember who originally promised what LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has unveiled an ambitious programme of reforms beginning around 2030, giving Britain several years to prepare, debate, consult, reconsider, commission reports and eventually discover that responsibility has migrated somewhere else. Why 2030 Is Witness Protection for Policy It is difficult to overstate…

Political Governance

Downing Street Launches Five-Year Plan to Make Next Tax Increase Feel Like Childhood Memory

Vivienne Pratfall

Government hopes sufficiently early warnings will transform future fiscal pain into warm nostalgia involving grandparents, school holidays and vaguely remembered Treasury consultations LONDON – Downing Street has unveiled a pioneering five-year programme designed to announce future tax increases so far in advance that citizens will eventually remember them with the hazy affection normally reserved for childhood summers. “Remember when they first mentioned the social-care levy?” “Was that before Sophie started…

Culture Entertainment Family Royals Social

Scientology’s Takeover of William and Kate

Oeko Angebot

Twelve Clues Suggest Scientology Is Circling William and Kate, Thirteenth Clue Simply Reads ‘Seriously, How Many Royal Events Is Tom Cruise At?’ Royal journalist assembles 12 pieces of evidence Scientology has reached the heirs, immediately runs out of red string LONDON — Buckingham Palace has reportedly become concerned about Prince William and Catherine’s increasingly visible association with Tom Cruise, although the actual reporting rests on an anonymous source rather than any public…

Entertainment Family Royals

Tom Cruise Says Five Nice Words About Kate Middleton

Margaret Colley

Tom Cruise Says Five Nice Words About Kate Middleton, Britain Deploys Entire Royal-Analysis Industry “William chose well” enters the national bloodstream, where ordinary compliments are immediately converted into constitutional events LONDON — Britain’s royal-commentary infrastructure was placed on heightened alert after Tom Cruise reportedly looked at Catherine, Princess of Wales, and delivered the dangerously concise verdict: “William chose well, she’s beautiful.” The remark, reported by Grazia, contained five words of matrimonial analysis,…

Technology Business

A.I. Could Threaten Civilization, Experts Warn; Civilization Relieved to Finally Have a Competent Threat

Violet Woolf

Humanity welcomes possible superintelligence after years of being endangered primarily by humans NEW YORK – Experts warning that advanced artificial intelligence could eventually threaten civilization received an unexpected response from civilization Friday: relief. “At least this threat sounds organized,” said resident Michael Dooley. The continuing discussion surrounding A.I. risks appears here. A Brief History of Humanity’s Self-Inflicted Dangers Humanity has faced countless dangers throughout history. War. Disease. Famine. Nuclear weapons.…