Elon Musk Unveils Tesla Roadster After Nine Years of Delays, Car Immediately Attempts to Escape Planet Earth Tesla’s revolutionary sports car can drive upside down, jump over trucks and reach 60 mph in about one second, but engineers admit getting it from the factory to a paying customer remains beyond the capabilities of modern science. MCGREGOR, TEXAS, October 16, 2026 — Elon Musk unveiled Tesla’s long-awaited Roadster on Thursday, showing…
Energy minister announces electricity is now a human right, but engineers warn that turbines remain stubbornly dependent on physics rather than political enthusiasm LONDON – Britain’s theoretical socialist government has announced that electricity will become free for every household, prompting celebrations across the country and considerable confusion among the engineers responsible for generating it. Under the Universal Energy Equality Programme, every citizen will be entitled to unlimited affordable electricity, although…
Millions of British Families Discover That Having a Wealthy Older Brother Is More Effective Than Having a Savings Account LONDON, ENGLAND, October 11, 2026 | King Charles III has provided about £1.5 million from private funds to cover his younger brother Andrew’s Royal Lodge restoration obligations, prompting British households to check whether the monarch is taking applications for additional siblings. Who Paid the Royal Lodge Bill: King’s Private Income, Not…
Royal Feud Expected to Run Until William Dies of Heart Attack and Stress, Tabloids Fear Harry May Eventually Run Out of Things to Apologise For Fleet Street Orders Champagne, Hires Retired Hostage Negotiator and Books the Fortieth Diana Anniversary Early LONDON — Prince William has said no again. According to a Yahoo Entertainment report, he has reportedly turned down another chance to make up with Prince Harry before the thirtieth…
Labour discovers nationalisation becomes considerably less alarming when introduced through phrases containing “partnership,” “strategic” and “public” LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has embraced an innovative corporate strategy in which the government first prepares the political ground, smooths it carefully, consults stakeholders, produces several diagrams and then announces that whatever happens to be standing on the ground would operate better under public control. Water, Care, Transport: Burnham’s Public Control Agenda…
Britain Guarantees Pensions Rise Faster Than Something Every Year, Economists Ask What Happens When We Eventually Run Out of Somethings | Nation Begins Emergency Search for New Benchmarks to Outrun
Britain Successfully Drives Out $160 Billion in Wealth, Treasury Celebrates Historic Reduction in Inequality Government congratulates itself after discovering the fastest way to redistribute billionaires is to redistribute them geographically LONDON — Britain’s long-running experiment in making wealthy people feel simultaneously essential, suspicious and heavily invoiced has achieved a significant milestone: Bloomberg reports that people representing roughly $160 billion in wealth have loosened or severed their UK ties during the past two…
Newsweek Discovers Credibility Is Apparently an Outdated Concept Newspaper Assures Readers That Changed Accounts May Mean Nothing, Accidentally Invents Legal System Based Entirely on Vibes ITHACA, NEW YORK — America’s ongoing effort to determine what happened inside a Cornell University fraternity house has received invaluable assistance from Newsweek, which has apparently discovered that one of humanity’s oldest methods for evaluating factual claims, comparing what somebody says today with what they…
Prime Minister Offers Britain ‘Less Drift and More Direction,’ Social-Care Plan Given Directions to Arrive Sometime Before 2029 | Government Promises Forward Motion While One of Its Largest Problems Waits Patiently at Platform 6
Government hopes sufficiently early warnings will transform future fiscal pain into warm nostalgia involving grandparents, school holidays and vaguely remembered Treasury consultations LONDON – Downing Street has unveiled a pioneering five-year programme designed to announce future tax increases so far in advance that citizens will eventually remember them with the hazy affection normally reserved for childhood summers. “Remember when they first mentioned the social-care levy?” “Was that before Sophie started…
Dating Expert Says Know Your Attachment Style, London Man Discovers His Is ‘Avoidant With Excellent Tube Connections’ | Relationship science collides with TfL geography
Australia Discovers Artificial Intelligence Can Hack Government Computers Simply by Knowing What Windows 95 Is Canberra confronts the terrifying possibility that the hacker understands the computer CANBERRA, Australia – Australian officials have been warned that ageing government and private-sector computer systems could be especially vulnerable to increasingly capable AI agents, creating the uncomfortable possibility that the greatest technological battle of the 21st century will be fought inside software purchased while people were…
Burnham Won’t Back Heathrow Third Runway, Britain Advised to Take a Train or Bus to Singapore Prime Minister says Heathrow expansion is principally a matter for London, accidentally inspires Britain’s first intercontinental replacement-bus service LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has declined to endorse Heathrow’s proposed third runway, telling the BBC that the issue is “principally” one for London and that local voices should be heard before he takes a position. Reuters…
Offshore Casino Leak Reveals Gambling Industry Secrets, Public Shocked House May Possess Slight Advantage | A leak of Curaçao gambling files exposes ownership and licensing secrets behind thousands of offshore betting websites
Argentina Raises Falklands Pressure at UN, Britain Checks Attic to Make Sure Islands Are Still Where It Left Them | South Atlantic dispute returns for another season with original cast and new oil subplot
Estate Agent Adds £85,000 to Cardboard Box After Discovering Missing Wall Is “Open-Plan Living” | Property brochure praises seamless indoor-outdoor design previously known to residents as exposure
New York Times Discovers Perfect Catholic Politician: One Who Rarely Goes to Mass Britain finally produces a Catholic prime minister acceptable to modern political theology by cleverly minimizing the inconvenient churchgoing The New York Times has discovered what may be the perfect modern Catholic politician: British Prime Minister Andy Burnham, a man whose Catholic upbringing helped shape his political philosophy despite the minor theological inconvenience that he rarely attends Mass.…
Harry’s New Royal Package: All Crown, No Commute Prince Harry wants Archie and Lilibet to know their royal heritage, just not the rota LONDON — Prince Harry apparently wants Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet to understand their British roots, their royal heritage and the extraordinary family history into which they were born, while continuing the revolutionary parental experiment of exposing children to monarchy without requiring anybody to actually work at it.…
Puyi Went From Emperor to Private Citizen, Historical Equivalent of Being CEO Friday and Finding Your Office Is a Starbucks Monday China’s last emperor experienced monarchy, revolution, eviction, puppet government, imprisonment, political re-education and gardening, making his résumé considerably harder to explain than the average three-year gap on LinkedIn Few people experience the embarrassment of arriving at work Monday morning and discovering that not only has their company disappeared, but…
Iceland EU Referendum Rejects Brussels for Actual Aeroplanes Brussels Promised Strategic Protection, but the Iceland EU Referendum Found Reykjavík Already Has NATO, America and a Coast Guard REYKJAVÍK, ICELAND — Iceland has declined to restart negotiations for European Union membership, dealing a humiliating setback to Brussels’ plan to become a global defence hegemon just as soon as France, Germany and Luxembourg agree on the font. The referendum was not a vote…
OpenAI Accused of Downloading Millions of Books Without Paying, Silicon Valley Calls It “Extremely Aggressive Library Membership” Authors say ChatGPT was built using pirated books, while Silicon Valley unveils revolutionary legal doctrine: if the computer reads it really, really fast, apparently nobody read it at all The latest copyright battle over artificial intelligence has arrived in federal court, where authors are asking a judge to rule that OpenAI copied books…
Arthur Laffer Warns Britain Is Taxing Itself to Death, Labour Asks Whether Death Can Be Means-Tested The American economist says the patient is flatlining. The Treasury says the patient still has assets worth seizing first. Arthur Laffer, the man who once sketched the fate of nations on a cocktail napkin, has looked across the Atlantic at the United Kingdom and delivered a diagnosis so blunt it should probably come with…
Prince Harry Plans Diana Movie, Prince William Furious Brother Has Once Again Turned Family Therapy Into a Production Deal Harry Developing Film About Princess Diana as Royal Family Discovers Even Childhood Memories May Require Intellectual-Property Lawyers Britain’s most expensive unresolved family argument has reportedly entered the television-development stage. According to a Page Six report citing the Daily Mail, Prince Harry is considering producing a television film about his late mother, Princess Diana, and…
North London Woman, 71, Dates 49-Year-Old Man, Neighbours Demand Inquiry Into Why Everybody Appears Happy Highgate romance shocks community accustomed to accepting absolutely everything except two consenting adults enjoying themselves A 71-year-old North London woman has caused widespread social confusion by dating a 49-year-old man, forcing residents of Highgate, Hampstead and Crouch End to confront one of the capital’s last remaining taboos: a mature woman having a perfectly nice time.…
Reform UK Press Ban: Journalism Discovers Borders Are Terrifying The Reform UK press ban erects a tiny frontier around Birmingham as the activist press discovers that sovereignty becomes considerably less charming when applied to the buffet BIRMINGHAM — Reform UK has triggered the latest emergency in British democracy by declining conference accreditation to a Middle East Eye journalist, briefly approving him, and then apparently deciding that the approval was an administrative mistake,…
Bayeux Tapestry Survives 950 Years of War, Invasion and Politics, Immediately Declared Too Stable to Run Britain Nearly millennium-old embroidery survives conquest, revolution, Nazis and French custody, leaving Westminster concerned it lacks necessary experience in sudden collapse Britain was thrown into an institutional crisis this week after the Bayeux Tapestry arrived at the British Museum and immediately demonstrated a level of stability considered constitutionally suspicious. The approximately 950-year-old embroidered account of the…
Andy Burnham Gives Ukraine British Missile Blueprints, Royal Mail Promises Delivery Before the Next Russian Empire Moscow threatens retaliation after Britain discovers the one export industry still functioning is extremely long-range disagreement. KYIV — Britain will help Ukraine produce long-range missiles by permitting the release of classified information about British-made components, according to Reuters reporting on Andy Burnham’s first visit to Ukraine. Britain is therefore sharing missile blueprints with Kyiv, although officials…
London Bride Discovers Wedding Guest Posed With Her Bouquet, Metropolitan Police Establish Major Floral-Crimes Unit Six months after the ceremony, an Instagram photograph reveals that a cousin briefly handled the bride’s flowers without permission, plunging west London into its gravest constitutional crisis since someone wore white to a hen party By The London Prat Social Affairs Desk LONDON — A London bride has demanded answers, accountability and possibly a public…
Bushy Comedy Review: Comedy At A Genuinely Unhurried Pace | South West London’s park-side room proves suburban calm and quality stand up needn’t be mutually exclusive
Burnham Housing Plan Begins… As Tradition Demands, With a Speech About How Big the Housing Plan Is Prat.uk Political Desk British housing policy has a well-worn four-stage lifecycle: announce the largest building programme since the war, unveil an artist’s impression, blame the planning system, and quietly revise the target after lunch. The Burnham housing plan appears determined to honour this tradition in full, beginning not with bricks, mortar or planning…
