Labour Leaders Discover The Odyssey Was a Book All Along, Demand Public Inquiry Into Missing 3,000 Years
LONDON. Senior Labour Party strategists are reportedly in a state of profound literary shock after attending the London premiere of Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey, only to be informed afterwards that the story had technically existed as a book for nearly 3,000 years before anyone thought to put Matt Damon in it.
The film, based on the ancient epic long attributed to a man named Homer and not, as several ministers assumed, a mid-tier streaming platform, premiered this week following a star-studded London photocall featuring Matt Damon, Zendaya, Tom Holland, Anne Hathaway, Robert Pattinson and Lupita Nyong’o, all of whom appeared considerably more prepared for the epic than Whitehall.
Ministers “Devastated” to Learn Printed Version Existed
According to Whitehall sources, ministers convened an emergency meeting the moment they learned the plot was not, in fact, “an original screenplay with surprising policy applications.”
“We’re devastated,” sighed one Labour adviser. “Had we known there was a printed version, we’d have banned Odysseus from returning home years ago. The immigration implications alone are enormous. Ten years unaccounted for, no paperwork, turns up in Ithaca wearing a disguise — that’s a Home Office briefing waiting to happen.”
Officials admitted they had assumed “Homer” was simply another streaming platform, possibly a Greek rival to Disney+, and were “quite disappointed” to learn otherwise.
The Wacky Antiquated Policy Wishlist, Inspired by The Odyssey
Freed from the tyranny of having read the source material earlier, Labour strategists are said to be drafting an entire policy programme lifted directly from Homer’s epic. Highlights include:
The Ten-Year Transport Review
“Ten years trying to get home? That’s exactly the sort of transport policy Britain understands,” said one minister, reportedly already briefing this as a template for rail franchise renewals.
The Siren Influencer Crackdown
“They’re clearly social media influencers,” one MP explained of the Sirens. “They lure men onto the rocks using nothing but confidence and sponsored content. We’re calling it the Online Safety Act, Odyssey Amendment.”
The Cyclops Planning Inspectorate
“We’ve spent years looking for someone capable of overseeing planning applications while seeing only one side of every argument,” officials noted. “Turns out we should have hired him years ago.”
The Penelope NHS Waiting List Benchmark
Labour insiders reportedly praised Penelope’s two-decade patience as “the ideal model for NHS waiting lists.” “If patients can wait as long as she did,” said another official, “our performance targets suddenly look heroic by comparison.”
Education Officials Regret Making Anyone Read the Actual Book
Education officials expressed regret that generations of students had been forced to read the actual text instead of simply waiting for the IMAX version.
“It would have saved everyone hundreds of pages and several essays,” one curriculum adviser noted. “Reading before the movie feels terribly inefficient, frankly a waste of a good Tuesday.”
Publishers Stunned That Books Predate Franchises
Publishers were said to be stunned by the revelation that ancient literature exists independently of blockbuster cinema, with booksellers confirming a sudden rush of customers asking whether The Iliad was “the prequel with the deleted scenes.”
At press time, Labour had reportedly announced a £40 million initiative encouraging Britons to discover that many classic novels existed before their Netflix adaptations, describing the programme as “a bold new literacy strategy, pending the trailer.” 📚🎬
This article is mid-level satire.
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