Harry and Meghan ‘Happy to Be Back,’ British Newspapers Convene Emergency Meeting to Determine Why Harry wants Archie and Lilibet to understand their British heritage, beginning with rain, queues, school uniforms and the ancient national custom of having strangers explain your family to you Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly delighted to be back in Britain, where Prince Archie, 7, and Princess Lilibet, 5, have started the new school…
Government Owns 49% of NATS, Uses Remaining 51% as Excuse Not to Fire Anyone Martin Rolfe gets one week to investigate his own organisation as Britain’s golden share continues its distinguished career as office décor LONDON — Britain responded to another national air-traffic-control collapse with the calm efficiency for which it is famous: more than 2,000 flights were cancelled, hundreds of thousands of passengers were disrupted, and the man running…
America’s Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for 2028: A Very British Guide to the Yanks’ Latest Constitutional Loophole Every four years our American cousins promise the electorate a candidate who is “finally different,” and every four years he turns out to be exactly the same fellow with a new haircut and a fresh grievance. This cycle, however, Washington has genuinely surpassed itself, and it falls to us here at The London Prat…
Britain Discovers Oil Under the North Sea, Immediately Launches Twelve-Year Consultation About Feeling Guilty Britain has once again remembered that it is, in fact, sitting on top of one of the largest oil and gas reserves in the world, and has responded in the only way it knows how: with a flurry of letters, a very earnest cross-industry coalition, and a new Prime Minister who has been in the job…
England Loses Semi-Final, Parliament Immediately Opens Inquiry Into the Rules of Football MPs Demand Answers From a Sport That Has Existed, Unchanged, Since 1863 Following England’s exit from the semi-final on penalties — a phrase now legally required by tradition to appear in every national headline — Parliament has convened an emergency inquiry into the laws of football itself, on the grounds that a game England did not invent the…
Milei’s Economic Reforms Accidentally Create World’s Most Efficient Counterattack Argentina Cuts Government Spending, England Immediately Loses Possession BUENOS AIRES. Argentina’s government claimed Thursday that President Javier Milei’s economic reforms have now achieved what decades of football coaching could not, producing a national side so ruthlessly efficient, deficit-shy, spreadsheet-driven it scored twice in the closing minutes to eliminate England from the World Cup while barely increasing public expenditure. Officials described the victory as…
London Dating Scene Announces Every First Date Now Requires Character References Hinge’s New “Friend’s Take” Feature Arrives in Britain, Promptly Mistaken for a Parliamentary Vetting Committee LONDON. Britain’s dating scene has welcomed Hinge’s new “Friend’s Take” feature, allowing friends to add testimonials to dating profiles, because apparently uploading six carefully curated photographs of yourself holding a cocktail wasn’t evidence enough of basic humanity. London Singles Immediately Form Advisory Panels London singles immediately…
Home Office Assures Public Everything Is Under Control, Immediately Opens Three More Reviews Department Confirms Confidence, Launches Immediate Investigation Into Own Confidence The Home Office has issued a statement assuring the public that the current situation is “fully under control,” a phrase that, under long-standing Whitehall tradition, is legally required to be followed within the hour by the announcement of at least three new reviews, two working groups, and one…
Londoners Abandon Yoga After Discovering Inner Peace Can Be Found Face-Down Mudlarking in Thames Mud Capital’s Hottest Mudlarking Combines Archaeology, Bureaucracy, Social Media Rivalry and the Possibility of Rat-Borne Disease LONDON, ENGLAND — Londoners searching for spiritual tranquillity, historical connection and something unusual to post before lunch have embraced mudlarking, the ancient practice of kneeling beside the Thames and examining objects that everybody else has spent two thousand years trying to lose. According…
Home Office Interrogates Newborn Royal Over Suspected Loyalty to Portuguese Sunshine Leaked Transcript Reveals Infant Repeatedly Refused to Confirm Allegiance to Rain, Queuing or the Shipping Forecast Officials say baby noises were translated using a certified infant-linguistics contractor and a great deal of professional guesswork. LONDON — The Home Office has confirmed that Princess Eugenie’s newborn daughter underwent a standard citizenship-loyalty interview within 48 hours of her birth in Lisbon,…
Algarve Expats Form Royal Support Group, Declare Newborn Princess “One of Us” British Retirees and Digital Nomads Across Portugal Claim Solidarity With Royal Baby, Citing Shared Struggles With Sunburn and NHS Withdrawal Group’s founding charter reportedly includes a clubhouse rule that no member may discuss British weather without first apologizing for bringing it up. LAGOS, PORTUGAL — Within hours of Princess Eugenie’s daughter being born in Lisbon, members of Portugal’s…
Harry and Meghan Reportedly Planning Secret Divorce, Immediately Hire Netflix Crew to Keep It Confidential Confidential separation to be filmed before a live studio audience prohibited from discussing it until the trailer drops LONDON, ENGLAND — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly considering a “secret divorce,” according to an unnamed source whose remarkable commitment to privacy required speaking to a celebrity magazine and ensuring the claim was distributed throughout…
Sarah Ferguson Eyes “Most Incredible Comeback Yet,” Frank Sinatra’s Estate Demands Royalty Payments Former duchess reportedly considers returning to Britain, repairing relations with King Charles and telling “her side” after discovering public silence cannot be monetised LONDON, ENGLAND — Sarah Ferguson is reportedly considering what one royal commentator has called her “most incredible” comeback yet, potentially involving a return to Britain, an attempt to rebuild relations with King Charles and…
EU Fines Google €890 Million, Then Googles What That Is In Normal Money Brussels discovers the only reliable way to regulate Google is to search Google for instructions. BRUSSELS, BELGIUM — The European Commission has fined Google €890 million for two breaches of the Digital Markets Act, then reportedly typed “€890 million in normal money” into Google Search before pasting the result straight into its own press release. The penalty breaks down into €460…
European Union Defends African Border by Asking France and Italy to Look Concerned Ceuta Crisis Ends After Migrants Discover Europe’s Promised Opportunity Includes No Food, Shelter or Ferry Ticket CEUTA, Spain — European leaders declared the continent’s southern frontier “firmly under control” Friday after approximately 50,000 migrants crossed from Morocco into Spain’s North African territory of Ceuta, exposing what officials described as a small, temporary weakness in the border’s land,…
Spain Offers Amnesty to One Million Undocumented Migrants, Discovers the Waiting Room Has a Border Sánchez government insists Spain has not been overrun, merely become extremely popular without reservations MADRID, SPAIN — Spain’s government has rejected suggestions that the country’s migration system is overwhelmed after more than one million undocumented migrants and asylum seekers applied for regularisation, shortly before 50,000 to 60,000 people crossed from Morocco into the Spanish enclave…
MADRID, Spain — Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez found himself increasingly isolated Saturday after roughly 50,000 migrants entered Ceuta, apparently mistaking years of progressive political language for practical travel instructions. The crisis, first detailed by Bloomberg and later confirmed in reporting from CNN and the Irish Times, has alarmed European governments that strongly support humane migration policies, particularly when implemented by another government several hundred kilometres away. Sánchez has long presented himself as Europe’s compassionate alternative…
MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA Meghan Reminds Prince Harry Financial Independence Traditionally Involves Making Money Duchess reportedly urges husband to stop treating paid employment as an embarrassing American custom A Yahoo Entertainment report about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry claims the Duchess of Sussex has become frustrated with her husband’s allegedly “snobbish” attitude toward Hollywood, believing he is allowing profitable opportunities to gallop past the mansion without even asking whether they offer dental insurance. The…
Henry VIII Returns to Britain, Immediately Booked for Open Mic Night by Desperate Comedy Promoter An eyewitness account, dictated personally by His Majesty King Henry VIII, transcribed under protest by a nervous stenographer who kept asking if this was “a bit.” I woke up on my own grave at Windsor, which I will admit is not how I pictured my triumphant return to England. I had assumed trumpets. I had…
The Smaller Dog May Bark: Trump Explains the Special Relationship Using Furniture Bohiney.com — World Desk President Trump has once again reduced 250 years of transatlantic diplomacy to something you’d hear at a dog park, informing new British Prime Minister Andy Burnham that “the smaller dog may bark, but the larger dog controls the sofa.” Foreign policy analysts immediately began arguing about whether this counts as a threat, a compliment,…
Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump Following Full Impact Assessment of Tough Words Britain Will Issue Strong Statement Once Treasury Calculates Effect on Exports, Sterling and Canapé Supply LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised to use tough words against President Donald Trump whenever necessary, but only after Whitehall completes a comprehensive assessment of whether each adjective could affect trade, defence contracts or the availability of miniature sausage…
Berlin Police Cancel Extremist’s Plans After He Brings Knife to Gunfight and Theology to Pride Parade Islamist Pride attacker discovers that German firearms law contains an unusually firm exception for charging police officers with a blade Pride Attacker Promised Paradise After Death, Receives Infernal Customer-Service Upgrade BERLIN, GERMANY: A suspected Islamist extremist accused of driving a vehicle into crowds near Berlin’s Pride celebrations, killing one person and injuring dozens, was…
London Firms Replace CVs and Dating Profiles With Weekly Mounjaro Injection Receipts New Research Suggests Weight Loss Improves Women’s Chances of Finding Work and Partners, Prompting Britain to Put Boots in Charge of Social Mobility A new economic study suggests women who lose weight using GLP-1 medications become substantially more likely to find employment or enter a relationship, confirming that modern society can recognise a woman’s intelligence, personality and professional…
Trump Persuaded to Buy Half of Manchester, but Burnham Will Keep the Soccer Clubs New Prime Minister Offers US President City-Centre Property, Two Tram Lines and Complimentary Access to the Northern Powerhouse Brochure By Lowri Griffiths | Manchester Here’s the satire, with Manchester treated as a distressed luxury asset and its football clubs hidden beneath a constitutional tea towel. ⚽🏗️🇺🇸 Burnham Persuades Trump to Purchase Half of Manchester MANCHESTER, ENGLAND…
London Escorts Group Launches Premium Service for People Too Frightened to Walk Past a Pret A Manger Alone Capital’s newest companionship package offers discretion, navigation and emergency emotional support whenever the bill arrives. London Escorts Group has launched a premium companionship service for residents who possess the financial confidence to order champagne but lack the emotional resilience to walk alone past three consecutive branches of Pret A Manger. The company…
International Community Demands Israel Stop Entrenching Gaza, Schedules Discussion Behind Several Security Barriers of Its Own Diplomats condemn Israel’s enormous earthen boundary from a fortified conference centre protected by railings, turnstiles, two metal detectors and a commissionaire named Nigel LONDON — The international community, or at least the portion of it that could get a visa appointment in time, has demanded that Israel reconsider building a miles-long earthen barrier inside…
USA News Media Declares War on Romaine After Discovering Salad Has Political Opinions By Alan Nafzger | Bohiney.com Washington, D.C. — The moment the FDA traced a cyclospora outbreak to a Taylor Farms facility, a senior producer at a major cable network reportedly sprinted through the newsroom waving a printout of a 2022 campaign contribution like it was the Zapruder film. Eyewitnesses describe colleagues weeping openly, not from sadness, but…
tactAI.uk Launches Britain’s First Artificial Intelligence It’s Capable of Saying “Perhaps Not” Before Ruining Your Life Britain’s newest artificial intelligence platform promises fewer revolutions, gentler corrections and at least three polite warnings before automating your entire department LONDON, ENGLAND | Britain has entered the global artificial intelligence race in the traditional British manner, fifteen minutes late, carrying an umbrella and quietly wondering whether everybody else might be making rather too…
Andy Burnham’s Northern Redistribution Plan: Ten Absurd Examples Exaggeration and irony, deployed at motorway speed, with a diversion via Rochdale 1. London’s Spare Money Will Be Located and Sent North Treasury investigators will search behind every sofa in Kensington, underneath every champagne bucket in Mayfair and inside the expense accounts of consultants who charged £900,000 to recommend “regional fairness.” Any recovered coins will be loaded onto HS2, meaning they should…
Andy Burnham’s Northern Redistribution Plan: Ten Absurd Examples Exaggeration and irony, deployed at motorway speed, with a diversion via Rochdale. The Financial Times has argued that Greater Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham should launch a devolution “big bang.” Under Burnham’s own interpretation of northern redistribution, this apparently means shaking Britain by the ankles until everything expensive falls out of London’s pockets and lands somewhere near the M60. Burnham has spent years telling the Lords Economic Affairs…
