Tag: The London Prat

Business Governance International News

Burnham Demands Brussels Take Responsibility

Alan Nafzger

Burnham Demands Brussels Take Responsibility for Britain’s Failing Economy, Says He Didn’t Become Prime Minister to Be Blamed for Anything Labour’s latest economic recovery plan involves handing Brussels the steering wheel, keeping Westminster’s credit card and blaming the EU when Britain crashes into another pothole. LONDON, 13 October 2026 — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced that Britain’s relationship with the European Union is no longer satisfactory, after his government…

America Current Absurdities International

America’s Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for 2028

Alan Nafzger

America’s Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for 2028: A Very British Guide to the Yanks’ Latest Constitutional Loophole Every four years our American cousins promise the electorate a candidate who is “finally different,” and every four years he turns out to be exactly the same fellow with a new haircut and a fresh grievance. This cycle, however, Washington has genuinely surpassed itself, and it falls to us here at The London Prat…

Business Current Absurdities News

Britain Discovers Oil Under the North Sea

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Britain Discovers Oil Under the North Sea, Immediately Launches Twelve-Year Consultation About Feeling Guilty Britain has once again remembered that it is, in fact, sitting on top of one of the largest oil and gas reserves in the world, and has responded in the only way it knows how: with a flurry of letters, a very earnest cross-industry coalition, and a new Prime Minister who has been in the job…

Business International Sports

Milei’s Economic Reforms Win World Cup Match

Lowri Griffiths

Milei’s Economic Reforms Accidentally Create World’s Most Efficient Counterattack Argentina Cuts Government Spending, England Immediately Loses Possession BUENOS AIRES. Argentina’s government claimed Thursday that President Javier Milei’s economic reforms have now achieved what decades of football coaching could not, producing a national side so ruthlessly efficient, deficit-shy, spreadsheet-driven it scored twice in the closing minutes to eliminate England from the World Cup while barely increasing public expenditure. Officials described the victory as…

Culture International Political Sports

Parliament Immediately Opens Inquiry Into the Rules of Football

Caitlin Moran

England Loses Semi-Final, Parliament Immediately Opens Inquiry Into the Rules of Football MPs Demand Answers From a Sport That Has Existed, Unchanged, Since 1863 Following England’s exit from the semi-final on penalties — a phrase now legally required by tradition to appear in every national headline — Parliament has convened an emergency inquiry into the laws of football itself, on the grounds that a game England did not invent the…

Technology Culture Relationships Social

London Dating Scene

Harper Thames

London Dating Scene Announces Every First Date Now Requires Character References Hinge’s New “Friend’s Take” Feature Arrives in Britain, Promptly Mistaken for a Parliamentary Vetting Committee LONDON. Britain’s dating scene has welcomed Hinge’s new “Friend’s Take” feature, allowing friends to add testimonials to dating profiles, because apparently uploading six carefully curated photographs of yourself holding a cocktail wasn’t evidence enough of basic humanity. London Singles Immediately Form Advisory Panels London singles immediately…

Culture Current Absurdities Governance Social

Everything Is Under Control

Junglepussy

Home Office Assures Public Everything Is Under Control, Immediately Opens Three More Reviews Department Confirms Confidence, Launches Immediate Investigation Into Own Confidence The Home Office has issued a statement assuring the public that the current situation is “fully under control,” a phrase that, under long-standing Whitehall tradition, is legally required to be followed within the hour by the announcement of at least three new reviews, two working groups, and one…

Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle Social

Mudlarking the Thames

Alan Nafzger

Londoners Abandon Yoga After Discovering Inner Peace Can Be Found Face-Down Mudlarking in Thames Mud Capital’s Hottest Mudlarking Combines Archaeology, Bureaucracy, Social Media Rivalry and the Possibility of Rat-Borne Disease LONDON, ENGLAND — Londoners searching for spiritual tranquillity, historical connection and something unusual to post before lunch have embraced mudlarking, the ancient practice of kneeling beside the Thames and examining objects that everybody else has spent two thousand years trying to lose. According…

America Governance International News

Trump Explains the Special Relationship

Hannah Miller

The Smaller Dog May Bark: Trump Explains the Special Relationship Using Furniture Bohiney.com — World Desk President Trump has once again reduced 250 years of transatlantic diplomacy to something you’d hear at a dog park, informing new British Prime Minister Andy Burnham that “the smaller dog may bark, but the larger dog controls the sofa.” Foreign policy analysts immediately began arguing about whether this counts as a threat, a compliment,…

Culture International Lifestyle News

Berlin Police Cancel Extremist

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

Berlin Police Cancel Extremist’s Plans After He Brings Knife to Gunfight and Theology to Pride Parade Islamist Pride attacker discovers that German firearms law contains an unusually firm exception for charging police officers with a blade Pride Attacker Promised Paradise After Death, Receives Infernal Customer-Service Upgrade BERLIN, GERMANY: A suspected Islamist extremist accused of driving a vehicle into crowds near Berlin’s Pride celebrations, killing one person and injuring dozens, was…

Business Culture Health Lifestyle Relationships

Mounjaro Injection Receipts

Judi Online

London Firms Replace CVs and Dating Profiles With Weekly Mounjaro Injection Receipts New Research Suggests Weight Loss Improves Women’s Chances of Finding Work and Partners, Prompting Britain to Put Boots in Charge of Social Mobility A new economic study suggests women who lose weight using GLP-1 medications become substantially more likely to find employment or enter a relationship, confirming that modern society can recognise a woman’s intelligence, personality and professional…

Business Culture Health Social

Teeth Whitening in London

Violet Woolf

Teeth Whitening in London Becomes Latest Luxury for Residents Who Can No Longer Afford to Smile Capital’s professionals spend hundreds whitening teeth they keep permanently clenched because of rent, commuting and £9 sandwiches By Violet Woolf AND Priya Chatterjee | London Londoners Demand Smiles Visible From France LONDON residents are reportedly abandoning the modest British smile in favour of teeth bright enough to guide aircraft into Heathrow during fog. The…

America Business Culture News

Burnham Persuades Trump to Buy Half of Manchester

Astrid Holgersson

Trump Persuaded to Buy Half of Manchester, but Burnham Will Keep the Soccer Clubs New Prime Minister Offers US President City-Centre Property, Two Tram Lines and Complimentary Access to the Northern Powerhouse Brochure By Lowri Griffiths | Manchester Here’s the satire, with Manchester treated as a distressed luxury asset and its football clubs hidden beneath a constitutional tea towel. ⚽🏗️🇺🇸 Burnham Persuades Trump to Purchase Half of Manchester MANCHESTER, ENGLAND…

Bad Taste Current Absurdities Health Lifestyle

London Escorts Group Launches Premium Service

Roper Penberthy

London Escorts Group Launches Premium Service for People Too Frightened to Walk Past a Pret A Manger Alone Capital’s newest companionship package offers discretion, navigation and emergency emotional support whenever the bill arrives. London Escorts Group has launched a premium companionship service for residents who possess the financial confidence to order champagne but lack the emotional resilience to walk alone past three consecutive branches of Pret A Manger. The company…

International Current Absurdities

International Community Demands Israel Stop Entrenching Gaza

Astrid Holgersson

International Community Demands Israel Stop Entrenching Gaza, Schedules Discussion Behind Several Security Barriers of Its Own Diplomats condemn Israel’s enormous earthen boundary from a fortified conference centre protected by railings, turnstiles, two metal detectors and a commissionaire named Nigel LONDON — The international community, or at least the portion of it that could get a visa appointment in time, has demanded that Israel reconsider building a miles-long earthen barrier inside…

Current Absurdities Technology

tactAI.uk Launches Britain’s First Artificial Intelligence Capable of “Perhaps Not” Ruining Your Life

Alan Nafzger

tactAI.uk Launches Britain’s First Artificial Intelligence It’s Capable of Saying “Perhaps Not” Before Ruining Your Life Britain’s newest artificial intelligence platform promises fewer revolutions, gentler corrections and at least three polite warnings before automating your entire department LONDON, ENGLAND | Britain has entered the global artificial intelligence race in the traditional British manner, fifteen minutes late, carrying an umbrella and quietly wondering whether everybody else might be making rather too…

Culture News Social

Andy Burnham’s Redistribution of Wealth Plan

Roper Penberthy

Andy Burnham’s Northern Redistribution Plan: Ten Absurd Examples Exaggeration and irony, deployed at motorway speed, with a diversion via Rochdale 1. London’s Spare Money Will Be Located and Sent North Treasury investigators will search behind every sofa in Kensington, underneath every champagne bucket in Mayfair and inside the expense accounts of consultants who charged £900,000 to recommend “regional fairness.” Any recovered coins will be loaded onto HS2, meaning they should…

Current Absurdities Culture Political Social

Andy Burnham’s Northern Redistribution Plan

Chelsea Bloom

Andy Burnham’s Northern Redistribution Plan: Ten Absurd Examples Exaggeration and irony, deployed at motorway speed, with a diversion via Rochdale. The Financial Times has argued that Greater Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham should launch a devolution “big bang.” Under Burnham’s own interpretation of northern redistribution, this apparently means shaking Britain by the ankles until everything expensive falls out of London’s pockets and lands somewhere near the M60. Burnham has spent years telling the Lords Economic Affairs…

Governance Culture

Britain Reforms Pensions

Aishwarya Rao

Britain Reforms Pensions by Moving Retirement Somewhere Beyond the Natural Lifespan Government promises bigger pension pots, better investment and a state pension available shortly after workers complete their final archaeological layer LONDON — Britain has begun another historic programme of pension reform after ministers discovered that retirement costs money, old people remain stubbornly alive and the national economy cannot be financed indefinitely by selling one another increasingly expensive two-bedroom flats.…

Entertainment Business Culture

Avengers: Doomsday

Asha Mwangi

Avengers: Doomsday Assembles Every Living Actor After Marvel Discovers New Characters Require Introductions Robert Downey Jr. returns as Doctor Doom, Chris Evans returns as Captain America and audiences return carrying flowcharts, medication and proof they watched 19 streaming series HOLLYWOOD — Marvel Studios has released the first full trailer for Avengers: Doomsday, confirming that Robert Downey Jr. will return as Doctor Doom, Chris Evans will return as Steve Rogers and…

Business Culture News Social

Britain’s Economic Decline

Vivienne Pratfall

How Britain’s Economic Decline Left It as Poor as Mississippi Britain combined European socialism, American debt, record immigration and Victorian infrastructure, then expressed surprise when GDP per person disappeared behind a wheelie bin. Britain has finally achieved the economic equality politicians promised. Unfortunately, the equality is with Mississippi. According to The Atlantic’s examination of Britain’s productivity collapse, British output per person now sits barely above that of America’s poorest state after nearly…

Business Culture Current Absurdities Social

Guardian CEO Pay

Yasmina Khan

Guardian CEO Pay Hits £5 Million, and Somehow That’s Everyone Else’s Fault By Freja Lindholm | London The Guardian has confirmed that their corporate bosses now earn 130 times the salary of the average worker, a statistic so alarming that Guardian executives reportedly required a full afternoon, a chauffeured car and a modest £5.06 million to properly recover from it. According to the newspaper’s own investigation, the median pay package for…

America Culture Current Absurdities Political

Andy Burnham’s Trump Tribute Act

Violet Woolf

Andy Burnham Trump Tribute Act: 15 Ways Britain’s New PM Is Rewiring Populism By the Prat.uk Political Desk Andy Burnham has denied, repeatedly and with the wounded dignity of a man accused of enjoying golf, that his premiership bears any resemblance whatsoever to Donald Trump’s. This is a reasonable position. Trump built towers. Burnham is building a second Downing Street out of a former Greggs. The two men have almost…

Royals America Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Harry Allowed to Meet King

Astrid Holgersson

Harry Allowed to Meet King After Agreeing Not to Turn Conversation Into Six-Part Documentary Palace officials confiscate one memoir manuscript, three lapel microphones and a producer disguised as a ceremonial footman LONDON — Prince Harry has reportedly been permitted to meet King Charles after passing an unusually thorough palace security inspection and signing a legally binding promise not to transform the private conversation into a six-part documentary, a twelve-episode podcast or a…

Sports Business Culture International

Spain’s Economic Miracle: A Sports Trophy

Emily Cartwright

Spain World Cup Win Exposes a Debt-Fuelled Economic Miracle When a Heavily Indebted Nation Wins the World Cup, Economists Must Ask Whether Bankruptcy Is the Ultimate Performance-Enhancing Drug Spain won the 2026 World Cup after defeating Argentina 1–0, leaving international football facing its deepest philosophical crisis since FIFA discovered that a hydration break could also contain six advertisements, a tactical lecture, and a sponsored reminder to gamble responsibly. The tournament…

Business Sports

America’s World Cup

Judi Online

America Gets Hold of the World Cup Final and Immediately Invents a £9,500 Members’ Bar NEW JERSEY — There is a very old and very British tradition of standing on a cold terrace, eating a pie of uncertain provenance, and paying a perfectly reasonable sum to watch football. Naturally, the moment the World Cup Final landed on American soil, this tradition was taken out back and shot. According to Britannica Money’s…

Culture Current Absurdities News Social

Celtexit Theatened by UK Marxists

Morag Sinclair

Celtexit: Democracy Is Sacred Until It Produces a Government That Actually Works The constitutional panic is magnificent: Reform has not won the next election, yet several politicians are already measuring Britain for four separate removal vans. Marxists Threaten to Dissolve United Kingdom Unless Failed Policies Receive Another 100 Years to Begin Working — Welcome to Celtexit Celtic progressives announce they will take their ball, their bureaucracy and several billion pounds…

News Culture International Sports

Spain Files for Bankruptcy

Alan Nafzger

Spain Files for Bankruptcy: Soccer Team Asking for Donations to Get Home Socialist Government Leaves Spanish Men’s Team Stranded in New Jersey EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY — Spain’s men’s national soccer team remained stranded Monday in a New Jersey hotel after the Spanish government filed for bankruptcy, cancelled the squad’s return flight and suggested the newly crowned champions “explore community-based transportation solutions.” The announcement came less than twenty-four hours after…

Royals Culture News Social

Royal PDA Declared Acceptable

Vivienne Pratfall

Royal PDA Declared Acceptable After Experts Confirm It Costs Taxpayers Absolutely Nothing Prince and Princess of Wales Discover Affection May Be Displayed Without a Subscription Deal, Six-Part Documentary or Accompanying Memoir The Prince and Princess of Wales have caused a minor constitutional disturbance after sharing a kiss and holding hands at the Royal Charity Polo Cup, prompting experts to confirm that public affection between married people remains legal, privately funded and,…

Culture International News Sports

Bronze Comes Home

Alan Nafzger

Bronze Comes Home After Gold and Silver Make Other Arrangements As the comedian Jimmy Carr once put it about English optimism, “We don’t fear failure — we frame it.” Nowhere was that more visible than Miami Gardens, Florida, where England didn’t so much win football’s holy grail as return home clutching the runner-up’s consolation prize and insisting it was actually the good one. England Beat France 6-4 in the Most England…