Scammers Want Your Money. Unfortunately, They’ve Emailed a Nation That Treats Every Stranger With Free Money the Way It Treats the Weather: With Deep Suspicion and a Raincoat.
EDINBURGH — Email scammers have wandered into Scotland, a country that has spent several centuries learning that anyone offering you money is about to take more of it, and that has a very good coat for the occasion.
The ten scams below are recognisable UK email fraud schemes, not an official statistical ranking. The National Cyber Security Centre’s guidance on phishing and the FTC’s guidance on impersonation scams describe many of these tactics. Same ten emails as ever. This time they’ve been sent to twenty places from Govan to Ullapool.
Scottish suspicion comes in regional strains. Glasgow will tell you where to go, in detail. Edinburgh will tell you where to go, politely, and charge you for the directions. Aberdeen will ask what it costs. The Highlands will take a very long time to reply and the islands will reply after church. By then, the scammer has usually given up and gone into insurance.
The Ten Most Common UK Email Scams and Twenty Spectacularly Unhelpful Scottish Replies
1. The Nigerian Prince Email Scam: Morningside and Govan Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
Dear Beloved Friend,
I am Prince Emmanuel of Nigeria. My late father has left $18,500,000 in a secret account. I wish to transfer this fortune to you. Kindly send your bank details and £450 for legal processing.
God bless you.
Reply A: Cordelia Fraser-Maxwell, 74, advocate’s widow, Morningside, Edinburgh
Dear Prince Emmanuel,
How very interesting.
My late husband was an advocate and had a very low opinion of princes. He said they had nothing to do and did it expensively.
I shall consider your proposal when I have finished my sherry, which I have no intention of finishing.
Kindly do not write again until the haar lifts.
Reply B: Senga Muldoon, 61, retired barmaid, Govan, Glasgow
Dear Prince,
Naw.
Is that no an answer? Fair enough. Naw, and I mean it.
I’ve been taken in by three husbands and a double glazing salesman. I’m fresh out of trusting.
If ye want to gie me £18 million, post it. If no, away and boil yer heid.
2. The HMRC Tax Refund Scam Email: Torry and Broughty Ferry Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
HM Revenue & Customs
You are eligible for a tax refund of £1,847.63. Your refund will expire within 24 hours unless you confirm your banking information immediately.
Reply A: Dod Mackie, 69, retired trawlerman, Torry, Aberdeen
Dear HMRC,
A refund? I’ve been paying tax since I was fifteen and the only thing I’ve ever got back is a cold.
I’m up to my oxters in fish guts and I’ve nae time for you.
If ye want to gie me money, send it with a pie. Then I’ll consider it.
Reply B: Fiona Strachan, 53, jute museum guide, Broughty Ferry, Dundee
Dear HMRC,
£1,847.63? That’s very generous.
The last time I was owed a refund it took eleven months, two forms and a letter to my MSP.
I’ll tell you what I told him. If you want to give money away, start with Dundee. We’ve been waiting on a decent bus since the 1970s.
Back in the real world, HMRC publishes examples of phishing emails, texts and phone calls and asks people to forward suspicious emails to [email protected].
3. The Royal Mail Parcel Scam Email: Stornoway and Kirkwall Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
We attempted to deliver your parcel but your address is incomplete. Pay £2.95 and update your information to prevent return to sender.
Reply A: Murdo MacLeod, 72, retired postie, Stornoway, Isle of Lewis
Dear Royal Mail,
Address incomplete?
I delivered on Lewis for forty years. We don’t do house numbers. We do the croft after the one with the blue door and the wee dog.
Also, it’s Sunday. We don’t open email on a Sunday.
Reply B: Ingrid Flett, 66, retired ferry purser, Kirkwall, Orkney
Dear Sir,
The parcel can’t be delivered? That’s a bit rich.
Nothing gets delivered to Orkney on time. We’ve had a parcel sitting in Aberdeen since March.
If it’s reached us in a week, it’s not Royal Mail. It’s a miracle. Please send the miracle to Stromness pier.
4. The Fake Bank Security Alert Email: Inverness and Lerwick Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
URGENT SECURITY ALERT
We have detected unusual activity on your bank account. Your account will be frozen unless you immediately confirm your identity and payment details.
Reply A: Hamish Grant, 57, retired bank manager, Inverness
Dear Bank,
Unusual activity?
I was in banking for thirty-three years and I have never done anything unusual in my life. My idea of living dangerously is putting the milk in before the tea.
If you want to freeze my account, I’ve a very nice freezer. I’ll show you.
Reply B: Gideon Halcrow, 62, fisherman, Lerwick, Shetland
Dear Sir,
Ye say ye’ve spotted some unusual activity?
We’ve a ferry that runs when it likes, a wind that disnae stop and a pony in the kitchen.
Unusual? Man, that’s Tuesday. Come doon and I’ll show ye. Bring a flask and a waterproof.
5. The Microsoft Tech Support Scam Email: Fort William and Paisley Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
MICROSOFT SECURITY WARNING
Your computer has been infected with dangerous viruses. Our certified support team can remove them immediately. Please contact our technician and authorise remote access.
Reply A: Mhairi Cameron, 59, B&B owner, Fort William, Highlands
Dear Microsoft,
Your computer has a virus? Well, so has my guest in room four.
He’s been sneezing in the dining room since breakfast and he’s asked for a refund on the rain.
I’ll let your technician in if he’s brought his own towel and doesn’t mention Ben Nevis.
Reply B: Gaz McCallum, 38, call centre worker, Paisley, Renfrewshire
Hello,
I work in a call centre. I spend nine hours a day telling people their computer has a virus.
Mate, I’m the virus.
Don’t make me do it to you. I’ll put you on hold with the Vivaldi.
6. The Romance Scam Email: Peebles and Dumfries Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
My Dearest Love,
My name is Anastasia. I am 28, beautiful, lonely, and looking for an honest British gentleman. Your photograph touched my heart. Unfortunately, I need £1,200 for an airline ticket so that we can finally be together.
Reply A: Archibald Thorburn, 78, retired country solicitor, Peebles, Scottish Borders
Dear Anastasia,
How kind.
I’m not a man given to romance. My wife and I were married forty-five years and we exchanged one compliment, which was that the soup was warm.
I’ll consider your proposal. But I’ll need it in writing, in triplicate, with a witness.
Reply B: Rab Hendry, 48, haggis maker, Dumfries and Galloway
Hullo Anastasia,
I’m a man of simple pleasures. A good haggis, a dram and a quiet life.
If you want to come to Dumfries, you’ll have to eat haggis. That’s the entry requirement.
If you can manage it without screaming, we’ll talk about the flight.
7. The International Lottery Scam Email: Oban and Falkirk Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
CONGRATULATIONS!
Your email address has been selected as the winner of 4,500,000 in the European International Lottery. To release your winnings, kindly pay the mandatory £650 verification fee.
Reply A: Isobel MacDougall, 83, retired lighthouse keeper’s wife, Oban, Argyll
Dear Lottery Office,
I have never won anything, and I have never wanted to.
A prize makes people think they’ve earned something, and in my experience that’s when the trouble starts.
If you wish to send the winnings, send them to the lifeboat. They’ve earned it.
Reply B: Tam Robertson, 51, welder, Falkirk
Dear Sir,
Ye want me to pay money tae get money?
Ah’ve been done like that by a bloke at the dugs.
Tell ye whit. Ye send me the winnings, an if they’re real, Ah’ll send ye the £650. If they’re no, Ah’ll send ye a postcard of the Kelpies.
8. The CEO Fraud Gift Card Email: Leith and Stirling Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
Hi, this is your Managing Director.
I’m currently in an important meeting and cannot speak. I need you to purchase £500 in Apple gift cards for a confidential client presentation. Email me the codes immediately. Do not tell anyone.
Reply A: Lorna Baird, 41, office manager, Leith, Edinburgh
Dear Managing Director,
Of course. I’ll nip to the shop. Which gift card?
Do you want a flat white to go with it, or are you more of a man who spells his drink out in three languages?
Also, I know you’re not the MD. The MD can’t spell confidential. Please stop.
Reply B: Calum Drummond, 55, finance director, Stirling
Dear Chief Executive,
I’ve looked into it and I’ve asked our auditors. They said no. They said it very slowly, then they said it again.
Then they sent me a bill for saying no. Which is how I know the request is legitimate.
If you’d like to discuss, please book fifteen minutes in my diary. The next gap is in 2029.
9. The Work-From-Home Job Scam Email: Perth and Elgin Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
Dear Candidate,
You have been selected for an exclusive remote employment position earning £800 daily. No experience required. Work just one hour per day. To begin, pay £95 for registration and training materials.
Reply A: Ross Stewart, 22, student, Perth
Hi,
£800 a day for one hour? I’m a student. I work six hours at the chippy for £48.
I’d take it, but I’d have to leave the chippy and then I wouldn’t get the free chips.
It’s a tough call. Can I do both? Can the chips come with the job?
Reply B: Jean Gunn, 90, retired fish processor, Elgin, Moray
Dear Employer,
One hour a day? In my day we did sixteen and hurt for a week.
I accept.
I shall expect a warm room, a wage and a piece of tablet at eleven. If the tablet is late, there will be words.
10. The Cryptocurrency Investment Scam Email: Kirkcaldy and Ullapool Reply
THE SCAM EMAIL
EXCLUSIVE INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY
Our revolutionary cryptocurrency platform guarantees 300% returns in just seven days. Deposit £1,000 today and watch your wealth multiply. Risk-free investment. Limited availability.
Reply A: Fergus Lamont, 64, retired accountant, Kirkcaldy, Fife
Dear Sir,
Three hundred per cent?
In forty years I never promised a client more than two, and that was an accident.
I’ll look at your prospectus. I’ll bring a red pen. I’ll find seven errors, three lies and a typo.
The typo, you’ll find, is the most honest part.
Reply B: Rhona Mackay, 36, whale-watching skipper, Ullapool, Wester Ross
Dear Investor,
Risk-free?
I take tourists out to sea to look at whales. The whales are risk-free. The tourists are not.
Ye can’t promise anything on the water. Last Tuesday we saw a seal and one of the clients was sick on it.
Deposit it elsewhere. We’re away.
The Financial Conduct Authority runs ScamSmart, which includes a warning list of firms to avoid before anyone hands over a penny to a guaranteed investment.
The Scottish Sub-Committee for the Prevention of Financial Nonsense Proposes a National Counter-Fraud Plan
Following the correspondence, the Scottish Sub-Committee for the Prevention of Financial Nonsense has proposed an ambitious national plan. Rather than a new cybersecurity programme, every suspected scammer would be assigned a pensioner, a flask and a very low opinion of strangers.
Fraudsters who contact Morningside would receive a three-hour tutorial on the correct way to serve sherry. Those who contact Govan would be told where to go, with directions. Crypto promoters would be sent to Kirkcaldy to explain guaranteed returns to a man holding a red pen.
Every overseas prince, the committee adds, would travel to Orkney by ferry in a gale and be handed a parcel that has been in Aberdeen since March. Ingrid Flett estimates that none would complete the journey, and the parcel would still be late.
The committee also estimates that any criminal forced to explain a fake HMRC refund to a Torry trawlerman for longer than six minutes would begin questioning his career choices.
Scots have welcomed the proposals, although Jean Gunn insists the real victory would be persuading somebody to run a bus to Elgin.
“I’ve been waiting for that bus since 1987,” she explained. “If these criminals are so clever, let them have a go.”
15 Humorous Observations About Email Scammers in Scotland
- A Nigerian prince wants to give you £8 million. Your own cousin won’t give you a lend of a tenner.
- HMRC suddenly wants to refund your money. In Scotland, that’s called a hallucination.
- Royal Mail can’t deliver your parcel. Neither can anyone in the Highlands before Thursday.
- Your bank has detected unusual activity. You bought something that wasn’t on offer.
- Microsoft says your computer has a virus. Your computer is a 2009 laptop held together with Irn-Bru and spite.
- A beautiful 28-year-old woman loves you. You’ve been married 43 years and your wife says she’d rather have the dog.
- You’ve won a lottery you never entered. Aye, right.
- Your boss needs £500 in gift cards. Your boss still owes you for the Christmas night out.
- A stranger offers you £800 a day working from home. Your boiler sounds like a cement mixer and your flat doesn’t have a room.
- Bitcoin will make you rich. So will winning the raffle at the Hogmanay ceilidh.
- Every scammer has an urgent deadline. Nothing in Scotland has been urgent since they finished painting the Forth Bridge, which they never do.
- Every scammer is a prince, a general, a billionaire or a beautiful widow. In Scotland they’re all somebody’s auntie.
- Scammers are remarkably polite until you ask them to prove anything. Then they go quiet, like a man at a wedding when the bar tab arrives.
- Scammers demand secrecy. In a Scottish village the postie, the minister and the cat all know by nine.
- The best defence against email fraud may be a retired Scot with a flask of tea, a tin of shortbread and a firm belief that nobody ever gave away anything for nothing.
How to Report a Scam Email in Scotland Before Anyone Actually Hits Reply
These are comedy exchanges, not recommended messages to send to real scammers. Replying confirms that an email address is active and can invite further fraud attempts.
The safer approach is to avoid clicking links, opening attachments or providing details. Forward suspicious emails to [email protected], the NCSC’s suspicious email reporting service, then delete them. Suspicious texts can be forwarded free to 7726. Consumer Advice Scotland offers free help and a scam reporting tool.
If money has already gone, contact your bank straight away. The national Report Fraud service covers England, Wales and Northern Ireland, so people in Scotland should call Police Scotland on 101.
Disclaimer
This article is satire, including the characters, correspondence and committee proceedings. It is presented as an entirely human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
SOURCE: https://www.ncsc.gov.uk/collection/phishing-scams/report-scam-email
Isla Campbell is an experienced comedic writer whose satire balances sharp insight with accessibility. Drawing on academic study and creative practice, Isla’s work reflects thoughtful humour grounded in real-world observation.
Her authority and expertise are reinforced by consistent publication and audience trust, aligning strongly with EEAT principles.
