Why God Made the Cormorant, Then Applied to Natural England to Shoot It
Why God Made the Cormorant: The Almighty Learns That Smiting Now Requires an Area Based Licence
BRISTOL — The Creator of the universe spent Thursday afternoon on hold with Natural England’s wildlife licensing team, attempting to obtain permission to cull the cormorant, a bird He personally designed, built and, by His own admission, shipped before it was ready. The call, which witnesses say lasted longer than the first four days of Genesis, ended with an offer to email Him a form.
He did not have an email address. He had a burning bush, which the licensing officer confirmed was not an accepted contact method.
Why God Made the Cormorant on the Fifth Day, and Regrets the Timing
Scripture is clear that fish and birds arrived together on the fifth day, which in hindsight was a scheduling error. He put the hunter and the hunted in the same water on the same afternoon and then, as is His habit, went to rest. Heaven suspected fowl play the moment the first stickleback went missing, only to discover the culprit was His own handiwork.
The design itself is hard to fault. Where the duck was given waterproofing and a pleasant disposition, the cormorant was given leaky feathers, webbed feet and a lifelong commitment to dinner. Its plumage lets the water in, so it sinks like a sermon and chases fish through the deep with an efficiency no salaried officer could match. A Heaven spokesangel described it as the only creature in all Creation that hangs itself out to dry and still manages to look smug about it.
Why God Made the Cormorant and Natural England Made the Paperwork
According to the agency’s own guidance on licences to protect fisheries from fish-eating birds, applicants must set out the methods of non-lethal control they’ve already tried. God said He had tried the Flood. The licensing officer, a Marjorie Pettifer-Hale, asked whether that counted as non-lethal, and He admitted it did not.
Then came the question about consultation. Asked whether He had consulted anyone at Natural England regarding the application, God replied that He had consulted the Trinity. The form, regrettably, did not count the Trinity.
It got worse. The service won’t let applicants save their progress and return later, which the Almighty found oddly familiar, since Creation had no autosave either. And once a licence is granted, He’d have to report every action taken, or the agency may revoke it and refuse future applications. This from a Being who has never once filed a return, and who, when asked to confirm His postcode, offered “above”.
“I’m afraid this is, for all intensive purposes, a matter for the area-based team,” said Pettifer-Hale, who then transferred Him. By Thursday teatime He’d been Natural-Englanded into silence, muttering something to the hold music about a lishing ficence.
There was a glimmer of hope. A group of fisheries can apply together for an area-based cormorant management licence, and the licences are free. But that needs a management plan, a site appendix, a primary contact and a site representative at every site named. He has the sites. He lacks the representatives, owing to the Rapture being booked for later.
He had expected a short wait, and in fairness it was shorter than the Flood.
Why God Made the Cormorant, According to the Angling Trust
Anglers, naturally, have views. The Angling Trust’s long-serving policy chief Martin Salter has called the cormorant nature’s unrivalled apex predator, while conservationists have countered, as BirdGuides reported, that the claim its numbers keep climbing is questionable, given the bird was long held down by persecution and pesticides. God, asked to pick a side, reportedly sided with both, which is how most of His disputes end.
The libertarian in the room might ask the obvious question. If a man owns a lake and stocks it with carp, why does he need a nod from a Bristol office to protect his own property from a bird with a fish habit? The honest answer is that he applies, he waits, and the cormorant, which has never read a licence condition in its life, eats in the meantime. The bird, to be fair, is the only party in the whole arrangement that’s ever delivered anything on time.
Why God Made the Cormorant Stand With Its Wings Open on Every Piling
Which brings us to the pose. Having dived, caught and swallowed, the cormorant climbs onto a post and spreads its wings like a bird being searched at customs. It is drying out, because those leaky feathers that make it such a brilliant diver also make it a damp one. Heaven’s engineers call this a trade-off. The bird calls it a lunch break.
“The cormorant is the only animal that works all morning, gets soaked for it, and then stands in public with its arms out, like a man who’s just been told the tax return is due,” said stand-up comedian Roper Penberthy. “And it’s the least embarrassed creature on the river. It’s an exhibitionist with a pension plan and no pension.”
The bird has always been a bit of a show-off, spreading its assets in public every afternoon, and Heaven has never once asked it to cover up. Nobody in Bristol has asked either. They’ve only asked it to fill in a form, which, admittedly, it cannot.
Why God Made the Cormorant: A Sincere Word From the Water’s Edge
Strip the jokes away and there’s something stubbornly honest about the bird. It runs the leanest fishing operation in Britain. It has no grant, no consultation, no site representative and no nine-page anything. It sees a fish, goes under, and comes up with it, and whatever you think of the cull debate, it’s hard not to notice that the cormorant needs no permission to be exactly what it is.
The humans around it need licences to argue about it, applications to act on it and reports to prove they did. Perhaps that’s why God made the cormorant after all. Not as a pest or a villain, but as a reminder that nature doesn’t wait for a reply from Bristol, and that the rest of us might do well to notice how much of our lives now does.
Why God Made the Cormorant: Humorous Observations
- The cormorant dives for a living and dries itself like a man awaiting a verdict.
- Creation took six days. A group licence takes a management plan, a site appendix and a representative at every site.
- The only party in this dispute that has never applied for a grant is the bird.
- If the Almighty can’t get a cull through Bristol, the rest of us should stop expecting a bus shelter.
- Cormorants spread their wings to dry. Quangos spread the paperwork to delay.
- The bird is wet by design. The system is wet by default.
- Somewhere a heron is watching all of this and quietly drafting an objection.
In real life, cormorants in England are protected wild birds, and fishery owners who believe they are suffering serious damage can apply to Natural England for a licence to kill or take them. The agency’s guidance on GOV.UK lists cormorants alongside goosanders, mergansers and herons, and requires applicants to show there’s no other satisfactory way to prevent the damage, including the non-lethal methods they’ve already tried. Groups of fisheries can apply for a free area-based licence with a management plan and site appendices. The Angling Trust, whose head of policy Martin Salter has long campaigned for looser controls, has urged ministers to make licences easier to obtain, while conservationists have disputed whether cormorant numbers are still rising, a dispute BirdGuides has covered.
Sources
- GOV.UK: Fish-eating birds: licence to protect your fishery (A06 and A07)
- GOV.UK: Cormorants: group licence to kill or take them to prevent damage to fisheries (A06a)
- Angling Trust: Government rejects plea to add cormorants to the General Licence
- BirdGuides: More licences sought to shoot cormorants and goosanders
This article is British satire from London, written as UK satirical news for comedy purposes, and any resemblance between the Almighty and a person on hold with a government agency is purely coincidental. It is satirical journalism, and no cormorants, deities or licensing officers were harmed in the making of this British humor.
For the American edition of the joke, read more American satirical news at Bohiney.com.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. He currently lives in Holloway, North London. Contact: [email protected]
