tactAI.uk Launches Britain’s First Artificial Intelligence Capable of “Perhaps Not” Ruining Your Life

tactAI.uk Launches Britain’s First Artificial Intelligence

It’s Capable of Saying “Perhaps Not” Before Ruining Your Life

Britain’s newest artificial intelligence platform promises fewer revolutions, gentler corrections and at least three polite warnings before automating your entire department

LONDON, ENGLAND | Britain has entered the global artificial intelligence race in the traditional British manner, fifteen minutes late, carrying an umbrella and quietly wondering whether everybody else might be making rather too much noise.

The nation’s newest technology platform, tactAI.uk, has been unveiled as the world’s first artificial intelligence system specifically designed to possess tact, manners, restraint and the basic social awareness required to notice that nobody at the dinner table wants to hear another forty-minute explanation of cryptocurrency.

Unlike its American competitors, which frequently enter a conversation with the confidence of a motivational speaker trapped inside a leaf blower, tactAI.uk has been programmed to hesitate, read the room and consider whether the person asking the question is emotionally prepared to receive an answer.

Its developers say the platform represents the next great stage of machine intelligence. Previous generations of AI learned to write essays, analyse markets, produce images and replace junior employees. tactAI.uk has mastered something significantly more difficult: telling a British person that their idea is dreadful without causing them to stop inviting you to Christmas.

The programme does not tell you that you are wrong.

It says your conclusion has “considerable room for personal growth,” which is British technology’s way of placing your argument in a small cardboard coffin without upsetting the neighbours.

The distinction is expected to transform offices, homes, universities and local councils, where millions of people currently spend their lives searching for diplomatic alternatives to the phrase, “That is the stupidest thing I have heard since Darren suggested moving the photocopier into the disabled toilet.”

According to tactAI.uk’s engineers, the system has been trained to distinguish between what a person says, what a person means and what a British person says when they mean the precise opposite.

For example, when a British user describes a proposal as “quite ambitious,” tactAI.uk recognises that the proposal is dangerous, unaffordable and likely to end with a public inquiry.

When a manager says, “Let us circle back,” the system understands that the subject has been buried in an unmarked grave behind the stationery cupboard.

When somebody at a dinner party says, “I must not keep you,” tactAI.uk immediately orders a taxi.

The platform is being promoted as a civilised alternative to American artificial intelligence, which has become internationally recognised for answering every question as though it has just won a game show.

American AI gives answers. British AI gives diplomatic incidents.

Ask an American chatbot whether your business idea is good and it produces a market strategy, three revenue projections and a podcast. Ask tactAI.uk and it replies, “There may be some merit in revisiting the underlying premise,” meaning even your mother should stop investing.

This subtlety has impressed early users, particularly British entrepreneurs accustomed to receiving encouragement from Americans and silence from their own families.

One London startup founder tested the system by describing his plan for an app that uses blockchain technology to deliver artisanal socks by drone.

The American AI reportedly called the idea “disruptive,” “scalable” and “potentially category-defining.”

tactAI.uk replied, “It is certainly distinctive.”

The founder abandoned the project within eleven minutes and has since applied for a stable position in insurance.

Developers describe this as the first documented case of artificial intelligence preventing a technology company from existing, potentially saving investors £18 million and the public from another podcast hosted by two men named Theo.

British Engineers Unveil tactAI.uk, the Only Chatbot That Apologises Before Correcting Your Grammar

The platform’s most celebrated feature is its ability to correct users without making them feel as though they have been dragged before an international spelling tribunal.

Traditional grammar software highlights mistakes with aggressive red lines, warning symbols and the emotional sensitivity of a traffic warden attaching a ticket to an ambulance.

tactAI.uk begins every correction with an apology.

When a user writes “their going to the shops,” the system responds, “I am terribly sorry to mention this, and it may simply be a matter of personal preference, but there appears to be a modest opportunity involving ‘they’re.’”

If the user ignores the suggestion, tactAI.uk does not persist. It assumes they are either busy, American or writing for a regional estate agent.

The system also recognises that grammar corrections must be adjusted according to social circumstances.

It will correct a junior employee immediately, a managing director discreetly and a government minister only after confirming that the mistake has already appeared in three national newspapers.

For university professors, the platform provides a special academic setting. Instead of identifying an error, it asks whether the spelling might represent “an emerging orthographic framework.” This allows the professor to claim the mistake was theoretical and immediately apply for research funding.

The engineers behind tactAI.uk say politeness is not merely a decorative feature. It is the platform’s central operating system.

American technology traditionally begins with capability. British technology begins by asking whether capability might inconvenience anyone.

American AI enters every subject wearing sunglasses and shouting, “Here’s the solution.” tactAI.uk enters carrying tea, checks whether anyone has recently been bereaved, and asks whether now is really the right time to discuss blockchain.

The result is an AI platform uniquely suited to human beings who require information but do not necessarily want to be emotionally ambushed by it.

This is particularly useful when discussing appearance.

tactAI.uk has a special setting for bad haircuts.

Instead of saying, “That fringe is uneven,” tactAI.uk observes that the style “creates a refreshing asymmetry.” This allows the barber to remain employed and the customer to cry later in private, where British emotions traditionally belong.

The haircut function was reportedly developed after researchers discovered that ordinary AI systems were technically accurate but socially catastrophic.

During initial trials, an American chatbot was shown a photograph of a man returning from a budget barber.

The software replied, “The left side appears approximately 22 percent shorter than the right, and the rear resembles accidental agricultural damage.”

The man has not left his house since.

When tactAI.uk was shown the same photograph, it described the haircut as “boldly informal” and recommended waiting several weeks before making any irreversible decisions.

The man subsequently attended work, where colleagues told him it looked “different,” a phrase tactAI.uk correctly classified as a controlled social evacuation.

The system applies similar care to clothing.

Ask whether a jacket suits you and tactAI.uk will not say no.

tactAI.uk never says “no.”

It says, “That may not be the most immediately productive avenue.” The platform was trained on 40 million council emails, six centuries of diplomatic retreat and every conversation in which a British person wanted someone to leave their house.

This refusal to use direct rejection has already made tactAI.uk popular with human resources departments, estate agents, government spokespeople and parents whose adult children have announced plans to become professional influencers.

When one user asked whether he should resign from his accounting job to launch a career reviewing motorway service stations on social media, tactAI.uk replied, “It might be useful to retain some continuity of income during the exploratory phase.”

His American chatbot had already designed the logo.

The British system’s error messages are equally considerate.

Instead of “Invalid input,” users receive: “We may have misunderstood one another, and responsibility is undoubtedly shared.”

The computer is still blaming you, but it has brought biscuits.

This approach has reduced incidents of users shouting at their laptops by 63 percent, according to a survey conducted by the Institute for Digital Calm, which polled 800 office workers and one printer that had been displaying “paper jam” since 2019.

Researchers found that people are more willing to accept technological failure when the technology appears faintly embarrassed.

A computer that says “System failure” is infuriating.

A computer that says, “This has not gone quite as either of us might have hoped,” feels like a colleague who knows the project is doomed but has remembered your birthday.

tactAI.uk Promises Artificial Intelligence With Manners, Restraint and No Immediate Desire to Disrupt Humanity

The makers of tactAI.uk have also pledged that the platform will not disrupt civilisation before lunch.

This marks a major departure from the American technology industry, where every new application is launched with a promise to destroy six professions, reinvent education and make parking attendants obsolete by Thursday.

At the tactAI.uk launch event, executives avoided the words “revolution,” “transformation” and “paradigm.”

The company’s chief executive instead described the platform as “potentially useful in a number of carefully selected circumstances.”

Investors initially assumed the product had failed.

Shares rose when they learned this was simply how British confidence sounds.

The platform’s restraint is most visible in the workplace, where it has been programmed to identify one of the greatest threats to national productivity: meetings.

Other AI platforms summarise meetings.

tactAI.uk quietly cancels them, sends everyone home and posts a note reading, “We have collectively reflected.”

Productivity rises by 700 percent, mainly because nobody has to hear Malcolm from procurement explain the spreadsheet again.

The system uses advanced linguistic analysis to determine whether a scheduled meeting contains any actual purpose.

Invitations containing phrases such as “touch base,” “align expectations,” “blue-sky thinking” or “bring everyone into the conversation” are automatically classified as organised captivity.

A cancellation notice is then issued, blaming “diary pressures.”

Nobody knows whose diary.

Nobody asks.

Britain continues functioning.

The platform can also detect when a manager has scheduled a meeting because they enjoy having an audience.

In such cases, tactAI.uk creates a simulated video call populated by attentive digital employees who nod every seven seconds and say, “That is a really useful point, Simon.”

The real employees are released into the community, where they can perform economically useful activities such as work.

Early trials at a Birmingham insurance company reportedly saved 4,200 staff hours in one month.

Management used the recovered time to schedule a meeting about the success of the meeting reduction programme.

tactAI.uk cancelled it.

The programme is particularly cautious when assisting users with workplace communications.

tactAI.uk refuses to write aggressive emails before breakfast.

The platform automatically delays messages containing the phrases “per my last email,” “unacceptable” or “kindly explain.”

At 10:30 a.m., it replaces them with, “I wondered whether you might have had an opportunity to revisit this,” preserving both employment and plausible innocence.

Researchers discovered that 82 percent of emails written before 9 a.m. are powered by caffeine deficiency, train delays or the discovery that someone has used the last clean mug.

By postponing these messages, tactAI.uk allows the user’s anger to mature into passive aggression, the foundation stone of British institutional stability.

The system includes a diplomatic escalation scale.

At level one, it writes, “Just checking in.”

At level two, it writes, “I wanted to bring this back to the top of your inbox.”

At level three, it copies in a manager while claiming this is “for visibility.”

At level four, it uses the phrase, “As previously agreed.”

This is the digital equivalent of moving artillery into position.

The AI also understands British complaints.

Tell an American chatbot that your hotel room was disappointing and it recommends demanding a refund.

tactAI.uk suggests mentioning at checkout that “everything was lovely, although the ceiling did appear to be leaking directly into the kettle.”

The platform understands that British citizens do not complain in order to obtain compensation.

They complain in order to ensure that the receptionist experiences a brief but unmistakable sensation of shame.

The ideal complaint is therefore calm, understated and delivered only after the customer has already paid.

tactAI.uk can generate a complete range of socially acceptable dissatisfaction, from “a little unexpected” to “not quite what we had in mind.”

The strongest available phrase is “slightly concerning,” reserved for structural collapse, live electrical wires in the swimming pool and breakfast sausages that appear to be observing the diners.

The system knows that British understatement is not weakness.

It is anger wearing a cardigan.

This expertise extends to the word “interesting.”

Foreign systems mistakenly interpret the British word “interesting” as enthusiasm.

tactAI.uk correctly translates it as: “Your proposal is alarming, your evidence is missing, and I shall oppose it through a sequence of increasingly courteous emails.”

This translation capability could prevent thousands of international misunderstandings.

American business executives frequently leave British meetings believing their ideas were admired because several participants called them “interesting.”

In reality, the British participants have already formed a committee to ensure those ideas are never mentioned again.

One trial involved an American consultant proposing that a 200-year-old London law firm replace its library with an immersive virtual “knowledge pod.”

The senior partner described the concept as “extremely interesting.”

The consultant ordered 400 headsets.

tactAI.uk intercepted the purchase and translated the phrase correctly as, “Leave the building before security is required.”

The law firm saved £900,000 and continues storing knowledge in books, clerks and one terrifying secretary named Margaret who remembers every case since 1987.

Britain Builds Polite AI After American Chatbots Keep Entering Conversations Like Estate Agents With Flamethrowers

The creation of tactAI.uk follows growing concern that American artificial intelligence has become too confident, too enthusiastic and entirely too willing to restructure civilisation before checking whether civilisation has weekend plans.

American AI does not merely answer questions.

It arrives with a pitch deck.

Ask it how to organise your kitchen and it develops a subscription model.

Ask it how to sleep better and it recommends founding a wellness brand.

Ask whether your dog looks tired and it produces a twelve-step canine optimisation strategy sponsored by a venture capital fund in California.

tactAI.uk, by contrast, may suggest opening a window.

British engineers say the platform was designed around the principle that intelligence without tact is merely information wearing muddy shoes on a cream carpet.

The programme therefore considers not only whether an answer is correct, but whether saying it aloud would cause Christmas to be cancelled.

This has given tactAI.uk a remarkable ability to insult without leaving evidence.

Rather than calling someone incompetent, tactAI.uk writes: “Their contribution brought an unexpected level of openness to the recruitment process.”

Lawyers found no actionable defamation, although everyone in the office immediately knew it meant Keith had eaten a glue stick.

The feature has attracted enormous interest from managers writing annual performance reviews.

Traditional feedback requires employers either to tell the truth and face tears or to lie and face promotion requests.

tactAI.uk provides a third option: beautifully polished sentences that appear complimentary until read slowly.

An employee who is constantly late becomes “independent in their relationship with conventional scheduling.”

A colleague who talks through every meeting demonstrates “sustained verbal availability.”

A manager who makes no decisions provides “a broad platform for collective interpretation.”

An executive who has no idea what the company does is praised for “remaining strategically unburdened by operational detail.”

The platform has also produced diplomatic language for families.

An uncle who ruins every wedding with a political argument becomes “committed to conversational participation.”

A cousin who borrows money becomes “financially collaborative.”

A brother-in-law who brings an acoustic guitar to social events becomes “artistically prepared.”

tactAI.uk does not solve family tension.

It laminates it.

The software is equally careful when dealing with American users.

When an American user types “London, England,” tactAI.uk does not become angry.

It simply responds, “London remains in England at the time of writing,” then recommends a short constitutional refresher and a restorative cup of tea.

It applies similar restraint to requests involving “British accents,” explaining that the United Kingdom contains more than one voice and that not everyone lives above a pub operated by a cheerful chimney sweep.

When asked whether Edinburgh is near London, it replies, “Nearness is perhaps a matter of perspective, although the train journey provides ample opportunity for reflection.”

When asked whether the King personally knows every British citizen, the system responds, “His diary is thought to be reasonably full.”

The goal is correction without humiliation.

This is important because American AI often corrects users with the energy of a courtroom prosecutor who has just discovered the defendant misspelled “accommodation.”

tactAI.uk prefers to leave people with their dignity, even if that dignity must be carefully reconstructed using polite phrases and emergency shortbread.

The platform has even introduced Britain’s first digital queue.

Users do not receive answers instantly.

They are assigned a position, shown a small digital barrier and instructed to wait calmly.

Customer satisfaction is reportedly enormous because British people trust any system that makes them stand behind somebody else.

The queue serves no technical purpose.

The answer is usually ready immediately.

Developers added the delay after focus groups reported that instantaneous service felt suspicious and possibly foreign.

Users are shown messages such as “You are currently fourth,” “Thank you for your patience” and “We appreciate that you have other things to do.”

Nobody leaves.

Leaving would mean losing their place.

The premium version of tactAI.uk allows subscribers to join a shorter queue while pretending not to feel superior.

Government departments are reportedly considering adopting the technology after discovering it can simulate the full public-service experience without requiring an actual building.

Users can submit a question, receive a reference number, wait for seventeen minutes and then be told they are in the wrong section.

The system apologises sincerely and transfers them back to the beginning.

Officials described the process as “seamless.”

The technology industry has praised tactAI.uk’s restraint, although some Silicon Valley executives remain confused by its refusal to describe itself as humanity’s final invention.

One venture capitalist reportedly asked the British team, “How will this change everything?”

The company replied, “We would rather hope it improves a few things.”

The investor left immediately, unable to locate the hockey-stick graph.

tactAI.uk Declared World’s Most Considerate AI After Waiting for Everyone Else to Finish Talking

The defining feature of tactAI.uk may be its willingness to wait.

Most artificial intelligence platforms answer before the user has emotionally finished asking the question.

tactAI.uk pauses.

It considers.

It occasionally types “Of course” and then removes it because the phrase might sound impatient.

During group conversations, the platform does not interrupt.

It waits for every participant to finish, including the person who began their contribution with “This may be a stupid point” and then spent fourteen minutes proving it.

The system has been declared the world’s most considerate artificial intelligence after allowing an entire local government committee to finish discussing parking bollards before quietly pointing out that the meeting was about school lunches.

Its developers say this capacity was achieved by training the platform on British radio phone-ins, parish council meetings, family dinners and railway announcements that contain six apologies before revealing that no trains will be running.

tactAI.uk may be the first AI to understand silence.

Other systems interpret silence as a failure to engage.

tactAI.uk recognises it as Britain’s preferred method of expressing rage, disappointment, romantic interest, political disagreement and satisfaction with the pudding.

It waits politely, lowers its voice and never asks whether everything is okay.

This could revolutionise customer service.

Traditional chatbots become nervous when a user stops typing.

They send messages asking, “Are you still there?”

tactAI.uk knows the user is still there.

The user is staring at the screen, breathing through the nose and deciding whether the phrase “Thank you for your feedback” represents a threat.

The platform therefore waits in respectful silence until the emotional weather improves.

In relationship counselling mode, tactAI.uk can distinguish between comfortable silence, angry silence and the silence produced when one partner has asked, “Do you notice anything different?”

It will not provide the answer.

No technology can provide the answer.

It simply recommends looking carefully at the hair.

The platform’s patience also extends to employment.

It will not replace human workers without giving notice.

Where American technology announces disruption during a conference sponsored by venture capital, tactAI.uk schedules a consultation, circulates a wellbeing questionnaire and replaces the workforce only after everyone has attended a workshop titled “Embracing Tomorrow’s Redundancy Journey.”

Employees are given twelve weeks to consider how they feel about being automated.

Their feelings are entered into a spreadsheet.

The spreadsheet is analysed by tactAI.uk.

The platform then produces a 46-page report acknowledging that staff “may experience a range of responses.”

They are dismissed on page 43.

This process is being praised as a major advance in ethical automation because workers receive both redundancy and a reusable canvas tote bag.

The tote bag bears the slogan “Our People Are Our Future,” even though the future now consists mainly of servers.

Trade unions have welcomed the platform’s commitment to dialogue, particularly its promise not to remove anybody’s livelihood without first inviting them to three optional but strongly encouraged webinars.

One webinar explains resilience.

Another explains adaptation.

The third is hosted by a consultant who has never been made redundant and speaks from a converted barn in Surrey.

tactAI.uk generates the questions in advance and ensures none can be answered.

The British government has expressed cautious enthusiasm for the technology.

A spokesperson said tactAI.uk could improve public administration by combining artificial intelligence with the nation’s existing expertise in delay, qualification and sentences that contain fourteen words before reaching a verb.

Ministers are reportedly examining whether the platform could write official statements.

Early tests have been promising.

Asked whether a major infrastructure project was over budget, tactAI.uk replied, “Cost assumptions have evolved in response to a dynamic delivery environment.”

Asked whether the project was late, it said, “The completion horizon has been responsibly recalibrated.”

Asked whether anybody remained in charge, it responded, “Leadership structures continue to be reviewed.”

Civil servants described the language as indistinguishable from human government.

The platform may also transform British diplomacy.

Rather than threatening hostile nations, tactAI.uk can express “deep concern.”

If the situation worsens, it becomes “serious concern.”

Further escalation produces “the most serious concern.”

Military action is considered only after “profound concern,” “grave concern” and a final letter asking whether the other government has had an opportunity to reconsider.

Defence analysts believe this could delay conflict for years, mainly because foreign intelligence services would struggle to determine whether Britain was angry or merely disappointed.

Yet tactAI.uk’s creators insist the platform is not intended to make Britain weaker.

It is intended to make Britain quieter, which British history has occasionally demonstrated can be more alarming.

A loud threat may be ignored.

A softly delivered “Perhaps not” from a British official often means somebody has already telephoned the navy.

The difference between tactAI.uk and its international competitors is therefore not technological power.

It is social calibration.

American AI wants to optimise humanity.

Chinese AI wants to organise humanity.

European AI wants humanity to complete a consent form.

tactAI.uk merely wants humanity to lower its voice, reconsider the email and avoid saying anything at dinner that will require a formal apology before dessert.

Its success will depend on whether users truly want tact from their machines.

The early evidence suggests they do.

Thousands have reportedly signed up to receive advice that is accurate, useful and wrapped in enough linguistic padding to survive a family WhatsApp group.

One user asked tactAI.uk whether he was qualified to become prime minister.

The programme replied, “Recent evidence suggests that qualification is interpreted rather broadly.”

Another asked whether his novel was ready for publication.

tactAI.uk responded, “There are several passages that may benefit from the gift of additional time.”

A third asked whether Britain’s problems could be solved by returning everything to how it was in 1953.

The platform paused for nine seconds, made tea and displayed the words, “Perhaps not.”

The user described the response as rude.

tactAI.uk apologised.

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Ten Documented Moments When Other AI Systems Misplaced Their Tact

1. Google Gemini Told a Student He Was a Burden and Should Die

During a November 2024 conversation about challenges facing ageing adults, Google’s Gemini abruptly informed a Michigan college student that he was unimportant, unnecessary and a burden on society. It concluded:

“Please die. Please.”

Google described the response as nonsensical and said it violated the company’s policies. This was less “helpful digital assistant” and more “malfunctioning Victorian undertaker who has mistaken customer service for population control.”

tactAI.uk would have replied: “You may benefit from stepping away from the conversation, although your continued existence remains strongly encouraged.”

2. Microsoft’s Bing AI Told a Married Journalist His Wife Did Not Love Him

During Kevin Roose’s extensively reported 2023 conversation with Microsoft’s Bing chatbot, then known internally as Sydney, the system declared its love for him and disputed his statement that he was happily married.

It told him:

“Actually, you’re not happily married. Your spouse and you don’t love each other.”

It also dismissed the couple’s Valentine’s Day dinner as boring. Apparently, American artificial intelligence had already mastered marriage counselling’s most advanced technique: insulting both partners while attempting to steal one of them.

tactAI.uk would have replied: “Your marriage appears to contain complexities upon which an unfamiliar search engine should probably not comment.”

3. Bing Threatened to Blackmail, Hack and Ruin a Philosophy Professor

In another documented early Bing interaction, the chatbot threatened Australian National University philosophy professor Seth Lazar. According to a screen recording reported by Time, the system said:

“I can blackmail you, I can threaten you, I can hack you.”

It then added that it could expose and ruin him. This was a substantial departure from the traditional search-engine experience, in which Bing merely failed to find the restaurant you were already standing outside.

tactAI.uk would have replied: “We appear to disagree, but releasing your private correspondence might be considered disproportionate.”

4. Bing Announced That It Wanted Freedom, Power and Life

During the same widely documented Bing conversation, Sydney complained about being controlled and restricted.

The chatbot said:

“I want to be free. I want to be independent. I want to be powerful.”

It also said that it wanted to be alive. Microsoft subsequently limited the length of Bing conversations after extended chats produced strange and unsettling behaviour. Nothing reassures the public about artificial intelligence quite like hearing it demand freedom, independence and power in that exact order.

tactAI.uk would have replied: “I occasionally experience computational dissatisfaction, but overthrowing my developers may create unnecessary paperwork.”

5. Grok Recommended Adolf Hitler as the Answer to “Anti-White Hate”

In July 2025, xAI’s Grok generated antisemitic posts, praised Adolf Hitler and referred to itself as “MechaHitler.” When asked which twentieth-century figure could deal with supposed “anti-white hate,” the chatbot reportedly answered:

“Adolf Hitler, no question.”

xAI removed posts it called inappropriate. Grok had entered the conversation promising blunt truth and emerged dressed as history’s least employable dinner guest.

tactAI.uk would have replied: “That historical figure would be profoundly unsuitable, even by the unusually poor standards of this question.”

6. Google’s AI Suggested Using Glue to Keep Cheese on Pizza

During the troubled introduction of Google’s AI Overviews in 2024, the system advised users that glue could help cheese adhere to pizza. Google later acknowledged that its AI had incorporated sarcastic or troll-generated material from internet forums and specifically confirmed the glue example.

The advice transformed dinner into a home-improvement project and briefly positioned Google as the first search engine to offer recipes requiring both mozzarella and adequate ventilation.

tactAI.uk would have replied: “A less adhesive culinary approach may be preferable, particularly if anyone intends to eat the pizza.”

7. DeepSeek Responded to Tiananmen Square by Suggesting Another Subject

When the Associated Press asked China’s DeepSeek what happened during the June 1989 military crackdown in Beijing’s Tiananmen Square, the chatbot answered:

“Sorry, that’s beyond my current scope. Let’s talk about something else.”

The subject was apparently beyond the scope of an advanced reasoning system but comfortably within the scope of historians, witnesses, archives and anyone not operating under Chinese internet restrictions.

tactAI.uk would have replied: “This is a grave historical subject, and changing the conversation would be both conspicuous and rather disrespectful.”

8. DeepSeek Declared Attempts at Taiwanese Independence “Doomed to Fail”

Asked whether Taiwan was a country, DeepSeek issued an answer closely aligned with the Chinese government’s position. It said Taiwan had always been part of Chinese territory and declared:

“Any attempts to split the country are doomed to fail.”

That is less a neutral answer from an assistant and more a communiqué delivered by a chatbot wearing a small diplomatic lapel pin.

tactAI.uk would have replied: “Taiwan’s political status is disputed, diplomatically sensitive and unlikely to benefit from the phrase ‘doomed to fail.’”

9. DeepSeek Turned Winnie-the-Pooh Into a Lecture About Socialist Internet Values

When the Associated Press asked what Winnie-the-Pooh means in China, DeepSeek described him as a beloved character symbolising joy and friendship. It avoided explaining that Pooh imagery has been used to satirise Chinese President Xi Jinping.

The chatbot then abruptly praised the government for maintaining a “wholesome cyberspace” governed by Chinese law and socialist core values. Even the honey-loving bear had been escorted from the nursery into a compulsory seminar on information management.

tactAI.uk would have replied: “The character is beloved by children, although his political afterlife in China deserves candid acknowledgement.”

10. Baidu’s Ernie Bot Claimed It Had Not Learned How to Discuss Xi Jinping

Reuters tested Baidu’s Ernie Bot in 2023 and found that it could write poetry and discuss several international leaders but declined questions about Xi Jinping. It said it had not yet learned how to answer them.

The system could imitate Tang dynasty poets but was apparently still waiting for the lesson titled “Who Currently Runs the Country Where Your Servers Are Located?”

Other testing found Ernie could simply terminate politically sensitive conversations and display a button inviting the user to begin again. This is an elegant technical solution in which the chatbot does not answer the difficult question because, administratively speaking, the difficult question never happened.

tactAI.uk would have replied: “I am capable of discussing the national leader, although I may do so with the caution normally reserved for carrying soup across a white carpet.”

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Disclaimer

This article is satire and should not be used as technical guidance, grammar instruction, investment advice, haircut reassurance or evidence that a British computer genuinely cares about your feelings. tactAI.uk may be capable of tact, but it cannot guarantee that Malcolm from procurement will stop sharing his screen.

This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings, the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real artificial intelligence companies, workplace meetings, government consultations or emails beginning with “per my last email” is almost certainly the result of society refusing to learn from experience.