Burnham Orders Another Review of Childhood
Andy Burnham wants a root-and-branch review of childhood as a million young people sit outside work or training. Westminster appoints adults to find out why.
Tag: British satire
Gas Standing Charge Abolished, Cost Moves House
Chancellor John Healey scraps the gas standing charge for 23 million homes and shifts it to the unit rate. Yorkshire pensioners reach for a second cardigan.
Home Office Tells EU Citizens Their Status Was a Typo
The3million sues the Home Office after almost 1,500 EU citizens see residence rights challenged over earlier decisions. Whitehall reviews the meaning of here.
House Prices Fall, Homes Still Unaffordable
UK house prices fell 0.6% in October to £296,285, says Lloyds. A Croydon first-time buyer does the maths and finds he is only £57,000 short.
Lanarkshire AI Data Centre Goes Green, Mostly
DataVita’s Chapelhall AI data centre swaps big renewable plans for the National Grid. Lanarkshire locals ask what it makes. Intelligence, apparently.
Say What You Pay: Job Adverts Must Show Salaries
Andy Burnham plans a say-what-you-pay law putting salaries in job adverts. Recruiters warn the phrase competitive salary may not survive contact with numbers.
Police Merger Plan: 43 Forces Become Eight
Sir Mark Rowley wants 43 police forces cut to eight or ten. A stolen Somerset lawnmower puts the new regional customer experience centre to the test.
NHS Extends Palantir to Escape Palantir
The Government plans to extend the £330m NHS Palantir deal while building a British replacement. Officials explain the road to independence starts with renewal.
Manchester City FC
This is FREE to my friends and readers of The London Prat. FREE DOWNLOAD: Manchester City FC — The Cityad: The Wrath of the Hundred and Fifteen Yes, completely free. No subscription, no paywall, no financial regulations to navigate, and certainly no 115 charges to explain. Consider it my gift to readers who appreciate satire, football, literature, and the glorious British tradition of taking something ridiculous and treating it with…
Lord Khan Enjoys the Lords, Londoners Await Buses
Mayor Describes Upper House Life as City Hall Puts New Letterhead Out to Tender LONDON, ENGLAND | Lord Khan, the Labour mayor of London, spoke about life in the House of Lords at the party conference in Liverpool on Tuesday 29 September, according to ITV News. Attendees described his tone as warm. The Lords did not comment, being a house. Parliamentary sources said the chamber is comfortable, well heated and…
Green Party Votes on Whether Zionism Is Racism
Green Party Votes on Whether Zionism Is Racism, Discovers Internal Peace Process May Be Harder Than Middle East One Greens Develop Revolutionary Foreign Policy Instrument Known as ‘Motion E2 and 700 People Shouting’ BRIGHTON, ENGLAND — Britain’s Green Party gathered in Brighton this weekend to demonstrate tolerance, pluralism and grassroots democracy by holding an enormous argument over which political beliefs should officially qualify as intolerable. The real conference is being held at the Brighton…
Britain Tries More Socialism
Britain Tries More Socialism to Cure Problems as Poll Finds 49% Ready to Rejoin the EU State ownership, redistribution and public control apparently haven’t satisfied Britain’s appetite, so nearly half of poll respondents are now eyeing the continental-size portion LONDON — Britain has received exciting new evidence that the nation’s appetite for government intervention remains healthy, with a megapoll finding 49% support for rejoining the European Union while only 28.5% oppose returning. The…
Sir Ranulph Fiennes
Sir Ranulph Fiennes Survives Everest, the Arctic and the Antarctic, Then Encounters Britain’s Most Dangerous Terrain: Adult Social Care Paperwork Nation shocked to learn legendary explorer may have needed fewer survival skills at the North Pole than inside the British guardianship system LONDON — Sir Ranulph Fiennes, a man who spent a lifetime confronting deserts, polar ice, Everest, frostbite, and the sort of weather that makes ordinary people cancel brunch, has…
Britain’s Triple Lock Pension Explained: Government Checks Three Numbers and Proudly Chooses the Most Expensive One
Britain’s Triple Lock Pension Explained: Government Checks Three Numbers and Proudly Chooses the Most Expensive One | Westminster Unveils the Only Government Formula Where Winning Means Finding the Largest Bill
Britain’s Newest Economic Theory
Prince Harry Discovers Britain’s Newest Economic Theory: Everybody May Make Money Off Diana Except Her Son Royal Commentators Unveil Exciting New Doctrine of Capitalism Without Harry LONDON, ENGLAND. Prince Harry has once again endangered Western civilization by considering the reckless financial activity known as getting paid for work, according to critics responding to reports that he may participate in a documentary about his mother, Princess Diana. The controversy follows reporting that commentators accused…
Burnham Won’t Back Heathrow Third Runway
Burnham Won’t Back Heathrow Third Runway, Britain Advised to Take a Train or Bus to Singapore Prime Minister says Heathrow expansion is principally a matter for London, accidentally inspires Britain’s first intercontinental replacement-bus service LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has declined to endorse Heathrow’s proposed third runway, telling the BBC that the issue is “principally” one for London and that local voices should be heard before he takes a position. Reuters…
Drumcree Garvaghy Road Standoff
Drumcree Standoff Returns After 28 Years, Northern Ireland Furious to Discover Someone Rebooted the 1990s Orange Order Parade on Garvaghy Road Reopens a 1998 Peace Process Argument, and It Only Needs 35 Marchers PORTADOWN, NORTHERN IRELAND — Residents of Northern Ireland awoke this weekend to discover somebody had apparently restored the country from a backup file dated 1998, complete with Drumcree, disputed marching routes, emergency court hearings, politicians appealing for calm…
Cure for Government-Controlled Buses
London Discovers the Cure for Government-Controlled Buses Is More Government-Controlled Buses Sadiq Khan Creates Public Bus Company After City Hall Concludes Eight Contractors Are Seven Too Many LONDON — Mayor Sadiq Khan has unveiled Buses for London, a publicly owned operator expected to begin running Route 6 between Willesden and Victoria in late 2027. About 100 zero-emission buses are initially planned, with four more routes due to follow from 2028 before TfL evaluates whether the experiment…
Hillingdon Council Doubles Shop Rents
Hillingdon Council Doubles Shop Rents, Unveils Bold Economic Plan to Replace Local Businesses With Empty Windows West Drayton discovers exciting new economic theory in which thriving shops become even more valuable once nobody can afford to operate them WEST DRAYTON, LONDON — Hillingdon Council has unveiled what appears to be Britain’s most advanced high-street regeneration strategy: spend hundreds of thousands of pounds making a shopping parade attractive, raise some rents by more…
More Government From Belgium
Britain Complains Government Controls Everything, Poll Finds Solution May Be More Government From Belgium Voters Apparently Look at Britain’s Regulation, Taxes and State Intervention and Ask Whether Brussels Has Anything Available in a Larger Size LIVERPOOL, England — Britain has reportedly discovered a revolutionary cure for people who believe the country already suffers from excessive government intervention: additional government intervention, but continental. A new POLITICO/Public First poll found that 70 percent of…
Nationwide Queue Shortage
Britain Announces Nationwide Queue Shortage, Forms Queue to Complain About It National Crisis Deepens After Citizens Forced to Approach Counters Immediately LONDON — Britain entered unfamiliar constitutional territory Tuesday after officials confirmed that several public buildings had temporarily run out of queues, forcing shocked citizens to walk directly to service counters without first spending 35 minutes staring at the back of another person’s coat. The Department for Public Waiting described the…
Prince William Called Earl Spencer and Harry “Traitors”
Henry VIII Rules on Prince William Calling Harry a “Traitor”: “I Know Treason. This Is Not Treason.” The Tudor Monarch Returned From the Dead Reviews Reports That Harry and Earl Spencer Have Formed an “Alliance,” and Finds No Cavalry, No Calais and Not One Single Beheading LONDON — Yahoo’s item repeats a reported, anonymously sourced claim that Prince William has been calling Prince Harry and Earl Spencer “traitors” amid the…
AI Copyright UK Satire: British Celebrities Defeat AI Copyright Plan, Government Learns Elton John Still Has Nuclear Deterrent
AI Copyright UK Satire: British Celebrities Defeat AI Copyright Plan, Government Learns Elton John Still Has Nuclear Deterrent | AI Copyright UK Satire: Technology Lobby Discovers Parliament Can Ignore Thousands of Creators but Becomes Nervous When Paul McCartney Starts Writing Letters
Donald Trump Shoots the Messenger
Trump Bans the Press: The King Shoots the Messenger Again From a sofa in London we watch Washington rediscover the oldest trick in politics: sack the courier, keep the crisis WASHINGTON — For most of human history, rulers confronted bad news using a simple communications strategy. They killed the person who brought it. It was crude. It was violent. It was *terrible for staff retention*. Fortunately, civilisation has progressed. The modern…
Diana’s Bodyguard Says Everyone May Be Telling the Truth
Diana’s Bodyguard Says Everyone May Be Telling the Truth, Britain Immediately Runs Out of Truth Former protection officer Ken Wharfe introduces revolutionary concept that two people can remember the same royal conversation differently, forcing British tabloids to evacuate newsroom LONDON — Britain’s decades-long effort to determine precisely what every member of the Royal Family meant during every conversation involving Princess Diana entered dangerous new territory this week after former bodyguard…
Billionaire Loses Confidence in Government
Billionaire Loses Confidence in Government, Britain Announces Confidence Remains Available on NHS Waiting List Ratcliffe Says UK Is ‘On the Slide,’ Treasury Announces Exciting New Tax on Slides Billionaire industrialist Sir Jim Ratcliffe has declared that Britain is “on the slide,” prompting HM Treasury to reassure markets that slides remain perfectly legal provided users register for Slide Duty, complete Form SL1 and pay the newly introduced Recreational Downward Motion Levy.…
Billionaire Loses Confidence in Britain
Billionaire Loses Confidence in Britain, Britain Checks and Discovers It Is Still There Sir Jim Ratcliffe Declares UK Finished, Nation Somehow Opens for Business Again Monday Morning Billionaire industrialist Sir Jim Ratcliffe has announced that he has lost confidence in Britain, prompting Britain to conduct an emergency inventory Saturday morning and discover, somewhat embarrassingly, that the entire country was still there. Scotland remained attached. Wales had not floated away. The…
Minimum Intelligence Required to Vote for ANY British Political Party
Scientists Discover Minimum Intelligence Required to Vote for Every British Political Party Laboratory Mouse Given Increasing Quantities of Human Brain Tissue Eventually Spoils Ballot, Moves to Spain and Refuses to Discuss Politics Over Dinner Cambridge Scientists Begin Historic Political Intelligence Experiment LONDON – British scientists have announced a breakthrough in political neuroscience after determining exactly how many functioning human brain cells are required before a laboratory mouse becomes dissatisfied with…
Ed Sheeran Boycott Survey
Ed Sheeran Boycott Survey Finds 12% Can Locate Gaza, 100% Can Locate the Outrage Button 92% of Ed Sheeran Boycotters Attended University, Researchers Still Searching for Evidence It Took LONDON — An entirely unscientific satirical survey of people threatening to boycott Ed Sheeran has produced the most alarming discovery in modern political geography: apparently the human thumb can locate the outrage button considerably faster than the human brain can locate the country being…
Harry and Meghan ‘Happy to Be Back’
Harry and Meghan ‘Happy to Be Back,’ British Newspapers Convene Emergency Meeting to Determine Why Harry wants Archie and Lilibet to understand their British heritage, beginning with rain, queues, school uniforms and the ancient national custom of having strangers explain your family to you Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly delighted to be back in Britain, where Prince Archie, 7, and Princess Lilibet, 5, have started the new school…