Bachelors demand exemption from “unreasonable” job and toothbrush requirements
LONDON, ENGLAND – Thousands of British men are reportedly abandoning Tinder and Bumble after discovering that women have introduced a bewildering list of romantic expectations, including regular employment, personal hygiene, emotional maturity and the ability to communicate without producing an unsolicited photograph of their reproductive anatomy.
The crisis follows the circulation of 40 spectacular dating-app conversations, prompting Britain’s bachelors to demand protection from what they describe as the excessive regulation of modern romance.
“What happened to the good old days when a man could approach a woman, tell her she looked nice and immediately explain his opinions about immigration?” asked Gary Thompson, a 34-year-old unemployed fitness enthusiast from Croydon.
“Now she wants to know whether I’ve got a job, whether I live alone and whether I’ve ever been arrested. It’s practically a mortgage application.”
Dating Association Demands Protection From Female Standards
A newly formed organisation, the British Association of Romantically Disadvantaged Gentlemen, has accused women of setting standards so demanding that millions of men are being shut out of the dating market through no fault of their own, apart from the faults themselves. Its chairman, Darren Mitchell, said women had turned romance into an expensive administrative exercise.
“First she wants you to shower. Then she expects you to listen. Before you know it, you’re spending an entire evening pretending to care about her day.”
Mitchell argued that relationships should run on free-market principles. “A woman should be free to choose any man she wants, provided that man is me.” The association has called for a romantic regulatory impact assessment before women introduce any further requirements. Members particularly object to the expectation that men remember the names of their partners’ friends.
“There’s Sarah, the tall one, Sarah with the glasses, and the other Sarah who hates me,” complained Mitchell. “How much information is one person supposed to retain?”
Why Men Get Fewer Messages on Dating Apps: Scientists Investigate
Research suggests the loneliness behind the complaints is genuine, even when the proposed solutions are ridiculous. According to Pew Research Center, 64 percent of American men who had recently used dating platforms said they had felt insecure about the lack of messages they received. British bachelors took this as definitive proof that women are conspiring to ignore them.
Social scientists have suggested an alternative explanation: women may simply be reluctant to reply to men whose opening messages run “Hi”, then “Hi again”, then “Why aren’t you responding?” and finally a seven-paragraph denunciation of modern feminism.
Thompson rejected this theory. “I sent a woman four messages yesterday and she never replied,” he said. Asked what the messages contained, he explained that the first was a greeting, the second requested a photograph, the third questioned her intelligence and the fourth accused her of destroying Western civilisation.
“Women don’t appreciate persistence anymore.”
Housing Crisis Forces Men to Rebrand Living With Mum
The Office for National Statistics reports in its figures on young adults living with their parents that around 35 percent of British men aged 20 to 34 lived with their parents in 2025, compared with roughly 22 percent of women in that age group.
The figures have prompted an important development in dating terminology. Men who previously admitted to living with their mothers now describe themselves as residing in multigenerational family properties. Those sleeping in childhood bedrooms have adopted the phrase “heritage accommodation”. A man whose mother washes his underwear is now enjoying a comprehensive domestic support package.
Kevin Barker, 31, from Ealing, insists his arrangements demonstrate financial intelligence. “I don’t pay rent, I don’t buy food, and somebody does all my washing. That’s not dependency. That’s outsourcing.”
Asked whether his mother approves of his romantic activities, Barker explained that she allows women to visit provided they remove their shoes and leave before EastEnders. He regards this as the ideal foundation for marriage.
Bachelors Demand Equality in Romantic Expectations
Campaigners argue that women enjoy considerable advantages in the modern dating economy. A woman can receive hundreds of messages without leaving her sofa, while a man must construct a carefully worded introduction merely to receive a reply of “lol”.
Mitchell compared the situation to applying for a job at the Bank of England. “You’ve got to demonstrate qualifications, experience, confidence and future earning potential. And even after all that, she might choose someone taller.”
Critics counter that height is not the only consideration and that declaring women a collective enemy generally dents one’s romantic prospects. Mitchell dismissed this as political correctness. He has proposed that every man receive a guaranteed minimum of three dates per calendar year, funded through general taxation. Opponents note that compelling women to take part would be objectionable. Mitchell agreed that participation must remain voluntary, while insisting that any woman who declines his invitation should explain herself in writing.
National Campaign Urges Men to Become Dateable
A competing movement has proposed a more radical approach: men might improve their prospects by becoming people women enjoy spending time with. Its recommendations include washing regularly, asking questions, developing interests beyond football, respecting boundaries and treating rejection as an ordinary part of life.
Traditionalists gave it a hostile reception. “If we give women everything they want,” Thompson warned, “where does it end? Eventually they might expect us to be decent human beings.”
Some men have experimented with the new approach anyway. In Sheffield, a 29-year-old electrician reportedly secured a second date after asking a woman about her interests and listening to the answer. In Bristol, a man kept a conversation going for 47 minutes without mentioning his ex. In Nottingham, one bachelor achieved national recognition after washing his own bedsheets without being told to. Marriage counsellors called it encouraging evidence that progress remains possible.
Mitchell was unimpressed. “I just think it’s unfair,” he said. “My granddad never had to learn emotional intelligence.”
His grandfather, reached for comment, confirmed this.
“That’s why your grandmother divorced me, you idiot.”
Five Humorous Observations
- “She wants to know if I’ve got a job.” Yes, Gary, that’s the question. It’s on page one. It’s the first page. There is no page two until you’ve got the job.
- Living with your mum isn’t “outsourcing.” Outsourcing is when you pay somebody. You’ve just got a woman who has loved you since 1993 and hasn’t yet worked out how to evict you.
- Four messages, no reply. Greeting, photo request, insult, civilisation collapse. That’s not persistence, mate. That’s a hostage negotiation where you’re both the hostage and the guy with the gun.
- “Sarah, the tall one, Sarah with the glasses, and the other Sarah who hates me.” Congratulations, you’ve just described every office in Britain and also the Cabinet.
- He wants three guaranteed dates a year paid for by the taxpayer. That’s not a dating policy. That’s the NHS for people who’ve never been touched by it.
SOURCE: AOL: 40 Wild Tinder and Bumble Screenshots
The London Prat | prat.UK. Satirical journalism. Associations, chairmen and bachelors are fictional; cited research is real. This disclaimer owns a toothbrush, holds down a steady job and still could not get a match, so bachelors seeking an exemption from soap should take it up with our UK satirical news instead.
Alan Nafzger was born in Lubbock, Texas, the son Swiss immigrants. He grew up on a dairy in Windthorst, north central Texas. He earned degrees from Midwestern State University (B.A. 1985) and Texas State University (M.A. 1987). University College Dublin (Ph.D. 1991). Dr. Nafzger has entertained and educated young people in Texas colleges for 37 years. Nafzger is best known for his dark novels and experimental screenwriting. His best know scripts to date are Lenin’s Body, produced in Russia by A-Media and Sea and Sky produced in The Philippines in the Tagalog language. In 1986, Nafzger wrote the iconic feminist western novel, Gina of Quitaque. He currently lives in Holloway, North London. Contact: [email protected]
