Tag: London

Business Culture History News Tourism

City of London Protecting Tower Views

Oeko Angebot

City of London Warns Protecting Tower Views Could Make Skyscrapers Unviable Economics Students Discover Supply, Demand and Extremely Expensive Sunlight as Henry VIII Reportedly Delights That His Property Portfolio Still Controls the Market Economics students across Britain received an unexpected practical lesson this week after the City of London warned that stronger protection of views around the Tower of London could make some skyscraper developments commercially unviable. For generations, economics teachers have struggled to…

Governance Culture Political Social

Councillor Fortifies Front Door

Violet Woolf

Councillor Fortifies Front Door After Discovering the Internet Contains Opinions Ministry of Approved Disagreement confirms dissent remains legal between 2:15 and 2:17 on Wednesdays, subject to stamp duty Britain’s local democracy entered a new golden age this week after a district councillor discovered that members of the public are still allowed to speak, some of them without filling in a consultation portal first. The councillor, an invented everyman we shall…

Political Governance Social

The Left’s Plan to Terrify Conservatives

Camden Rose

Britain’s Left Unveils Bold Plan to Terrify Conservatives Political tolerance upgraded to convenient new system in which disagreement remains completely free, provided nobody actually disagrees LONDON — Britain’s more excitable revolutionaries have apparently discovered a bold new interpretation of political tolerance: everyone is welcome to participate in democracy, including Conservatives, provided the Conservatives understand that participation may now include reinforced doors, CCTV cameras, panic alarms and occasionally wondering whether answering the…

America International Political

Donald Trump Shoots the Messenger

Bethan Morgan

Trump Bans the Press: The King Shoots the Messenger Again From a sofa in London we watch Washington rediscover the oldest trick in politics: sack the courier, keep the crisis WASHINGTON — For most of human history, rulers confronted bad news using a simple communications strategy. They killed the person who brought it. It was crude. It was violent. It was *terrible for staff retention*. Fortunately, civilisation has progressed. The modern…

Culture Relationships Royals

Failing to Get Over Chelsy Davy

Caitlin Moran

British Tabloids Enter 21st Year of Failing to Get Over Chelsy Davy Chelsy Davy Moved On in 2011. Fleet Street Is Still Parked Outside With the Engine Running Friends of the British tabloid press have expressed growing concern that, more than two decades after first laying eyes on Chelsy Davy, the industry still hasn’t moved on. She has. Comprehensively. The 40-year-old qualified as a solicitor, retrained as a gemologist, founded…

America Culture International

Houthis Target Saudi Capital

AMW

Houthis Target Saudi Capital, Google Maps Introduces Exciting New Route: ‘Avoid Ballistic Missiles’ Riyadh Residents Receive Ballistic Missile Air-Raid Alerts, Immediately Regret Ever Clicking ‘Allow Notifications’ Residents of Riyadh discovered this weekend that the worst possible consequence of clicking “Allow Notifications” is apparently not receiving seventeen promotional messages from a shawarma restaurant. It is discovering that your government has something considerably more urgent to discuss. Saudi authorities issued danger alerts…

Technology Business Culture International

Anthropic Warns AI Could Control Civilisation

Bethan Morgan

Anthropic Warns AI Could Control Civilisation; China Downloads It, Britain Forms a Committee Washington Panics, Beijing Races, Westminster Schedules a Consultation The international campaign to persuade China that artificial intelligence is extraordinarily powerful, potentially civilisation-altering and perhaps decisive in determining which nations dominate the twenty-first century has hit an unexpected snag. Chinese researchers keep responding, “You had us at extraordinarily powerful.” Britain, meanwhile, has asked for the minutes to be…

Technology Culture Entertainment Lifestyle

Cyberpunk 2077 Wasn’t a Warning

Chelsea Bloom

Cyberpunk 2077 Wasn’t a Warning, It Was a Development Plan Humanity Spent Decades Fearing Corporate Dystopia Before Realising It Comes With Better Jackets, Faster Cars and Extremely Good Lighting In Night City, economists, philosophers and public-policy experts suffered a major setback this week after ordinary people examined the supposedly horrifying future depicted in Cyberpunk 2077 and discovered that, compared with life in modern Britain, it appears to include several attractive upgrades. For years,…

Royals Culture Lifestyle

Diana’s Bodyguard Says Everyone May Be Telling the Truth

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Diana’s Bodyguard Says Everyone May Be Telling the Truth, Britain Immediately Runs Out of Truth Former protection officer Ken Wharfe introduces revolutionary concept that two people can remember the same royal conversation differently, forcing British tabloids to evacuate newsroom LONDON — Britain’s decades-long effort to determine precisely what every member of the Royal Family meant during every conversation involving Princess Diana entered dangerous new territory this week after former bodyguard…

Culture Health Relationships Social

Londoners Told How to Make New Friends

Fiona MacLeod

Londoners Told to Make New Friends by Talking to Strangers, Metropolitan Police Asked to Monitor Situation Experts Recommend Eye Contact, Repeated Meetings and Other Activities Previously Considered Un-British A new guide explaining how adults can make friends has reached Britain, causing concern throughout London after suggesting that grown people might deliberately speak to strangers. The advice comes from Real Simple’s guide to making friends as an adult, and on paper it…

Culture Governance News

Billionaire Loses Confidence in Government

Astrid Holgersson

Billionaire Loses Confidence in Government, Britain Announces Confidence Remains Available on NHS Waiting List Ratcliffe Says UK Is ‘On the Slide,’ Treasury Announces Exciting New Tax on Slides Billionaire industrialist Sir Jim Ratcliffe has declared that Britain is “on the slide,” prompting HM Treasury to reassure markets that slides remain perfectly legal provided users register for Slide Duty, complete Form SL1 and pay the newly introduced Recreational Downward Motion Levy.…

Culture News

Billionaire Loses Confidence in Britain

Asha Mwangi

Billionaire Loses Confidence in Britain, Britain Checks and Discovers It Is Still There Sir Jim Ratcliffe Declares UK Finished, Nation Somehow Opens for Business Again Monday Morning Billionaire industrialist Sir Jim Ratcliffe has announced that he has lost confidence in Britain, prompting Britain to conduct an emergency inventory Saturday morning and discover, somewhat embarrassingly, that the entire country was still there. Scotland remained attached. Wales had not floated away. The…

Culture Current Absurdities

Tube Passengers Set New Record

Morag Sinclair

Tube Passengers Set New Record for Standing Perfectly Still While the Train Moves, TfL Calls It a Service Enhancement Archaeologists have already established that Londoners have complained about the journey since before the journey had rails. This week they complained while not moving their feet, which officials have logged as engagement. Somewhere between Earl’s Court and a philosophical position LONDON — Transport for London has not, in any official document, claimed…

Current Absurdities Culture Tourism

Britain Introduces a Tourist Tax

Isabel Navarro

Britain Introduces a Tourist Tax So Visitors Can Finally Contribute to the Cost of Being Told They Are Doing It Wrong A five per cent overnight levy is being prepared so that people who sleep somewhere other than their own house can help fund the experience of being frowned at in a breakfast room. LONDON — Labour mayors have been given, or are about to be given, the power to charge…

Governance News Social

Burnham Announces Britain Is More Than London

Isla Campbell

Prime Minister Burnham Announces Britain Is More Than London, Then Spends the Afternoon Explaining London to the North The new occupant of No. 10 has a mandate to rebalance the country. The country has noticed that the trains to the rebalancing still terminate at Euston. LONDON — Andy Burnham became Prime Minister on the proposition that Britain is more than London. This is true in the same way that a house…

Political Governance

Lord Khan of Tooting Sworn Into Lords

Alan Nafzger

Lord Khan of Tooting Sworn Into Lords While Still Mayor, Raising Questions About Whether One Man Can Queue in Two Buildings Simultaneously Britain’s longest-serving London mayor has accepted a peerage without first leaving the job that made the peerage possible. Constitutional scholars call it efficient. Commuters call it typical. LONDON — Sir Sadiq Khan has taken the oath in the House of Lords as Lord Khan of Tooting and then, according…

Political Business Governance

Reform UK Discovers Foreign Money Is Perfectly Fine

Alan Nafzger

Reform UK Discovers Foreign Money Is Perfectly Fine Provided Nobody Films You Discussing It Undercover footage, a police assessment, two aides suspended at 2:30am, and a keynote delayed by the one force Nigel Farage cannot out-shout: a camera that was already on. LONDON — Reform UK arrived at its own conference with a plan, a slogan, and a hidden microphone it had not invited. By Friday the plan was “fully cooperate,”…

Governance News Social

The Case FOR Reform

Camden Rose

The Case Reform Supporters Think They’re Making A Field Investigation Into Britain’s Newest Political Awakening, Conducted Entirely From a Pub Garden in Kent LONDON – Somewhere between the third pint and the second reference to “the good old days,” Britain’s Reform voters have quietly convinced themselves they are participating in a scientific renaissance. Every policy is now a discovery. Every grievance is now peer-reviewed. And every electricity bill is now,…

Governance Political

Starmer Never Really Left

Alan Nafzger

Burnham Leak: Britain Discovers Starmer Never Really Left A leaked Downing Street bundle suggests the new prime minister is quietly finishing the old prime minister’s homework, files and all LONDON — Britain has changed prime ministers. Britain has not, it turns out, changed hard drives. That is the comic engine underneath a genuinely significant Downing Street leak this week, and the joke is stronger than the lazy version making the rounds…

Culture Political Social

Minimum Intelligence Required to Vote for ANY British Political Party

Alan Nafzger

Scientists Discover Minimum Intelligence Required to Vote for Every British Political Party Laboratory Mouse Given Increasing Quantities of Human Brain Tissue Eventually Spoils Ballot, Moves to Spain and Refuses to Discuss Politics Over Dinner Cambridge Scientists Begin Historic Political Intelligence Experiment LONDON – British scientists have announced a breakthrough in political neuroscience after determining exactly how many functioning human brain cells are required before a laboratory mouse becomes dissatisfied with…

Culture Governance Lifestyle News

The Case AGAINST Reform

Alan Nafzger

The Case Reform Critics Think They’re Making Westminster’s Scientists Grow Increasingly Alarmed by the Side Effects of the Experimental Substance Known as Reform LONDON – Every experiment needs a control group, a hypothesis, and someone willing to sit in a lab coat pretending none of this is personal. This investigation reverses the machinery of the companion piece published alongside it. Here, Reform is not the voter’s discovery. It is the…

America Culture Education International News

Ed Sheeran Boycott Survey

AMW

Ed Sheeran Boycott Survey Finds 12% Can Locate Gaza, 100% Can Locate the Outrage Button 92% of Ed Sheeran Boycotters Attended University, Researchers Still Searching for Evidence It Took LONDON — An entirely unscientific satirical survey of people threatening to boycott Ed Sheeran has produced the most alarming discovery in modern political geography: apparently the human thumb can locate the outrage button considerably faster than the human brain can locate the country being…