Ofcom Launches Inquiry Into Pipes the Poltergeist, 34 Years After Broadcast Britain’s media regulator finally gets round to investigating the BBC’s most notorious haunting, citing “an alarming lack of paperwork” from beyond the grave NORTHOLT — A council house on the fictional Foxhill Drive has once again become the centre of a national panic, not because a malevolent spirit named Pipes is banging on the airing cupboard, but because Ofcom has…
Dracula Opens NHS Dental Practice After Realising Britain Has Greater Need for Fangs Than Blood Count abandons Transylvanian castle for Hounslow surgery with 14,000-patient waiting list — turns out immortality is wasted on anyone who can actually get an appointment From Predator to Provider Count Dracula has abandoned centuries of blood-drinking after discovering a more lucrative opportunity in British dentistry, a sector whose access problems are documented at length by…
Zombie Outbreak Delayed After Undead Refuse Rail Replacement Bus Apocalypse loses momentum between Lewisham and London Bridge — the walking dead, it seems, still won’t stand for a rail replacement service The Apocalypse Meets Planned Engineering Works A major zombie outbreak failed to reach central London Sunday after hundreds of undead passengers encountered planned engineering works of the sort routinely listed on the National Rail engineering works page. The creatures emerged…
Demon Summoned in Westminster Immediately Registers as Lobbyist Ancient Prince of Darkness discovers Parliament already has a visitor pass system — and it’s more efficient than a Faustian bargain Summoned in Flames, Registered by Lunchtime A demon summoned inside Westminster during an occult ceremony has registered as a parliamentary lobbyist after concluding that eternal corruption would be easier through normal channels, the kind now formally logged on the official Register of…
15 Signs London’s Boyfriend Literacy Test Has Already Begun Dating & Relationships LONDON – Dating in the capital now comes with a pop quiz, and the boyfriend literacy test has quietly become the most feared exam since GCSE French. The format is simple. A woman hands her boyfriend a flashcard bearing a fiendish English word or a London place name and records his attempt for posterity. The test began as…
Britain Bans Word Accident From Road Crashes, Government Confident Vocabulary Was Main Thing Killing Motorists Road Safety Board, Implementation Board and Expert Panels assembled as motorists are urged to remain alive until the minutes are approved Britain has unveiled a bold new approach to road safety based on the revolutionary discovery that cars, bicycles, pedestrians and motorcycles become dramatically safer once government has selected the correct vocabulary for whatever just…
The Insanity Defense: Because Murder Apparently Comes With a Psychiatric Customer-Service Desk The Lindsay Clancy Trial Turns a Massachusetts Courtroom Into a Seminar on Whether Planning Counts as Not Knowing What You’re Doing The insanity defense has always occupied a special place in American law. It is the only legal doctrine where a defendant can allegedly plan an activity, wait for privacy, calculate timing, carry out several deliberate acts, conceal…
Ghost Ordered to Pay Council Tax on House He Has Haunted Since 1847 Borough says being dead does not automatically establish single-person occupancy — the afterlife, it turns out, is still Band D 179 Years of Haunting, One Very Live Bill A Victorian ghost haunting a terraced house in Islington has been ordered to pay council tax after officials determined that death does not constitute sufficient evidence that a property…
London Werewolf Fined £160 After Transforming During Congestion-Charge Hours Transport for London confirms lycanthropy does not constitute an exemption, even during a full moon — proving the city’s oldest curse is no match for its newest one: the daily charge A Beast, a Bill, and a Zone A North London werewolf has been fined £160 after transforming inside the Congestion Charge zone, in what campaigners are calling the first known case…
UK Records Hottest Summer Ever at 16.5°C, Spain Sends Britain Emergency Consignment of Perspective Nation discovers average temperatures can sound charming while reservoirs, farms and fire brigades scream quietly in the background LONDON — Britain has recorded its hottest summer since national records began in 1884, with a mean temperature of 16.5°C across June, July and August. The Met Office says the figure surpassed the record set only last year. England, Wales…
Top Twenty Dissertations Submitted by London University Students A Scholarly Review of Academic Brilliance, Institutional Despair, and Footnotes That Should Have Been Stopped by Security LONDON — Universities across London have released their annual list of the top twenty dissertations submitted by students this year, confirming once again that higher education remains Britain’s most expensive method of teaching young people to put the word “liminal” in front of ordinary objects.…
The George Inn, Southwark: Where London Bridge Is Falling Down But The Prices Are Standing Firm Quick Facts: The George Inn, Southwark Address: George Inn Yard, 77 Borough High Street, Southwark, London SE1 1NH Phone: +44 20 7407 2056 Nearest station: London Bridge (2-minute walk) Opening hours: Monday–Thursday 11:00 AM–11:00 PM, Friday–Saturday 11:00 AM–Midnight, Sunday Noon–10:30 PM Owner: National Trust, leased to brewer Greene King Price range: ££ (moderate — you’re paying for the beams as…
England Did the Unthinkable Again — And You Won’t Believe Who Actually Beat Them Nation Proudly Eliminates Only Team It Can Reliably Beat: England LONDON. England has once again demonstrated its unmatched ability to lose a football match that had already begun looking comfortably winnable. Historians confirmed the performance was not so much a defeat by Argentina as another successful installment in Britain’s longest-running sporting tradition: constructing hope with engineering-grade precision…
Teen Terror Suspect Reminds Britain the Internet Continues Producing the Worst Homework Projects Security Officials Note the Internet Remains Undefeated at Producing Bad Ideas Following the arrest of a teenager on terror-related charges, security officials have once again confirmed what parents, teachers, and anyone who has ever glanced at a school laptop’s browser history already knew: the internet remains a relentlessly efficient machine for turning bored fifteen-year-olds into national headlines,…
Anti-Fitness Club Becomes London’s Fastest Growing Club AFC Members Praise Revolutionary Workout Plan: Not Going, Not Trying, Not Feeling Bad About Either LONDON — Deeply Concerning, Finally Honest In a development fitness experts are calling “deeply concerning” and ordinary Londoners are calling “finally honest,” the Anti Fitness Club has become the capital’s fastest growing club after promising members they will never be asked to lift, stretch, sweat, jog, squat, lunge,…
Britain’s Universities Humiliated After Graduates Discover the Plumber Was Right Thousands Spend Three Years Studying Critical Theory Before Critically Reassessing Their Bank Balance By Charlotte Whitmore | London The Study Behind the Humiliation LONDON — Britain’s universities faced an outbreak of institutional embarrassment Friday after new research suggested that one in four graduates may be financially worse off over their lifetimes because they attended university, confirming the long-held suspicion that…
Londoners Abandon Yoga After Discovering Inner Peace Can Be Found Face-Down Mudlarking in Thames Mud Capital’s Hottest Mudlarking Combines Archaeology, Bureaucracy, Social Media Rivalry and the Possibility of Rat-Borne Disease LONDON, ENGLAND — Londoners searching for spiritual tranquillity, historical connection and something unusual to post before lunch have embraced mudlarking, the ancient practice of kneeling beside the Thames and examining objects that everybody else has spent two thousand years trying to lose. According…
London Sugar Babies Rebrand as ‘Financial Compatibility Consultants’ After Gold Digger Tests Poorly With HR Wealthy Dating Scene Discovers Romance Is Still About Love, Provided Love Owns Property in Chelsea LONDON — Britain’s sugar babies have announced that they are no longer sugar babies, gold diggers or women interested in rich men, but financially compatible relationship seekers, bringing transactional dating into the respectable modern era by giving it terminology previously…
London Woman Throws Divorce Party Featuring “Ten Worst Things My Husband Did” Board, Entire Pub Suddenly Qualified as Family-Court Judges Newly divorced Clapham woman celebrates final order with Prosecco, legal advice and Britain’s most terrifying piece of stationery LONDON — A newly divorced London woman has celebrated the end of her marriage by inviting 43 friends to a Clapham pub and unveiling a large presentation board entitled “The Ten Worst…
London Friends Discover Friendship Now Includes Free Childcare, Van Hire, Graphic Design and a Spare Bedroom Capital Introduces Revolutionary Economic System in Which Everything Costs Money Except Your Friends LONDON — A social crisis is spreading across the capital after thousands of Londoners reportedly discovered that having talented friends provides roughly the same benefits as owning several small businesses, except none of the businesses need to be paid. The phenomenon…
Londoners Discover Making Friends After 30 Requires Six Calendars, Three Pints and an Act of Parliament Therapists say adult friendship requires repeated contact, vulnerability and effort. Londoners say Tuesday the 19th might work, provided nobody lives south of the river. LONDON — A new discussion about why adults find it so difficult to make friends has raised alarm across London, where millions of people have spent decades perfecting a social…
Royal Funeral for Andrew, Proving Cancel Culture Ends at the Cemetery Gates Andrew Stripped of Royal Titles but Apparently Keeps the Funeral Loyalty Points LONDON — Britain has apparently discovered the precise constitutional boundary of cancel culture: it stops approximately six feet underground. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, stripped of prominent royal roles and pushed firmly toward the ornamental shrubbery of public life, reportedly remains included in long-standing funeral planning arrangements capable of producing…
London Wedding Guests Identify Exact Moment Marriage Will Fail, Quietly Open Betting Market Before the Cake Is Cut Groom ignores bride’s request and smears cake across her face; guests immediately shorten matrimonial odds from 20–1 to “solicitors by Thursday” By The London Prat Social Affairs Desk LONDON — Wedding guests across Britain are sharing the precise moments they realised a newly married couple would not remain married, inspired by accounts…
London Bride Discovers Wedding Guest Posed With Her Bouquet, Metropolitan Police Establish Major Floral-Crimes Unit Six months after the ceremony, an Instagram photograph reveals that a cousin briefly handled the bride’s flowers without permission, plunging west London into its gravest constitutional crisis since someone wore white to a hen party By The London Prat Social Affairs Desk LONDON — A London bride has demanded answers, accountability and possibly a public…
King Charles Demands to Know Where Every Carrot Came From, Says Nothing About Where the Crown Jewels Came From Monarch traces every parsnip to its ancestral soil while palace officials discourage similar inquiries into titles, fortunes and a certain absent prince LONDON — King Charles III wants to know exactly where every ingredient on his plate originated, according to his former head chef, Visen Anenden. The King favours seasonal produce…
Child Completes Final Year of Daycare, Parents Declared Emotionally Unprepared for Kindergarten Preschool graduate masters letters, numbers and independent toileting while mother and father continue failing basic separation skills LONDO — A five-year-old Massachusetts child has successfully completed her final year of nanny care, daycare and preschool, prompting educators to confirm that she is ready for kindergarten while her parents may require another year at home. According to caregivers, little…
UK Time Now: Pub O’Clock Britain replaces Greenwich Mean Time with the only national standard its citizens have consistently respected LONDON — Britain has formally introduced “Pub O’Clock” after government researchers discovered that Greenwich Mean Time was accurate, internationally respected and therefore completely incompatible with modern public administration. Under the new system, the question “What is the UK time now?” will no longer produce a precise numerical answer. Instead, citizens…
Secret Sussex Divorce Strategy Leaks, Confirming the Couple Still Cannot Keep Anything Secret The couple reportedly explores separate futures as Netflix prepares a tasteful eight-part documentary about who gets custody of the grievances By Royal Correspondence Desk Montecito Sources Describe a Marriage Running on Two Separate Calendars MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle may have finally discovered the one project capable of restoring worldwide interest in the Sussex…
Royal Family Attends Balmoral Church After Sussex Return News, Vicar Adds Emergency Prayer for Group Chat Privacy Windsors gather at Crathie Kirk while palace phones enter airplane mode and the family WhatsApp becomes a protected archaeological site BALMORAL — The Royal Family has attended church near Balmoral days after news of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s expected return to Britain, prompting the vicar to add a special intercession. “Deliver…
British Couple Parts Ways at Security, Accidentally Enjoys First Peaceful Holiday in Seventeen Years Gatwick pioneers temporary marital separation as travel experts confirm that love is patient, love is kind, and love should never follow its spouse into duty-free By The London Prat Travel Desk GATWICK, ENGLAND — A British couple who temporarily separated after passing through airport security have accidentally enjoyed their first peaceful holiday in seventeen years, lending…
