Category: Lifestyle

America Current Absurdities Entertainment Lifestyle Social

Harry and Meghan Plan UK Return

Isabel Navarro

Harry and Meghan Plan UK Return, Britain Checks Palace Attic for Spare Emotional Baggage Sussexes reportedly consider moving the family back as royal reconciliation acquires school uniforms, security invoices and a production schedule. LONDON — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly considering a return to Britain, with questions continuing over security arrangements and British schooling for their children, according to The Independent’s coverage of the Sussexes’ possible UK move. The reverse…

Culture Governance Lifestyle Social

Racism and Sexism Are Now Normalised

Alan Nafzger

Labour Minister Says Racism and Sexism Are Now Normalised, Britain Forms Queue to Decide Who Is Most Offended Equalities debate reaches the mature stage where every political disagreement becomes evidence of national moral collapse. LONDON — Equalities Minister Bridget Phillipson says racism and sexism have become normalised in Britain, fuelled partly by social media and inflammatory political rhetoric, according to The Guardian’s interview with the equalities minister. Britain responded by politely forming…

Bad Taste Current Absurdities Education Lifestyle Social

London Newspaper (The Prat) Killed Professor With Punchlines

Alan Nafzger

Burnham’s Arday Investigation Targets Prat.uk, Claims Satirical Newspaper Killed Professor With Several Unlicensed Punchlines London Prat rejects accusation, producing airtight alibi that entire editorial board was three blocks away having a pint The London Prat Political Desk LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has called for national reflection following the death of former Cambridge professor Jason Arday, whose death police have said is not being treated as suspicious, according to…

Technology Business Lifestyle News

Artificial Intelligence Disrupts Economy

Isla Campbell

Artificial Intelligence Disrupts Economy by Producing Infinite Supply of Things Nobody Wants Tech Industry Spends Trillions Teaching Computers to Create Merchandise Worth Almost Nothing LONDON — Artificial intelligence has achieved what economists once considered impossible: an unlimited supply of products accompanied by almost no demand. According to Futurism’s report on the collapsing value of AI-generated merchandise, AI creations now represent roughly one in six models uploaded to the 3D marketplace…

America Entertainment Food Lifestyle

Meghan Markle Hits 22% Approval in Britain

Roper Penberthy

Meghan Markle Hits 22% Approval in Britain, Immediately Announces 78% of Country Simply Hasn’t Heard Her Side Yet Netflix reportedly standing by with enough cameras to make absolutely certain they hear it LONDON — Meghan Markle has reportedly responded to a British favourability rating of just 22% by concluding that the remaining 78% of the population must simply require additional Meghan Markle. It is a strategy familiar to anyone who…

Culture Health Lifestyle

Viagra Discovers It May Fight Cancer

Alan Nafzger

Viagra Discovers It May Fight Cancer, Immediately Demands Promotion From Bedroom Pill to National Treasure Little Blue Tablet Takes Second Job in Oncology While NHS Prepares a Waiting List for Optimism Viagra’s Unexpected Promotion to the Boardroom TEL AVIV, ISRAEL — Viagra, the little blue pill traditionally associated with romantic optimism, awkward late-night adverts and couples who somehow own outdoor bathtubs, may have discovered an entirely different calling. Researchers report…

Culture Education Lifestyle Social

“Professor” Jason Arday

Alan Nafzger

Cambridge Professor Resigns After Plagiarism Allegations, Insists Originality Is a Colonial Construct University Discovers Celebrated Academic May Have Borrowed More Than the Library Books CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND — Cambridge University is reconsidering the traditional relationship between authors and their own sentences after Professor Jason Arday resigned amid allegations involving plagiarism and disputed elements of his public biography. The allegations, his denials and the reported findings of an earlier university investigation are…

Culture Current Absurdities Family Governance Lifestyle News Social

Free Childcare Lets Parents Work Longer Hours

Alan Nafzger

Free Childcare Lets Parents Work Longer Hours to Pay the Tax That Funds Free Childcare Westminster has unveiled what officials are calling “the most elegant policy loop since the invention of the roundabout,” expanding the 30 hours free childcare scheme to nearly every working parent in the country, on the strict condition that those parents now work considerably more hours to pay for it. “It’s genuinely revolutionary,” said a spokesperson for the…

Royals Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Royal Marriage Declared Dead

Caitlin Moran

Royal Marriage Declared Dead After Princess Fails to Submit Mandatory Anniversary Emoji Celebrity Media Converts Silence Into Testimony, Privacy Into Suspicion and Personal Distress Into a Quarterly Growth Strategy LONDON — Princess Beatrice has reportedly “finally sent a message” concerning rumours about her marriage, according to a StyleCaster headline syndicated via Yahoo asking whether her relationship with Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi is “hanging by a thread.” The evidence appears to consist largely of…

America Family Lifestyle

Wisconsin Socialist Cancels Thanksgiving

Alan Nafzger

Wisconsin Socialist Cancels Thanksgiving, Replaces Turkey With State-Distributed Tofu Francesca Hong Seeks to Govern Wisconsin Despite Reportedly Being Frightened by Wisconsin MADISON, Wisconsin — Wisconsin gubernatorial candidate Francesca Hong is facing criticism after a deleted 2020 social-media post resurfaced in which she called for Thanksgiving to be cancelled, described the holiday as a celebration of colonialism, and connected it to historical harm against Indigenous people. Other resurfaced remarks reportedly included…

America Culture Entertainment Lifestyle

Britain Imports Powerball

Oeko Angebot

  Britain Imports Powerball, Finally Gains Access to American-Size Disappointment Nation That Cannot Predict Tuesday’s Train Now Confidently Predicts Six Random Balls in Florida LONDON — Britain has strengthened its special relationship with the United States by importing Powerball, an American lottery capable of producing jackpots exceeding £1 billion, along with disappointment large enough to require its own postcode. UK players now compete for the same enormous jackpot as Americans, although…

Entertainment Lifestyle

BBC Discovers What a Coup Feels Like

Violet Woolf

BBC Discovers What a Coup Feels Like, Immediately Commissions Three Documentaries About It LONDON – After decades of reporting on coups, palace intrigues and political purges around the globe, the BBC this week experienced the exhilarating novelty of wondering whether one had broken out in Broadcasting House. The resignation of senior executives following the Trump speech editing controversy has reportedly left the corporation gripped by whispers of internal betrayal, strategic…

Entertainment Lifestyle

Ros Atkins Explains the BBC to the BBC

Alan Nafzger

Ros Atkins Explains the BBC to the BBC, BBC Declares Explanation Fair and Balanced LONDON – Following a week in which senior executives resigned, newspapers declared civil war inside Broadcasting House and half the country briefly became media ethicists, the BBC unveiled its ultimate emergency response. Ros Atkins. The corporation announced that only one man possessed the calm voice, animated graphics and emotional stability required to explain the BBC’s crisis…

Culture Lifestyle Social

Britain Welcomes Fourth Heatwave

Alan Nafzger

Britain Welcomes Fourth Heatwave With Traditional Ceremony of Blaming the Wrong Government Nation confronts 35-degree temperatures by purchasing disposable barbecues and asking why nobody issued a warning about fire The Fourth Heatwave Arrives, Right on Schedule LONDON, ENGLAND — Britain entered its fourth heatwave of the summer amid drought conditions, health alerts and serious wildfire concerns, with temperatures forecast to reach approximately 35C in parts of England. Fire chiefs urged…

Business Environment Lifestyle Sports

Heatwave Forces Britons to Purchase Shorts

Fiona MacLeod

Retail Sales Rise as Heatwave Forces Britons to Purchase Shorts They Will Wear Twice Garments Expected to Return to Wardrobes Immediately After August Rain Arrives Sideways A Heatwave-Driven Rise in Retail Sales LONDON, England — British retail sales unexpectedly rose in June after a heatwave forced millions of citizens to purchase shorts for two afternoons, one barbecue and an optimistic weekend booking in Bournemouth. Official estimates show retail sales volumes…

Culture Entertainment Lifestyle Social

Government Loudly Blames Spain

Hannah Miller

Government Activates National Crisis Plan: Close Curtains, Complain Loudly and Blame Spain Emergency Cobra Meeting Agrees Britain Is Too Hot and Continental Europe Probably Sent It LONDON, England — The government has activated Britain’s traditional heatwave response after forecasters warned that temperatures could exceed 30°C across southern England. The plan contains three stages: close the curtains, complain to anyone within hearing distance and blame warm air arriving from Spain for entering…

Culture Health Lifestyle

Britain Issues Emergency Heat Alert

Siobhan O’Donnell

Britain Issues Emergency Heat Alert After Thermometer Reaches Temperature Known Elsewhere as Tuesday Nation Responds to 30°C by Removing Shirts, Purchasing Fans and Forgetting Vulnerable Neighbours LONDON, England — Health authorities issued yellow heat-health alerts across several English regions after temperatures threatened to reach 30°C, a reading that caused Britain to activate emergency procedures normally reserved for invasion, royal funerals and supermarket shortages of ice lollies. Officials warned that prolonged heat…

Culture International Lifestyle News

Berlin Police Cancel Extremist

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

Berlin Police Cancel Extremist’s Plans After He Brings Knife to Gunfight and Theology to Pride Parade Islamist Pride attacker discovers that German firearms law contains an unusually firm exception for charging police officers with a blade Pride Attacker Promised Paradise After Death, Receives Infernal Customer-Service Upgrade BERLIN, GERMANY: A suspected Islamist extremist accused of driving a vehicle into crowds near Berlin’s Pride celebrations, killing one person and injuring dozens, was…

Business Culture Health Lifestyle Relationships

Mounjaro Injection Receipts

Judi Online

London Firms Replace CVs and Dating Profiles With Weekly Mounjaro Injection Receipts New Research Suggests Weight Loss Improves Women’s Chances of Finding Work and Partners, Prompting Britain to Put Boots in Charge of Social Mobility A new economic study suggests women who lose weight using GLP-1 medications become substantially more likely to find employment or enter a relationship, confirming that modern society can recognise a woman’s intelligence, personality and professional…

Current Absurdities Lifestyle News Relationships Social

Women’s Vices Matter

Emily Cartwright

Women’s Vices Matter: London Campaign Demands Equal Access to Bad Habits New movement says equality means women deserve the same freedom as men to gamble, drink, lie about golf and expense a hotel minibar LONDON — A New Front in the Equality Wars Women’s voices matter? Not quite! It’s the “vices” that matter! — Alan Nafzger A new campaign called Women’s Vices Matter has launched in central London, demanding that…

Culture Lifestyle Social Tourism

Catchpenny London

Caitlin Moran

London’s Catchpenny Renaissance: A City That Charges You for Looking By The London Prat | Satire London has always had a talent for turning nothing into something you’ll pay for. Historians call this catchpenny — a word first recorded in 1705 to describe cheap, showy items designed purely to separate a fool from his coin. Three centuries on, the tradition hasn’t just survived. It’s been promoted to national policy. London Council Unveils…

Business Lifestyle

French Polishing London

Mei Lin Chen

French Polishing London: Capital Discovers Furniture Can Receive Better Reputation Management Than Its Owners London’s scratched tables, traumatised sideboards and politically exposed mahogany are receiving shellac, counselling and a second chance LONDON — Demand for French Polishing London services is rising as householders discover that old furniture can be repaired, revived and returned to respectable society, unlike most people appearing before a parliamentary committee. Traditional French polishing involves applying many…

Family Health International Lifestyle

Brisbane Couple Welcomes Identical Quadruplets

Fiona MacLeod

Brisbane Couple Welcomes Identical Quadruplets As Universe Finally Masters Ctrl+V Family of Six Becomes Family of Ten Overnight; Washing Machine Applies for Asylum in a Quieter Household By Tinsel Vandergraph | Brisbane, Australia (filed for Prat.uk by our Antipodean Correspondent, who is frankly relieved this happened to someone else) When Nature Presses the Wrong Button An Australian couple who had politely informed the universe that their family was “finished, thank…

Bad Taste Current Absurdities Health Lifestyle

London Escorts Group Launches Premium Service

Roper Penberthy

London Escorts Group Launches Premium Service for People Too Frightened to Walk Past a Pret A Manger Alone Capital’s newest companionship package offers discretion, navigation and emergency emotional support whenever the bill arrives. London Escorts Group has launched a premium companionship service for residents who possess the financial confidence to order champagne but lack the emotional resilience to walk alone past three consecutive branches of Pret A Manger. The company…

Royals America Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Harry Allowed to Meet King

Astrid Holgersson

Harry Allowed to Meet King After Agreeing Not to Turn Conversation Into Six-Part Documentary Palace officials confiscate one memoir manuscript, three lapel microphones and a producer disguised as a ceremonial footman LONDON — Prince Harry has reportedly been permitted to meet King Charles after passing an unusually thorough palace security inspection and signing a legally binding promise not to transform the private conversation into a six-part documentary, a twelve-episode podcast or a…

Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Andy Burnham’s Wife

Charlotte Whitmore

Andy Burnham’s Wife Enters Downing Street, Britain Immediately Promotes Her Dress to Cabinet Marie-France van Heel becomes Britain’s newest unofficial “first lady,” despite the country having no such office and her apparently committing the constitutional outrage of possessing her own career LONDON — Andy Burnham’s wife, Marie-France van Heel, accompanied Britain’s new prime minister to Buckingham Palace and Downing Street on Monday, instantly triggering a national investigation into her dress,…

Tourism Current Absurdities Lifestyle Social

London’s Emergency Mediterranean Status

Emily Cartwright

London Reaches 29°C, Entire City Applies for Emergency Mediterranean Status Councils Scramble to Rebrand Roundabouts as “Piazzas” As temperatures in the capital nudged a blistering 29°C — roughly the internal temperature of a packed Central Line carriage on any ordinary February morning — Londoners have responded with the only reasonable course of action available to a nation with four working air conditioners: total societal collapse, followed immediately by ice cream.…

Entertainment Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle Social

Murder at Road Hill House

Caitlin Moran

Murder at Road Hill House: Local Council Blames the Butler, the Badger, and Brexit Wiltshire Council has reopened the 1860 murder of young Saville Kent at Road Hill House, and in a statement released late Tuesday, a council spokesperson confirmed the killer was “almost certainly the butler, possibly a badger, but most likely something to do with Brexit.” Detective Inspector Jack Whicher, dragged out of retirement and out of a…

Culture Lifestyle Relationships Social

London’s Six-Month “We’ll Definitely Do Drinks” Queue

Camden Rose

London Woman Discovers She Wasn’t Being Ghosted, She Was Merely Stuck in London’s Six-Month “We’ll Definitely Do Drinks” Queue LONDON — A London marketing executive has reportedly spent three months believing she was in the early stages of a promising romance before discovering she had, in fact, accidentally enrolled herself in Britain’s least efficient institution: the modern London dating scene. Friends say the confusion is understandable, since the early symptoms of…

Current Absurdities Entertainment Lifestyle

Director Solves The Odyssey Problems

Caitlin Moran

Director Solves The Odyssey Problems by Ignoring People Who Haven’t Seen the Film Critics Furious Christopher Nolan Refuses to Rewrite Three-Hour Epic Based Entirely on Trailer Comments LONDON. Christopher Nolan has reportedly unveiled a revolutionary directing technique: waiting until audiences have actually watched the film before accepting their verdict. The innovation has stunned online critics, many of whom had already published furious blog posts explaining why The Odyssey was an irredeemable disaster after…