Category: International

Business International Technology

China Dismisses American AI Panic

Hannah Miller

China Dismisses American AI Panic, Notes Silicon Valley Has Predicted the Apocalypse Before Every Funding Round Beijing asks why companies building civilization-ending technology keep accepting investment Chinese officials have rejected American warnings about the dangers of China advancing rapidly in artificial intelligence, raising the uncomfortable possibility that Silicon Valley’s newest product may not be artificial intelligence at all, but artificial urgency. The dispute intensified after Anthropic chief executive Dario Amodei argued for…

America International News

Saudi Arabia Asks Trump for Help

Alan Nafzger

Saudi Arabia Asks Trump for Airstrikes, Gets a Limited Warranty Instead Riyadh phones Trump for military help and receives a lot of fine print Saudi Arabia and Trump have just had one of the more instructive phone calls in recent Gulf diplomacy — the kind where one side asks for airstrikes and the other side offers a very detailed apology. Somewhere between the crown prince’s second call to Trump and…

America Culture International News

Canada Seeks EU Associate Status

Lotte Heidenreich

Canada Seeks EU Associate Status After U.S. Trade Talks Collapse, Brussels Immediately Sends 4,000-Page Application Mark Carney Clarifies Canada Does Not Want to Join Europe, Merely Enjoy All the Convenient Parts While Remaining Several Thousand Miles Away Canada is exploring a dramatically closer relationship with the European Union after trade negotiations with the United States collapsed, according to the Wall Street Journal, a geopolitical development suggesting Ottawa has finally responded…

America Culture International News

Trump Visits Ireland

Morag Sinclair

Trump Visits Ireland, Solves 800 Years of History Before Lunch Trump Says Irish Are Friendly and Vicious, Nation Proud President Has Finally Understood the Pub President Donald Trump arrived in Ireland for a two-day visit and promptly wandered into one of Europe’s most delicate constitutional questions with the conversational confidence of a man deciding whether the clubhouse should serve soup. Asked about Irish reunification during a meeting with Taoiseach Micheál…

International News Tourism

Britain Stabs Israel in the Back

Alan Nafzger

Britain Sides with Hamas and Stabs Israel in the Back, Labour Checks Whether the Knife Polls Well in Birmingham Government unveils courageous new Middle East doctrine of sanctioning Israeli settlements while nervously watching Muslim voters, Greens and pro-Gaza independents approach the ballot box Britain dramatically escalated its confrontation with Israel this week by announcing plans to ban imports from Israeli settlements in the West Bank, proving once again that when the…

Business America International Social

Canadian Trade Strategy

Alan Nafzger

Canadian Trade Strategy Relies on Americans Forgetting They Have Farms, Factories and Liquor Stores Ottawa unveils daring economic doctrine under which the United States remains helpless until somebody remembers Wisconsin, Kentucky, Detroit, Texas and the existence of Costco Canada’s increasingly muscular trade strategy toward the United States appears to depend on one crucial assumption: at some point during the dispute, approximately 340 million Americans will collectively forget that their country…

Tourism Governance International News Social

Britain Grounds 2,000 Flights

Alan Nafzger

Britain Grounds 2,000 Flights, Gives Air Traffic Boss One Week to Investigate Suspicious Man in His Mirror State-owned-by-almost-half monopoly celebrates third major disruption in three years by reminding stranded passengers to contact somebody else LONDON, ENGLAND — Britain’s air traffic control system suffered an hours-long failure Tuesday that disrupted approximately 2,000 flights across Tuesday and Wednesday, stranded hundreds of thousands of travellers and caused Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander to summon…

Culture Environment International Social Tourism

Dachshund Researchers Discover Garden Hole Leading to Australia

Alan Nafzger

Dachshund Researchers Discover Garden Hole Leading Directly to Australia, Immediately Bark at Kangaroo Sausage-shaped scientists confirm Australia really is “Down Under” and demand funding for a much larger shovel BRISTOL, ENGLAND — A team of dachshund researchers has discovered that a hole beneath a suburban garden leads directly to Australia, finally proving that geography teachers have been keeping the exciting parts of geography secret. The discovery was made by Professor…

Culture Education International

Chinese Youth Told to Stop Complaining

Alan Nafzger

Chinese Youth Told to Stop Complaining About Jobs, Housing and Marriage, Focus on Adorable Panda Videos Instead Beijing discovers a revolutionary cure for economic anxiety: fewer visible anxious people Chinese authorities appear to be confronting one of the most dangerous threats ever faced by a modern government: citizens comparing official optimism with their personal bank accounts. The inspiration comes from reporting on China’s increasingly gloomy social-media mood and the Communist…

Culture Current Absurdities Governance International Social

London to Rename the Underground

Judi Online

London to Rename the Underground After Star Wars Because the Existing Tube Map Isn’t Confusing Enough TfL reportedly considers turning Bank into the Death Star, Westminster into Coruscant, and replacement buses into Banthas Transport for London is said to be weighing the logical next stage in metropolitan transport development: abandoning geographically useful Underground station names and replacing them with people, planets, weapons, creatures and miscellaneous droids from Star Wars. The proposal…

Governance International News Social

Britain Has Lost the Plot on Israel

Alan Nafzger

Huckabee Says Britain Has Lost the Plot on Israel, Government Announces Plot Will Be Recovered Immediately After Consultation With Every Islamic Group and Not the Jews Whitehall Launches Urgent Search for Missing British Backbone Britain launched an urgent government-wide search for its Middle East foreign policy Saturday after U.S. Ambassador to Israel Mike Huckabee announced that the country had apparently “lost it,” prompting Whitehall officials to check behind the sofa, underneath Ed…

Culture America International News

Netanyahu’s New York Reception

Astrid Holgersson

Mamdani Warns Netanyahu About New York Reception, Israel Replies That Surviving October 7 and Iranian Terror Makes a Brooklyn Protest Seem Like Brunch NYC mayor discovers municipal foreign policy has one tiny limitation: foreign countries do not have to obey it Mayor Zohran Mamdani has warned that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu can expect protests when he arrives in New York for the United Nations General Assembly, apparently transforming City Hall…

Business Governance International News

Netherlands Moves 86 Tonnes of Gold to London

Fiona MacLeod

Netherlands Moves 86 Tonnes of Gold to London for Safety, Britain Delighted Someone Still Thinks It Knows Where the Money Is Dutch Central Bank flees North American geopolitical uncertainty and deposits roughly €10 billion within borrowing distance of the British Treasury Britain received an unexpected vote of international financial confidence after the Netherlands moved 86 tonnes of gold from the United States and Canada to London, instantly making several thousand…

Culture International Tourism

Spain Announces Border Now Completely Secure

Siobhan O’Donnell

Month After 72,000 Migrants Cross Into Ceuta, Spain Announces Border Now Completely Secure Except for the Part Where 72,000 Migrants Crossed It Madrid says most migrants have returned, millions are being spent, committees have been established and normality will resume just as soon as somebody locates it More than a month after an estimated 72,000 migrants crossed from Morocco into the Spanish enclave of Ceuta, Madrid has announced that the…

Current Absurdities International Relationships Royals Tourism

Britain Horrified to Discover Andrew Is Happy

Lotte Heidenreich

Britain Horrified to Discover Andrew Is Happy, Has a Girlfriend and May Be House-Hunting Somewhere Sunny Nation Demands Immediate Investigation Into How Man Stripped of Royal Titles Has Somehow Retained Access to Women, Aeroplanes and Lunch Britain awoke to a fresh constitutional emergency after reports suggested Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor may be committing an act many assumed had been permanently removed along with his royal titles: enjoying himself. The original NewsNation report, as…

Culture History International Social

Burnham, Macron and Charles Admire the Bayeux Tapestry

Cyndi Himmelstiere

Burnham, Macron and Charles Admire the Bayeux Tapestry, Agree Britain-France Relations Have Improved Considerably Since France Shot the King in the Eye Leaders study the Bayeux Tapestry before a migration summit, raising concern that somebody in Downing Street has confused historical background with operating manual Prime Minister Andy Burnham and French President Emmanuel Macron prepared for talks on Channel migration this week by visiting the Bayeux Tapestry, possibly the only…

America International

Milei Cites “Winds of Change” in Falklands

Alan Nafzger

Milei Cites “Winds of Change” in Falklands Push, Britain Notes That Wind Has Also Been Known to Blow Nowhere in Particular A policy review, an old grudge over Iran, and 1,513 voters who really, really meant it The Falklands dispute has roared back into relevance this week after President Trump announced he was reviewing the U.S. position on the islands, a statement that technically means nothing and practically means everything,…

America Governance International News

Renounce Socialism, Keep the Falklands

AMW

Trump Offers UK a Deal: Renounce Socialism, Keep the Falklands Britain asked to choose between the NHS and 3,400 sheep farmers, in what officials are calling “an unusually specific hostage situation” LONDON — The real-world spark for this satire is President Trump’s refusal to guarantee American support for Britain in a future Falklands conflict, saying Britain had not been there for the United States during the Iran war: https://news.sky.com/story/trump-avoids-backing-uk-over-falklands-saying-britain-not-there-to-help-in-iran-13581044. The…

Culture International News

Extremists Do Not Influence Government Policy

Bethan Morgan

Labour Insists Extremists Do Not Influence Government Policy, Immediately Announces Policy Extremists Have Been Demanding Hamas Stays Banned, Hezbollah Stays Banned, and Labour Policy Somehow Concludes the Democracy Is the Appliance Needing Factory Settings Britain has entered a bold new era of Middle East diplomacy in which Hamas remains a proscribed terrorist organisation, Hezbollah remains a proscribed terrorist organisation, Iran-linked hostile groups remain a standing national-security concern, and Labour policy…

Governance International Political

Badenoch Defence Spending Plan

Lotte Heidenreich

Badenoch Defence Spending Plan Finds Same Tenner In Four Sofas Conservatives propose funding an extra £10bn a year for the armed forces using money Labour insists it has already spent twice and promised to a third party LONDON — Kemi Badenoch has proposed lifting British defence spending by roughly £10 billion a year through welfare cuts, housing benefit reform and reinstating the two-child cap, which means Westminster has now entered its…

International

Norway Seizes Russian Ship

Lowri Griffiths

Norway Seizes Russian Ship After Lawyers Stalk It Across Arctic Naftogaz tracks a vessel for months, waits at the watering hole and enforces a $4.22bn award, while Moscow discovers the West’s most terrifying weapon is a collections department OSLO — Nature documentaries have never captured anything quite like it. For months, across the grey wastes of the North Atlantic, the pack moved patiently. It did not hurry. It did not announce…

Business International

Estonia Ammunition Scandal

Margaret Colley

Estonia Ammunition Scandal: €70m Paid To Seller With No Reviews Defence minister Hanno Pevkur resigns after EU money bought artillery shells from firms that had never made artillery shells, in a transaction with all the safeguards of a marketplace listing TALLINN — Estonia’s defence minister Hanno Pevkur has resigned over a €70 million ammunition deal funded through the EU’s European Peace Facility, in which money intended to buy artillery shells for…

Business Culture International

France Tests Tesla FSD

Megan Amram

France Tests Tesla FSD, Objects Software Already Drives Too French Two vehicles sit the French road integration examination after Paris complained the system permits speeding, a privilege the Republic reserves for citizens PARIS — France has begun on-road testing of Tesla’s Full Self Driving system using two vehicles supplied by the company, with results expected in mid to late September ahead of a possible bloc-wide European vote later in the year.…

Culture International Social Tourism

Ceuta Border Surge

Mei Lin Chen

Ceuta Border Surge: Madrid Issues Updated Diplomatic Phrasebook Pedro Sánchez finds no solid proof Morocco orchestrated July’s crossing, days after a police report catalogued a remarkable quantity of things that merely happened to occur MADRID — Spanish prime minister Pedro Sánchez has told parliament there is no solid evidence that July’s mass crossing into Ceuta was planned or carried out by Moroccan authorities, and that no institution, diplomatic service or international…

Culture International

Meloni Government Longevity Record

Morag Sinclair

Meloni Government Longevity Record: Do Not Tap The Glass, Italy At 1,413 days the administration becomes the longest-serving since the war, and has been moved to a climate controlled case with a sign asking visitors not to mention confidence votes ROME — Giorgia Meloni’s government has become Italy’s longest-serving uninterrupted administration since the Second World War, reaching 1,413 days and passing the record set by Silvio Berlusconi between 2001 and 2005.…

Culture Governance International News

Bayeux Tapestry Survives 950 Years

Vivienne Pratfall

Bayeux Tapestry Survives 950 Years of War, Invasion and Politics, Immediately Declared Too Stable to Run Britain Nearly millennium-old embroidery survives conquest, revolution, Nazis and French custody, leaving Westminster concerned it lacks necessary experience in sudden collapse Britain was thrown into an institutional crisis this week after the Bayeux Tapestry arrived at the British Museum and immediately demonstrated a level of stability considered constitutionally suspicious. The approximately 950-year-old embroidered account of the…

America Culture International News

Iran’s Wedding Story

Yasmina Khan

Iran Demands World Believe Its Wedding Story, World Unhelpfully Remembers Tehran Also Said It Didn’t Shoot Down Flight 752 Islamic Republic discovers credibility cannot be enriched to weapons-grade levels after years of storing facts at undeclared locations Iranian officials demanded that the international community immediately believe Tehran’s account of a deadly strike on a wedding celebration, prompting diplomats around the world to perform the ancient diplomatic ritual known as looking…

Current Absurdities Environment International News Social

UN Warns El Niño Is Being “Supersized”

Isabel Navarro

UN Warns El Niño Is Being “Supersized,” McDonald’s Denies Involvement World braces for a historic El Niño as television meteorologists order additional red pixels and UN officials race against time by scheduling meetings about racing against time The United Nations has warned that El Niño is being “supersized,” immediately forcing McDonald’s representatives to clarify that the corporation has neither enlarged the Pacific Ocean nor offered customers the option of adding…

Culture International Technology

Finland Civil Defence Exercise

Alan Nafzger

Finland Civil Defence Exercise Shames Every Garage In Europe More than 2,000 people rehearse cyberattacks and missile threats in Kuopio while the rest of the continent locates its emergency leaflet, finds a QR code, and discovers the website was retired in 2019 HELSINKI — Finland has run Europe’s largest civil defence exercise since the Second World War, with more than 2,000 people including conscripts, volunteers, university students and schoolchildren taking part…

History International

Andy Burnham Abandons Pledge to Return Parthenon Marbles

Isabel Navarro

Andy Burnham Abandons Pledge to Return Parthenon Marbles, Says His Principles Belong to Previous Administration Prime Minister Completes the First Major Restoration of His Political Flexibility While Greece Is Offered a Long-Term Loan of Burnham’s 2023 Parthenon Marbles Opinion LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has reversed his support for returning the Parthenon Marbles to Greece after government experts discovered that statements made before entering Downing Street are not legally classified…