Category: Governance

Entertainment Governance Social

Britain Bans Movie Poster

Isla Campbell

Britain Bans Movie Poster for Being Horrifying, Allows London Underground to Continue Operating Advertising watchdog protects children from picture of mummy while leaving them exposed to fares, delays, escalators and contemporary Britain Britain Bans Horror Poster After Discovering It Contains Horror Regulators Promise Future Scary-Movie Campaigns Will Contain Nothing More Alarming Than Moderate Mortgage Rates LONDON, ENGLAND — Britain’s advertising regulator has banned outdoor posters for Lee Cronin’s The Mummy…

Culture Current Absurdities Family Governance Lifestyle News Social

Free Childcare Lets Parents Work Longer Hours

Alan Nafzger

Free Childcare Lets Parents Work Longer Hours to Pay the Tax That Funds Free Childcare Westminster has unveiled what officials are calling “the most elegant policy loop since the invention of the roundabout,” expanding the 30 hours free childcare scheme to nearly every working parent in the country, on the strict condition that those parents now work considerably more hours to pay for it. “It’s genuinely revolutionary,” said a spokesperson for the…

Culture Current Absurdities Governance

Britain to Lose 96% of the Sun

Hannah Miller

Britain to Lose 96% of the Sun, Government Promises Remaining 4% Will Be Means-Tested Moon Announces Most Successful British Blackout Since the National Grid Began Charging by Direct Debit By Priya Copperfield-Smythe LONDON, ENGLAND — Britain will experience a spectacular partial solar eclipse on Wednesday, August 12, with the Moon obscuring roughly 90% to 96% of the Sun across the country. Maximum eclipse will occur shortly after 7 p.m., providing…

Culture Current Absurdities Governance Social

NHS Adds Summer Crisis to Winter Crisis

Oeko Angebot

NHS Adds Summer Crisis to Winter Crisis, Leaves Spring and Autumn Available for Reviews Health Secretary Yvette Cooper has announced that extreme summer temperatures must now be treated as a recurring pressure on the NHS, on par with the long-dreaded winter crisis. Hospitals are being told to prepare for overheated wards, vulnerable patients in distress, and buildings largely designed for an era when British summer meant reaching for a cardigan…

Governance

Chinook Justice Campaign Calls for a Genuinely Independent Review

AMW

Britain Asked to Investigate Possible Cover-Up Using Investigators Not Responsible for Covering It Up Radical Proposal Would Separate Search for Truth From Department Whose Conduct Requires Examination Chinook Justice Campaign Calls for a Genuinely Independent Review LONDON, England — Families bereaved by the 1994 Mull of Kintyre Chinook crash have proposed that any new investigation be conducted by people not employed by, supervised by or professionally devoted to defending the…

Business Environment Governance

Labour Discovers North Sea Contains Oil

Lotte Heidenreich

Labour Discovers North Sea Contains Oil, Orders Inquiry Into Why Nobody Mentioned This During Energy Crisis Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced that Britain will use North Sea oil and gas “pragmatically,” while insisting the government remains fully committed to its wider net zero and energy transition goals. The statement has been broadly welcomed by industry and unions, cautiously scrutinised by environmental groups, and greeted by the general public with…

Business Family Governance Social

Government Promises 1.5 Million New Homes

Paige Shiver

Government Promises 1.5 Million New Homes, Says Residents Can Share Existing Glass of Water The government’s ambitious pledge to build 1.5 million new homes across England is running into a small but stubborn obstacle: there may not be enough water to fill the taps. Councils and environmental authorities across the south and east of England are warning that drought conditions, ageing reservoirs, and decades of neglected water infrastructure could stall…

Business Governance News

Borrowing Money From Future Economy

Morag Sinclair

Labour Promises to Grow Economy by Borrowing Money From Future Economy Chancellor John Healey is reportedly being urged by allies of Manchester-based Prime Minister Andy Burnham to loosen Britain’s borrowing rules, freeing up cash for housing, infrastructure, and industrial investment ahead of his first budget. Supporters are calling it “growth-friendly fiscal policy.” Critics are calling it “putting the national credit card behind the bar at Wetherspoons and hoping nobody checks…

Governance News Social

Britain Runs Out of Prison Cells

Mei Lin Chen

Britain Runs Out of Prison Cells After Government Spends Twenty Years Making Everything Illegal Whitehall has confirmed what every taxi driver in the country predicted around 2019: England and Wales have run out of places to put criminals. The male prison estate is now operating at roughly 98 percent capacity, with fewer than 2,000 spare cells nationwide, which is not so much a justice system as a very tense game…

Governance News Technology

Tempest: Global Combat Air Programme

Alan Nafzger

Britain, Japan and Italy Build Fighter Jet Combining British Delays, Italian Styling and Japanese Reliability Three nations unite to create a sixth-generation combat aircraft capable of defeating enemy radar, hostile drones and the Treasury’s instinct to cancel everything halfway through WARTON, LANCASHIRE — Britain, Japan and Italy are developing a sixth-generation stealth fighter under the Global Combat Air Programme, known in Britain as Tempest, with the aircraft targeted to enter service from…

International Governance News

Reform UK Plans Largest Channel Operation Since D-Day

Alan Nafzger

Reform UK Plans Largest Channel Operation Since D-Day, Labour Responds With Largest Excuse Since Last Tuesday No boats within a fortnight, forcing Labour ministers to defend the ancient constitutional principle that nothing useful should happen before the consultation ends LONDON — Reform UK has proposed launching the largest British military operation in the English Channel since the Second World War, prompting the Labour government to mobilise three cabinet committees, seven…

Business Governance Social

Britain Launches Kick Static Campaign

Alan Nafzger

Britain Launches Kick Static Campaign to Get Economy Moving Without Disturbing Anyone Important Government promises to defeat stagnation with a new website, twelve task forces and a logo depicting an arrow considering whether to point upward LONDON — Britain has officially launched KickStatic.com, a national campaign encouraging citizens to confront economic stagnation by standing behind it, clearing their throats and asking whether it intends to remain there much longer. The…

News Culture Governance

The Green Party’s Complete and Ever-Expanding Abolition Index

Alan Nafzger

The Green Party’s Complete and Ever-Expanding Abolition Index Everything Britain’s eco-populists have abolished, proposed replacing or placed in the correct recycling bin Green Party Abolishes Nearly Everything, Britain Retains One Reusable Tote Bag for Ceremonial Purposes Zack Polanski announces that the old Britain will be replaced by a citizens’ assembly as soon as somebody finds a village hall available on Thursday LONDON, ENGLAND The Green Party of England and Wales,…

Governance News

Justice Ministry Celebrates Prison Escape Programme

Alan Nafzger

Justice Ministry Celebrates Prison Escape Programme After One Inmate Demonstrates Outstanding Commitment by Handing Himself Back LONDON – The Ministry of Justice this week proudly defended Britain’s prison system after revealing that dozens of prisoners had been released by mistake, while pointing to one remarkable success story. One inmate voluntarily returned. Officials described the development as overwhelming evidence that rehabilitation was finally working. “For decades,” explained one senior civil servant,…

Governance Political

Starmer Leadership Coup Fails

Alan Nafzger

Starmer Leadership Coup Fails After Labour Members Discover Nobody Wants the Job LONDON – Britain briefly enjoyed its favourite national pastime this week: speculating about removing a prime minister before deciding who might replace him. Westminster erupted into another glorious afternoon of anonymous briefings, whispered leadership plots and televised denials after rumours circulated that Sir Keir Starmer faced growing unrest inside his own party. By teatime everyone agreed there was…

Governance Tourism

Government Renegotiates HS2 Contracts to Save Money

Emily Cartwright

Government Renegotiates HS2 Contracts to Save Money on Railway That May Eventually Reach Somewhere Britain reduces cost of high-speed line by considering lower speeds, fewer destinations and a commemorative bus Renegotiation, Constructively Described BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND — HS2 executives and government officials have been attempting to renegotiate major civil-engineering contracts as the project confronts enormous cost increases, delays and continuing uncertainty over its final delivery. The original report on the contract…

Governance Political Social

Harriet Harman

Alan Nafzger

Harriet Harman Suggests Banning Men From Labour Leadership Contest Until Morale Improves Party considers solving decades-long failure to elect a female leader by removing troublesome concept of an election A Bold Plan to Narrow the Field WESTMINSTER, ENGLAND — Labour grandee Harriet Harman has argued that men should be prevented from entering the party’s next leadership election because Labour should finally choose a woman as leader. Harman said the party’s…

Culture Governance History News

Henry VIII Returns to Britain

Alan Nafzger

Henry VIII Returns to Britain, Immediately Booked for Open Mic Night by Desperate Comedy Promoter An eyewitness account, dictated personally by His Majesty King Henry VIII, transcribed under protest by a nervous stenographer who kept asking if this was “a bit.” I woke up on my own grave at Windsor, which I will admit is not how I pictured my triumphant return to England. I had assumed trumpets. I had…

Current Absurdities Governance International Social

Chinook Families Request Fresh Inquiry

Asha Mwangi

Chinook Families Request Fresh Inquiry After Government’s Previous Answers Reach Their 32-Year Expiry Date Bereaved Relatives Discover Official Certainty Lasts Only Until Additional Documents Appear The 1994 Mull of Kintyre Chinook Crash and Its Unresolved Cause LONDON, England — Families of the 29 people killed in the 1994 Mull of Kintyre Chinook crash have requested a fresh independent review after the government’s previous explanations reached the end of their recommended storage period.…

America Governance International News

Trump Explains the Special Relationship

Hannah Miller

The Smaller Dog May Bark: Trump Explains the Special Relationship Using Furniture Bohiney.com — World Desk President Trump has once again reduced 250 years of transatlantic diplomacy to something you’d hear at a dog park, informing new British Prime Minister Andy Burnham that “the smaller dog may bark, but the larger dog controls the sofa.” Foreign policy analysts immediately began arguing about whether this counts as a threat, a compliment,…

Culture Governance Health

NHS Warns It Will Collapse

Hannah Miller

NHS Warns It Will Collapse Unless Government Discovers Elderly People Exist Before They Reach A&E Britain Introduces Revolutionary Policy of Not Waiting Until Grandma Is on a Trolley LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has warned that the NHS could collapse unless England reforms social care, introducing the controversial theory that elderly people continue requiring food, medication and assistance even when they are not standing inside a hospital. Burnham’s Political Capital Gamble…

Culture Governance Health News

Burnham Promises Historic Social-Care Reform

Camden Rose

Burnham Promises Historic Social-Care Reform Immediately After Britain Finishes Reviewing the Previous 47 Reviews Government Orders Urgent Investigation Into Why All Earlier Investigations Remain Unimplemented LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised substantial social-care reform, but Britain’s experienced review-writing community has urged him not to act until the country has completed several additional reviews explaining the recommendations of all previous reviews. The Casey Review and Burnham’s Reform Pledge Burnham…

Food Governance Health

Gatwick Runs Out of Water

Camden Rose

Gatwick Runs Out of Water, Passengers Told £6 Bottles Remain Fully Operational Airport Successfully Preserves Its Most Important Utility: Retail Pricing GATWICK, England — Gatwick Airport briefly lost running water across both terminals after a power failure at a regional treatment facility, leaving toilets unusable and closing bars and restaurants while bottled beverages reportedly retained full commercial pressure. What Actually Caused the Gatwick Water Outage The disruption began after a power outage…

Governance News

Burnham Opens No 10 North

AMW

Burnham Opens No 10 North So Government Can Ignore Britain From Two Convenient Locations Manchester Receives Its Own Branch of Centralised Decentralisation MANCHESTER, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has opened “No 10 North” in Manchester, allowing the British government to misunderstand regional concerns from a dramatically shorter distance. Inside Heron House, the New Home of No 10 North The new government base is located in Heron House and has been presented as…

Culture Current Absurdities Governance News

Five Officers Injured During High-Speed Pursuit

Camden Rose

Five Officers Injured During High-Speed Pursuit of Stationary London Landmark Westminster Bridge Escapes After Remaining Exactly Where Authorities Last Saw It LONDON, England — A Metropolitan Police river patrol ended dramatically after five officers were injured during what authorities have described as an unsuccessful attempt to overtake Westminster Bridge. The police vessel struck the central London landmark, throwing officers into the River Thames. Emergency services attended, and the injured officers were…

Current Absurdities Food Governance Health Social

Airport Water Failure Leaves Travellers Unable to Flush Toilets

Siobhan O’Donnell

Airport Water Failure Leaves Travellers Unable to Flush Toilets Before Airlines Flush Their Savings Passengers Discover Only One Kind of Liquidity Is Guaranteed at Gatwick GATWICK, England — A water-supply failure at Gatwick Airport left passengers unable to flush toilets, wash normally or purchase drinks from many bars, but airlines continued successfully removing money from customers with no detectable reduction in pressure. The Bough Beech Failure That Started It All The…

America Governance International Political

Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump

AMW

Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump Following Full Impact Assessment of Tough Words Britain Will Issue Strong Statement Once Treasury Calculates Effect on Exports, Sterling and Canapé Supply LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised to use tough words against President Donald Trump whenever necessary, but only after Whitehall completes a comprehensive assessment of whether each adjective could affect trade, defence contracts or the availability of miniature sausage…

Governance Political

Burnham Housing Plan Begins, As Tradition Demands, With a Speech About How Big the Housing Plan Is

Vivienne Pratfall

Burnham Housing Plan Begins… As Tradition Demands, With a Speech About How Big the Housing Plan Is Prat.uk Political Desk British housing policy has a well-worn four-stage lifecycle: announce the largest building programme since the war, unveil an artist’s impression, blame the planning system, and quietly revise the target after lunch. The Burnham housing plan appears determined to honour this tradition in full, beginning not with bricks, mortar or planning…

Current Absurdities Governance Social

Britain’s New Justice Policy

Yasmina Khan

Britain Unveils Bold New Justice Policy: If You Kill a Police Officer, You Might Get Off by Wednesday By The London Prat Political Desk In a stunning display of British innovation — the same spirit that gave the world the queue, the lukewarm cup of tea, and the phrase “mustn’t grumble” — the government has confirmed that two men convicted in the death of a police officer may be released…

Governance Political

Burnham London Homeowners Tax Plan Turns Boiler Repairs Into an Oligarch Problem

Tinsel Vandergraph

Burnham London Homeowners Tax Plan… Turns Boiler Repairs Into an Oligarch Problem Prat.uk Political Desk Somewhere in outer London, a retired bus driver who bought a modest terrace in 1986 is about to discover that four decades of inflation and a nearby Pret a Manger have quietly reclassified him as asset-rich. The Burnham London homeowners tax plan, built around council-tax reform and higher charges on expensive properties, promises to correct…