Governance Political

Burnham Nationalise Bricks Plan Promises Homes as Soon as Britain Reinvents the Brick

Burnham Nationalise Bricks Plan… Promises Homes as Soon as Britain Reinvents the Brick Prat.uk Political Desk Faith in the state’s ability to build things quickly, cheaply and on schedule is a renewable British resource, replenished every few years despite considerable evidence to the contrary. The latest expression of that faith arrives in the form of what insiders are already calling the Burnham nationalise bricks approach: a plan to accelerate housebuilding…

Governance Political

Burnham London Transport Fix Arrives via the Revolutionary Technology of Yellow Paint

Burnham London Transport Fix Arrives… via the Revolutionary Technology of Yellow Paint Prat.uk Political Desk London already has an Underground, an Overground, buses, trams, riverboats, cable cars, black cabs and a small army of cyclists who consider red lights optional. Into this crowded field steps the Burnham London transport plan, built around the runaway success of Manchester’s Bee Network — a system whose central innovation was, by most honest accounts,…

Governance News Political Social

The House of Lords’ Moves to a Caravan Park

Aristocratic Redistribution: The House of Lords’ Second Home Moves to a Caravan Park in Southport Prat.uk Political Desk In the small print of the redistribution package, peers who already relocated to the retail park’s garden-furniture department will be issued a second, ceremonial residence at a caravan park in Southport, described by officials as “levelling up, but with a chemical toilet.” Each peer will receive a static caravan named after their…

Governance Political

Burnham Manchesterism Economic Plan Blends Public Ownership With Private Money, Quietly

Burnham Manchesterism Economic Plan… Blends Public Ownership With Private Money, Quietly Prat.uk Political Desk Every political era eventually invents its own “-ism,” and Andy Burnham’s contribution is Manchesterism, an economic philosophy so carefully balanced between public control and private investment that it appears designed for exactly one purpose: making sure neither side notices what the other is doing. The Burnham Manchesterism plan promises socialism with investor confidence, capitalism with municipal…

Governance Political

Burnham Rebalance Britain: The Prime Minister Standing in the Middle, Holding Both Ends

Burnham Rebalance Britain The Prime Minister Standing in the Middle, Holding Both Ends Prat.uk Political Desk Fourteen policies in, one image keeps returning: Andy Burnham, arms outstretched, one hand gripping Manchester and the other reaching for London, insisting the country has finally found its balance. The full Burnham rebalance Britain programme — devolved mayoral powers, cheaper transport ambitions, a sprawling housing plan, higher taxes on expensive property, and a philosophy…

Governance Political

Burnham End London-Centric Politics Pledge Delivered, Naturally, From a Lectern in London

Burnham End London-Centric Politics Pledge Delivered… Naturally, From a Lectern in London Prat.uk Political Desk There is a particular kind of political poetry in a Prime Minister standing behind a lectern in central London, television cameras trained on him from a studio overlooking the Thames, announcing his determination to finally end London-centric politics. The Burnham end London-centric politics pledge arrives with exactly that structure: the message is regional, the venue…

Governance Political

Burnham Devolution Plan Returns Power to Local Communities, Starting With His Own

Burnham Devolution Plan… Returns Power to Local Communities, Starting With His Own Prat.uk Political Desk Devolution has always been Andy Burnham’s signature cause, built on the principle that decisions should be made closer to the people they affect. The Burnham devolution plan now puts that principle into national practice, with one small refinement observers have been quick to notice: the communities receiving power first tend to be the ones that…

Governance Political

Burnham Tax London Plan Fights Dependence on London by Taking More of Its Money

Burnham Tax London Plan… Fights Dependence on London by Taking More of Its Money Prat.uk Political Desk Weaning a national economy off its capital city is a genuinely difficult problem, and the Burnham tax London plan approaches it with a solution so elegant in its circularity it deserves its own diagram: reduce London’s economic dominance by extracting considerably more revenue from it. It is, in effect, financial independence achieved by…

Governance Political

Burnham Khan Mayoral Alliance Forms Britain’s Most Expensive Support Group

Burnham Khan Mayoral Alliance Forms Britain’s Most Expensive Support Group Prat.uk Political Desk Two men who built entire careers demanding more power for mayors have now found themselves in a position to grant it to each other, and the resulting Burnham Khan mayoral alliance may go down as the most expensive support group in British political history — two members, unlimited budget, and a shared conviction that every problem is…

Governance Political

No 10 North Will Let Burnham Be in Two Places Without Solving Anything in Either

No 10 North Will Let Burnham Be in Two Places Without Solving Anything in Either Prat.uk Political Desk Britain is about to conduct a fascinating experiment in governmental physics: whether a Prime Minister can occupy two buildings at once and still be found responsible for nothing in particular in either of them. The creation of a No 10 North satellite office in Manchester promises exactly this, offering Andy Burnham the…

Governance Political

Burnham Rebalance Britain Plan Moves Government Jobs Closer to His House

Burnham Rebalance Britain… Plan Moves Government Jobs Closer to His House Prat.uk Political Desk Every generation produces a politician who claims to be correcting the centralisation of power, only to relocate that same power somewhere considerably more convenient for their own commute. Andy Burnham’s Burnham rebalance Britain agenda has arrived, and by a remarkable coincidence, the newly rebalanced centre of gravity appears to sit roughly four miles from his front…

Governance Political

Burnham Civil Servants Relocation Plan Runs on Britain’s Favourite Fuel: Fear

Burnham Civil Servants Relocation Plan… Runs on Britain’s Favourite Fuel: Fear Prat.uk Political Desk Every great British institutional change requires a great British incentive, and nothing motivates a civil servant quite like the gentle, unspoken suggestion that refusing to move house might end their career. The Burnham civil servants relocation drive, unveiled as part of the wider push to shift Whitehall northward, promises railcards, waterproof coats and a future in…

Governance News Political Social

London Will Finally Be Governed by a Man Who Has Spent Years Complaining About Burnham London Life

London Will Finally Be Governed by a Man Who Has Spent Years Complaining About Burnham London Life Prat.uk Political Desk Prime Minister Andy Burnham has spent the better part of two decades telling anyone north of Watford that Burnham London politics is a rigged carnival run by men in expensive coats who think Yorkshire is a seasoning. Now, in a plot twist so rich it should come with a subtitle…

Governance Political

Burnham Govern London Remotely Plan Is Just Years of Judging It From Afar, Now With a Budget

Burnham Govern London Remotely Plan… Is Just Years of Judging It From Afar, Now With a Budget Prat.uk Political Desk For years, Andy Burnham has assessed London the way a man assesses a restaurant he has never entered: confidently, loudly, and entirely from the outside. Reports that the new Prime Minister intends to remain rooted in Greater Manchester while governing the capital suggest this arrangement isn’t ending — it’s simply…

Culture Governance News

Andy Burnham to Make Britain Look Like a 1974 Bus Station

Andy Burnham Unveils Bold Plan to Make Britain Look Like a 1974 Bus Station Greater Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham, fresh off his triumphant thirty-six-year campaign to make buses public again, has now set his sights on water, and possibly the very concept of the weekend. Supporters call it bold. Critics call it a déjà-brew — the unmistakable sensation of having tasted this particular tea before, in 1974, and remembering it went lukewarm. The…

Culture Food Governance

HMRC: 15 Years of Overtaxing Grandma

HMRC Apologises for 15 Years of Overtaxing Grandma, Offers Her Enough Money for Half a Custard Cream By The London Prat, Consumer Affairs & Biscuit Correspondent His Majesty’s Revenue and Customs has issued a heartfelt apology to millions of pensioners after admitting it has been quietly overtaxing the state pension since 2010, a period of British history that includes three Prime Ministers, one referendum, and an entire pandemic. The average…

Business Culture Governance

Pensioners Will Now Be Taxed

Britain Announces Pensioners Will Now Be Taxed for the Crime of Not Dying Fast Enough By The London Prat, Westminster Bureau of Mild Outrage In a stunning act of fiscal self-sabotage that could only be described as “quintessentially British,” the Treasury has confirmed that the state pension — a benefit specifically engineered to stop old people starving in the street — is about to be taxed as income. The reason?…

Culture Governance

Pension Reforms Are “Totally Voluntary”

Government Insists Mansion House Pension Reforms Are “Totally Voluntary,” Also Passes Law Forcing Everyone to Do Them By The London Prat, Department of Contradictory Statements The Chancellor has once again reassured the nation that the Mansion House Accord — under which pension funds are politely invited to invest in UK assets — is a purely voluntary arrangement, entered into freely by consenting adults in expensive suits. She made this reassurance,…

Culture Governance

Veteran’s Pension Frozen

WWII Veteran’s Pension Frozen Since Churchill Was Prime Minister, Government Calls This “Sustainable” By The London Prat, Overseas Affairs & Time Travel Correspondent Somewhere in Canada, a 99-year-old woman who once served her country in the Second World War is currently receiving a British state pension frozen at £72.50 a week — roughly £97 less than she would get had she simply stayed in the UK. The Department for Work…

Culture Governance

MPs Demand Pension Funds “Buy British”

MPs Demand Pension Funds “Buy British” While Their Own Fund Invests 98.5% Everywhere Else on Earth By The London Prat, Hypocrisy & Portfolio Management Desk Members of Parliament have spent the better part of two years lecturing the nation’s pension funds about the patriotic duty of investing in British business, all while their own £855.5 million pension fund holds a heroic 1.5% in UK equities. The remaining 98.5% is, presumably, out enjoying…

Current Absurdities Governance

Wes Streeting Appointed Defence Secretary

Wes Streeting Appointed Defence Secretary After NHS Declared Too Peaceful Former health secretary moves from hospital waiting lists to enemy watchlists and promises Britain’s armed forces will be seen within four hours LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has appointed Wes Streeting as Britain’s new Defence Secretary, transferring the former health secretary from a department that could not locate enough hospital beds to one expected to locate Russian submarines beneath…

Governance Culture

Britain Reforms Pensions

Britain Reforms Pensions by Moving Retirement Somewhere Beyond the Natural Lifespan Government promises bigger pension pots, better investment and a state pension available shortly after workers complete their final archaeological layer LONDON — Britain has begun another historic programme of pension reform after ministers discovered that retirement costs money, old people remain stubbornly alive and the national economy cannot be financed indefinitely by selling one another increasingly expensive two-bedroom flats.…

Current Absurdities Governance International News

Celtexit Planned for Britain

Celtexit: Britain Planned Its Breakup Before Anyone Even Voted The constitutional panic is magnificent: Reform has not won the next election, yet several politicians are already measuring Britain for four separate removal vans. Officials have not agreed on a single policy for the imaginary government they are furious about, but they have already agreed on a name for the imaginary divorce: Celtexit. It is Brexit’s damper, sadder cousin, conceived not in…

Business Governance News

John Healey Appointed Chancellor

John Healey Appointed Chancellor After Discovering Britain’s Biggest Defence Threat Is the Treasury Former Defence Secretary moves next door to the nation’s money cupboard and promises to identify who has been hiding the ammunition behind the fiscal rules LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has appointed former Defence Secretary John Healey as Chancellor of the Exchequer, placing the man who resigned because the government would not spend enough money in…

Culture Current Absurdities Governance

Angela Rayner

Angela Rayner Discovers The One Bill In Britain That Actually Gets Chased Up Properly WESTMINSTER — Britain is a country where the trains don’t run, the potholes don’t get filled, and the NHS waiting list functions largely on vibes. And yet, somehow, when it came to Angela Rayner underpaying stamp duty on a second home by £40,000, the machinery of the British state moved with the terrifying speed and precision…

Political Governance News Social

Britain’s New Guide to Political Debate

Keep Calm and Carry a Panic Button: Britain’s New Guide to Political Debate By The London Prat Political Desk — filed from a secure, undisclosed constituency surgery with reinforced glass and a very calm receptionist Britain, the nation that gave the world the filibuster, the stiff upper lip, and the sentence “with the greatest respect,” has quietly upgraded its national pastime. Where once a disgruntled voter might write a strongly…

Current Absurdities Governance News

Public Policy Strategies for the UK

National Strategy Declared Success: Problem Now Too Complex to Measure Whitehall has announced, with the sort of quiet triumph normally reserved for royal births and England reaching a penalty shootout, that its flagship public policy strategy has been declared an unqualified success. Officials confirmed the underlying problem it was designed to fix has become so complicated that nobody can actually measure whether it has been fixed, which counts, apparently, as…

Current Absurdities Governance Political

North Korea Congratulates Labour

North Korea Congratulates Labour on Impressive Display of Administrative Efficiency Pyongyang Reportedly Sends Fruit Basket After Witnessing Britain’s Most Orderly Leadership Contest LONDON, England. Officials in North Korea have reportedly sent a congratulatory telegram, a commemorative portrait frame, and a coupon for bulk applause to Britain’s Labour Party after watching hundreds of MPs rally behind Andy Burnham before anyone else had the opportunity to become a serious rival. According to…

Business Current Absurdities Governance Social

Mervyn King Asked to Teach Americans

Mervyn King Asked to Teach Americans How to Panic With a British Accent As the Federal Reserve reboots itself in the style of a Silicon Valley startup, Washington insiders have confirmed that former Bank of England Governor Lord Mervyn King has been quietly approached to run a masterclass titled “Panicking Politely: An Introduction.” The course, sources say, is intended to teach American officials how to deliver catastrophic financial news in…

Governance International Political

Labour’s Gaza Stance

Andy Burnham Apologises for Labour’s Gaza Stance — And Six Other Things He’ll Apologise For Once the Polling Comes Back Labour Introduces Revolutionary Foreign Policy That Automatically Updates After Every Opinion Poll Political Archaeologists Rejoice Westminster’s weekly wobble on wartime words continues apace this week, as Labour’s foreign policy proved it doesn’t have a spine so much as a satnav. Andy Burnham didn’t so much flip his stance as pip his flance, and one…