The Green Party’s Complete and Ever-Expanding Abolition Index

The Green Party’s Complete and Ever-Expanding Abolition Index

Everything Britain’s eco-populists have abolished, proposed replacing or placed in the correct recycling bin

Green Party Abolishes Nearly Everything, Britain Retains One Reusable Tote Bag for Ceremonial Purposes

Zack Polanski announces that the old Britain will be replaced by a citizens’ assembly as soon as somebody finds a village hall available on Thursday

LONDON, ENGLAND

The Green Party of England and Wales, led by Zack Polanski, has assembled an ambitious programme involving wealth taxes, rent controls, public ownership, a four-day working week, proportional representation and replacement of the House of Lords. Independent analysis of its 2024 manifesto concluded that the proposals would greatly expand the size of the state, increase annual taxation by more than £170 billion and add substantially to public spending. (Green Party)

After examining this programme carefully, Britain has concluded that the Green Party’s central policy is simple:

Anything currently existing has failed.

Anything not yet existing will be fully funded.

Anything with an engine is being watched.

Britain Receives Its Abolition Notice

The Green Party’s transformation began shortly after its policy department discovered that Britain contains approximately 67 million people, 30 million cars, 25 million homes, thousands of businesses and several opinions not approved at conference.

Officials responded by creating a working group.

The working group commissioned a consultation.

The consultation recommended a citizens’ assembly.

The citizens’ assembly recommended another working group because the first working group lacked sufficient lived experience of being consulted.

By lunchtime, the country had been abolished in principle.

“The United Kingdom has had hundreds of years to make itself greener,” explained constitutional ecologist Dr. Petunia Moss-Cardigan. “At some point you have to stop repairing the boiler and replace the entire civilisation.”

The House of Lords: Abolished From Inside the House of Lords

The Green Party supports replacing the unelected House of Lords with an elected second chamber. At the same time, it continues selecting Green nominees for peerages while the existing chamber remains in place, allowing party representatives to campaign for the institution’s abolition from its upholstered benches. (Green Party)

This is not hypocrisy.

It is sustainable demolition.

Traditional demolition requires machinery, diesel and men named Keith. Green demolition occurs from inside the building, preferably after lunch.

Under the new arrangement, hereditary peers will be converted into community composting ambassadors. Life peers will receive transition assistance, a bicycle and a certificate confirming that they once knew Tony Blair.

The chamber itself will be replaced with an elected senate representing every region, nation, community and recognised variety of lentil.

No legislation will pass until it has been approved by England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, six regional assemblies, the Youth Climate Council and a randomly selected panel of people delayed at Milton Keynes.

The Five-Day Working Week: Sent Home Early

The Greens support moving toward a four-day working week. (Green Party)

This policy is popular because nearly everyone supports working less, particularly during surveys conducted at work.

Under the proposal, employees will receive five days’ pay for four days’ labour. Employers will make up the difference through increased productivity, advanced technology and staring desperately at a spreadsheet.

Monday will remain Monday.

Tuesday will become New Monday.

Wednesday will be devoted to wellbeing.

Thursday will be the deadline for everything formerly due Friday.

Friday will be abolished, except for public-sector training seminars explaining the abolition of Friday.

A trial at the Department of Workplace Serenity found that productivity increased 40 percent after employees stopped attending meetings. Management responded by scheduling a meeting to investigate the decline in meetings.

Billionaires: Reclassified as an Endangered Tax Base

The Green manifesto proposed an annual wealth tax of 1 percent on assets above £10 million and 2 percent above £1 billion. It also proposed a carbon tax beginning at £120 per tonne and rising substantially over time. (Green Party)

The Institute for Fiscal Studies warned that the Green tax package would affect a much broader section of society than only the very wealthy and questioned whether some proposed taxes would raise the sums claimed. (Institute for Fiscal Studies)

The party rejected this criticism after discovering the Institute for Fiscal Studies contains the word “fiscal,” a recognised gateway substance to accountancy.

Under the Green system, Britain’s billionaires will be given three options:

Pay the tax.

Plant enough trees to conceal the money.

Become a newspaper columnist explaining why Britain has become hostile to success.

A Bohiney Institute survey found that 94 percent of voters support taxing billionaires.

Support declined to 38 percent when respondents were informed that their house, pension, business, savings and antique biscuit tin might eventually require valuation by the Ministry of Fairly Valuable Objects.

Carbon: Arrested While Leaving the Chimney

The proposed carbon tax is intended to make polluting activities more expensive and encourage cleaner alternatives. Critics have questioned its design, potential economic effects and ambitious revenue estimates. (Green Party)

Under emergency regulations, carbon will be required to declare its destination before entering the atmosphere.

Domestic carbon may apply for compassionate release.

Industrial carbon will be remanded in underground storage.

Imported carbon will be welcomed because refusing it might violate international solidarity.

Each household will receive a smart carbon meter. When a resident switches on the heating, the meter will display the current cost, projected planetary consequences and a short video of a disappointed polar bear.

Citizens exceeding their allowance must purchase carbon credits from neighbours who spent February sitting beneath three blankets.

“This creates a fair market mechanism,” explained Green economist Basil Quinoa. “The wealthy can heat their homes, while poorer people receive the empowering opportunity to sell them warmth.”

Private Landlords: Still Alive, But the Rent Has Been Nationalised

The Greens support rent controls allowing local authorities to regulate rents where markets are unaffordable. They also advocate expanded social housing and stronger powers for communities and councils to acquire certain properties. (Green Party)

Landlords will retain ownership of their property, responsibility for repairs and liability for everything from leaking roofs to tenants attempting indoor beekeeping.

They will not, however, control the rent.

That would be greedy.

Rent will instead be determined by a local affordability panel consisting of two tenants, a councillor, a housing activist and one landlord invited for visual balance.

The panel will calculate a fair monthly rent using local income, property condition, energy efficiency and whether the landlord appears overly pleased with himself.

One landlord in Brighton said he intended to sell.

The council welcomed the announcement and immediately began drafting a regulation preventing socially disruptive selling.

Water: Returned to the Public, Along With the Sewage

Green policy favours public ownership of essential services, including water and rail. Local Green campaigns in 2026 have also promoted public ownership of those utilities. (Tower Hamlets Green Party)

Privatisation promised efficiency, competition and investment.

Britain instead received executive bonuses, leaking pipes and rivers containing enough bacteria to form a coalition government.

Public ownership will correct this by ensuring that all future leakage occurs without shareholders benefiting.

Customers calling the new National Water Service will hear:

“Your hydration is important to us. You are number 14,622 in the democratic queue.”

The organisation’s chief executive will be paid less than private-sector water bosses but will receive an unlimited supply of meetings.

Every reservoir will be managed by an elected committee. During droughts, members will debate whether water is a commodity, a human right or a problematic colonial framework imposed upon clouds.

Rain is expected shortly after consensus is reached.

Railways: Nationalised Again Because History Needed a Sequel

Public ownership of rail is presented as a way to create a more integrated, affordable and accountable transport system. (Tower Hamlets Green Party)

Private rail companies will be replaced by Great British Green Rail, whose slogan will be:

“Your Train Is Delayed, But Collectively.”

Ticket prices will be simplified into three categories:

Affordable.

Socially necessary.

London.

First class will be abolished because inequality should not travel at 125 miles per hour.

The carriages will then be divided into Standard, Enhanced Standard and Quietly Superior Standard.

Passengers will be encouraged to cycle to the station, cycle onto the train and continue cycling inside the train whenever the engine is unavailable due to low-carbon maintenance.

Cars: Permitted Under Strict Conditions

The Green Party has not proposed abolishing every private car. Its environmental programme does, however, support faster decarbonisation, expanded public transport and policies designed to reduce dependence on fossil fuels. (Green Party)

Nevertheless, petrol cars have been placed on the National Register of Things That Make Zack Look Concerned.

Owners will be required to explain each journey.

Travelling to work is provisionally acceptable.

Taking children to school requires evidence that the children are real.

Driving 300 yards to buy milk will result in a restorative conversation beside a cargo bicycle.

Classic cars will be allowed if converted to run on electricity, organic optimism or the owner’s memories of Britain before bus lanes.

Motorways will become linear community gardens. The M25 will remain largely unchanged because it has not functioned as transport for decades.

Airports: Allowed to Remain, Forbidden to Become Larger

Airport expansion has become one of the Green movement’s most reliable sources of horror.

The party argues that major expansion conflicts with climate commitments and that Britain should invest in cleaner transport instead. Its broader foreign-policy and economic programme also emphasises climate responsibility and international cooperation. (Green Party)

Existing airports may continue operating provided they do not add runways, passengers, aircraft or any behaviour suggesting an airport.

Heathrow will be converted into Europe’s largest bicycle-storage facility.

Gatwick will host a permanent citizens’ assembly on whether travel broadens the mind or merely broadens the airport.

British families wishing to visit Spain must first demonstrate that the holiday cannot be conducted over Zoom.

Business travellers will be issued cardboard cut-outs to place in international conference rooms, cutting emissions and improving most presentations.

First Past the Post: Last Past the Conference

The Greens support proportional representation and replacement of the current electoral system. (Green Party)

Under proportional representation, seats more closely reflect each party’s share of the vote.

This means the Greens could win significantly more representation.

Experts have determined that electoral systems become morally urgent precisely when they would produce more seats for the person explaining their morality.

The new ballot paper will ask voters to rank 43 candidates.

Voters who accidentally place the Monster Raving Loony Party above Labour will be told that democracy has spoken and democracy has a sense of humour.

Counting will take three weeks.

The resulting coalition will contain seven parties, four independents and one MP elected entirely through preferences transferred from people who thought they were ranking Eurovision songs.

The Remaining Institutions Standing Trial

Gas Boilers

Charge: Keeping homes warm with insufficient ideological reflection.

Sunday Roasts

Charge: Excessive meat, unequal gravy distribution and continuing reliance on an unelected Yorkshire pudding.

Garden Fences

Charge: Creating borders without Home Office authorisation.

Private Schools

Charge: Allowing parents to purchase advantages instead of waiting for the state to allocate them alphabetically.

The Stock Market

Charge: Numbers moving without democratic permission.

Cash

Charge: Facilitating unrecorded purchases of diesel, meat and Daily Telegraph subscriptions.

The Pub Car Park

Charge: Encouraging both driving and pubs in one paved ecosystem.

Central Heating

Charge: Promoting unrealistic expectations about January.

Economic Growth

Charge: Attempting to become larger without submitting a biodiversity statement.

People Who Own Two Kettles

Charge: Hoarding the means of tea production.

Helpful Advice for Surviving the Great Green Abolition

Citizens should not panic merely because their job, home, vehicle or preferred method of boiling water appears on the abolition list.

First, describe everything as sustainable.

A petrol lawnmower becomes a heritage biodiversity management device.

A large house becomes a community-scale domestic ecosystem.

A second home becomes geographically distributed housing resilience.

Second, attach a solar panel. It need not power the object. It merely needs to suggest that the object has begun its journey.

Third, establish a citizens’ assembly. Government cannot abolish anything already discussing its own abolition.

Finally, carry a reusable coffee cup. This signals virtue and may distract officials from the diesel Range Rover parked around the corner.

The Green Party Finally Abolishes Abolition

At the conclusion of its annual conference, delegates began to worry that abolishing institutions involved hierarchy, coercion and an insufficiently inclusive distinction between existence and nonexistence.

The word “abolition” was therefore abolished.

It was replaced with “community-led regenerative discontinuation.”

A proposal to approve the new phrase passed with 53 percent support.

The result was overturned because 47 percent of delegates had experienced the violence of losing a vote.

The issue was referred to a citizens’ assembly.

The assembly recommended keeping Britain temporarily, provided Britain apologises, pays a wealth tax and agrees to work only four days a week.

Fifteen Observations From the National Composting Committee

1. The Greens Have Not Abolished Britain

They have merely proposed replacing it with a fully insulated Britain manufactured from reclaimed yoghurt pots.

2. The House of Lords Will Be Replaced by an Elected Chamber

Existing peers will be returned to the countryside, where several can still perform useful work frightening crows.

3. The Five-Day Working Week Is Being Reduced to Four Days

The fifth day will remain available for attending demonstrations demanding a three-day working week.

4. Billionaires Will Pay a Wealth Tax

Those unable to afford the tax may downgrade to ordinary multimillionaire status and apply for emergency housing in Monaco.

5. Carbon Will Be Taxed

Every British exhalation will include a receipt, although breathing through a locally sourced scarf may qualify for relief.

6. Private Landlords Will Face Rent Controls

They will still own the building, but only in the ceremonial sense that King Charles owns Canada.

7. Water Will Return to Public Ownership

Within six months, every leaking pipe will become a democratically accountable leaking pipe.

8. Rail Will Be Publicly Owned

Passengers will no longer be delayed for profit. Delays will become a universal public service available regardless of income.

9. First Past the Post Will Be Abolished

Elections will be decided by proportional representation, transferable votes, regional lists and whichever candidate survives the explanation.

10. The House of Lords Will Vote on Its Own Abolition

This resembles asking turkeys to approve Christmas after first guaranteeing them lifetime membership of the Christmas Oversight Board.

11. The Petrol Car Is Standing Trial

Its defence that it starts in winter has been ruled environmentally prejudicial.

12. Airports Will Be Discouraged From Expanding

Britons may continue flying abroad to explain why other countries should use fewer aeroplanes.

13. Economic Growth Must Become Sustainable

The economy will grow only after completing an environmental impact assessment and promising not to overshadow nearby shrubs.

14. Fossil Fuels Will Become Actual Fossils

The remaining North Sea oil will be placed behind glass with a plaque reading, “Primitive substance once used to keep pensioners warm.”

15. Everything Will Be Decided Locally

Except taxation, climate policy, energy, transport, housing, employment law and anything on which the locality reaches the wrong conclusion.

Satirical Disclaimer

This article is satire based on publicly stated Green Party proposals involving taxation, housing, employment, democratic reform, environmental policy and public ownership. The party has not literally proposed abolishing Britain, kettles, Sunday roasts, breathing, Yorkshire puddings or people who own two kettles. The eyewitnesses, surveys, institutes, government departments and experts created for the article are comic inventions.

This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. The dairy farmer supports sustainable agriculture, while the professor remains under investigation for possessing a gas boiler with intent to remain warm.