Scientists Confirm Thames Is Oldest Thing in London, Narrowly Beating House of Lords River Retains Title After Peers Demand Carbon Dating Recount LONDON — Scientists examining the geological history of the River Thames have confirmed that the river remains the oldest known feature of London, narrowly defeating the House of Lords following a tense recount. The Thames, which has existed in varying forms for millions of years, was initially expected to…
Harry Is Officially a ‘Private Citizen,’ Says Everyone But Harry Buckingham Palace’s New ‘Private Citizen’ Label Reached Whitehall Before It Reached Harry LONDON — Prince Harry has run into one of the great mysteries of British public administration. He is, apparently, a private citizen, and his private status is important enough that the King had to explain it to senior figures across the entire British establishment. Buckingham Palace recently reiterated that…
William’s Camp Blames Harry and Meghan for Kate’s Cancer Royal biographer confirms on record what “palace sources” had only been implying for weeks — the theory has now been extended to cover two cancer diagnoses, and Buckingham Palace’s unofficial oncology department is reportedly overwhelmed. WINDSOR, ENGLAND — For several weeks, the theory that Harry and Meghan were somehow adjacent to Kate’s cancer diagnosis existed only in the traditional British habit…
Communists Spent A Century Demanding The Workers Control The Means Of Production. Now They Have AI, And Head Office Has Raised It With HR By Staff Writer For 150 years the promise rang out from Petrograd to the picket line at Cowley: the workers shall control the means of production. Marx wrote it. Lenin had people shot over it. The bloke from the Socialist Workers Party still shouts it outside…
Charles Tells Harry He’s a Private Citizen, Then Discovers Private Citizens Can Also Hang Up Buckingham Palace discovers a private citizen comes with an off switch, after a father-son reconciliation gets quietly converted into an administrative procedure LONDON — King Charles III has reportedly discovered an obscure constitutional loophole in his decision to classify Prince Harry as a private citizen: private citizens are apparently allowed to hang up the telephone. The…
Andy Burnham Runs 13.1 Miles, Still Unable to Get Far Enough Away From Westminster Prime Minister completes Great North Run in 1:57:34, prompting Cabinet to ask whether he might now try the economy NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham spent Sunday attempting one of the most ambitious feats undertaken by a modern British leader: moving continuously in one direction for nearly two hours and eventually arriving somewhere. Burnham…
King Charles Invents the ‘You Quit’ Doctrine for Non-Working Royals Palace Says Prince Harry Remains a Non-Working Royal, Lawyers Asked to Confirm the Obvious LONDON — King Charles has reportedly reaffirmed that Prince Harry and Meghan remain non-working royals, prompting another national investigation into one of Britain’s most difficult philosophical questions. When a man stops doing a job, does he eventually stop having the job? Buckingham Palace’s answer appears to…
London Husband Orders Pizza, Wife Makes Salad, Relationship Experts Declare Kitchen Officially Separated ‘Food Divorce’ Lets Couples Stay Married While Maintaining Separate Relationships With Dinner Britain has discovered a new threat to marriage that requires neither adultery, gambling nor discovering your husband has secretly invested the pension in cryptocurrency. It is dinner. The emerging practice has been dubbed “food divorce,” describing couples who deliberately cook, order or eat different meals…
Saudi Arabia Asks Trump for Airstrikes, Gets a Limited Warranty Instead Riyadh phones Trump for military help and receives a lot of fine print Saudi Arabia and Trump have just had one of the more instructive phone calls in recent Gulf diplomacy — the kind where one side asks for airstrikes and the other side offers a very detailed apology. Somewhere between the crown prince’s second call to Trump and…
Canada Seeks EU Associate Status After U.S. Trade Talks Collapse, Brussels Immediately Sends 4,000-Page Application Mark Carney Clarifies Canada Does Not Want to Join Europe, Merely Enjoy All the Convenient Parts While Remaining Several Thousand Miles Away Canada is exploring a dramatically closer relationship with the European Union after trade negotiations with the United States collapsed, according to the Wall Street Journal, a geopolitical development suggesting Ottawa has finally responded…
King Charles Hosts Global AI Summit, Asks Tech Leaders Not to Touch Anything Until IT Arrives King Charles gathers the brains behind Nvidia, DeepMind, OpenAI and Anthropic as Britain boldly positions itself at the cutting edge of technology, provided nobody needs air-traffic software, a government password reset or a printer King Charles is convening senior AI figures at Dumfries House in Scotland, with executives from Nvidia, Google DeepMind, OpenAI and…
Why Is London So Expensive? City Hall Consults Residents on the Next 25 Years, Schedules Their Opinions for Completion in 2051 Draft London Plan asks public to shape housing, transport and open space, provided every idea fits inside the approved response box LONDON — Why is London so expensive? Part of the answer is timing: it takes the capital roughly a quarter of a century to turn an opinion into…
Why Is London So Expensive? Rent Reaches £2,280 a Month as Estate Agents Confirm Ceiling Still Included on Premium Plan Capital’s landlords unveil revolutionary housing model in which tenants transfer entire salary and receive temporary custody of a radiator LONDON — Why is London so expensive? Ask any tenant currently transferring most of a salary for the privilege of a postcode. The average monthly private rent in London reached £2,280…
Why Is London So Expensive? TfL Lists Nine Troubled Lines and Still Finds Good Service Everywhere That Hasn’t Filed a Complaint London transport achieves operational excellence by placing the words “good service” immediately beneath a list of everything currently going wrong LONDON — Why is London so expensive? Factor in the cost of a transport network that charges full fare to stand still. Transport for London’s live board on September…
London Homes Begin Sinking, Estate Agents Immediately Advertise ‘Exciting Lower-Ground-Floor Potential’ London house prices finally come down, unfortunately the houses come with them, as £2 million terraces discover climate change is Britain’s most effective affordable-housing programme After decades of failed attempts to bring down London house prices, Britain has finally discovered a policy capable of lowering residential property: allow the residential property itself to sink. Successive heatwaves have dried the…
London Standard Reports Another Busy News Day, Londoners Continue Heroic Tradition of Complaining About It Over a £7 Coffee Capital Confirms It Is, Once Again, Having A Day The London Standard has confirmed that today, much like every day preceding it, has been “another busy news day” in the capital, a headline so reliably true it now functions less as journalism and more as a permanent constitutional fixture, somewhere between…
House of Lords Announces It Has Finally Run Out of Empty Chairs The House of Lords, that ancient and mysterious British institution where retired politicians go to be paid £390 a day to occasionally nod, has announced a staffing crisis of historic proportions: it has run out of chairs. The solution, naturally, was to add twenty-six more people to sit in it, including Sir Sadiq Khan, who somehow remains Mayor…
London Dating Scene Announces Every First Date Now Requires Character References Hinge’s New “Friend’s Take” Feature Arrives in Britain, Promptly Mistaken for a Parliamentary Vetting Committee LONDON. Britain’s dating scene has welcomed Hinge’s new “Friend’s Take” feature, allowing friends to add testimonials to dating profiles, because apparently uploading six carefully curated photographs of yourself holding a cocktail wasn’t evidence enough of basic humanity. London Singles Immediately Form Advisory Panels London singles immediately…
Anti-Fitness Club Becomes London’s Fastest Growing Club AFC Members Praise Revolutionary Workout Plan: Not Going, Not Trying, Not Feeling Bad About Either LONDON — Deeply Concerning, Finally Honest In a development fitness experts are calling “deeply concerning” and ordinary Londoners are calling “finally honest,” the Anti Fitness Club has become the capital’s fastest growing club after promising members they will never be asked to lift, stretch, sweat, jog, squat, lunge,…
London Dating Experts Confirm Friend’s Ex Is Only Available After Three WhatsApp Group Consultations Capital Introduces Strict Social Protocols for Romantic Recycling LONDON. Dating a friend’s ex has officially become London’s most complicated logistical exercise, narrowly beating booking a GP appointment and finding a Zone 1 flat under £3,000 a month. The debate has resurfaced after people shared wildly different experiences of dating a friend’s former partner, proving that romance…
Couple Demonstrates That Divorce Is Not Necessarily the End of a Marriage, Particularly When Neither Party Wants to Give Up a 30-Room Mansion LONDON, ENGLAND | Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and Sarah Ferguson have finally set up separate homes three decades after their divorce, bringing an extraordinary chapter of British matrimonial history towards its natural conclusion. Divorced in 1996, Still Sharing Royal Lodge The couple divorced in 1996 but kept an unusually…
Too Much Affection Is a Sign of Abuse Relationship Experts Warn That Flowers, Compliments and Replying Promptly May Be Early Symptoms of Having a Boyfriend LONDON — Miserable people have successfully completed their long campaign to remove the final traces of pleasure from modern romance, announcing this week that excessive affection may be a warning sign of emotional abuse and that anyone enjoying a new relationship should immediately stop, step…
The Marriage I Cherished Had Quietly Moved to Zone 6 In London, relationships seldom end with an explosion. They are delayed, rerouted and eventually replaced by a rail replacement bus service. A Modern Love Story, Rerouted Through Clapham LONDON — The marriage described in this Modern Love source reminded me that a London marriage rarely collapses in a single operatic moment. There is no overturned dinner table, no suitcase thrown dramatically into…
Henry VIII Finally Finds a Proper London Pub Former King Declares Britain May Have Lost an Empire, Six Colonies, and the Ability to Build Railways on Time, But Thank Heaven It Never Misplaced the Local History Takes a Tea Break in a London Boozer LONDON — History took a brief tea break yesterday after Henry VIII reportedly wandered into a traditional London pub, ordered a pint without downloading an app, and…
NHS Warns It Will Collapse Unless Government Discovers Elderly People Exist Before They Reach A&E Britain Introduces Revolutionary Policy of Not Waiting Until Grandma Is on a Trolley LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has warned that the NHS could collapse unless England reforms social care, introducing the controversial theory that elderly people continue requiring food, medication and assistance even when they are not standing inside a hospital. Burnham’s Political Capital Gamble…
Burnham Promises Historic Social-Care Reform Immediately After Britain Finishes Reviewing the Previous 47 Reviews Government Orders Urgent Investigation Into Why All Earlier Investigations Remain Unimplemented LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised substantial social-care reform, but Britain’s experienced review-writing community has urged him not to act until the country has completed several additional reviews explaining the recommendations of all previous reviews. The Casey Review and Burnham’s Reform Pledge Burnham…
Gatwick Runs Out of Water, Passengers Told £6 Bottles Remain Fully Operational Airport Successfully Preserves Its Most Important Utility: Retail Pricing GATWICK, England — Gatwick Airport briefly lost running water across both terminals after a power failure at a regional treatment facility, leaving toilets unusable and closing bars and restaurants while bottled beverages reportedly retained full commercial pressure. What Actually Caused the Gatwick Water Outage The disruption began after a power outage…
Burnham Opens No 10 North So Government Can Ignore Britain From Two Convenient Locations Manchester Receives Its Own Branch of Centralised Decentralisation MANCHESTER, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has opened “No 10 North” in Manchester, allowing the British government to misunderstand regional concerns from a dramatically shorter distance. Inside Heron House, the New Home of No 10 North The new government base is located in Heron House and has been presented as…
Downing Street Expands to Manchester After London Runs Out of Rooms for Unfulfilled Promises New Northern Headquarters Provides Additional Storage for National Renewal MANCHESTER, England — The British government has opened No 10 North in Manchester after Downing Street reportedly exhausted every available cupboard, corridor and ministerial drawer suitable for storing undelivered promises. Heron House Opens as a Nerve Centre for a “Rewired Britain” Prime Minister Andy Burnham formally opened the…
Five Officers Injured During High-Speed Pursuit of Stationary London Landmark Westminster Bridge Escapes After Remaining Exactly Where Authorities Last Saw It LONDON, England — A Metropolitan Police river patrol ended dramatically after five officers were injured during what authorities have described as an unsuccessful attempt to overtake Westminster Bridge. The police vessel struck the central London landmark, throwing officers into the River Thames. Emergency services attended, and the injured officers were…
