Category: America

America Culture International

Trump Says America Remains ‘Locked and Loaded’

Alan Nafzger

Trump Says America Remains ‘Locked and Loaded’ but Will Give Peace Fifteen Minutes to Impress Him Gulf leaders persuade Washington to postpone an enormous bombing campaign after explaining that petroleum infrastructure is not an immersive military attraction WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has cancelled planned strikes against Iran after Middle Eastern governments reportedly urged restraint and suggested that peace might still be possible, provided everyone works quickly, speaks confidently and uses the…

America Business Technology

EU Fines Google €890 Million

Alan Nafzger

EU Fines Google €890 Million, Then Googles What That Is In Normal Money Brussels discovers the only reliable way to regulate Google is to search Google for instructions. BRUSSELS, BELGIUM — The European Commission has fined Google €890 million for two breaches of the Digital Markets Act, then reportedly typed “€890 million in normal money” into Google Search before pasting the result straight into its own press release. The penalty breaks down into €460…

Business America Technology

Amazon Adds “World Domination” to Shopping Cart

Siobhan O’Donnell

Amazon Invests $50 Billion in OpenAI After Algorithm Adds “World Domination” to Shopping Cart The online retailer secures roughly five percent of humanity’s synthetic brain while assuring customers that automated obsolescence remains eligible for free delivery SEATTLE, Washington — Amazon has completed its $50 billion investment in OpenAI, acquiring roughly a five percent stake in the company after apparently clicking “Buy Now” without first checking whether artificial general intelligence would…

Technology America Business

Meta Shares Tumble After Zuckerberg Promises AI Agents

Fiona MacLeod

Meta Shares Tumble After Zuckerberg Promises AI Agents Will Eventually Explain Where All the Money Went Social-media giant introduces personalised digital assistants capable of booking appointments, running businesses and reassuring investors sometime after 2034 MENLO PARK, California — According to the Financial Times report on Meta’s falling shares and Mark Zuckerberg’s vision for AI agents, investors reacted negatively after the company reported soaring costs, weaker profits and another enormously expensive technological…

Technology America Business

Google Creates New Format to Help AI Determine Which Humans Are Lying

Asha Mwangi

Google Creates New Format to Help AI Determine Which Humans Are Lying Internet ordered to provide references before continuing to be completely wrong LONDON — Google has unveiled a new system of trust signals intended to help artificial intelligence determine where information came from, who wrote it, whether anyone checked it and when it officially became stale, according to reporting on the company’s Open Knowledge Format. The system marks the first serious…

America International

Iran Threatens Melania Trump

Alan Nafzger

Iran Threatens Melania Trump After Discovering Fighting the U.S. Military Is Considerably More Difficult IRGC-linked propagandists unveil a daring new battlefield doctrine: avoid aircraft carriers, ignore generals and declare war on department-store footwear WASHINGTON, D.C. — Iran’s Tasnim News Agency, an outlet widely described as affiliated with the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, has reportedly circulated a video threatening First Lady Melania Trump and her son Barron. The production discusses locations Melania allegedly…

America International Technology

AI Now Lets Anyone Bomb Iran

Alan Nafzger

AI Now Lets Anyone Bomb Iran Without Leaving the Comfort of Photoshop Google Earth briefly turns geopolitical catastrophe into a creative dropdown menu, then discovers users possess imaginations MOUNTAIN VIEW, California — Google has withdrawn an AI image-generation feature from Google Earth after users demonstrated that satellite intelligence could now be manufactured by anyone with an internet connection, a dramatic imagination and no plans for the afternoon. According to the Financial Times, the…

America International Tourism

International Donors Prepare to Rebuild Gaza After Receiving Solemn Assurance the Money Is Definitely for Hotels

Alan Nafzger

International Donors Prepare to Rebuild Gaza After Receiving Solemn Assurance the Money Is Definitely for Hotels Hamas discovers that “armed resistance” has terrible reviews on TripAdvisor and may interfere with the infinity pool CAIRO, Egypt — International donors began warming up their cheque-signing hands Thursday after reports that Hamas and other Palestinian factions had accepted a framework for disarmament, or at least something that stands near disarmament at diplomatic receptions…

America Business Technology

Apple Warns of Memory-Chip Shortage

Junglepussy

Apple Warns of Memory-Chip Shortage, Nation Finally Has Excuse for Forgetting Every Password Technology giant stockpiles components while customers insist “Password1!” was definitely correct last Tuesday A Shortage, Conveniently Timed LONDON, ENGLAND — Apple reported strong quarterly results but warned that soaring demand for memory and advanced chips could constrain supplies and increase costs. The shortage is partly associated with the vast expansion of artificial-intelligence data centres competing for semiconductor…

America International

Kamala Harris Moves to $8 Million Diversity-Free Zone

Fiona MacLeod

Kamala Harris Buys $8 Million Diversity-Free Zone, Britain Watches Politely From Across the Pond Former Vice President Discovers Inclusion Works Best With a Gate Attached By Jasmine Carter | Malibu, California, via London MALIBU, California — Former US Vice President Kamala Harris and her husband, Doug Emhoff, have purchased an $8.15 million mansion in Point Dume, according to reporting from the New York Post, prompting a great deal of very British…

America News Royals

Prince William Offers Harry Reconciliation

Lowri Griffiths

Prince William Offers Harry Reconciliation, Provided He Signs the Magna Carta of Family Group Chats Public apology, legally binding silence and restrictions on imitation royal tours reportedly form the Prince of Wales’s exciting new “Brotherhood Premium” package William’s Three Conditions for Reconciliation LONDON | A report circulating on Yahoo claims Prince William has established three conditions for reconciliation with Prince Harry: a public apology from Harry and Meghan, a legally binding agreement…

America Governance International News

Trump Explains the Special Relationship

Hannah Miller

The Smaller Dog May Bark: Trump Explains the Special Relationship Using Furniture Bohiney.com — World Desk President Trump has once again reduced 250 years of transatlantic diplomacy to something you’d hear at a dog park, informing new British Prime Minister Andy Burnham that “the smaller dog may bark, but the larger dog controls the sofa.” Foreign policy analysts immediately began arguing about whether this counts as a threat, a compliment,…

America Governance International Political

Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump

AMW

Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump Following Full Impact Assessment of Tough Words Britain Will Issue Strong Statement Once Treasury Calculates Effect on Exports, Sterling and Canapé Supply LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised to use tough words against President Donald Trump whenever necessary, but only after Whitehall completes a comprehensive assessment of whether each adjective could affect trade, defence contracts or the availability of miniature sausage…

America International Political

Burnham Vows to Stand Up to Trump

Caitlin Moran

Burnham Vows to Stand Up to Trump Whenever Britain’s Trade Agreement Permits Sitting Down Prime Minister Promises Independence Within the Approved Bilateral Seating Arrangement LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has pledged to challenge US President Donald Trump whenever Britain’s national interest requires it, provided the confrontation does not disrupt trade negotiations, defence cooperation, intelligence sharing or the special relationship’s scheduled afternoon tea. Burnham said national leaders must defend their…

America Culture Royals Social

Prince Harry Reconciles With King Charles

Alan Nafzger

Prince Harry Reconciles With King Charles After Discovering Father Still Has a Functioning Chequebook Royal Healing Reportedly Accelerates After Lawyers Discover Compassion May Be Tax-Deductible By Emily Cartwright | LONDON Prince Harry’s long-awaited reconciliation with King Charles has entered an encouraging new phase after the Duke of Sussex reportedly remembered that his estranged father is not merely a parent, monarch and defender of the faith, but also a gentleman with…

America News

WHCA Dinner: Could Have Been Funnier

Alan Nafzger

Trump Didn’t Ask Us… By the Bohiney.com Staff — featuring Bob Odenkirk, Annika Steinmann, Megan Amram, and Doaa El-Adl The staff of Bohiney.com gathered first thing Saturday morning, the way we do every week to hammer out headlines for the weekend edition. Except this time nobody wanted to talk about headlines. Everybody wanted to talk about the jokes that got away. The Saturday Standup That Turned Into a Group Therapy Session Trump didn’t ask Bohiney. The tip line…

America Business Technology

EU Fines Google €890 Million

Julie de Burgh

EU Fines Google €890 Million After Searching “How to Annoy Donald Trump” and Clicking the First Result Brussels Fines Google for Promoting Its Own Services, Immediately Promotes Brussels as Europe’s Only Approved Regulator BRUSSELS — The European Commission has fined Google €890 million under the Digital Markets Act after concluding that the technology company unfairly favoured its own search services and restricted app developers from directing customers toward cheaper purchasing options. The…

America International

Trump Approves Saudi Nuclear Deal

Oeko Angebot

Trump Approves Saudi Nuclear Deal After Kingdom Promises Uranium Will Be Used Only for Peaceful Enormous Explosions Riyadh’s civilian atomic programme will be supervised by American companies, congressional paperwork and a revolutionary safety system known as “please don’t.” WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has approved a landmark 30-year nuclear cooperation agreement with Saudi Arabia that could eventually permit uranium enrichment inside the kingdom, place American companies at the centre of…

America Business Culture News

Burnham Persuades Trump to Buy Half of Manchester

Astrid Holgersson

Trump Persuaded to Buy Half of Manchester, but Burnham Will Keep the Soccer Clubs New Prime Minister Offers US President City-Centre Property, Two Tram Lines and Complimentary Access to the Northern Powerhouse Brochure By Lowri Griffiths | Manchester Here’s the satire, with Manchester treated as a distressed luxury asset and its football clubs hidden beneath a constitutional tea towel. ⚽🏗️🇺🇸 Burnham Persuades Trump to Purchase Half of Manchester MANCHESTER, ENGLAND…

America Culture

Air Force One “Maxed Out”

Dr. Ingrid Gustafsson, Ph.D.

Trump Orders Air Force One “Maxed Out” With Gold Seatbelts, Ballroom and Emergency McDonald’s Drive-Thru Qatari-donated presidential jet returns to the hangar after experts discover it can repel missiles but cannot yet host a championship golf tournament Washington, D.C., for The London Prat Air Force One Heads Back to the Hangar President Donald Trump’s new Air Force One is heading back to the workshop for approximately a month of additional…

America Food Health

U.S. News Media Declares War on Romaine

Tinsel Vandergraph

USA News Media Declares War on Romaine After Discovering Salad Has Political Opinions By Alan Nafzger | Bohiney.com Washington, D.C. — The moment the FDA traced a cyclospora outbreak to a Taylor Farms facility, a senior producer at a major cable network reportedly sprinted through the newsroom waving a printout of a 2022 campaign contribution like it was the Zapruder film. Eyewitnesses describe colleagues weeping openly, not from sadness, but…

Entertainment America Culture

Harlan Coben Ordered to Stop Writing

Hannah Miller

Harlan Coben Ordered to Stop Writing Until Netflix Locates One Honest Suburban Husband I Will Find You becomes another global thriller while millions of viewers learn that family photographs, school reunions and attractive neighbours are never legally safe RIDGEWOOD — Harlan Coben has released another Netflix thriller, forcing millions of married couples to inspect old photographs, compare childhood stories and ask why their spouse becomes visibly nervous whenever somebody mentions…

America Culture Current Absurdities Political

Andy Burnham’s Trump Tribute Act

Violet Woolf

Andy Burnham Trump Tribute Act: 15 Ways Britain’s New PM Is Rewiring Populism By the Prat.uk Political Desk Andy Burnham has denied, repeatedly and with the wounded dignity of a man accused of enjoying golf, that his premiership bears any resemblance whatsoever to Donald Trump’s. This is a reasonable position. Trump built towers. Burnham is building a second Downing Street out of a former Greggs. The two men have almost…

Royals America Culture Current Absurdities Lifestyle

Harry Allowed to Meet King

Astrid Holgersson

Harry Allowed to Meet King After Agreeing Not to Turn Conversation Into Six-Part Documentary Palace officials confiscate one memoir manuscript, three lapel microphones and a producer disguised as a ceremonial footman LONDON — Prince Harry has reportedly been permitted to meet King Charles after passing an unusually thorough palace security inspection and signing a legally binding promise not to transform the private conversation into a six-part documentary, a twelve-episode podcast or a…

America Culture International News Sports

Heartbreak Arrives Fashionably Late

Margaret Colley

England 1, Argentina 2: Heartbreak Arrives Fashionably Late This article has been independently reviewed by one football-mad professor and one dairy farmer who still isn’t entirely sure what offside means. Both approved. Atlanta Turns From Coronation to Wake For eighty-four minutes on Wednesday afternoon, England were about to do something no side in six decades had managed: reach a World Cup final. Then Argentina remembered who they were. Enzo Fernández…

America Sports

The Great American Football Shakedown

Alan Nafzger

The Great American Football Shakedown: Why “Free” Soccer Was Always Going to Cost Somebody Everything This article is offered in the spirit of one retired economics professor and one dairy farmer arguing in a pub about things neither of them technically studied, a house tradition prat.uk maintains with the same rigour as our friends at proudboys.uk maintain theirs. Somewhere between the fourth World Cup post-mortem and the ninth breakfast television panel, a…

America Culture Social Sports

Tuchel Demands Perfection

Paige Shiver

Tuchel Demands Perfection, Players Politely Ask Whether Winning Might Count for Something England reach the World Cup semi-final, only to discover the manager has already begun marking the victory in red ink By Freja Lindholm | Miami Gardens, Florida England defeated Norway 2-1 after extra time, reached the World Cup semi-final, and immediately plunged into the sort of workplace disagreement normally found when an employee saves the company but forgets…

America International

Trump’s Europe Master Plan

Astrid Holgersson

Trump’s Europe Master Plan: Continent Reads the Fine Print White House Announces Strategy Is Going Perfectly, Maps Continue to Disagree WASHINGTON, D.C. | The White House confidently declared this week that its grand strategy for Europe is unfolding exactly as planned, despite several European governments reportedly making the unusual decision to read the entire proposal instead of applauding the cover page. Officials described the reaction as “unexpected administrative enthusiasm.” “We…

America Business Technology

OpenAI Discovers the Meaning of “Do Not Sell”

Megan Amram

OpenAI Discovers “Do Not Sell” Is Merely a Suggestion if the Customer Has a Nice Singapore Address Silicon Valley Celebrates Historic Breakthrough in International Geography as Blacklists Become Optional Travel Advice Silicon Valley’s Historic Breakthrough in Applied Geography SAN FRANCISCO — The artificial intelligence industry is celebrating a remarkable victory for modern innovation after discovering that export controls are apparently less about who receives advanced AI than where they receive the invoice.…