Category: America

Democratic Socialists: Economics Discovered, Complaint Filed BROOKLYN, New York. Democratic socialists called an emergency policy forum this week after several members accidentally bumped into basic economics and described the encounter as “violent,” “deeply problematic,” and “obviously funded by billionaires.” The crisis started when a junior organizer cracked open a dusty textbook and discovered the concept of scarcity, at which point three committee members fainted backward into tote bags. “Scarcity is…

Democratic Socialists: The App That Shares Your To-Do List MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota. Democratic socialists unveiled a new government productivity app this week, designed to solve inequality by redistributing chores, errands, deadlines, competence, punctuality, and the burden of being the only person in the house who knows where the scissors are. The app, called ShareTheLoad.gov, promises a fairer society by spotting people who finish tasks efficiently and assigning them extra tasks from…

Democratic Socialists: Wealth By Loudly Disapproving Of It CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts. Democratic socialists unveiled a revolutionary economic doctrine this week, having concluded that producing wealth is mostly unnecessary and possibly rude, provided a society keeps a healthy supply of moral certainty, committee chairs, reusable water bottles, and people willing to explain Scandinavia incorrectly. The announcement came at the Annual Conference on Equitable Abundance, where organizers introduced their new model, the Economy…

Socialist Soccer League: Every Goal Gets Redistributed PORTLAND, Oregon. Democratic socialists this week unveiled the nation’s first fully equitable Socialist Soccer League, a sporting experiment built to eliminate the oppressive inequalities caused by talent, effort, practice, competition, ambition, and keeping score accurately. Organizers call it a breakthrough in social justice and recreational disappointment. “We asked ourselves a simple question,” said Commissioner River Equality-Moonbeam. “Why should the best team win? That…

Socialist Utopia: Free Everything, No One On The Night Shift CHICAGO, Illinois. Democratic socialists announced Monday that their long-awaited model society is finally complete, offering universal housing, universal healthcare, universal college, universal childcare, universal transportation, universal emotional validation, and universal confusion over who’s supposed to fix the boiler. The project, People’s Tomorrow Village, was hailed as the first fully compassionate community in America. Every resident receives everything they need, nobody…

Democratic Socialists Nationalize A $14.75 Lemonade Stand MADISON, Wisconsin. Democratic socialists celebrated a major victory for economic justice this week after successfully nationalizing a neighborhood lemonade stand that had been generating what activists called deeply unequal beverage outcomes. The stand, run by nine-year-old Emma Parker, was accused of concentrating excessive wealth after recording profits of $14.75 on a busy Saturday. “Whenever one individual controls the means of refreshment, democracy is…

Democratic Socialists: Scarcity Abolished, Shelves Disagree SEATTLE, Washington. Democratic socialists celebrated a historic victory this week after formally voting to abolish scarcity during a three-day conference titled Another World Is Possible If We Stop Counting Things. Delegates approved the measure unanimously, although the attendance records remain unclear, since organizers also voted to abolish arithmetic. The declaration means that food, housing, healthcare, energy, labor, building materials, rare earth minerals, skilled tradesmen,…

Chez Redistribution: Free Meals, Nobody Washes The Dishes AUSTIN, Texas. Democratic socialists opened America’s first fully equitable restaurant this week, promising free meals, worker dignity, community ownership, anti-capitalist hospitality, and an end to the brutal historical oppression of menu prices. The restaurant, Chez Redistribution, opened on a wave of optimism. No customer would be excluded by cost. No server would suffer under hierarchy. No chef would dominate the kitchen. No…