Mamdani Warns Netanyahu About New York Reception, Israel Replies That Surviving October 7 and Iranian Terror Makes a Brooklyn Protest Seem Like Brunch NYC mayor discovers municipal foreign policy has one tiny limitation: foreign countries do not have to obey it Mayor Zohran Mamdani has warned that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu can expect protests when he arrives in New York for the United Nations General Assembly, apparently transforming City Hall…
Milei Cites “Winds of Change” in Falklands Push, Britain Notes That Wind Has Also Been Known to Blow Nowhere in Particular A policy review, an old grudge over Iran, and 1,513 voters who really, really meant it The Falklands dispute has roared back into relevance this week after President Trump announced he was reviewing the U.S. position on the islands, a statement that technically means nothing and practically means everything,…
Trump Offers UK a Deal: Renounce Socialism, Keep the Falklands Britain asked to choose between the NHS and 3,400 sheep farmers, in what officials are calling “an unusually specific hostage situation” LONDON — The real-world spark for this satire is President Trump’s refusal to guarantee American support for Britain in a future Falklands conflict, saying Britain had not been there for the United States during the Iran war: https://news.sky.com/story/trump-avoids-backing-uk-over-falklands-saying-britain-not-there-to-help-in-iran-13581044. The…
Iran Demands World Believe Its Wedding Story, World Unhelpfully Remembers Tehran Also Said It Didn’t Shoot Down Flight 752 Islamic Republic discovers credibility cannot be enriched to weapons-grade levels after years of storing facts at undeclared locations Iranian officials demanded that the international community immediately believe Tehran’s account of a deadly strike on a wedding celebration, prompting diplomats around the world to perform the ancient diplomatic ritual known as looking…
The Insanity Defense: Because Murder Apparently Comes With a Psychiatric Customer-Service Desk The Lindsay Clancy Trial Turns a Massachusetts Courtroom Into a Seminar on Whether Planning Counts as Not Knowing What You’re Doing The insanity defense has always occupied a special place in American law. It is the only legal doctrine where a defendant can allegedly plan an activity, wait for privacy, calculate timing, carry out several deliberate acts, conceal…
America’s Perfect Chinese-American Candidate for 2028: A Very British Guide to the Yanks’ Latest Constitutional Loophole Every four years our American cousins promise the electorate a candidate who is “finally different,” and every four years he turns out to be exactly the same fellow with a new haircut and a fresh grievance. This cycle, however, Washington has genuinely surpassed itself, and it falls to us here at The London Prat…
Trump Declares War on His Own Spies After Discovering the CIA Gave His Briefing a “Deep Tissue,” Demands Full Refund By The London Prat’s Man in Washington — Filing From a Bar Near the White House With a Suspiciously Good View WASHINGTON — Donald Trump has accused his own intelligence services of “deliberately massaging” his daily briefing, which is either the gravest constitutional crisis America has faced in years or…
Zeus’ Law: The Bronze Age’s Worst-Enforced Terms of Service Before Yelp, before TripAdvisor, before a single furious email to hotel management with “TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN” in 24-point font, there was Xenia — the sacred Greek code of hospitality, personally underwritten by Zeus, King of the Gods and, apparently, Chief Compliance Officer of the entire Aegean. The law was elegant in its simplicity: feed the stranger, shelter the traveller,…
Guardian Warns $500,000 Grant Could Expose Britons to Dangerous Extremist Concept of Limited Government US offers Britain money to study Magna Carta, Westminster places Magna Carta under investigation as nation discovers foreign interference precisely when America starts funding free speech LONDON — Britain entered a constitutional state of emergency Saturday after The Guardian reported that the US Embassy is offering grants worth up to $500,000 for public-education programmes promoting freedom of speech,…
Prince Harry Reportedly Drafting Apology, William Demands It Be Notarized, Fact-Checked and Boiled First Buckingham Palace Orders Every Olive Branch X-Rayed for Microphones, Publishing Contracts and a Cameo from Oprah LONDON — Prince Harry is reportedly considering the single most radical maneuver of his royal career: apologizing. According to multiple reports, Harry and Meghan have discussed a public apology acknowledging the pain of recent years as part of a broader…
Britain and France Promise to Defend Freedom of Navigation Just as Soon as Iran’s Pirates Promise Not to Shoot Back Royal Navy Prepared to Confront Iranian Pirates, Contingent on Pirates Providing Written Assurance Confrontation Won’t Occur LONDON | Britain and France have reaffirmed their unwavering commitment to freedom of navigation in the Strait of Hormuz, provided freedom can be defended somewhere quiet, preferably during office hours, and without anyone firing…
Prince Harry Wants Meghan Back Beside Him in Britain, Royal Family Quietly Searches Attic for 2020 Terms and Conditions Sussex reconciliation reportedly enters the dangerous phase where everyone discovers somebody kept the paperwork LONDON — Prince Harry’s continuing efforts to rebuild bridges with Britain have apparently reached the most frightening stage of any family reconciliation: somebody has gone looking for the original agreement. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex formally…
Meghan Accused of Betraying King Charles by Discussing Secret Meeting, Royal Family Shocked Private Conversation Survived Nearly Four Weeks King Charles Gives Meghan Another Chance at Family Privacy, California Dinner Party Immediately Receives Executive Summary Montecito, California The latest chapter in Britain’s longest-running family group chat began after Martha Stewart said Meghan Markle discussed her recent European trip and royal reunion at a California dinner party. Another attendee has since disputed Stewart’s…
Governor Abbott Discovers Texas Airports Were Quietly Offering First-Class Boarding to the First Amendment DFW Cancels Islamic Washing Facility After Learning Religious Neutrality Still Applies Between the Starbucks and Gate D22 By the Texas Bureau AUSTIN, TEXAS — Governor Greg Abbott has threatened to reconsider state funding for Dallas–Fort Worth and Houston airports over facilities designed specifically for Islamic ritual washing, according to Newsweek’s report on the Texas airport controversy. Airport executives…
Prince Harry Searching for Something He’ll Never Find, Palace Checks Lost-and-Found for Accountability Royal experts say the Duke may be looking for happiness, identity, reconciliation or the receipt for Spare Royal Correspondence Desk LONDON — A royal commentator claims Prince Harry is “searching for something he’s not going to find” and may therefore never be happy, according to a recent report. The observation follows six years in which the Duke of…
Carrier Survives Iran, Exhaustion and Endless Marxist Media Attacks—Then Encounters Moronic Democrats Who Believe Nothing Except Their Own Posts Left-wing media reports seven sailors dead; Navy responds with the dirty journalistic trick of checking ARABIAN SEA — The USS Abraham Lincoln has survived hostile waters, 260 days at sea, thousands of aircraft movements and the expenditure of 1.5 million pounds of ordnance. Then it encountered something for which no modern…
Secret Sussex Divorce Strategy Leaks, Confirming the Couple Still Cannot Keep Anything Secret The couple reportedly explores separate futures as Netflix prepares a tasteful eight-part documentary about who gets custody of the grievances By Royal Correspondence Desk Montecito Sources Describe a Marriage Running on Two Separate Calendars MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle may have finally discovered the one project capable of restoring worldwide interest in the Sussex…
Andy Burnham Messages Fake Trump Official, Finally Establishes Diplomatic Relations at His Own Level Impostor Poses as Trump’s Chief of Staff, Burnham Responds Before Checking Whether America Has WhatsApp Downing Street confirms nothing important was disclosed, prompting an urgent inquiry into whether the prime minister possesses anything important to disclose The London Prat Political Desk LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham exchanged messages with an unknown individual impersonating Donald Trump’s…
Britain Reviews Foreign Political Money, Donation Box Proudly Announces It Has Wi-Fi Independent report recommends due diligence and the radical security measure of asking where £100,000 came from WESTMINSTER — Britain’s political parties have been advised to strengthen protection against foreign financial influence after an independent review concluded that the risk of impermissible overseas money remains high. Parliament responded immediately by placing a padlock on the donation box while leaving…
Operation Fully Monitored: The Complete Record of Iran’s Campaign Against One College Student A regime with satellites in its slogans and a bug zapper in its budget spent eleven months, $10 million of imaginary money and its entire remaining dignity trying to frighten a twenty-year-old with an Xbox TEHRAN — There are moments when a government tells you precisely what it has become, and the Islamic Republic of Iran has just…
Harry and Meghan Plan UK Return, Britain Checks Palace Attic for Spare Emotional Baggage Sussexes reportedly consider moving the family back as royal reconciliation acquires school uniforms, security invoices and a production schedule. LONDON — Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly considering a return to Britain, with questions continuing over security arrangements and British schooling for their children, according to The Independent’s coverage of the Sussexes’ possible UK move. The reverse…
UK Graduate Jobs Fall to Ten-Year Low, Universities Add Master’s Degree in Moving Back With Parents Class of 2026 enters an exciting employment market offering unpaid experience, emotional resilience and a staff discount on despair. LONDON — Graduate vacancies in Britain have reportedly fallen to their lowest level in a decade, a development highlighted in The Guardian’s 24 August UK political and economic news summary. Universities responded by moving the graduation ceremony closer…
Amazon Shreds Rare Books to Train AI, Chatbot Now Believes Shakespeare Wrote Harry Potter By the Literature Disposal Desk LAS VEGAS, Nevada — Amazon has reportedly discovered the most efficient way to preserve the written heritage of humanity: purchase rare books, slice off their spines, scan their pages and bin whatever remains. According to an investigation by 404 Media, the operation was uncovered after a bookseller concealed an AirTag inside one…
Royal Foundation Raises £8.7 Million From Americans Who Apparently Prefer Their British Royals Still Living in Britain William and Kate win the transatlantic charity contest as Harry commissions a six-part documentary about how losing made him feel LONDON — The Royal Foundation of the Prince and Princess of Wales received nearly £8.7 million from its American fundraising arm in 2025, according to Yahoo Entertainment’s report on William and Kate’s transatlantic fundraising…
Meghan Markle Hits 22% Approval in Britain, Immediately Announces 78% of Country Simply Hasn’t Heard Her Side Yet Netflix reportedly standing by with enough cameras to make absolutely certain they hear it LONDON — Meghan Markle has reportedly responded to a British favourability rating of just 22% by concluding that the remaining 78% of the population must simply require additional Meghan Markle. It is a strategy familiar to anyone who…
Martha Stewart Torches Meghan’s Netflix Cookery Show, Fire Brigade Finds Only Scented Candles and a Slightly Singed Union Jack Tea Towel With Love, Meghan teaches ordinary Britons how to prepare a simple family breakfast using imported flowers, artisanal butter and a household budget roughly equal to the GDP of a mid-sized Commonwealth nation MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA — America’s own domestic goddess Martha Stewart has delivered the most devastating review yet of…
Wisconsin Socialist Cancels Thanksgiving, Replaces Turkey With State-Distributed Tofu Francesca Hong Seeks to Govern Wisconsin Despite Reportedly Being Frightened by Wisconsin MADISON, Wisconsin — Wisconsin gubernatorial candidate Francesca Hong is facing criticism after a deleted 2020 social-media post resurfaced in which she called for Thanksgiving to be cancelled, described the holiday as a celebration of colonialism, and connected it to historical harm against Indigenous people. Other resurfaced remarks reportedly included…
Britain Imports Powerball, Finally Gains Access to American-Size Disappointment Nation That Cannot Predict Tuesday’s Train Now Confidently Predicts Six Random Balls in Florida LONDON — Britain has strengthened its special relationship with the United States by importing Powerball, an American lottery capable of producing jackpots exceeding £1 billion, along with disappointment large enough to require its own postcode. UK players now compete for the same enormous jackpot as Americans, although…
Meghan Markle Posts Beach Photos, American Morning Television Rediscovers the Monarchy It Fought a War to Escape Tabloid economists report the strongest quarter for royal content since the last wedding nobody in Ohio could quite explain watching NEW YORK — Meghan Markle posted a carousel of summer holiday photographs to Instagram last week, and American morning television responded the way it responds to all major world events: by clearing forty-five minutes and…
Fifteen Observations Harry and Meghan Protect Prince Archie’s Privacy Photos Posted: Prince Archie of Sussex Harry and Meghan protect Archie’s privacy by releasing only photographs selected, edited, captioned and distributed to several million strangers. The Sussex privacy policy is straightforward: nobody may photograph the children unless the photograph has first passed through the Department of Parental Art Direction. Royal reporters complain when Archie is absent from photographs, then complain that…
