Tag: Treasury

Culture Family Governance Social

Britain Begins Listening to the Elderly

Megan Amram

Britain Begins Listening to the Elderly, Government Immediately Discovers Most of Its Problems Were Solved in 1978 Nation stunned to learn people who have spent 70 years being alive may possess information unavailable from consultants, apps, focus groups and 146-page government strategy documents LONDON — Britain has launched an unprecedented national experiment in which younger people, government departments and corporate executives will occasionally listen to someone over the age of…

Business Culture Current Absurdities

British Steel Nationalised

Charlotte Whitmore

British Steel Nationalised After Government Discovers Gravity Also Works Better When It’s State-Owned Ministers Confirm: If It Falls Down, It’s Now Officially Ours In a move hailed by absolutely nobody as “necessary” and by everybody else as “Tuesday,” the government has formally nationalised British Steel, insisting that the laws of physics — much like the trains, the mail, and everyone’s collective will to live — function considerably better once the…

Business Current Absurdities

Treasury Celebrates 0.1% Growth

Vivienne Pratfall

Treasury Celebrates 0.1% Growth, Economists Upgrade National Mood From “Sigh” to “Mild Shrug” Nation’s Mood Officially Reclassified, Champagne Remains Unopened The Treasury has confirmed that the UK economy grew by 0.1% last quarter, a figure officials are describing, without a trace of irony, as “significant momentum,” while independent economists have responded by formally upgrading the national mood from its previous setting of “sigh” to the considerably more optimistic “mild shrug.”…

Business

Interest Rates Frozen at 3.75%

Violet Woolf

Interest Rates Frozen at 3.75% Until Economy Agrees to Stop Having International Events Bank of England Asks Wars, Oil Markets and Foreign Governments to Respect Its Forward Guidance All 70 Economists Surveyed Expect No Change LONDON, England — The Bank of England is expected to hold interest rates at 3.75% after concluding that the British economy remains highly vulnerable to international events occurring without prior permission from Threadneedle Street. All…

America Governance International Political

Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump

AMW

Prime Minister Promises Tough Words for Trump Following Full Impact Assessment of Tough Words Britain Will Issue Strong Statement Once Treasury Calculates Effect on Exports, Sterling and Canapé Supply LONDON, England — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has promised to use tough words against President Donald Trump whenever necessary, but only after Whitehall completes a comprehensive assessment of whether each adjective could affect trade, defence contracts or the availability of miniature sausage…

Current Absurdities Lifestyle News Relationships Social

Women’s Vices Matter

Emily Cartwright

Women’s Vices Matter: London Campaign Demands Equal Access to Bad Habits New movement says equality means women deserve the same freedom as men to gamble, drink, lie about golf and expense a hotel minibar LONDON — A New Front in the Equality Wars Women’s voices matter? Not quite! It’s the “vices” that matter! — Alan Nafzger A new campaign called Women’s Vices Matter has launched in central London, demanding that…

Culture News Social

Andy Burnham’s Redistribution of Wealth Plan

Roper Penberthy

Andy Burnham’s Northern Redistribution Plan: Ten Absurd Examples Exaggeration and irony, deployed at motorway speed, with a diversion via Rochdale 1. London’s Spare Money Will Be Located and Sent North Treasury investigators will search behind every sofa in Kensington, underneath every champagne bucket in Mayfair and inside the expense accounts of consultants who charged £900,000 to recommend “regional fairness.” Any recovered coins will be loaded onto HS2, meaning they should…

Culture Governance

Pension Reforms Are “Totally Voluntary”

Violet Woolf

Government Insists Mansion House Pension Reforms Are “Totally Voluntary,” Also Passes Law Forcing Everyone to Do Them By The London Prat, Department of Contradictory Statements The Chancellor has once again reassured the nation that the Mansion House Accord — under which pension funds are politely invited to invest in UK assets — is a purely voluntary arrangement, entered into freely by consenting adults in expensive suits. She made this reassurance,…

Culture Business Current Absurdities

New Economic Strategy

Emily Cartwright

Government Announces New Economic Strategy: Rename Every Problem “Growth” Until Investors Relax Treasury Unveils Bold New Vocabulary Instead of Bold New Policy In what insiders are calling the most significant rebrand since Marathon became Snickers, the Treasury has confirmed that, going forward, every economic indicator — good, bad, or catastrophically flat — will simply be referred to as “growth,” in the hope that investors, much like toddlers, can be soothed…

Culture Governance Political Social

Icing on The Cake

Margaret Colley

Government Announces New Tax on Icing, Calls It the Icing on the Cake Britain Solves Every National Crisis by Decorating It, While Ministers Insist Buttercream Is Now Official Economic Policy LONDON –– The Government unveiled what officials described as “Britain’s sweetest fiscal reform in generations” after announcing a new National Icing Levy, assuring taxpayers that adding another tax was simply “the icing on the cake.” Ministers insisted the levy would transform…

Governance News Social

Labour Defence Crisis Deepens

Julie de Burgh

Labour Defence Crisis Deepens After Ministers Discover Tanks Cannot Be Paid For With Positive Thinking LONDON. The Ministry of Defence was plunged into fresh turmoil this week after senior officials reportedly learned, to their visible distress, that armoured vehicles cannot be procured through manifestation, vision boards, or a really sincere group meditation. The revelation, described by one aide as “the worst budget meeting since the last budget meeting,” has forced…

Culture Governance News Social

Britain’s Military

Yasmina Khan

Britain’s Military Launches Bring-Your-Own-Equipment Scheme After Latest Defence Spending Talks 🇬🇧 LONDON 🇬🇧 Britain’s military unveiled a bold new initiative this week requiring soldiers to provide their own equipment after defence spending negotiations reportedly concluded with the phrase, “Have we tried Facebook Marketplace?” The Ministry of Defence described the Bring-Your-Own-Equipment programme — BYOE to those already browsing eBay for surplus night-vision goggles — as “a modern, flexible approach to warfare” empowering personnel to leverage existing household assets…