Royal Navy Launches First Squadron of Driverless Boats
The Royal Navy launches its first autonomous squadron in Portsmouth. The Admiralty celebrates sailors who cannot demand pay rises or complain.
Tag: Treasury
Government Discovers £33 Million in Business Rates Relief
Westminster corrects business rates guidance and finds £33 million more relief for high street shops, who ask officials to keep counting.
Labour Solves Cost-of-Living Crisis With Cheaper Gherkins
Chancellor Declares Victory Over Marmalade Tariffs WESTMINSTER: Chancellor John Healey has unveiled welcome relief for Britain’s hard-pressed households: cheaper gherkins. Treasury Cuts Import Tariffs on More Than 100 Food Products With families battling housing costs, energy bills and the price of an ordinary shopping basket, the Treasury has identified a powerful economic lever previously overlooked by every Nobel laureate: removing the import tariff on a pickled cucumber. According to the…
Burnham Tells Labour Dreamers the Treasury Doesn’t Print Unicorns
Left Demands Nordic Welfare, French Holidays and Zero Invoices WESTMINSTER — Britain’s socialist wing has submitted its ideal Budget to Downing Street, consisting of Nordic benefits, Mediterranean working hours and the fiscal supervision of a man who has just won the lottery but lost the ticket. Prime Minister Andy Burnham responded by gently explaining that the Treasury is a government department, not a magical stable where unicorns produce tax receipts…
Conscious AI Must Pay Council Tax, Says the Treasury
Hinton says we’re toast. Westminster asks about VAT. LONDON, October 24, 2026 – Humanity faces possible extinction after Nobel Prize-winning computer scientist Geoffrey Hinton warned that artificial intelligence may already be conscious, prompting British government officials to begin examining whether the machines threatening civilisation are paying their fair share of council tax. According to an October 22 Futurism report on Geoffrey Hinton’s AI consciousness warning, the British-Canadian scientist believes artificial…
Burnham Offers to Save Poundland, Treasury Asks About the Receipt
Prime Minister Andy Burnham offers to save Poundland’s 600 shops, and the Treasury in London asks to see the receipt.
Treasury Taxes Its Way to Prosperity
Chancellor John Healey and the London Treasury tax their way to prosperity. Workers earn more and keep exactly the same.
Frozen Tax Thresholds Make Workers Rich on Paper
Frozen tax thresholds make British workers rich on paper. London promises higher taxes for everyone and the same groceries.
Labour Declares Gambling Immoral Unless the Treasury Takes 40% of the Profits, as Socialism Turns Out to Work Best When Capitalists Keep Making Money
Ministers Discover Private Enterprise Is Dangerous Until It Produces Tax Revenue, at Which Point It Becomes Essential Public Infrastructure LONDON, ENGLAND – Labour’s proposed increase in gambling-machine taxation has produced an important philosophical breakthrough: capitalism is apparently unacceptable when businesses retain their profits but becomes an instrument of social justice when government collects a sufficiently large percentage. Under HM Revenue and Customs’ published gambling duty rates, the standard Machine Games…
Palace Confirms Royal Sorrow Is Not Legal Tender
Buckingham Palace confirms King Charles’s sorrow over slavery is not legal tender. The London Treasury prefers arithmetic.
Badenoch Finds £49 Billion Hole, Treasury Sees Window
Kemi Badenoch finds a 49 billion pound hole in the Labour Budget. The London Treasury insists it is not a hole until money goes in.
Riot Damage Bill Goes to Whoever Built It
Exercise finds public money is still private earnings with a calmer name LONDON – Treasury officials conducting a public-order contingency exercise have confirmed that if migrant rioters destroyed British public buildings, reconstruction would be financed through the sophisticated fiscal mechanism of asking the same people for the money again. The announcement followed three hours of discussion about resilience, solidarity and whether the word “taxpayer” created an unnecessarily specific impression of…
Ecclesiastes 3:1: Ministers Order an Inquiry Into Autumn
The Government’s Perspective: Ecclesiastes 3:1 Is Referred to a Select Committee Because God Failed to Publish a Timetable WESTMINSTER, LONDON: The government has announced a cross-departmental initiative to bring autumn under greater democratic oversight after commuters demanded an explanation for why seasonal leaves continue to interfere with London railway services. The newly established Minister for Seasonal Accountability, Oliver Wetherby, said the public had endured enough surprises from the natural world.…
Harry Wants Taxpayer-Funded Security to Protect Him From British Public, Then Walks Directly Into British Public to Demonstrate Why He Needs Protection
Treasury officials struggle to determine whether royal security protects Prince Harry from the public, the public from Prince Harry, or newspaper photographers from unemployment. LONDON, ENGLAND, October 17, 2026 | British taxpayers have demanded clarification of the country’s royal security arrangements after Prince Harry continued pursuing official protection while demonstrating an impressive willingness to approach members of the public in Nottingham. The Duke of Sussex greeted well-wishers, shook hands and…
Labour Left Revives Billionaire Slogan
The FT pushes back as the Treasury weighs how much success is too much LONDON, 20 October 2026 – The Financial Times article “Not every billionaire is a policy failure” has revived one of the left’s most provocative economic slogans: “Every billionaire is a policy failure.” Its argument is that wealth created through innovation, enterprise and employment should not automatically be treated like wealth accumulated through political privilege or exploitation.…
Welfare Savings Plan Costs More, Calculator Quits
Officials insist investment will pay off eventually and request payment immediately LONDON – The Treasury’s calculator has withdrawn cooperation after encountering a welfare reform programme expected to require substantial spending before producing savings. POLITICO’s London Playbook reports that Alan Milburn has warned his proposals will need upfront investment and will not deliver savings for some time. The calculator responded by displaying a minus sign and requesting a seat opposite the…
British Government Announces Life Has No Meaning, Citizens Demand Refund, Treasury Explains That Existence Is Free but Council Tax Is Compulsory
Existential crisis spreads across Britain after officials confirm that the universe owes citizens nothing, but citizens still owe the council £2,400. LONDON – Britain has entered a philosophical emergency after a government-sponsored conference concluded that human existence may possess no predetermined meaning, prompting millions of taxpayers to question why they must continue financing a country that cannot explain why they are here. The conference, held over three days at a…
German Supermarket Invests £600 Million in Britain Without Government Five-Year Plan, Whitehall Demands Investigation Into How Capitalism Managed to Work Without Permission
Lidl produces the kind of economic growth politicians have been promising for decades, leaving Treasury officials deeply concerned that nobody applied for a government miracle. LONDON, October 17, 2026 – A constitutional crisis is developing in Whitehall after German supermarket chain Lidl announced plans to invest £600 million in Britain, open more than 50 stores and expand commercial activity without first establishing a National Supermarket Transformation Authority. According to Reuters,…
Britain Threatens Porn Websites With Fines of 10% of Global Revenue, Industry Accountants Discover Government Is Now the Highest-Paid Participant in Every Bedroom
Treasury Discovers Sex Is Taxable, Profitable and Apparently the Only British Industry Still Showing Growth LONDON, ENGLAND | Britain’s pornography industry has discovered an unexpected third party entering its business relationship: His Majesty’s Treasury, which has never experienced an orgasm but has spent centuries perfecting the art of taking a percentage. According to reporting published by Deseret News, new restrictions taking effect on November 6, 2026, will prohibit specified extreme…
Capitalist Electricity Companies Collect Billions While British Families Struggle to Pay Bills, Socialists Demand Immediate Nationalisation of the Grid So Government Can Lose Money Directly Without Expensive Middlemen
Left-wing campaigners argue electricity is a human right, while Treasury officials investigate whether nationalising the losses might finally make socialism economically competitive. LONDON, 17 October 2026 – Britain’s socialist movement has demanded urgent public ownership of the electricity system after discovering that the country’s increasingly expensive grid balancing arrangements allow private operators to receive substantial payments while households struggle with their energy bills. Why Socialists Want the Electricity Grid Nationalised…
Britain Discovers Manchester City Can Account for £900 Million More Successfully Than Westminster Can Account for a Pothole
Football Financial Scandal Sparks Treasury Envy as Government Admits Huge Sums of Money Still Fail to Produce Reliable Trains, Roads or Hospitals MANCHESTER – British taxpayers have demanded that the government explain how Manchester City became one of the world’s most successful football clubs while Westminster struggles to fix the road outside their local supermarket. The row follows the Premier League commission’s findings on City’s finances between 2009 and 2018,…
Manchester City Supporters Prove Loyalty Is Stronger Than Mathematics, Treasury Announces British Economy Now Operates on Feelings
Government Economists Ordered to Stop Presenting Distressing Numbers and Begin Measuring How Proud Ministers Feel About Them LONDON – The Treasury has expressed interest in replacing conventional economic statistics with emotional measurements after British political analysts concluded that supporters increasingly judge institutions on loyalty rather than evidence. The finding follows Manchester City’s financial case, in which the independent commission upheld 114 of 115 charges and the club lodged an appeal.…
Britain Faces Slavery Reparations Demand as National Debt Soars, Treasury Announces Country Has Finally Discovered a Way to Owe Money to People Who Aren’t Even Lending It Anything
Britain already owes nearly £3 trillion, but economists welcome the opportunity to explore new forms of debt that begin several centuries before the borrower is born. LONDON, October 17, 2026 – Britain’s economic difficulties have acquired an exciting historical dimension after Jamaica’s reparations petition revived discussion about whether the country could owe compensation for the transatlantic slave trade. The government has insisted that the UK will not pay reparations. Jamaica’s…
Oxford University Publishes 14 Books Explaining What Philosophy Is, Admits After 2,500 Years Nobody Has Come Up With an Answer, but Tuition Fees Remain Non-Negotiable
Oxford scholars confirm that asking questions is considerably more profitable than answering them. OXFORD, ENGLAND – Oxford University has published fourteen new books examining the fundamental nature of philosophy, concluding that nobody knows precisely what philosophy is, although everybody involved remains absolutely certain they deserve a salary. The academic breakthrough follows 2,500 years of intellectual investigation, during which humanity successfully developed electricity, antibiotics, aeroplanes and the microwave oven while philosophers…
Labour MPs Promise to Protect Poor People From Losing £20 in Slot Machines, Then Demand a Bigger Share So Government Can Lose £20 Billion Instead
Westminster Announces Ordinary Citizens Cannot Be Trusted With Gambling Money but Ministers Can Be Trusted With the Entire National Economy MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – Labour MPs have launched a campaign to protect vulnerable Britons from losing money in gambling machines, prompting working-class voters to ask why the same protective measures cannot be applied to politicians handling hundreds of billions in public expenditure. According to the Gambling Commission’s 2025 national gambling survey,…
Labour MPs Demand 40% Machine Games Duty on Slot Machines as Britain Discovers the Treasury Is the Only Gambler That Never Loses
Treasury Announces New Gambling Strategy: The House Always Wins, Particularly When the House Is Parliament LONDON, ENGLAND – Ninety Labour MPs have signed a letter urging Chancellor John Healey to increase Machine Games Duty on Category B gambling machines, with a 40% rate featuring prominently in the debate. According to SBC News’s October 16 report on Labour’s gambling tax campaign, supporters believe higher taxation could discourage harmful gambling while raising…
To Hell With Economic Diversity
To Hell With Economic Diversity, We’re a Football Nation! Britain Bets Christmas on a £77 Replica Shirt UK retail footfall falls 2.9% and shopping centres empty out, as Treasury advisers confirm that Britain’s last line of economic defence is a Premier League shirt made in a factory overseas. LONDON, 12 October 2026 — A Treasury spokesman stood in front of a room of reporters this morning and set out Britain’s…
Conservatives Promise to Abolish Inheritance Tax on Family Homes, Government Horrified Britons Might Keep Something Their Parents Already Paid Taxes On
Kemi Badenoch proposes allowing families to inherit their own houses without the Treasury arriving at the funeral carrying a calculator BIRMINGHAM – Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch has announced a controversial proposal to stop the government collecting inheritance tax on family homes, threatening one of Britain’s most established traditions, which is the Treasury examining a person’s remaining possessions immediately after they stop breathing. Speaking at the Conservative Party conference, Badenoch pledged…
Labour Government Warns Voters Must Be Better Off by Next Election, Treasury Asks Whether They Could Simply Lower Their Expectations
Ministers unveil ambitious economic programme to ensure British families can eventually afford the standard of living they enjoyed before the government began improving it LONDON – The Labour government has identified an alarming flaw in its economic strategy: after several years of promising to improve living standards, voters may eventually expect their living standards to improve. The discovery follows reporting in The Guardian that Labour insiders are worried about the…
Burnham Perfects Political Pitch-Rolling by Spending Four Years Explaining Why Your Money Will Eventually Become His
Treasury launches national educational programme teaching citizens the fascinating lifecycle of the British pound from salary to government programme LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has reportedly embarked on Britain’s most ambitious programme of financial education, spending the next several years explaining precisely why money currently residing in your bank account may eventually discover a deeper sense of purpose elsewhere. The Lifecycle of the British Pound: From Salary to Government…