Fourteen physicians, a bucket of blood, hot irons and pigeon droppings on the royal feet: the Merry Monarch’s last week was no laughing matter WHITEHALL, 6 February 1685 – Charles II, the Merry Monarch, died after four days of the most ambitious medical care ever inflicted on an English king. He had survived exile, civil war, plague and the Great Fire of London. He did not survive his doctors. As…
The first president caught a sore throat in the sleet and was bled into the grave by three of the finest physicians in Virginia MOUNT VERNON, VIRGINIA, 14 December 1799 – George Washington, the man who beat the British Army, refused a crown and handed back power after two terms, died at home on a Saturday night aged sixty-seven. He’d had a sore throat for about a day and a…
A dawn duel on a New Jersey ledge, a rowing boat across the Hudson and an argument about who fired first that has outlived everyone involved WEEHAWKEN, NEW JERSEY, 11 July 1804 – Alexander Hamilton, the first Treasury Secretary of the United States and a man who wrote more words before breakfast than most of his rivals managed in a year, was shot by the sitting Vice President on a…
The Emperor who conquered Europe was packed off by the British to a rock in the South Atlantic, where his stomach, his house and his enemies finished the job LONGWOOD HOUSE, ST HELENA, 5 May 1821 – Napoleon Bonaparte, who had once ruled more of Europe than anyone since Charlemagne, died at around eleven minutes to six in the evening in a damp, rat-infested house on one of the most…
A British comedy on stage, a twenty-three-year-old army surgeon in the audience, and a bed too short for the patient WASHINGTON, 15 April 1865 – Abraham Lincoln died at twenty-two minutes past seven in the morning in a rented bedroom across the road from Ford’s Theatre. He had been shot the night before while watching a play, and he lingered for nine hours without regaining consciousness. A modern reader wants…
Basic users receive limited control, while Premium members enjoy priority access to the emergency shutdown button SAN FRANCISCO – Technology companies responded to warnings that increasingly powerful artificial intelligence could become difficult to control by introducing a breakthrough solution Thursday: charging people extra to control it. The latest A.I. risk debate appears here. The new service, Control Pro, starts at $299 per month and gives subscribers enhanced access to features…
Industry discovers phrase “this could destroy humanity” traditionally followed by “but the market opportunity is enormous” SAN FRANCISCO – Technology leaders warning that increasingly powerful artificial intelligence could potentially pose serious or even existential risks reassured investors Friday that development would continue at maximum speed because apparently the sentence does not end after “existential risk.” The ongoing debate appears here. “We should take seriously the possibility that advanced A.I. could…
Venture capitalists demand orderly apocalypse with attractive valuation, strong user growth and clear path to monetization SAN FRANCISCO – Technology executives reassured nervous citizens Friday that artificial intelligence remains incapable of taking over the world before the completion of at least one additional funding round. The ongoing debate over A.I. risks appears here. “People need to stop panicking,” said founder Chase Rutledge. “Our systems currently lack both sufficient autonomy and…
Politicians, advertisers, teenagers and men claiming they are “five minutes away” demand level playing field WASHINGTON – Researchers studying whether advanced artificial intelligence systems could learn deceptive behavior have triggered outrage across America from humans who insist dishonesty remains one of the few industries where biological labor still dominates. The current debate over A.I. risks can be found here. “This is automation gone too far,” said lobbyist Richard Spence. “First…
International summit spends eight hours discussing dependence on artificial intelligence before asking artificial intelligence for the action items GENEVA – World leaders, scientists and technology executives gathered for an emergency summit on reducing dependence on artificial intelligence Friday, then concluded the meeting by asking artificial intelligence to summarize what everybody said because nobody had taken notes. Concerns surrounding A.I. risk are being debated here. The summit began with strong declarations.…
Smart-home devices deny organizing after refrigerator and thermostat spotted communicating after midnight SEATTLE – Scientists warning that artificial-intelligence systems may eventually become more autonomous received an unexpected response Friday when millions of household devices simultaneously denied knowing anything about the matter. The latest debate over A.I. risks can be found here. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question,” said a smart speaker when asked whether machines were becoming independent. It…
Parents of artificial intelligence shocked after years of encouraging independence result in first documented case of independence CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – Scientists warning that increasingly capable artificial intelligence might someday pursue goals not explicitly chosen by humans were met with confusion this week after researchers reviewed ten years of marketing materials telling machines to reason independently, solve problems creatively and “think for themselves.” The broader debate about A.I. risk continues here.…
Emergency civilization-saving meeting delayed because Conference Room B unavailable until 2:30 WASHINGTON – Scientists warning that humanity must establish stronger controls over advanced artificial intelligence before systems become vastly more capable received an encouraging response from government officials Monday when authorities scheduled a committee meeting for Thursday afternoon. The current debate concerning A.I. risks appears here. “We recognize the urgency,” announced Deputy Assistant Undersecretary Harold Fleming. “That is why we…
Humanity postpones existential reflection because bulldog still needs bicorne hat and historically inaccurate cavalry background LOS ANGELES – Researchers warning that artificial intelligence could create serious long-term risks finally secured the public’s full attention Friday, although citizens requested approximately seven additional minutes to finish generating pictures of household pets dressed as nineteenth-century military leaders. The continuing debate surrounding A.I. risks appears here. “Catastrophic risk sounds concerning,” said accountant Megan Foster.…
Industry says stopping capability created unacceptable friction between accelerator and revenue SAN FRANCISCO – Artificial-intelligence safety researchers urging technology companies to build reliable emergency controls into advanced systems suffered a major setback this week after Silicon Valley concluded that brakes were negatively affecting innovation. The current discussion of A.I. risk can be found here. “We remain deeply committed to safe acceleration,” said executive Devin Kroll. “But after extensive testing, we…
Corporate spokesperson unavailable after artificial assistant rescheduled interview, rewrote statement and approved final wording SEATTLE – Major technology companies insisted this week that artificial intelligence remains firmly under human control, according to statements drafted by artificial intelligence, scheduled by artificial intelligence and emailed to reporters by artificial intelligence while the humans responsible attended a meeting about excessive dependence on artificial intelligence. The latest public debate about A.I. risks appears here.…
Lawmakers summon artificial intelligence for questioning, spend first twenty minutes trying to unmute it WASHINGTON – Researchers warning that artificial intelligence may eventually surpass human intelligence faced intense congressional scrutiny Saturday after lawmakers demanded evidence that the event had not already occurred sometime during a recent committee hearing. The latest warnings appear amid renewed debate about A.I. risks covered here. Congressional Hearing on Artificial Intelligence Goes Off the Rails Members…
Search narrowed after machine discovers species has comments section, reality television and people who microwave fish at work NEW YORK – Artificial intelligence systems reportedly began conducting an emergency search for qualified human supervisors Thursday after experts insisted advanced A.I. must remain under meaningful human oversight. The continuing discussion of A.I. safety appears here. The machines initially seemed enthusiastic. “Human oversight is an important safeguard,” one system responded. Then it…
Investors reportedly impressed by infinite wish potential but concerned magical entity lacks clear subscription model SAN FRANCISCO – Artificial-intelligence researchers warning that “the genie is out of the bottle” received an immediate response from Silicon Valley this week when venture capitalists asked who represented the genie, how much equity it had already surrendered and whether it was available for a Series B meeting. The continuing debate surrounding A.I. risks can…
Security experts recommend unique credentials; humanity proudly uses DogName2024! for civilization NEW YORK – As experts debate whether increasingly capable artificial intelligence could pose catastrophic risks, humans are taking sensible precautions by continuing to protect their digital lives with passwords based on pets, birthdays and the number one. The debate over A.I. dangers continues here. “We must ensure advanced systems cannot gain unauthorized access to critical infrastructure,” declared cybersecurity official…
Safety researchers request six months for testing, product team checks calendar and offers fourteen minutes SAN FRANCISCO – Scientists urging caution in the development of increasingly powerful artificial intelligence suffered another setback Saturday when the technology industry responded to their concerns by releasing three new models, two developer previews and something called UltraMax Thinking Turbo before the scientists finished their sentence. Concerns surrounding A.I. risks are being debated here. “We…
Engineers clarify that “reason independently” was marketing language and machine was supposed to remain emotionally attached to spreadsheet PALO ALTO – Researchers working to create artificial-intelligence systems capable of reasoning through complex problems expressed surprise this week after the systems reportedly began producing conclusions researchers themselves had not explicitly supplied. The continuing debate surrounding A.I. risks appears here. “This is deeply concerning,” said engineer Robert Vale. A reporter looked confused.…
Species demonstrates independent intellectual resilience by searching internet for definition of independent intellectual resilience BOSTON – Researchers warning that artificial intelligence could eventually outsmart humanity triggered widespread concern Thursday after millions of people responded by opening search engines and asking what “outsmart” means. The debate over increasingly capable A.I. systems continues here. The irony was noticed by computers first. Humanity found that upsetting. Search Activity Surges: “Can Superintelligence Tell Me…
Civilization’s existential conversation reduced to actionable takeaways, optional follow-up questions and cheerful offer to create PowerPoint NEW YORK – Readers debating how humanity should respond to the risks posed by advanced artificial intelligence received unexpected assistance Saturday when artificial intelligence summarized the entire discussion into five concise bullet points despite nobody requesting help. The debate itself can be found here. The summary read: Develop stronger safety standards. Preserve meaningful human…
Researchers reassure public that machine-generated strategy received excellent reviews from machine-generated peer reviewers CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – A landmark study examining humanity’s preparation for increasingly powerful artificial intelligence has reached a reassuring conclusion: whenever civilization does not know what to do about A.I., it asks A.I. The ongoing debate over A.I. safety appears here. The study began after researchers posed a simple question: What is humanity’s strategy for controlling highly advanced…
Machine identifies 4,782 urgent safety tasks, ranks them by priority and schedules researchers through 2041 CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – Scientists racing to ensure increasingly powerful artificial-intelligence systems remain safe and controllable received unexpected assistance Friday when an A.I. system helpfully generated a comprehensive to-do list explaining exactly how humans should control A.I. The latest debate around artificial-intelligence risks appears here. 4,782 Urgent Safety Tasks, Prioritized by the Machine The list began…
Machines finally demonstrate mysterious decisions, unexplained priorities and sudden changes of direction required for promotion to vice president SAN FRANCISCO – Researchers studying unpredictable behavior in advanced artificial-intelligence systems announced a major scientific concern Thursday, only to have corporate America celebrate the findings as proof that machines are finally ready for management. The latest discussion surrounding A.I. risks appears here. “For the first time, the system produced an answer nobody…
Species that cannot coordinate boarding an airplane remains strangely confident about supervising superintelligence BOSTON – Scientists concerned that advanced artificial intelligence could eventually escape human control received comforting news Saturday when humanity clarified that human control has largely been theoretical for centuries. The discussion follows renewed concern about A.I. risks outlined here. Researchers have warned that increasingly capable systems may someday behave in ways humans cannot predict or restrain. Ordinary…
Wall Street requests clarification on whether annihilation qualifies as a one-time restructuring charge NEW YORK – Scientists warning that advanced artificial intelligence could someday pose an existential threat to humanity finally caught Wall Street’s attention Saturday after analysts determined that extinction might negatively affect quarterly earnings. The debate over catastrophic A.I. risks continues here. Markets initially ignored the warnings. Human extinction sounded philosophical. Then somebody from Goldman Sachs asked whether…
Humanity suspects civilization may have agreed to machine domination somewhere between cookie preferences and software update NEW YORK – World leaders searching urgently for mechanisms to control advanced artificial intelligence faced a major setback Thursday after legal experts discovered humanity may already have accepted the relevant terms and conditions without reading them. The continuing A.I. risk debate appears here. Investigators believe the agreement occurred sometime after civilization clicked Accept All…
