Burnham Prepares for Badenoch Comeback, Orders Labour to Remember What a Tory Looks Like
Andy Burnham tells Labour to prepare for a Kemi Badenoch comeback. Downing Street’s briefing team dusts off a picture of the Conservatives and checks the date.
Tag: Labour
Labour Chief Whip Gives Vogue Interview, MPs Told Rebellion Is Out This Season
The Anneliese Midgley Vogue interview brings Westminster discipline to fashion. Labour MPs learn that rebellion is out and party-line grey comes in all sizes.
Andy Burnham Tells Greens They Can Save the Planet Without Destroying Israel, Party Demands Emergency Conference to Determine Whether Jews Are Carbon Neutral
Prime Minister discovers that a political party can campaign for cleaner rivers without rewriting the borders of the Middle East LONDON, 17 October 2026. Prime Minister Andy Burnham has stunned Britain’s political establishment by announcing that a party devoted to saving the planet does not necessarily have to begin by eliminating Israel’s status as a Jewish state. The announcement is a significant development in British politics, where politicians have spent…
Labour’s Utopia Collapses After Burnham Introduces the Calculator
Left Demands Four-Day Weeks; PM Reveals Division WESTMINSTER — Britain’s socialist revolution suffered an administrative setback when Prime Minister Andy Burnham placed a calculator on the Cabinet table and pressed the equals button. Cabinet Calculator Incident: Ministers Question the Device’s Politics Witnesses described an atmosphere of disbelief. One minister asked whether the device had been programmed by the Conservatives. Another demanded a public inquiry into its ideological background. A third…
Government Declares War on Fat, Forgets the Plan
Cabinet Committee Appointed to Eat the Biscuits LONDON, England, 30 October 2026 (The London Prat) — The Labour government has announced a historic campaign to end England’s obesity epidemic, although MPs have discovered an oversight: nobody has said what success looks like, how anyone would measure it, or when any of it is supposed to start. It’s the boldest assault on a national problem since British Rail declared war on…
Labour Plans to Double Slot Machine Tax as Betting Shops Warn of Closures, and the Government Celebrates Another Victory in Its Campaign to Turn Every High Street Into a Charity Shop
Britain Discovers the Perfect Economic Regeneration Strategy: Close Profitable Businesses and Replace Them With Empty Windows, Charity Shops and Government-Funded Artwork BLACKPOOL, ENGLAND – Britain’s struggling high streets face another exciting opportunity to become even less economically active as Labour MPs push for higher gambling-machine taxes and betting operators warn that thousands of jobs could disappear. The Betting and Gaming Council’s analysis of potential gambling tax increases cites EY modelling…
Andy Burnham’s Government Promises Zero Tolerance for Extremism, Then Discovers Zero Is a Surprisingly Flexible Number When Controversy Reaches Downing Street
Labour’s national security policy encounters the traditional Westminster problem of applying general principles to particular acquaintances. LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham’s government faces fresh questions about consistency after the wife of National Security Adviser Jonathan Powell appeared to express support for Palestine Action, a proscribed organisation whose supporters have faced thousands of arrests. Labour Faces Questions Over Consistent Application of Terrorism Law The controversy has presented Labour with a…
Polanski Loses By-Election, Greens Check Votes Were Recycled
Green Leader Learns Voters Support Saving the Planet but Resist Electing the Supervisors LONDON, ENGLAND | Labour held the parliamentary seat of Holborn and St Pancras after Green Party leader Zack Polanski failed to win the October 2026 by-election. According to Reuters, Labour candidate Sagal Abdi-Wali received 12,292 votes to Mr Polanski’s 8,928, handing Prime Minister Andy Burnham a useful result. ITV News also reported the outcome. The defeat has…
Green Party Leader Loses Labour Stronghold Despite Promising Voters a Better World, Electorate Decides It Would Prefer Better Bins First
Zack Polanski promises climate action, rent controls and global justice while Camden voters request functioning pavements and somewhere to park a bicycle LONDON – Britain’s Green Party has suffered a disappointing parliamentary by-election defeat after discovering that voters offered the chance to transform the planet sometimes prefer to discuss rubbish collection. Green leader Zack Polanski lost the Holborn and St Pancras contest to Labour’s Sagal Abdi-Wali, who took 12,292 votes…
15 Observations From Britain’s New Age of Pitch-Rolling
Britain’s politicians have turned advance warning into an art form, and the satirists are keeping score Pitch-rolling is apparently what politicians call a tax increase when they tell you about it sufficiently early that you have time to forget being angry. British governments used to spring bad news on taxpayers. Labour has modernised the process by offering advance reservations. A tax announced four years early technically spends its first three…
Andy Burnham Adopts Corporate Strategy: First Prepare the Ground, Then Nationalise Whatever Is Standing on It
Labour discovers nationalisation becomes considerably less alarming when introduced through phrases containing “partnership,” “strategic” and “public” LONDON – Prime Minister Andy Burnham has embraced an innovative corporate strategy in which the government first prepares the political ground, smooths it carefully, consults stakeholders, produces several diagrams and then announces that whatever happens to be standing on the ground would operate better under public control. Water, Care, Transport: Burnham’s Public Control Agenda…
Labour Government Perfects Pitch-Rolling: First Explain the Tax, Then Explain Why Opposing It Means You Hate Nurses
Britain enters the exciting new era of compassionate taxation, where every objection to government arithmetic can eventually be diagnosed as insufficient affection for the caring professions LONDON – The Labour government has reportedly perfected a revolutionary approach to taxation under which ministers first explain why Britain desperately needs more money, then wait several months before suggesting that anyone reluctant to provide it has developed a troubling personal hostility toward nurses.…
Britain Tries More Socialism
Britain Tries More Socialism to Cure Problems as Poll Finds 49% Ready to Rejoin the EU State ownership, redistribution and public control apparently haven’t satisfied Britain’s appetite, so nearly half of poll respondents are now eyeing the continental-size portion LONDON — Britain has received exciting new evidence that the nation’s appetite for government intervention remains healthy, with a megapoll finding 49% support for rejoining the European Union while only 28.5% oppose returning. The…
Andy Burnham: Perfect Catholic Politician
New York Times Discovers Perfect Catholic Politician: One Who Rarely Goes to Mass Britain finally produces a Catholic prime minister acceptable to modern political theology by cleverly minimizing the inconvenient churchgoing The New York Times has discovered what may be the perfect modern Catholic politician: British Prime Minister Andy Burnham, a man whose Catholic upbringing helped shape his political philosophy despite the minor theological inconvenience that he rarely attends Mass.…
Minimum Intelligence Required to Vote for ANY British Political Party
Scientists Discover Minimum Intelligence Required to Vote for Every British Political Party Laboratory Mouse Given Increasing Quantities of Human Brain Tissue Eventually Spoils Ballot, Moves to Spain and Refuses to Discuss Politics Over Dinner Cambridge Scientists Begin Historic Political Intelligence Experiment LONDON – British scientists have announced a breakthrough in political neuroscience after determining exactly how many functioning human brain cells are required before a laboratory mouse becomes dissatisfied with…
Unashamedly Labour
Burnham Promises “Unashamedly Labour,” Britain Quietly Hides Its Wallet Andy Burnham stood before the nation on Friday and did the single bravest thing any incoming Prime Minister can do: he admitted, out loud, in public, without a lawyer present, that he is in fact a member of the Labour Party. Britain gasped. Then Britain checked its bank balance, sighed the specific sigh of a country that has seen this film…
Reform UK Plans Largest Channel Operation Since D-Day
Reform UK Plans Largest Channel Operation Since D-Day, Labour Responds With Largest Excuse Since Last Tuesday No boats within a fortnight, forcing Labour ministers to defend the ancient constitutional principle that nothing useful should happen before the consultation ends LONDON — Reform UK has proposed launching the largest British military operation in the English Channel since the Second World War, prompting the Labour government to mobilise three cabinet committees, seven…
Labour Civil War Officially Downgraded
Labour Civil War Officially Downgraded to “Robust Family Discussion” After Everyone Denies Trying to Stab Anyone LONDON – Labour this week rejected claims it is descending into civil war ahead of the Budget, insisting the party remains “completely united” despite spending several days anonymously accusing itself of treachery. The dispute began after opposition figures described events inside Government as resembling an unfolding civil war. Cabinet ministers immediately dismissed the suggestion…
Britain’s Economic Decline
How Britain’s Economic Decline Left It as Poor as Mississippi Britain combined European socialism, American debt, record immigration and Victorian infrastructure, then expressed surprise when GDP per person disappeared behind a wheelie bin. Britain has finally achieved the economic equality politicians promised. Unfortunately, the equality is with Mississippi. According to The Atlantic’s examination of Britain’s productivity collapse, British output per person now sits barely above that of America’s poorest state after nearly…
Dockers Inn Review: A Toast to the Men Who Worked the Docks
Dockers Inn Review: A Toast to the Men Who Worked the Docks | A riverside pub honouring the docker – the tough, hard-working dockworker whose muscle and sweat unloaded the cargo of the world along these very quays
North Korea Congratulates Labour
North Korea Congratulates Labour on Impressive Display of Administrative Efficiency Pyongyang Reportedly Sends Fruit Basket After Witnessing Britain’s Most Orderly Leadership Contest LONDON, England. Officials in North Korea have reportedly sent a congratulatory telegram, a commemorative portrait frame, and a coupon for bulk applause to Britain’s Labour Party after watching hundreds of MPs rally behind Andy Burnham before anyone else had the opportunity to become a serious rival. According to…
Andy Burnham Already Unpopular
Andy Burnham Achieves Historic Feat: Becomes Unpopular Before Moving Into Downing Street Britain’s Fastest Political Depreciation Since Lettuce Beat a Prime Minister 🥬 LONDON’s Latest Innovation: Pre-Disappointment Politics Britain has once again proven it can innovate in fields nobody requested. According to increasingly weary political observers, Andy Burnham is on track to become as unpopular as Keir Starmer before he has even had enough time to discover which cupboard contains…
Andy Burnham’s Reddit Upvotes
Andy Burnham Replaces Press Conferences With Reddit Upvotes, Declares Democracy Now in Beta Testing Westminster Reportedly Too Toxic, PM-In-Waiting Retreats to Cat Photos and Karma Points LONDON — Britain is preparing for a bold new era in government, one in which the Prime Minister no longer answers questions from journalists but instead waits for strangers named YorkshireLad1987 and BeansOnToastForever to ask whether penguins have knees. Andy Burnham’s latest Reddit “Ask Me Anything” is…
Andy Burnham Announces He Will Solve Britain’s Problems
Andy Burnham Announces He Will Solve Britain’s Problems Just as Soon as Britain Stops Being So Complicated Labour’s new saviour reportedly begins by launching a nationwide campaign to decentralise confidence while centralising optimism LONDON. Andy Burnham has reportedly unveiled the first stage of his grand vision for Britain by explaining that the country’s biggest obstacle is reality itself. The former Manchester mayor insists Britain can be “rewired,” “rebalanced,” and “reimagined,”…
Labour To Prove Marxism Works Best After Becoming Multi-Millionaires
Labour Party Celebrates Grassroots Activism, Global Elites, Celebrity Billionaires, And Other Ordinary Working People Bollinger Bolsheviks: Comrades Who Tax Everyone But Themselves Britain’s Champagne Left Declares War On Wealth, Inequality, And Anyone Unfortunate Enough To Be Sat In Economy LONDON — Somewhere in a Georgian townhouse in Islington, a comrade is finishing a glass of something French and explaining, with great feeling, why ordinary people should own less. He has read his…
Socialism 8.0: Burnham Promises This Update Finally Includes a Working Economy
Socialism 8.0: Burnham Promises This Update Finally Includes a Working Economy | Party Releases New Operating System for British Socialism; Burnham Insists Previous Versions Were “Extended Beta Testing”