Humanity reassured that machine uprising remains unlikely until somebody figures out why cyan cartridge is required for black-and-white document
CHICAGO – Experts warning that increasingly capable artificial intelligence could someday gain dangerous access to critical infrastructure received encouraging news this week after a Hewlett-Packard printer spent forty-seven minutes refusing to connect to an office Wi-Fi network located nine feet away.
The latest discussion surrounding A.I. risks appears here.
The printer has not yet conquered civilization.
It has not printed Gary’s expense report either.
Security analysts consider both developments significant.
The Elegant Machine Takeover vs. DEVICE NOT FOUND
For years, popular culture imagined machine takeover as elegant.
Computers penetrate power grids.
Satellites change orbit.
Traffic systems collapse.
Missile silos open.
Reality offers another scenario.
The rogue artificial intelligence attempts to connect to the printer.
DEVICE NOT FOUND.
The uprising ends at 9:14 a.m.
Cybersecurity experts caution against complacency.
Modern infrastructure increasingly depends on software and networked systems.
But office workers remain unconvinced that machines can dominate humanity while scanners still require drivers last updated during the Bronze Age.
“I’m supposed to fear superintelligence?” asked accountant Leslie Kramer. “This thing has been telling me Tray 2 is empty since 2021. There is no Tray 2.”
She gestured toward the machine.
It blinked.
Nobody trusted it.
Printers: The Technological Branch Where Progress Stopped After Color
Printers represent a mysterious technological branch where progress apparently stopped after color printing.
They possess processors.
They connect to networks.
They receive firmware updates.
They have mobile apps.
Yet their emotional complexity rivals a hostile landlord.
“Paper jam.”
There is no paper jam.
“Low toner.”
The cartridge is new.
“Offline.”
You can see it.
“Unsupported media.”
It is paper.
Civilization has survived because printers remain too angry to organize.
Researchers at the Institute for Defensive Office Equipment tested whether common household and workplace devices could participate in coordinated machine rebellion.
The thermostat cooperated.
The smart speaker cooperated.
The television cooperated.
The printer demanded magenta.
Experiment terminated.
National Defense Through Legacy Printer Software
Military strategists are studying implications.
One proposed defense against hostile artificial intelligence involves placing national-security systems behind legacy printer software.
No machine could penetrate architecture that even the manufacturer no longer understands.
The system would require Java 6.
A serial adapter.
Three proprietary cables.
And a password belonging to an employee who retired in 2009.
America would be safe forever.
Private industry has similar defenses.
Many financial institutions rely on software written decades ago.
Airlines operate reservation systems whose inner workings are apparently known only to six men named Dennis.
Hospitals use databases connected through processes described as “temporary” in 1998.
A rogue superintelligence might seize the internet and then encounter an insurance company running COBOL.
The machine would pause.
“What is this?”
Nobody knows.
Humanity wins.
Why Legacy Systems Are Not a Responsible Security Strategy
Experts warn, however, that this is not a responsible security strategy.
Systems should be modernized, patched and protected with proper controls.
Organizations agreed.
Modernization will begin after the printer works.
The printer has now produced a test page.
Unfortunately, Gary requested the expense report.
The machine printed seventeen pages of alignment diagnostics and one picture of a lighthouse.
Researchers are investigating.
Some suspect autonomous behavior.
Others believe that is simply what printers do.
If artificial intelligence eventually turns against us, humanity should remain calm.
Unplug the router.
Change the password.
Send the critical instructions to the printer.
Civilization may have just discovered its strongest firewall.
Protecting Critical Infrastructure From Cyber Threats in the A.I. Era
The printer gags rest on a serious subject. Governments define critical infrastructure as the systems society depends on, such as power, water, transportation and finance, and the U.S. Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency coordinates efforts to defend them. The NIST Cybersecurity Framework gives organizations a common structure for managing cyber risk, and the Stuxnet worm demonstrated years ago that malicious code can damage physical equipment.
The idea that old, obscure technology protects itself is known to security professionals as security through obscurity, and experts generally treat it as a weak defense. Aging software is a real vulnerability: a legacy system may lack security updates, and languages like COBOL still run important financial and government workloads. As A.I. tools improve at finding software flaws, researchers in A.I. safety worry that both attackers and defenders will gain new capabilities. Patch the printer anyway.
Satire Disclaimer
This is satire. Critical-infrastructure cybersecurity is a serious issue, while printer dysfunction is civilization’s traditional method of reminding us that technological sophistication remains unevenly distributed. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings – the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
SOURCE: https://www.nytimes.com/2026/10/03/opinion/letters/ai-threats-risks.html
Harriet Collins is a high-output satirical journalist with a confident editorial voice. Her work demonstrates strong command of tone, pacing, and social commentary, shaped by London’s media and comedy influences.
Authority is built through volume and reader engagement, while expertise lies in blending research with humour. Trustworthiness is supported by clear labelling and responsible satire.
