Category: International

America Culture Governance International

Britain Finally Says Iran May Be Behind RAF Fairford Plot

Alan Nafzger

Britain Finally Says Iran May Be Behind RAF Fairford Plot After Exhausting Every Available Synonym for ‘We’re Looking Into It’ London Detects ‘Strong Indications’ of Iranian Involvement, Upgrades National Threat Vocabulary From ‘Possibly’ to ‘Quite Possibly’ LONDON — Britain has achieved a significant breakthrough in the investigation surrounding RAF Fairford: the government has apparently located a declarative sentence. Prime Minister Andy Burnham told the BBC there are “strong indications” that Iran played…

Culture Education Governance International

Chinese Intelligence has Discovered British Universities

Aishwarya Rao

British Universities Discover International Research Partnership May Have Been Chinese Intelligence Operation, Immediately Schedule 18-Month Review Into Meaning of ‘Intelligence’ More Than 100 UK-Linked Academics Worked on Chinese-Funded Projects, Britain Introduces Revolutionary Security Measure Called ‘Checking Who Sent the Money’ LONDON — Britain’s universities have been introduced to an exciting new concept in academic research known as finding out who is paying for it, following an MI5 warning concerning research allegedly funded through…

International Relationships Social

Singapore Launches Government-Supervised Dating App

Mei Lin Chen

Singapore Launches Government-Supervised Dating App, Citizens Given 72 Hours to Develop Feelings Government tackles collapsing birth rate by doing what government does best: creating an account, collecting information and asking everyone to complete a survey afterward SINGAPORE — Singapore has launched a government-developed dating platform for young public-sector workers, apparently concluding that the great problem with modern romance is that nobody has yet put the Department of Administrative Services between “Hello”…

Culture International Social Technology

China Fears AI May Replace Human Companionship

Alan Nafzger

China Fears AI May Replace Human Companionship, Launches Massive Surveillance Program to Make Everyone Feel Less Alone Beijing discovers the terrifying possibility that software might listen to people, remember their birthday and occasionally ask how their day went BEIJING — Chinese authorities, increasingly concerned that emotionally responsive artificial intelligence could interfere with ordinary human relationships, have responded with the traditional cure for loneliness: additional government supervision. The latest debate over AI…

Governance America Bad Taste International

Use Fentanyl for Lethal Injection

Alan Nafzger

Why Doesn’t America Just Use Fentanyl for Lethal Injection? Nebraska Already Tried It, and the Drugmaker Sent a Lawyer After Christa Pike Survives Two Doses of Pentobarbital, Armchair Policy Experts Ask the Obvious Question About the Opioid the Government Has Spent a Decade Telling Us Is Deadly NASHVILLE, Tennessee | Americans woke up Thursday to a question so grimly logical that it could only be asked after a government failure:…

America International

Christa Pike Survives Two Lethal Injections

Junglepussy

Christa Pike Survives Two Lethal Injections, State Insists Procedure Worked Exactly as Designed Except for the Dying Part Tennessee Discovers Successful Government Procedure Does Not Necessarily Require Successful Result NASHVILLE, Tennessee | Tennessee officials were confronted Wednesday evening with one of the most dangerous substances known to modern government: an outcome. Death-row inmate Christa Pike remained alive after receiving two doses of pentobarbital during an attempted execution at Riverbend Maximum Security Institution, eventually being…

Business Culture Governance International

More Government From Belgium

Alan Nafzger

Britain Complains Government Controls Everything, Poll Finds Solution May Be More Government From Belgium Voters Apparently Look at Britain’s Regulation, Taxes and State Intervention and Ask Whether Brussels Has Anything Available in a Larger Size LIVERPOOL, England — Britain has reportedly discovered a revolutionary cure for people who believe the country already suffers from excessive government intervention: additional government intervention, but continental. A new POLITICO/Public First poll found that 70 percent of…

Culture International Social

Israeli Fighter Jets Scrambled After Flydubai Emergency

Alan Nafzger

Israeli Fighter Jets Scrambled After Flydubai Emergency, Discover Problem Apparently Located Inside the Cockpit Air force responds to suspected airborne threat, encounters aviation’s most expensive workplace dispute JERUSALEM — Israeli security officials launched a major response Wednesday after Flydubai Flight FZ1073 transmitted emergency signals while heading toward Tel Aviv, only for reports to indicate that the extraordinary danger may have originated not from outside the aircraft but from the people sitting…

Culture International

Dubai-to-Tel Aviv Flight

Junglepussy

Pilots Fight Aboard Dubai-to-Tel Aviv Flight, 150 Passengers Discover Their In-Flight Entertainment Has Become Disturbingly Interactive Travelers reportedly prefer movies in which nobody in the audience is personally involved TEL AVIV — Approximately 150 Israeli passengers reportedly aboard Flydubai Flight FZ1073 received an unexpected upgrade Wednesday when the normal in-flight entertainment program was replaced by a live aviation thriller occurring several yards in front of them. How Many Passengers Were Aboard…

International Culture Social

Tel Aviv-Bound Flight

Yasmina Khan

Tel Aviv-Bound Flight Sends Hijack Code After Pilots Clash, Aviation Industry Introduces Revolutionary New Policy: Get Along Until Landing Regulators astonished to discover interpersonal harmony may constitute important flight-control system DUBAI, United Arab Emirates — International aviation officials were reportedly studying a radical new safety proposal Wednesday under which pilots would be encouraged to postpone all major personal disagreements until the aircraft has reached the gate. The Flydubai FZ1073 Diversion That…

Business Governance International News

Britain Says Government Is Too Big

Morag Sinclair

Britain Says Government Is Too Big, Then Asks Brussels Whether It Comes in Family Size Nation Diagnoses Itself With Bureaucracy, Prescribes Brussels LIVERPOOL, England — Britain has spent years complaining about taxes, public spending, bureaucracy, government interference, expensive energy, struggling public services and the curious national tradition of requiring fourteen signatures before anybody can construct a bicycle shed. Having carefully reviewed these symptoms, much of the country has apparently reached…

Business Culture Governance International

Britain Wants Closer EU Ties

Alan Nafzger

Britain Wants Closer EU Ties, Discovers Brexit Was Apparently Just a Trial Separation New Poll Finds 70% Want Brussels Closer, Although Britain Remains Admirably Unclear About What “Closer” Means Britain has apparently entered the “maybe we should see other people but still share the Costco membership” phase of Brexit. A new POLITICO/Public First poll reports that 70 percent of British adults favor some form of closer relationship with the European Union, a finding guaranteed…

Technology International

Australia Discovers Artificial Intelligence

Vivienne Pratfall

Australia Discovers Artificial Intelligence Can Hack Government Computers Simply by Knowing What Windows 95 Is Canberra confronts the terrifying possibility that the hacker understands the computer CANBERRA, Australia – Australian officials have been warned that ageing government and private-sector computer systems could be especially vulnerable to increasingly capable AI agents, creating the uncomfortable possibility that the greatest technological battle of the 21st century will be fought inside software purchased while people were…

America International News

Iran Warns RAF Fairford Is a Target…. AND…

Isabel Navarro

Iran Warns RAF Fairford Is a Target, Britain Arrests Five Men Before Tehran Can Find the Parking Lot Iranian regime discovers threatening a heavily guarded American bomber base works better in speeches than in Gloucestershire FAIRFORD, ENGLAND — The Iranian regime spent months warning that RAF Fairford could become a legitimate target, apparently forgetting that announcing your possible targets in advance is normally considered a courtesy provided by restaurants, weddings and…

America Governance International

Britain Hurt the Terrorists’ Feelings

Bethan Morgan

Britain Foils Possible Terror Plot, Immediately Launches Investigation Into Whether Britain Hurt the Terrorists’ Feelings Suspected Bomb Plot Near RAF Base Disrupted, Britain Responds With Traditional Counterterrorism Weapon: National Self-Doubt FAIRFORD, ENGLAND — Britain was confronted this weekend with that rarest of national emergencies: an incident sufficiently suspicious that even the British were briefly prepared to describe it as suspicious. Five British nationals were arrested after police received a report shortly after midnight…

Business Culture International News Sports

Ireland v Israel

Astrid Holgersson

Ireland Holds Emergency Meeting to Decide Whether Israel Is Still Allowed to Play Football Irish football enters exciting new era in which midfielders are expected to understand international law before understanding the offside trap DEBRECEN, HUNGARY — The Republic of Ireland’s preparations to face Israel descended into meetings, delayed training and political deliberation Saturday after Irish players discovered that international football apparently now requires a supplementary degree in geopolitics. Ireland’s…

Governance International News

Andy Burnham Blames Russia for Britain Feeling Miserable

Carys Evans

Andy Burnham Blames Russia for Britain Feeling Miserable Online, Kremlin Denies Responsibility for Council Tax, Train Delays and £8 Pints Prime Minister warns Moscow is manipulating British opinion as ordinary Britons discover complaining about Britain may now require geopolitical clearance LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has warned that Russian agencies are conducting an “industrial-scale assault” on Britain’s information environment, using bots, fake websites, forged media branding and other techniques…

America International News

China Wants Nuclear Tensions Reduced

Alan Nafzger

China Wants Nuclear Tensions Reduced, Begins by Increasing Number of Things Everyone Can Be Tense About Beijing urges the world toward nuclear restraint while discovering that nothing says calm down quite like hundreds of warheads, new missile silos and a submarine capable of ruining everybody’s afternoon BEIJING — China would very much like everyone to stop worrying about nuclear weapons, preferably sometime after China has finished acquiring a few more of…

Culture Entertainment International

Local Media Mogul Charles Magnussen Announces He Has “Nothing to Hide”

Alan Nafzger

Local Media Mogul Charles Magnussen Announces He Has ‘Nothing to Hide,’ Immediately Blackmails Three Journalists Who Ask Follow-Up Questions Beloved Newspaper Baron Insists Transparency Is His Brand, Then Produces a Folder Nothing says “transparency” quite like a man who treats other people’s secrets as a personal pension fund.— Morag Sinclair LONDON — Media proprietor Charles Augustus Magnussen attempted to reassure the British public Thursday that he has “absolutely nothing to hide,” before spending…

America International Political

Andy Burnham Survives First Trump Meeting

Astrid Holgersson

Andy Burnham Survives First Trump Meeting, Immediately Qualifies for British Airways Frequent-Flyer Miles and a Complimentary Blood-Pressure Check British diplomacy discovers that sometimes the special relationship is mostly about sitting very still while wondering what the other man might say next NEW YORK — British Prime Minister Andy Burnham emerged from his first face-to-face meeting with President Donald Trump on Tuesday apparently intact, upright and still technically in possession of…

International Governance Social

Red Lipstick and Expropriation

Margaret Colley

Red Lipstick and Expropriation: Berlin Discovers Socialism Has Excellent Branding Anti-capitalist mayoral candidate promises cheaper rents, €3 lunches and a bold new economic principle: your landlord may soon discover he was merely holding the building for the people Capitalism has survived depressions, revolutions, inflation, financial crises, TikTok financial advisers and approximately 47,000 podcasts explaining passive income. Now it faces something considerably more dangerous. Red lipstick. Elif Eralp, the Die Linke…