Burnham Returns From Labour Conference Facing Economy, Welfare, Energy, Chagos and Budget Problems, Honeymoon Declared Successfully Completed | Burnham returns from Labour’s conference to a Budget, a welfare bill, an energy crunch and the Chagos question all waiting on the desk
RAF Secretly Jams Hostile Satellites, Kremlin Frantically Searches Sky for ‘Have You Tried Turning It Off and Back On?’ | Ground-based systems used to disrupt hostile reconnaissance satellites turn modern warfare into a fight over Bluetooth reliability
Andy Burnham Blames Russia for Britain Feeling Miserable Online, Kremlin Denies Responsibility for Council Tax, Train Delays and £8 Pints Prime Minister warns Moscow is manipulating British opinion as ordinary Britons discover complaining about Britain may now require geopolitical clearance LONDON — Prime Minister Andy Burnham has warned that Russian agencies are conducting an “industrial-scale assault” on Britain’s information environment, using bots, fake websites, forged media branding and other techniques…
Britain Losing Up to £6.5 Billion a Year From EU Product Barriers, Discovers Brexit Came With a Photocopier Fee | British exporters reportedly thrilled to learn sovereignty requires submitting the same toaster twice
UK Police Store Sensitive Data in Microsoft Cloud, Locked Filing Cabinet Demands Formal Apology | Britain’s secrets enter cloud computing because apparently nothing says security like putting the word “cloud” next to confidential evidence
Britain’s Fiscal Headroom Shrinks, Treasury Discovers Ceiling Gets Higher If You Call the Room Smaller | Westminster embraces Britain’s fastest-growing measurement: money we haven’t technically lost yet
UK Government Borrows £18.3 Billion in August, Treasury Announces Exciting New Strategy Called ‘Perhaps October Will Be Cheaper’ | Economists confirm Britain has reached the financial stage where the calculator sighs before displaying the answer
London Buses Now So Slow TfL Announces New “Walk Beside the Driver” Express Service Route 22 clocks in under 6 mph as the capital quietly redefines “public transport” as “public waiting” LONDON, ENGLAND — London’s famous red double-decker bus, once a symbol of British mobility, urban confidence, and the ability to transport 80 human beings without first asking them to remove their shoes, has entered an exciting new phase of…
Britain Wants Into EU ‘Made in Europe’ Plan, Discovers Brexit Has Extremely Long Customer-Service Hold Music | UK Presses One for Cooperation, Two for Sovereignty, Three to Hear These Options Again
Britain Borrows £18 Billion in August, Treasury Announces Exciting New Subscription Model for Money | Chancellor Discovers Fiscal Headroom Located Directly Beneath Several Tons of Fiscal Ceiling
Britain and America Launch AI Defence Partnership, Computer Immediately Asks Whether Nuclear Codes Contain a Capital Letter | Military Artificial Intelligence Promises to Make Strategic Decisions After Accepting Cookies
Trump Calls Burnham a ‘Natural Businessman,’ Britain Celebrates First Summit Without Emergency Facial Expression | Special Relationship Successfully Completes Twelve Minutes of Human Interaction
London Buses Now So Slow Passengers Expected to Inherit Their Seats | Capital Unveils Revolutionary Transport System Based on Sitting Still Near Pret
UK Business Growth Slows While Prices Rise, Economists Confirm Economy Has Mastered Worst of Both Worlds | Britain Proudly Unveils Revolutionary System Where Everything Costs More but Nobody Feels Richer
Energy Secretary Says Britain Must ‘Electrify Now,’ Nation Checks Whether Extension Lead Reaches North Sea | Government Announces Future Will Be Electric as Long as Nobody Asks About Plug
Britain Told It Needs More AI Datacentres, Local Residents Ask Whether Artificial Intelligence Can Build Them Somewhere Else | Technological Sovereignty Meets Nation’s Most Powerful Institution: Planning Objection
Chiltern Railways Nationalised, Passengers Assured Delays Will Now Belong to Everybody | Public Ownership Means Cancellation Is No Longer Corporate Failure but Shared National Experience
England’s Mayors Gain More Power, Thinktank Suggests Radical Concept of Checking What They Do With It | Devolution Advances to Stage Two: Somebody Looks at Receipts
Haunted Downing Street Declared Official After Latest Cabinet Reshuffle Residents report unexplained resignations, sudden disappearances and a building that seems to eat its own ministers WESTMINSTER — Paranormal investigators touring Whitehall this Halloween have reportedly identified Number 10 Downing Street as the most active haunted site in central London, beating out the Tower of London on the strength of one simple metric: nobody who goes inside seems to stay very long.…
The Ideological War Between Capitalism and Socialism Has Apparently Been Settled by Whoever Understands Instagram Better Marx Wanted Workers to Control the Means of Production; His Followers Now Mainly Need the Password to the Means of Posting LONDON — After two centuries of philosophers, economists, revolutionaries, politicians and extremely angry graduate students debating whether capitalism or socialism offers the superior economic system, humanity has apparently discovered that the decisive variable was…
Red Lipstick and Expropriation: Berlin Discovers Socialism Has Excellent Branding Anti-capitalist mayoral candidate promises cheaper rents, €3 lunches and a bold new economic principle: your landlord may soon discover he was merely holding the building for the people Capitalism has survived depressions, revolutions, inflation, financial crises, TikTok financial advisers and approximately 47,000 podcasts explaining passive income. Now it faces something considerably more dangerous. Red lipstick. Elif Eralp, the Die Linke…
Britain Gives Disabled People Independence, Provided They Don’t Attempt Anything Reckless Like Leaving Britain Disabled Britons discover that freedom of movement remains fully available, subject to postcode, paperwork and somebody called Martin approving Tenerife The British social-care system has apparently developed an exciting new definition of independence: you may live independently, choose independently and make adult decisions independently, provided none of those decisions involves an airport. A Guardian investigation by Frances…
UK Asks to Join ‘Made in Europe’ Scheme, Brussels Politely Points at Brexit Receipt Britain Discovers Leaving Europe and Leaving the European Union Are Two Entirely Different Engineering Problems Britain has opened another fascinating chapter in its post-Brexit relationship with the European Union by asking Brussels not to treat the United Kingdom too much like a country that went through several years of constitutional convulsions specifically to become a country…
Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland Form Celtic Alliance, England Checks Whether Anyone Still Wants the Shared Netflix Password Celtic nations unite against Westminster, immediately discover independence comes in three completely different sizes Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland have taken another step toward what political leaders call constitutional change, prompting England to wander into the hallway wearing slippers and ask whether everybody is still coming round for Christmas. Nationalist leaders from…
Trans Woman Follows Men’s-Toilet Policy Guidance, Britain Discovers Policy Also Comes With Eyewitness Demonstration Bathroom Culture War Reaches Logical Conclusion: Everyone Uncomfortable, Nobody Allowed to Wash Their Hands in Peace Britain’s long-running national effort to make absolutely everything more complicated has finally reached the public toilet, transforming what was once a three-minute biological errand into a seminar on statutory interpretation, personal dignity, privacy, architecture and whether anybody remembers where the…
German Voters Deliver CDU Historic Defeat, Merz Thanks Them for Their Feedback and Changes Absolutely Nothing Chancellor Confirms Strong Electoral Message Successfully Received, Read and Sent Directly to Spam German voters delivered Chancellor Friedrich Merz’s Christian Democratic Union an extraordinarily unpleasant customer-satisfaction survey on Sunday, and the chancellor responded with the traditional reassurance of senior management everywhere: thank you for bringing this to our attention, we intend to continue exactly…
Councillor Fortifies Front Door After Discovering the Internet Contains Opinions Ministry of Approved Disagreement confirms dissent remains legal between 2:15 and 2:17 on Wednesdays, subject to stamp duty Britain’s local democracy entered a new golden age this week after a district councillor discovered that members of the public are still allowed to speak, some of them without filling in a consultation portal first. The councillor, an invented everyman we shall…
Britain’s Left Unveils Bold Plan to Terrify Conservatives Political tolerance upgraded to convenient new system in which disagreement remains completely free, provided nobody actually disagrees LONDON — Britain’s more excitable revolutionaries have apparently discovered a bold new interpretation of political tolerance: everyone is welcome to participate in democracy, including Conservatives, provided the Conservatives understand that participation may now include reinforced doors, CCTV cameras, panic alarms and occasionally wondering whether answering the…
Billionaire Loses Confidence in Government, Britain Announces Confidence Remains Available on NHS Waiting List Ratcliffe Says UK Is ‘On the Slide,’ Treasury Announces Exciting New Tax on Slides Billionaire industrialist Sir Jim Ratcliffe has declared that Britain is “on the slide,” prompting HM Treasury to reassure markets that slides remain perfectly legal provided users register for Slide Duty, complete Form SL1 and pay the newly introduced Recreational Downward Motion Levy.…
Prime Minister Burnham Announces Britain Is More Than London, Then Spends the Afternoon Explaining London to the North The new occupant of No. 10 has a mandate to rebalance the country. The country has noticed that the trains to the rebalancing still terminate at Euston. LONDON — Andy Burnham became Prime Minister on the proposition that Britain is more than London. This is true in the same way that a house…
