Lord Khan of Tooting Sworn Into Lords While Still Mayor, Raising Questions About Whether One Man Can Queue in Two Buildings Simultaneously Britain’s longest-serving London mayor has accepted a peerage without first leaving the job that made the peerage possible. Constitutional scholars call it efficient. Commuters call it typical. LONDON — Sir Sadiq Khan has taken the oath in the House of Lords as Lord Khan of Tooting and then, according…
Reform UK Discovers Foreign Money Is Perfectly Fine Provided Nobody Films You Discussing It Undercover footage, a police assessment, two aides suspended at 2:30am, and a keynote delayed by the one force Nigel Farage cannot out-shout: a camera that was already on. LONDON — Reform UK arrived at its own conference with a plan, a slogan, and a hidden microphone it had not invited. By Friday the plan was “fully cooperate,”…
The Case Reform Supporters Think They’re Making A Field Investigation Into Britain’s Newest Political Awakening, Conducted Entirely From a Pub Garden in Kent LONDON – Somewhere between the third pint and the second reference to “the good old days,” Britain’s Reform voters have quietly convinced themselves they are participating in a scientific renaissance. Every policy is now a discovery. Every grievance is now peer-reviewed. And every electricity bill is now,…
Burnham Leak: Britain Discovers Starmer Never Really Left A leaked Downing Street bundle suggests the new prime minister is quietly finishing the old prime minister’s homework, files and all LONDON — Britain has changed prime ministers. Britain has not, it turns out, changed hard drives. That is the comic engine underneath a genuinely significant Downing Street leak this week, and the joke is stronger than the lazy version making the rounds…
The Case Reform Critics Think They’re Making Westminster’s Scientists Grow Increasingly Alarmed by the Side Effects of the Experimental Substance Known as Reform LONDON – Every experiment needs a control group, a hypothesis, and someone willing to sit in a lab coat pretending none of this is personal. This investigation reverses the machinery of the companion piece published alongside it. Here, Reform is not the voter’s discovery. It is the…
London Council Raises Tax to Record Level After Exhaustive Search Reveals Residents Still Possess Some Investigators shocked to discover several households retaining traces of disposable income LONDON — A London council has moved toward a substantial council tax increase after financial investigators reportedly discovered that some residents still possessed small quantities of money not yet committed to housing, energy, transport, food, parking or the purchase of one coffee near a railway…
Pubs Begin Accepting Digital ID, Drunk Man at Bar Now Required to Prove He Exists Electronically Centuries-old British drinking tradition finally upgraded with software LONDON — British pubs have entered the digital age by accepting electronic identification, creating a historic moment in which ordering a pint may involve more advanced technology than operating the pub’s plumbing. The change promises convenience for customers who no longer wish to carry physical identification. Instead,…
UK Inflation Hits 3.1% as Government Unveils Revolutionary Cost-of-Living Strategy: Stop Buying Things Treasury discovers households spend significantly less when unable to afford anything LONDON — Britain has unveiled a radical new strategy for controlling household expenditure: citizens are being encouraged to avoid purchasing goods and services, particularly those traditionally regarded as useful. The policy emerged naturally after rising prices prompted households to reduce spending. Economists immediately recognised the breakthrough. “For…
Piddington Votes to Leave United Kingdom, Becomes First British Village to Attempt Brexit From Brexit Oxfordshire community begins difficult process of taking back control from people who already took back control PIDDINGTON, OXFORDSHIRE — Britain’s constitutional arrangements entered what experts are calling “the village-hall phase” after Piddington voted symbolically to leave the United Kingdom, becoming the first English community to look at Brexit and conclude that the principal problem was insufficient…
Wandsworth Announces Record Council-Tax Rise, Introduces Exciting New Public Service Called ‘Giving Us More Money’ Borough promises residents premium access to paying considerably more LONDON — Residents of Wandsworth are being introduced to an innovative new local-government service provision model under which citizens transfer additional money to the council and experience a powerful sense of civic participation. The scheme is known informally as Giving Us More Money. Officials insist this should…
Oxfordshire Village Declares Independence, Immediately Begins Negotiations for Trade Deal With Tesco in Bicester New microstate discovers sovereignty is difficult without semi-skimmed milk OXFORDSHIRE — An Oxfordshire village pursuing symbolic independence has entered emergency trade negotiations with nearby Tesco after officials realised political sovereignty is considerably easier to declare than supermarket logistics. The crisis began shortly after residents imagined life as an independent state. Flags could be designed. Passports printed. Speeches…
Tube Workers Consider More Strikes for Four-Day Week, Commuters Excited to Experience Zero-Day Week Londoners prepare for innovative transport model involving considerably less transport LONDON — London commuters are preparing for the possibility of further Underground disruption amid a dispute involving working arrangements, with some passengers enthusiastically noting that a four-day working week could produce an exciting zero-day travelling week for everybody else. The Underground has always been more than transportation.…
Heatwave Creates Thousands More Potholes, Britain Finally Achieves Fully Integrated Road-and-Crazy-Golf Network Motorists urged to bring putters and allow extra three hours for the back nine LONDON — Britain has transformed its deteriorating road network into Europe’s largest unplanned crazy-golf course after heat damage contributed to yet more potholes, creating exciting new recreational opportunities for anyone attempting to drive to work. Transport officials rejected accusations of infrastructure failure. They prefer the…
RAC Warns Britain Could Get More Potholes, Nation Asks Where Exactly They Plan to Put Them Highway engineers reportedly investigating possibility of stacking them LONDON — Britain’s motorists were placed on high alert after warnings that the nation may experience even more potholes, raising the obvious engineering question of where precisely additional potholes can be installed now that most available road surface appears to have been allocated. Transport specialists have begun…
Britain Introduces Digital ID for Buying Alcohol, Finally Adds Government Bureaucracy to Activity People Had Mastered for Centuries Nation upgrades ancient drinking ritual with authentication protocols LONDON — Britain has modernised alcohol purchasing by introducing digital age verification, successfully adding twenty-first-century identity technology to an activity humans managed adequately when taverns still had horses outside. For centuries the procedure was elegantly simple. Customer enters pub. Customer requests drink. Landlord examines customer.…
Government Discovers Electricians After Centuries of Suspecting Economy Contained Only Solicitors and Media Studies Lecturers Schools prepare children for the real world by testing them on everything except anything they’ll need in the real world Britain has discovered a previously unknown relationship between education and employment, after nearly one million young people somehow emerged from years of compulsory schooling without finding a comfortable bridge into work, education or training. The…
Andy Burnham Decentralises England by Ordering Every Town From London to Become More Local Prime Minister promises historic transfer of power as England prepares to replace remote bureaucracy with exciting new locally sourced bureaucracy Prime Minister Andy Burnham has unveiled his grand project to decentralise England, beginning with the traditional British method of having central government decide what everybody’s new local government must look like. The programme has been described by…
Burnham Wants to Be a Communist but Reform UK Won’t Let Him Prime Minister repeatedly reaches for nationalisation button, Reform UK keeps moving it to a higher shelf Andy Burnham’s latest political difficulty is becoming painfully clear: the man would apparently like to move Britain several reassuring inches toward the 1970s, but every time he reaches for the nationalisation lever, Reform UK appears behind him holding a calculator and asking…
Ministers to Repurpose Women’s Prisons for Men: Equality, Apparently, Means Sharing the Overcrowding A justice system that ran out of cells has found a wing it forgot to fill LONDON — The British state has looked at a prison system that is 98 per cent full of men and discovered an underused asset: women. There are twelve dedicated women’s jails and fewer than one prisoner in twenty is female. The proposal…
Labour’s New Water Customer Powers Are a Stitch-Up, Say People Still Waiting for a River That Doesn’t Smell The people accused of extortion have been asked how they would like to be held accountable for it LONDON — Labour promised customers a seat at the table. The water companies have arrived early and rearranged the chairs. Documents show the Consumer Council for Water has asked the firms how they would like…
Army Told to Pause Non-Essential Training: Soldiers May Now Practise Looking Ready Britain wants a recce-strike force and has cancelled the rehearsal to pay for it LONDON — The British Army has been instructed to stop “non-essential” training to save money. Essential, in this usage, means you are about to get on a plane. Non-essential means you are in Wiltshire with a tank and a calendar. Units bound for Estonia, the…
TfL Unveils ‘Calm Space’ at Ealing Broadway, Passengers Delighted to Discover Anxiety Now Has Its Own Dog Kennel London’s Transport Network Discovers Tiny Hut May Be Cheaper Than Making London Calm EALING — Transport for London has unveiled a new “Calm Space” at Ealing Broadway station, finally providing overwhelmed passengers with somewhere peaceful to contemplate the fact that they are still at Ealing Broadway station. The trial, developed in partnership…
Tube Passengers Stop Man Exposing Himself, Spend Next Year Discovering They Were Apparently the Problem British Transport Police drop case after exhaustive investigation into why Londoners failed to follow the traditional emergency procedure of staring furiously at the floor Britain received encouraging news this week when authorities confirmed that three Tube passengers will not be prosecuted for the increasingly controversial London activity known as doing something. The passengers had become…
Labour Announces Bold New Staycation Scheme: Just Never Actually Leave the Airport Millions of Brits who saved all year for two weeks in Alicante get an all-inclusive package at Gatwick’s departures floor instead, courtesy of a government that owns 49% of the reason you’re still here For decades, the British holidaymaker has followed a sacred, unbroken ritual. Save all year. Argue with the family about whether to bring the big…
Britain’s Economy Accidentally Grows 0.4%, Treasury Launches Investigation Into How Money Escaped Officials fear unexpected prosperity could encourage taxpayers to develop unrealistic expectations about keeping some of it LONDON. Britain’s economy unexpectedly grew 0.4% in July, four-tenths of a percentage point more than economists predicted, forcing the Treasury Friday to investigate how economic activity managed to occur without first completing a government consultation. The economy was 1.6% larger than a…
NATS Boss Given One Week to Investigate NATS Boss, Promises NATS Boss Full Cooperation Britain pioneers revolutionary accountability system in which management interrogates itself until everyone’s holiday is over LONDON. Britain’s latest air-traffic-control failure cancelled roughly 1,300 flights in a single day, stranded passengers across the country and produced perhaps the boldest experiment in modern accountability: allowing management time to investigate management. A technical failure at NATS disrupted major British…
London Expands 20mph Roads Until Joggers Begin Receiving Speed Awareness Letters Capital moves closer to transport utopia where nobody dies in traffic because nobody reaches the destination LONDON. More than 61% of borough-managed roads across London now operate at 20 mph, raising the possibility that the capital’s fastest legal form of transport will soon be a frightened pedestrian carrying takeaway coffee. Greenwich is considering expanding 20 mph limits across almost…
Westminster Declares Standing With Pint “Vertical Drinking,” Human Knees Await Licensing Decision Soho discovers British pub culture has become a geometry problem administered by people who apparently drink exclusively in conference rooms LONDON. Westminster council has retained restrictions discouraging “vertical drinking” in parts of Soho, officially transforming standing with a pint into an activity complicated enough to require specialist terminology. The council’s licensing policy favours seated drinking and table service…
Andy Burnham: Time to Start Disappointing People Experts confirm Andy Burnham’s twelve political personalities are all authentic, although none has yet agreed to make an unpopular decision LONDON — Political scientists have concluded that Prime Minister Andy Burnham can change his personality, principles, accent, clothing and favourite economic system without becoming inauthentic, provided every transformation occurs naturally in the presence of a focus group. The academic case for this was set…
Netanyahu Calls Britain a Nuclear-Armed Islamic Republic, British Government Relieved Someone Still Thinks Trident Works Andy Burnham objects after the Israeli prime minister rebrands Britain before Labour can finish the consultation LONDON — Benjamin Netanyahu has described Britain as “the Islamic republic of Britain” and “the first Islamic republic to get a nuclear weapon,” according to The Guardian, prompting Pakistan to file an emergency complaint for theft of national achievements. Britain Receives…
