Free Housing, Free Healthcare and Free Money Sweep Into Office
LONDON, England — America’s midterm elections have apparently been won by the political equivalent of a university student union committee, an institution traditionally responsible for cancelling speakers, demanding free coffee and passing resolutions against countries nobody on the committee can locate on a map.
The development followed a nationwide surge of opposition to Donald Trump, whose political opponents have discovered that a sufficiently angry electorate can overlook practically any economic policy.
Including policies that appear to have been written during a particularly emotional undergraduate seminar.
The Student Union Approach to Government and the National Economy
The modern progressive candidate has mastered the student-union approach to government: identify something unpleasant, declare it unacceptable and demand that somebody else pay to eliminate it.
Rent too expensive? Abolish landlords.
Food too expensive? Abolish profits.
Energy too expensive? Abolish fossil fuels.
Someone asks how electricity will be generated on a windless evening? Abolish the question.
At universities, this system works remarkably well because the institution’s administrators eventually surrender to whatever group has occupied the library.
The national economy, unfortunately, is not quite as accommodating.
A factory cannot continue operating merely because thirty activists have approved a strongly worded motion.
Nor will farmers grow additional wheat because a university committee has condemned the unfairness of bread prices.
British observers have considerable experience with this intellectual tradition, and the Office for Students has the paperwork to prove it.
Minutes From the Committee Room
Every university possesses at least one political society convinced that capitalism will collapse immediately after students stop purchasing expensive coffee from multinational chains.
Meetings are generally held in a multinational coffee shop.
The minutes of one such meeting, passed to this newspaper by a former secretary, record four resolutions. The first condemned corporate coffee. The second moved that the meeting be adjourned to a corporate coffee shop. The third, carried by eleven votes to two, called for the abolition of all hierarchy and appointed a treasurer. The fourth thanked the chair for her leadership.
The committee members arrive carrying smartphones, designer trainers and laptops manufactured through complicated international supply chains.
They then spend the afternoon condemning international capitalism.
“I’ve been to forty of these meetings and I can tell you that nobody has ever brought a calculator,” said a former student union treasurer who asked not to be named because she now works in a bank. “There’s a spreadsheet, technically. It says ‘tbc.'”
To be fair, capitalism has made several mistakes.
Its most serious mistake was apparently providing critics with enough prosperity and leisure time to complain about capitalism professionally.
Taxing Billionaires and the Economics of Kicking the Horse
America’s progressive movement has adopted this contradiction with astonishing enthusiasm.
Politicians promise to make billionaires pay for everything while simultaneously assuring voters that businesses will continue investing, producing and employing people regardless of how much additional taxation arrives.
This is the economic equivalent of repeatedly kicking a horse and expressing surprise when it refuses to pull the cart.
The most entertaining feature of student-union politics, however, is its extraordinary confidence.
Members who have never managed a payroll possess detailed plans for managing entire industries.
Activists who have never balanced a household budget confidently explain how to redistribute trillions of dollars.
And politicians who regard every shortage as a moral failure believe the solution is a government department headed by somebody with a master’s degree in outrage.
British taxpayers have witnessed this before. The Office for National Statistics counts, with great patience, the number of former student politicians now sitting in public life, and has stopped publishing the total on the grounds that it upsets people.
The student union graduates. The committee becomes a cabinet. The slogans become legislation.
Eventually, somebody discovers that the country’s finances do not operate on applause.
America’s voters may have rejected Trump’s personality, policies and political spectacle.
That does not necessarily mean they intended to elect a permanent campus protest.
But if the loudest progressive activists get their way, America could soon become the world’s largest student union.
Membership will be compulsory.
The meetings will never end.
And everyone will be required to pay dues to protest capitalism.
Five Observations on the Student Union Takeover
- Meetings held in a multinational coffee shop to condemn multinational coffee shops. That’s like holding a vegan rally in a butcher’s and being surprised by the smell.
- “Abolish the question.” That’s the entire foreign policy of every student union I’ve ever met. Somebody asks, “But how does it work?” and the answer is a hurt look and a petition.
- Thirty activists approve a strongly worded motion and the factory is meant to keep running. Mate, I can’t get three friends to agree on a restaurant. You want me to trust thirty students with the national grid?
- A spreadsheet that says “tbc.” I’ve seen that spreadsheet. I’ve been that spreadsheet. It’s the national budget of every house share in Britain.
- Membership will be compulsory and the meetings will never end. Which, to be fair, is also the description of my gym contract, and I can’t cancel that either.
Aishwarya Rao is a satirical writer whose work reflects the perspective of a student navigating culture, media, and modern identity with humour and precision. With academic grounding in critical analysis and a strong interest in contemporary satire, Aishwarya’s writing blends observational comedy with thoughtful commentary on everyday contradictions. Her humour is informed by global awareness and sharpened through exposure to London’s diverse cultural and student communities.
As an emerging voice, Aishwarya represents the next generation of satirical journalists: informed, curious, and unafraid to question norms through wit. Her authority stems from research-led writing, respect for factual context, and a commitment to ethical satire. Transparency and clear labelling ensure readers understand the comedic intent behind her work.
Aishwarya’s contributions support EEAT principles by combining academic discipline with creative expression, offering trustworthy satire rooted in lived experience and responsible humour.
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