Category: America

International America Culture

Ruling Clerics Claim Victory After Losing Iran’s Navy

Alan Nafzger

As long as one ayatollah has a microphone, the war is going splendidly. TEHRAN, IRAN, October 19, 2026 – Iran’s ruling clerics have declared an unprecedented military triumph over the United States, explaining that the continued existence of even one senior religious official able to issue threats is overwhelming proof that the Islamic Republic has defeated the world’s most powerful conventional military. The remarkable reading of military success comes as…

America Political Sports

Marxist Golf Committee Demands Equal Birdies for All

Vivienne Pratfall

Revolutionary golf plan would redistribute handicaps and nationalize the putting green WASHINGTON, D.C. – A Marxist golf committee has entered the controversy over President Donald Trump’s proposed renovation of East Potomac Golf Links, demanding an immediate suspension of improvements until the government can establish that no American will get better at golf than any other American. The committee’s intervention adds a revolutionary economic dimension to an already complicated debate involving…

America Political Sports

East Potomac Park: Trump Brings Golf to a Golf Course

Aishwarya Rao

Washington Post readers brace for fairways on land that already has fairways WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has set off another national emergency by announcing plans to renovate an existing golf course, and a good many residents are now worried he means to build a golf course on land that already has a golf course on it. Washington Post Report Sparks East Potomac Golf Course Alarm The trouble started…

America Entertainment Relationships

Gene Simmons Gives Marital Advice

Bethan Morgan

Gene Simmons Says Tell Your Wife She’s Right British husbands demand constitutional protection after KISS legend recommends apologising. LONDON, 19 October 2026 — Gene Simmons, the legendary KISS bassist whose tongue has enjoyed a longer career than most British politicians, has stunned the institution of marriage by revealing that the secret to domestic happiness involves apologising to your wife and occasionally admitting that she is right. According to PEOPLE magazine’s…

Culture America Entertainment Royals

Meghan Markle Greeted With Rehearsed Love in Nottingham

Margaret Colley

Reserved Britons Learn Affection Works Better With a Script NOTTINGHAM, England – Meghan Markle has become the centre of a remarkable breakthrough in British emotional development after charity representatives reportedly encouraged members of the public to declare their affection for the Duchess of Sussex, demonstrating that even the famously reserved British can express love when somebody gives them the words beforehand. “Meghan, I Love You”: What the Charity Reportedly Told…

America News Technology

Artificial Intelligence Could Eliminate Every Bank Account on Earth, Wall Street Warns, as Federal Reserve Announces Emergency Plan to Print Money on Paper Again

Vivienne Pratfall

Central Bank Discovers the Dollar Bill, a Financial Technology That Works Without Electricity, Passwords or Asking a Computer for Permission WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Federal Reserve has answered growing fears of an AI-driven financial catastrophe with an emergency contingency plan built around one of the most controversial technologies in modern banking: printing money on paper. The announcement has stunned economists who believed the future of finance belonged to digital currencies,…

America Business International Political

Russia Sanctions Waiver: Trump Signs the Law, Then Cancels

Lowri Griffiths

Washington now punishes enemies with legislation and rewards them with exemptions. WASHINGTON, D.C., October 18, 2026 – President Donald Trump has revolutionized international diplomacy by signing legislation designed to cripple Vladimir Putin’s Russian economy, immediately suspending its most important provisions, and demonstrating that the world’s greatest military superpower can now defeat its enemies without the inconvenience of actually doing anything to them. According to The Washington Post’s reporting on the…

America Business International Political

Zelensky Asks America to Stop Rewarding Putin

Margaret Colley

Unwavering support stays unwavering until voters complain about filling an F-150. KYIV, October 18, 2026 – Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has reportedly been advised to improve his country’s public relations strategy after discovering that protecting Ukrainian civilians from Russian attacks is becoming a less urgent priority in Washington than ensuring American motorists can afford to drive large vehicles to places located within walking distance. The diplomatic controversy intensified after President…

America Governance Political

Immigration Records: Washington Finds 1995, Not Trillions

Aishwarya Rao

America’s bureaucracy shows archaeological skill with old immigration files, while the federal budget stays a branch of theoretical physics. WASHINGTON, D.C. – Federal investigators examining Representative Ilhan Omar’s immigration records from the 1990s have demonstrated that the United States government possesses an extraordinary ability to investigate decades-old paperwork, provided nobody asks the same government to explain its current spending. Investigators are examining whether information supplied during the immigration and naturalization…

International America Business Political

Vladimir Putin Gets a Money-Back Guarantee on Sanctions

Charlotte Whitmore

Kremlin celebrates a breakthrough: American threats that expire before they begin. MOSCOW, October 18, 2026 – Russian President Vladimir Putin has reportedly ordered the Kremlin to examine whether future American economic sanctions could be converted into a customer loyalty programme after discovering that Washington will now impose devastating penalties, suspend them before implementation, and consider the entire transaction an exercise in international statesmanship. The diplomatic breakthrough follows President Donald Trump’s…

Political America Business International

Sanctioning Russia and Iran Act Passes, Then Gets Waived

Yasmina Khan

Ninety-seven senators discover that agreeing on something doesn’t mean anything will happen. WASHINGTON, D.C., October 18, 2026 – The United States Senate, which spent months developing bipartisan legislation designed to punish Russia for its invasion of Ukraine, has discovered that the fastest way to make Congress irrelevant is to allow the president to sign a law containing instructions for ignoring the law. The Senate passed the Lindsey O. Graham Sanctioning…

America Business International Political

Russian Diesel Deal: Trump Trades Sanctions for Cheap Fuel

Judi Online

Democracy is priceless. A competitive price on 40 gallons of diesel, apparently, is more priceless. HOUSTON, October 18, 2026 – American motorists have received an important lesson in international relations after discovering that Washington’s opposition to authoritarian aggression may now depend on the price displayed outside a truck stop in suburban Texas. President Donald Trump’s decision to waive major Russia sanctions follows an agreement to allow Russian diesel sales into…

America Political

Nobody Is Above the Law, Unless Running for Reelection

Roper Penberthy

Washington’s parties rediscover the Constitution whenever investigators arrive at the wrong politician’s house. WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congressional Democrats have responded to the federal search of Representative Ilhan Omar’s home by defending the Constitution, demanding accountability from federal investigators and inspiring a new political doctrine under which nobody is above the law unless that person happens to be running for reelection. The controversy follows the October 12 search of Omar’s Washington…

America Governance

Congressional Financial Disclosure: Taxpayers Want Receipts

Bethan Morgan

Ordinary Americans wonder whether Congress might eventually be required to keep receipts. WASHINGTON, D.C. – American taxpayers expressed astonishment this week after federal investigators searched Representative Ilhan Omar’s Washington residence, marking a rare occasion when the government demonstrated interest in examining the paperwork of somebody who helps operate the government. The development followed a federal search related to immigration records and reporting on a separate financial-disclosure investigation. Fox News reported…

America Governance International

Congressional Accountability: Lawmakers Fear Ordinary Rules

Vivienne Pratfall

Congressional accountability threatens Washington’s oldest tradition: demanding transparency from everyone except the people spending the money. WASHINGTON, D.C. – The federal investigation involving Representative Ilhan Omar has prompted warnings about deeper accountability problems in Congress, creating fears that ordinary Americans may eventually demand elected officials obey the same rules they impose on the people who elected them. The crisis intensified after conservative watchdog Mike Howell raised concerns about congressional accountability…

America Culture International

Ilhan Omar Search: Congress Opens Emergency Honesty Probe

Morag Sinclair

Lawmakers discover federal investigators occasionally examine people who write the laws. WASHINGTON, D.C. – The federal search of Democratic Representative Ilhan Omar’s Washington residence has created an unprecedented emergency in Congress, where lawmakers are confronting the terrifying possibility that honesty might eventually become a condition of public employment. According to Fox News, conservative watchdog Mike Howell of the Oversight Project predicted additional revelations following the search, raising questions about congressional…

Social America Education News

New Yorker Defends Woman’s Right to Sexual Freedom, America Discovers Consent Is Not a Lifetime Membership Card With Unlimited Guests

Mei Lin Chen

Nation’s moral philosophers shocked to learn that agreeing to one sexual encounter does not automatically authorize the participation of everyone in the building, neighboring fraternity houses or subsequent graduating classes. NEW YORK, October 17, 2026 – America’s leading experts in other people’s private lives announced Friday that they had located a disturbing limit on sexual consent: a woman who agrees to one activity has not thereby agreed to every activity…

International America

Trump Tries to Stop Ukraine Bombing Russian Oil Refineries

Alan Nafzger

Trump Tries to Stop Ukraine Bombing Russian Oil Refineries by Making Ukrainian Drones Observe the American Speed Limit Zelensky refuses to abandon refinery strikes while Washington restricts military satellite communications, leaving Kyiv to discover that its internet provider may have more influence over the war than its generals. KYIV, October 15, 2026 – President Donald Trump has run into an unexpected problem while trying to negotiate peace between Russia and…

America Business Culture Technology

Elon Musk Unveils Tesla Roadster

Vivienne Pratfall

Elon Musk Unveils Tesla Roadster After Nine Years of Delays, Car Immediately Attempts to Escape Planet Earth Tesla’s revolutionary sports car can drive upside down, jump over trucks and reach 60 mph in about one second, but engineers admit getting it from the factory to a paying customer remains beyond the capabilities of modern science. MCGREGOR, TEXAS, October 16, 2026 — Elon Musk unveiled Tesla’s long-awaited Roadster on Thursday, showing…

America Business International

Trump Tries to Lower Diesel Prices

Alan Nafzger

Trump Tries to Lower Diesel Prices, Burnham Tries to Save Ukraine, Zelenskyy Tries to Find Another Russian Refinery, Nobody Tries Arithmetic British Prime Minister discovers that promising unlimited military support for Ukraine is considerably easier when American truck drivers are helping pay the economic consequences. Washington demands cheaper diesel, Kyiv demands more explosions, and London offers another reassuring speech. LONDON, 15 October 2026 — Three world leaders spent the past…

America Culture Education

Cornell Seven Become Political Tools of New York’s Left

Isabel Navarro

Seven men without a single criminal charge, one attorney general with a Facebook post, and a progressive movement that treats a courtroom like a campaign rally with better furniture. ITHACA, NEW YORK – The Cornell Seven have turned out to be remarkably useful to the American Left. Seven men accused of a terrible crime, none of them charged with anything, now serve as seven convenient instruments in a much larger…

America Culture Education

Letitia James and the Cornell 7: New York Unveils Reverse Trials

Junglepussy

Albany Praises Prosecutors Who Already Have Opinions, Presumption of Innocence Downgraded to Optional, and Jury Deliberations Moved to Social Media Comments Section NEW YORK, October 11, 2026 – New York’s criminal justice system is preparing for its most ambitious modernization since the invention of plea bargaining, following an ethics complaint that accuses Attorney General Letitia James of prejudging the Cornell 7 sexual assault case before she was appointed to investigate…

America Culture History International

Devil Summons Islamic Terrorist Nidal Hasan

Alan Nafzger

Nidal Hasan Skips Hell’s Orientation, Declines Preference Form, Walks Straight Into the Flames Fort Hood mass murderer arrives in the afterlife after seventeen years of appeals, discovers Hell also runs on forms, and refuses to fill out a single one Nidal Hasan was summoned to Hell on a Tuesday, which annoyed the front desk, because Tuesdays were reserved for people who had died of committees. The summons came in triplicate.…

America Culture Education

Cornell Chi Phi’s Questionable T-Shirts

Isla Campbell

Cornell Chi Phi Suddenly Becomes Coolest Fraternity in America After Everyone Is Told Not to Like It Satirical merchandise boom reportedly turns controversial Greek letters into campus counterculture as Americans rediscover their ancient constitutional right to buy questionable T-shirts ITHACA, NEW YORK — Cornell University’s Chi Phi fraternity has apparently accomplished what thousands of branding consultants, social-media strategists and men named Bryce with marketing degrees have failed to achieve. It…

America Culture Entertainment

Capitalisms and Digger Box Office

Caitlin Moran

Hollywood Spends $280 Million Explaining Capitalism Is Evil in Digger, Discovers Customers Can Refuse to Buy Tom Cruise’s Digger reportedly needed hundreds of millions in ticket sales to deliver its warning about money, greed and powerful corporations, but American consumers maliciously introduced Hollywood to supply and demand Digger Box Office: Hollywood’s $280 Million Bet on a Movie Suspicious of Capitalism Hollywood reportedly spent as much as $280 million producing and…

Culture America Education

Cornell Students Say To Outside Activists

Alan Nafzger

Cornell Students Beg Outside Activists to Please Let Them Get Back to Getting Hammered Knackered undergraduates launch bold new movement demanding fewer movements, more revision and the restoration of the ancient right to waste a Saturday afternoon in bed ITHACA, NEW YORK — Students at Cornell University have reportedly begun demanding something almost unheard of on the modern American campus: the chance to go back to being ordinary students. That…

Education America Social

Credibility Is Apparently Outdated

Vivienne Pratfall

Newsweek Discovers Credibility Is Apparently an Outdated Concept Newspaper Assures Readers That Changed Accounts May Mean Nothing, Accidentally Invents Legal System Based Entirely on Vibes ITHACA, NEW YORK — America’s ongoing effort to determine what happened inside a Cornell University fraternity house has received invaluable assistance from Newsweek, which has apparently discovered that one of humanity’s oldest methods for evaluating factual claims, comparing what somebody says today with what they…

Culture America Bad Taste Education

Consensual Sex Now Illegal at Cornell

Charlotte Whitmore

Consensual Sex Now Illegal at Cornell, If It Makes the Newspapers Cornell unveils revolutionary new theory of intimacy in which consent may require witnesses, administrative findings, appellate review and, ideally, no national newspaper coverage whatsoever ITHACA, NEW YORK — Cornell University has apparently discovered a previously unknown stage of human intimacy, located somewhere between consent and litigation: the moment the newspapers show up. The discovery follows continuing controversy over allegations…

America Entertainment News Royals

Meghan Markle vs. Lauren Sánchez Bezos

Carys Evans

Tabloids Spend Year Telling Meghan Markle to Be Jealous of Lauren Sánchez Bezos, Jeff Bezos Responds by Moving Closer to Prince Harry Royal gossip industry discovers awkward flaw in elaborate female feud after billionaire apparently fails to read the storyline MONTECITO, CALIFORNIA — For months, celebrity gossip ran one of its favorite laboratory experiments: take two successful women, park them within roughly 400 miles of each other, add an anonymous…

Education America

Cornell Students Stop Partying

Isabel Navarro

Cornell Students Stop Partying, University Realises Things May Actually Be Serious After a week of turmoil, Ithaca nightlife grows strangely quiet as administrators deploy the most powerful weapon available to American higher education: another review ITHACA, NEW YORK — The New York Times reported Sunday that a “heavy cloud” had descended over student life at Cornell University, with an unusually subdued weekend following days of controversy surrounding allegations of sexual assault at…